WHAT ARE MEN THINKING?

Nothin' But a Good Time?

2011-11-06T21:26:00.004-05:00

QUESTION: I went on a date with my friends brother. I did ask her before what she felt about it and she said it would be a good idea. So her brother and i talked a couple times prior to the date. Even on our date we always had some interesting conversation. The next day she asked if we connected and i told her that i think we did but wasn't sure about him but he had invited me to their mothers surprise birthday party. She didnt seem phased by it and thought i should go. Later she made the comment "well if your looking for a fun time then he is your guy, but nothing serious. He is pretty good at not doing that." That night he calls me to make plans for that evening. So my question is.. is he interested in me or am i just another exciting thing? Should i listen to my friend on his reputation? And lastly, why would he be so comfortable with me meeting his whole family just after the first date?!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I think you need to let his actions speak for themselves. Give a slight bit of consideration to what your friend said, but let the large part of your decision toward her brother rest on what your eyes and ears pickup from him. Meeting the family IS a fairly big deal with some guys, not ALL GUYS, but some. On top of all of that – your friend might be getting a little uncomfortable with you making in-roads into too many parts of her life. Your friendship may have been cool at the office, or at the weekly hot-yoga class, or at night school, but when you start popping up at Mom’s birthday, or GrandMa’s cookout, or cousin Cheryl’s wedding, you may be getting too deep into her life. Keep your eyes and ears open to both of them and I think you’ll find out all that you need to know.

Good luck-

CHUCK: You are getting some mixed signals that are a cause for concern. But they are coming from your friend, not his brother. First, she tells you that it would be a good idea if the two of you should go out on a date. Then, when you tell her that he has, with little dating history together, invited you to their mother's surprise birthday party, she basically tells you that he is only good for a "good time." That may be true , but, as you describe it, those are some pretty dismissive remarks. So does she think that her brother is worth seeing or not?

As for one of your questions, some guys consider the event that they are inviting a young lady to, some don't, and some try to get what they want out of it. I agree with Garland 100%.My brother used to bring all kinds girls to all kinds of family events, confusing them, and my mother as to how relevent they were to his life. I needed to know a young lady pretty well to attempt that. Some guys just think they'll get more play if they let a young lady think they're important enough to meet Mom.

How do you know which kind of man this guy is? Well, you've got a prime source of information right at your disposal: his sister. If you want to continue seeing him and find out what there is to find out on your own, feel free. Or you could engage her in a more serious conversation, and find out if her brother is a keeper, or just for a good time. Then make your own decision.

Where You Want to Be

2011-11-06T20:41:00.007-05:00

QUESTION: Hello Men. I love your practical and realistic answers.

OK, I met this guy 10 months ago while on holiday in a city, we liked each other, hung out for about 5 weeks, and we started a relationship, before i left the holiday location,(in which he permanently resides.) making our relationship a long distance one. i had always planned, even before meeting him, that i would further my studies at that same holiday location, which i informed him about. This plan, is what we both banked on as a convergence point for us and an end to the distance part of the relationship. Now, due to circumstances beyond my control, i cannot further my studies as previously planned. Knowing this, i asked him what his intention was for me, when he asked me into a long distance relationship, in the sense that, what is his convergence plan for us, but he couldnt come up with an answer. I'm thinking in my mind, are we just going to keep dating to infinity????? Do you think this guy takes me serious? I dont want to waste my time here, and also, i dont know if his case is that of confusion, poor planning or we simply didnt think of the flipside of my going to school? I'm 26, he is 27. I'm considering ending the relationship and moving on to something REAL. Please advise, perhaps i'm being dramatic???? The long distance relationship is 8 months old. Thanks.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Until I read that your long distance relationship was 8 months old. I would have been inclined to just assume that he hadn’t figured out what he really wanted. However, 8 months is a sort-of reasonable amount of time for him to have a clue about his plans for you [in his life] long term. But that is just my opinion, and I’m not a mind reader.

I do want to point out though that asking a man what “his intentions are for you,” is a really strong request and you are basically pushing him deep into a corner. He may like you a lot and he may want to see if marriage is something he’d consider somewhere down the road. But he certainly can’t tell you, “Honey. I might want to marry you one day,” because a lot of women would take that as a preamble to a marriage proposal, and he’d always feel that pressure whenever he spoke to you. In other words, it would ruin your relationship from his perspective. On the flip side of the coin, he may only be mildly interested in you. He may think you are nice and cool, but he doesn’t know what the future holds. So when you put his feet to the fire, he may see that as his last chance to get ready to marry you or leave you, and I think there are still some things in between those two options that you two need to explore, and he may play it safe and use it as a chance to bolt.

I see why you want an answer. It’s reasonable, but it isn’t as simple as you saying, “What are your plans for me?” Do you know what your plans are for him? Maybe you need to put your cards on the table face-up and let him play his hand around yours. If you trust him, you should be okay. But I think you need to go to him and let him know how you feel and you need to BOTH figure out where you are between marriage and breaking up.

Best wishes to your happy conclusion!

CHUCK: "Convergence plans?" Wow, you make things sound so businesslike... and so serious. First, I suggest you put yourself in his place. He assumed, with your first announced plan, that you would be moving to his city, and all of this could be taken care of. But then, your plans fell apart. Now you are approaching him aggressively, asking him what his intentions are. And when he can't give you the answer you want, in the time frame that you want it, you seem ready to throw the whole relationship away.

You're within your rights, of course, but I don't think you're being entirely fair. First of all, you haven't really described what circumstances are behind his seeming reluctance to relocate. Is his school there? Is his job? Or is it just that he doesn't appear ready to move, for whatever reason? Is there a time factor (i.e., maybe he can relocate later?) If his reluctance relates to a job or school, these are outside factors that he may be able to correct, but not right away. However, if it's something like this city having the best Thai food, or whatever, I'm gonna assume it's something reasonable.

There is probably a solution to this, but I doubt it can be reached by ultimatums. But before you can determine how to get to your mutually-agreed-upon future, you two need to agree on what that is. Talk to him, and find out what he would like your relationship to be. And if his goals are the same as yours, how you can work towards it.

If you are not after the same thing, of course, you should go your separate ways. Since you seem disinclined to engage in a long-distance relationship, even in the short term, you may need to reassess what you want out of this relationship. Good luck.

So what do you want ME to do?

2011-09-27T22:45:00.002-04:00

QUESTION: Chuck and Garland,

I am so happy I found this blog. While looking through your past posts, I am thankful for the wisdom and advice you are sharing with us confused women.

If you could take a minute and share your thoughts about my problem (a problem that I think many women face) it would be very very appreciated.

I'm 23 years old and I've been dating this guy (that I really like) unofficially for about a month now. He made the first move and we hit it off right away. Our chemistry (physical and intellectual) is amazing (we haven't slept together yet, but we've done everything but...) We have a very similar since of humor, have a lot in common, and when we are together we totally fit. I know he feels the same way because whenever we get done from a date, he will always text me (usually 15 minutes after the date. sometimes the next morning) how good of a time he had, how much he loves hanging out with me, etc. I've also met a lot of his friends at a party he hosted - I could tell he loved to show me off. He compliments me (but not too much) and is always remembering little details I've shared with me. When we are together, I genuinely feel like he is interested in me.

What i'm struggling with is the fact that i'm setting up all the dates. Sometime's he'll hint that we should go out by saying something like "Oh we have to watch this movie soon" or "I can't wait to take you to this" but it's always me saying "Awesome, when do you want to go?" And other times, when I just ask if he wants to hang out soon, he'll say something like "Absolutely! Let me cook you dinner. How's sunday work?" or whatever. But he's never the initiator.

i've tried not instigating the dates, but then we end up not hanging out for like 6 days. He still texted/called/fbed me during those 6 days, but he never asked me to hang out. I don't call/text/fb him too much because I don't want to come off desperate, and because i'm already the one instigating the dates, i don't feel like instigating the rest of the communication.

I guess how I feel is if he really liked me, wouldn't he actively persue me? I've always been told men should persue the woman, not the other way around. So should I ignore our awesome chemistry and all the other signs that he is into me and stop pursuing him? Or should I continue what i'm doing and stop overanalyzing? Or should I be straight up and ask him "Hey, I can't really tell how into me you are. When we're together, It seems like you totally are into me. But you never really instigate hanging out so it's kinda giving me mixed signals."

Anyways, I would love to hear your feedback on if you think he is really into me and what I should do about this behavior.

Thanks so much!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I see that this one has been unanswered for a while, so I apologize for that. It would seem like after six years, Chuck and I would have our system down better, but alas life and work have a way of pushing our blogging to the back burner sometimes.

So – let’s see. I want to start by saying that I’m glad you seem to be in a good, though not great, situation. I know that you say “The Man is supposed to pursue The Woman,” but sometimes such general rules are either subject to interpretation or simply non-applicable. Now, granted, I do believe that a man has to make his interest in a woman clear, but all guys aren’t “shooters” some are “spotters”.

Let me explain. I think you may have a “spotter.” When it comes to military operations, “shooters” and “spotters” form a lethal and highly effective sniper team. The “shooter” aims the rifle, he/she looks through the sights and factors in elevation, wind, distance and a number of other factors and PULLS THE TRIGGER, The “shooter” makes the action happen. The “spotter” on the other hand, compiles the factors like elevation, wind speed and direction, distance, temperature and all sorts of other things and they give them to the shooter. But they do not PULL THE TRIGGER, they simply help the trigger pull result in a successful action.

I think your guy might be a “spotter.” He may like doing things and he may enjoy being with you, but he just isn’t good at pulling the trigger and making something happen. Maybe over time he will, but right now he doesn’t. He also may call himself seeing how interested in him YOU ARE. Yeah – SURPRISE! Sometimes us guys get a little insecure and we want to make sure you ladies aren’t playing us either. And yet again, he may consider himself to be a gentleman and he doesn’t want to crowd you by laying out times for you all to be together. In his mind, it may be enough to say, “Yeah, we need to see that movie…” but he wants to get together when it’s most convenient to you – so he lives the date and vacant pending your availability. Sure, that’s a bit extreme. But it’s possible.

I think you should assume that he likes you and he’s on the up-and-up, and just tell him that you’d like for him to be a little more aggressive when it comes to planning the things you both do. Tell him that it’s okay and you don’t feel boxed in when he suggests a time and place. Best of luck to you and drop us a line and let us know how things are going!

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does anybody hear you lying?

2011-09-05T23:10:00.004-04:00

Dear Chuck and Garland,

Though I've dated - and even had a couple of relationships - in the 3 1/2 years since my beloved husband died, I haven't liked anyone nearly as much as I do this new guy I met online. He's brilliant, funny, brash - very different than anyone I've ever dated, though he comes with some baggage (and kids, which I can deal with). We met online, are both 40-something, and have been seeing each other for a little over a month.

Why I'm confused: he came on super strong in the first two weeks - lots of texts and phone calls, two dozen roses - and there was even a night (3rd date?) where I got a little freaked because he was saying he thought he more than liked me, wished he'd met me years ago, etc., etc. Though flattered, I felt this was too much too soon so I told him he didn't know me well enough to feel that way yet. (Let me mention that this has also happened with the last two guys I've dated - they became overly infatuated very early on, professed love way too soon, and then bailed, one after a year, the other after three months.) This led to a good discussion with the new guy, though, on our views on romantic relationships. He's said since the beginning that he only dates one woman at a time and he took down his online profile immediately (though I did not agree to do the same for a couple of weeks). As far as the physical side of things, we've been fooling around since the second date, and have had sex several times (off the charts!) since the third date.

Then two things happened: he told me about something not-so-great in his past, and he had a sudden illness in the family. At first, I was totally cool with his admission and told him the past was the past. But then he canceled three dates in a row due to the family crisis, and given his admission, and the fact that I'd never even seen his house yet, I felt suspicious of the sudden caginess and like he was blowing me off. In the end, I probably didn't handle this well, as a lot of the back and forth was done through texting, and I confessed to doing a little Google research on him. I could also have been more patient while he sorted out his family stuff, but it went from lots of communication to almost none at all for a week and a half, and I had no idea what was going on.

When we did finally meet again, things were different. Although we did get together 2 x last week - he even made me an amazing dinner - and we've had great sex/sleepovers, he's backed off emotionally in a big way. Our daily contact is greatly reduced, there's no sense of urgency to see me, and the sweet-talk and nicknames and "xo" texts from him have completely ceased. When he does say nice stuff now, it's do with my sexiness ('best sex ever" "you're so gd sexy" "good morning sexy" instead of the "beautifuls," "I-like-you's," and "kisses" of before). But then I get mixed signals, like him leaving his shirt at my house intentionally, or his making me breakfast. Weirdest of all was his saying "Are you sure?" when I told him I really liked him, before saying he liked me too. (Which to me felt more like a deflection than a genuine need for reassurance.) I guess my questions are these: have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want? Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer? Am I overanalyzing it? Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?

Thanks in advance.

GARLAND: Thank you very, very much for this question. I want to say first that I’m sorry about your husband’s passing. With regards to my answer, it’s going to be the answer that I have wanted many women to hear since we’ve had this blog!

I’m going to answer your questions one by one and then I’m gonna’ vamp a little at the end.

ONE: “Have I been downgraded to an I'll-see-her-when-I-want-sex relationship - somewhere above a booty call but well below the full-blown relationship I want?

ANSWER: Unfortunately, I have to say “Yes, I think so.”

QUESTION: “Should I ask him what's changed or let it ride a bit longer?”

ANSWER: I’m big on talking things out, but I’m not feeling it for this guy. I suspect that you’ll get a steaming load of crap from him. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

QUESTION: “Am I overanalyzing it?”

ANSWER: Hell no! If you were counting the number of times he says your name in his texts, or if you were counting the number of times he smiles at you when you talk, or if you were trying to figure out which days he scrambles eggs best – then I’d say, yeah, you’re over analyzing, but taking a serious look at the progression of your relationship and his actions is quite reasonable. I think you are doing okay.

QUESTION: “ Though I really like him a lot - could even fall hard for this one, I think - and it's been so wonderful to feel hopeful about (potential) love again, I don't want a relationship of convenience. I can get sex anywhere and it worries me that this keeps happening - I'm starting to wonder why these men find me fascinating and sexy, but not loveable?”

ANSWER: Now keep in mind that what I’m giving you is my opinion. I’m only hearing your perspective, and I certainly don’t know you or this guy that you are talking about, but what I’ll say is this: I think a lot of guys grow more juvenile and insecure as they grow older. I think a lot of guys feel like they’ve missed something in their younger days and they become less and less capable of being in what most people would call "a committed relationship." I think some guys drift around women not wanting to be too serious, not wanting to feel too tied down and not being in a position where they might miss out on the next attractive woman that might be willing to take off her clothes for them.

That’s what worried me when you said that on the third date he started talking about these "deep feelings" he has for you. I wish more women perked their ears up when guys did this and said to themselves, “BS ALERT! BS ALERT! BS ALERT!” Now, I’m not saying that some guys don’t catch legitimate feelings early on, but I think most of these guys have to go through a period of denial and attempts to rationalize what they are feeling. The number of guys that are truly serious about catching feelings by the third of fourth date and actually tell the women is probably very low. [That’s just my opinion!] I think when a lot of guys start telling women that they ‘care about them’ and ‘love them’ and say things like, ‘the Lord sent me here to find you,” very early in a relationship, they are trying to blind you with bull***t. Sorry, I think that is just the truth more often than not.

A lot, a WHOLE LOT of guys think [and know] that a fair number of single women, looking for dates online, or in clubs, or in certain social circles will fall for that kind of over-the-top comment. Check this out: “Honey, let me tell you. I love being single. All of my boys are married and doing the family thing and I’m just chillin’ doing my thing. But then I meet you and I’m like WOW, where did she come from? She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s crazy, sexy, cool – you know. I just don’t know what I’m gonna’ do. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never felt this way before. I… I… I think I’m falling in love with you.” Now, I just came up with that off the top of my head, and I bet that if I polished it up, and delivered it across a dinner table in just the right light on the third date to 20 women that are legitimately trying to meet a nice guy, I bet that more than a couple would buy it. My point is – some guys will do their best to bull***t their way into your bedroom or your bank account! They aren't worried about your heart. I’ve seen it many times in women that I’ve known over the years. I’d love to give you some examples, but I’m afraid that some folks I know would have their feelings hurt if they saw it on this blog and I’m just not going to do that.

Also, let me just hit two other points on why you feel “fascinating and sexy, but not loveable,” TEXTING and HIS PLACE. Don’t be so quick to accept luv from your cellphone just because it’s there. Texting is so cold and impersonal and yet millions of people value it so much. They think they are loved because someone took 28 seconds to send them a three sentence text message. MAKE A MAN call you! Make him take a few minutes away from his day to step aside and share his voice with you and listen to your voice. Demand MORE! Don’t accept LESS! And, if a man has honest intentions with you, then he will let you see his home within the first few dates. To me, as a MAN who was single at a prior point in his life, this was a gesture of honesty and trust. A man that opens his home and lets you in is showing you, (1.) He’s single and doesn’t have a wife. [Look around carefully though, she might be out of town!] (2.) He’s not a bum that still lives with his Mama. [Look around carefully though, she too might be out of town!] (3.) He lives a certain way, neat, sloppy, artful, dirty, whatever. (4.) He can sustain himself - He can furnish a place, he has food in his refridgerator, his toilet is clean, he has soap in his bathroom, there isn't a big hole in his living room floor! He is a reasonable person! But don’t allow him in and out of your home and your bed if you’ve never darkened his doorstep. You are setting yourself up to get caught in bed with a married man!

Lastly, don’t believe for a second that you are “fascinating and sexy, but NOT loveable,” Don’t allow a handful of unworthy men that are not in your league to make you devalue the woman in the mirror. She is fascinating, and sexy AND LOVEABLE. Scrutinize the men you meet, don’t fear over analyzing, keep your eyes and ears open for BS, and don’t settle for less than you deserve and you’ll find the guy and the relationship that you’re looking for. Take care!

I want that shaken and not stirred... LMAO.

2011-09-04T23:07:00.004-04:00

QUESTION: This is my story:

I met this guy about a year and half ago, he happens to be my best friend's husband's best friend, I was instantly attracted to him but kept my interest to myself because he lives about an hour and half away from me and we have many mutual friends. However, (thanks to the internet) we started to talk on a regular basis on google-chat about 6 months ago - we chatted about everything 4 or 5 days a week for hours on end. Both of us are very shy people, and awkward when it comes to flirting and relationships - so talking online makes everything easier. When I would see him at friends' events I noticed he would look at me a lot, and when I looked at him he would immediately look a way. At the onset of these events and parties, the two of us would ignore each other at the beginning, but by the end of the night we would be chatting alone together.

After about 2 months of chatting online, the two of us were at the same party. We both got fairly tipsy and flirted the entire night, and ended up making out after everyone had gone to bed. But, we never spoke about that instance until several months later. After this drunken make-out session he got a little distant, and we stopped chatting online for about a week, then out of the blue he tells me that he'll be in my city for work, and we should grab lunch! In his line of work he is required to travel a fair amount of the time, and after this first lunch non-date, we would always have lunch (sometimes he would pay, other times we went dutch) whenever he was in town. During these outings we would sometimes talk about past relationships and what we were looking for in a partner. We both have had horrible experiences in long term dating situations. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with someone who eventually became an alcoholic - fortunately for me I got out of that relationship before anything too terrible happened. My love interest was in a relationship with a woman who got pregnant with another man's child the first month they lived together, he had also purchased a wedding ring shortly before he discovered her infidelity. Needless to say, both of us are a little more than scarred.

As time passed, our relationship would slowly (emphasis on the word 'slowly') blossom, and we've started to become closer and closer over the past several months. A month later he and I were at another party, and we both got a little tipsy again and we ended up fooling around (no sex) in my friend's spare bedroom - we were at it for a good 3 hours, I remember the sun coming up and we were still fooling around. It was awesome. Again, we don't talk about this occurrence and he stops chatting with me online for another week. After this event he continued to let me know when he was in town, and we would have lunch.

Our many mutual friends started to catch on that we were starting to be more than friends, and would tease us. Every time I would flirt with him he wouldn't respond or he would get really nervous, so it was hard to tell his level of interest in me. At about month 5 of all of this happening I was still really confused about how he truly felt about me. I couldn't take it any more and let him know all of my feelings, and I had to push him to get any information out of him. Keep in mind I let him know this via text message (I'm shy, talking directly to someone about feelings scares me. Texting/online = safety) - I found out through our conversation that he was 1) concerned about the long distant thing, but we're only an hour and half apart and I let him know that it didn't bother me, 2) he had already been thinking about how things would work if we did start to date, 3) he was concerned about dating someone who was his best friend's wife's friend, 4) he wanted more physical relations with me.

A week later after this discussion, we went on what many people may define as a double date to a movie. It was just our two mutual married friends mentioned above, and us. I paid for the tickets, and he paid for the popcorn/drinks and dinner after the movie. During this non-double date he was flirting with me more than any other time that we had been in public together. Teasing, touching, hugging, texting each other at the table, etc.

Flash-forward another week and we go on our very first official date, I drive to his house and we planned that I would be staying for the entire weekend. Obviously, we end up having sex that night. It was probably the most romantic sex I've ever had. He gently kissed me, gazed into my eyes, pushed the hair out of my face, held my hand, held my face when he kissed me. The foreplay lasted for a good 3+ hours. However, when the actual sex part came around...he didn't last very long, and I could tell he was kinda surprised by this and felt bad. Saturday night came and he was hosting a party, as usual he doesn't pay much attention to me at the beginning, but towards the end of the night he had his hand on my ass in front of 15 of our closest friends - a big step. We didn't end up having sex that night b/c we were both wasted (too drunk to have sex, I know!). The next day before I left we cuddled on the couch watching netflix for a good 5-6 hours. Not to mention that two of his closest friends, who spent the night in the spare room, saw us cuddling in the same bed that very morning.

Since that night he's been a little distant, the texts and google chats have been very sparse. If I do send him a message he will respond almost immediately but the conversation doesn't go anywhere. It's been almost 2 weeks and we've barely talked to each other. So I'm just confused. I want to pursue a real relationship with him, I just don't know what I need to do.

Please help.

GARLAND: WOW? Uh, thanks for your question. In the six years that we’ve done this blog, I have never been a fan of long questions. I try to pick up specific points and sometimes it is hard to pick out the key details when I’m told about all sorts of different things, so I hope I can get to the crux of your concern.

Before I get to my answer let me just hit a few points.

ONE: Please tell me I read this wrong and you were NOT sitting at the same table with your friends and the two of you were TEXTING each other? This is not good. If you two can sit at the same table and chose to tap on your little qwerty keyboards instead of speaking to each other – then unfortunately, rough times may lie ahead.

TWO: Your friends ‘tease’ you because you two are attracted to each other? You may need some more mature friends. I fear they may tease you because you are wearing white on your wedding day.

To me, it seems that the two of you may be too timid and passive aggressive for your own good. I don’t mean to sound rude, and I’m not trying to be callous, but the two of you, according to what you’ve said, basically have to intoxicated in order to loosen-up enough to show each other any affection. That is NEVER a solid foundation for a relationship, though oddly I have heard of quite a few couples that disagreed with me.

And let me just hit this texting thing again. Chuck and I both agree that texting is going to prove to be the doom of most relationships. People rely too heavily on the safety and non-personal nature of texting and they lose the face to face passion that a relationship should bring. You [usually] can’t look someone in the eye when you text them. You can’t hear the changes in their voice to see if they are happy or sad or angry or lying. You can’t gauge whether someone is joking when they text, “SORRY I CAN’T COME OVER TONIGHT. I’M SCREWING MY BOSS. LOL” Now if someone said that to you, you could probably tell it was a joke. In a text message, it could be completely true and when they dump you, they can say, “Well, I told you I was screwing my boss!”

My suggestion is this. Make arrangements for a weekend together. Go someplace right between the two of you – forty-five minutes from both of you. Split the room 50/50 to eliminate that drama, leave your cell phones in the cars! And have NO alcoholic drinks for the whole weekend! If, and I’m dead serious here – if you can’t spend a whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon without your cell phones, without texting and without booze, then don’t waste your time trying to build a relationship together. Cut bait.

However, if you can pull this off. Take the weekend to talk about your feelings, your ideas, your plans for the future and see if the two of you can forge a relationship together. Really be candid and enjoy the time you have without your friends, and without having to be drunk and without your little electronic chaperones!

Best of luck. “GDBY”

Meet me in the copier room... we need to talk.

2011-09-04T21:25:00.006-04:00

Hi Chuck & Garland,

This is my question- does he genuinely like me or is it just sex or friendship he's after?

I joined a company 6 months ago. I am 33 and married for 5 yrs and he is 31 and involved. From the day I joined I noticed him looking at me across the room and have caught his eyes couple of times. Since we are in 2 different divisions although he sits behind me in an open plan office our interactions have been very few over 6 months. When ever we interact he talks very softly and "caringly"(very politely in other words) and blushes. He tends to blush with everyone but a bit more so with me. All this attracted me towards him over 6 months and now I cant stop thinking about him. It doesn't help the fact that I decided to marry my best friend and compromise on passion. I feel I can have a passionate relationship with this guy if he ever decides to make a move.

This is why I think he likes me;

1. He smiles alot when I go over to talk to me as if he's very happy to see me
2. Every time he speaks to me - he is extremely polite with a soft voice- nicer to me than I 've hear him around others
3. He blushes around me
4. He has a very unusual name which I keep pronouncing wrong- he has never corrected me although I've seen him correcting others. When I apologised for it he said the way I pronounce his name sounds nice somehow.
5. He has given me 2 eye brow flashes when he sees me for the first time in the day, throughout the 6 months- first one about 2 months ago and the second couple of days ago.

This is why I think he is not interested romantically and interested in just being a friend or only attracted to me sexually:

1. When we do talk I try to linger the eye contact so he knows I like him(I have even looked at his chest while he was looking at me to show I like what I see!) but his smiling gaze goes from my eyes to elsewhere and back to my eyes and elsewhere again- he never maintains a lingering eye contact even if he;s red in the face and smiling silly.
2. He has a lot of friends- guys and girls a like- but have never seen him being loud and outgoing- he maybe well behaved around me or simply could be a flirt??
3. When transferring objects(only happened twice) he goes out of his way not to touch my fingers. He has never touched me or attempted to.
4. If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.

I would very much appreciate a guy's opinion on this.

Thanks
S

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Let me take a crack at giving you a guys perspective on it.

I can’t really sink my teeth into any of the examples you cited. I’m not trying to be difficult but you can actually flip any of your examples around and take them to mean the opposite of what you think they mean.

For example, you think he doesn’t like you because, “If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.” I could spin that and say he DOES like you because, he doesn’t look at you in the fear that everyone in the meeting would see the look in his eyes and know that he’s attracted to you and he doesn’t want his feelings known.

You think he likes you because, “He smiles a lot when I go over to talk as if he's very happy to see me.” And, I could rationalize that into him NOT liking you because he could be smiling to hide how much he can’t stand you. He could be saying, “Smile Jimmy. Smile. Don’t let her see how much she gets on your nerves.

Okay, look I’m just adding a neutral perspective on your situation.

Let me give you my real take on this. I honestly don’t know if he likes you or not. I’m a guy that’s big on letting people know how I feel about them, but you two can’t really do that at this point. This guy and you are both beating around the bush and for good reason, you are married and he has a girlfriend. The two of you can’t risk putting your feelings out in the closed in environment of work. What if he doesn’t like you like that? What if he does and the people in the office get wind of what the two of you two are doing? There is a lot at play in this situation and a lot at risk.

I think, I’m sorry – I KNOW the answer lies with the chap that you like. Despite my warnings above, the only way you will know for sure is to take some time and think about yourself, your husband, your marriage and your future and you have to decide one of two things – ONE, either you will approach this co-worker of yours in a private, away-from-work location and ask him straight-up how he feels about you, or TWO, decide that his feelings for you have no real benefit to your life or your future and you don’t push the issue any further. I’m not saying which one is right because I don’t know you personally, but YOU have to figure out what you want and what are willing to risk to get it and/or keep it.

This guy knows how he feels, YOU have to figure out if you REALLY AND TRULY want to know. You have to make a decision and you have to accept it and move forward. I wish you the best in your situation!

CHUCK: I can't make head or tail of your signs, either. "He smiles, he avoids my touch, etc." It may mean something. It may mean nothing. It may mean something one time, and nothing the next time. It may... You get the idea. What I'm saying is, I can't decipher this guy's behavior. I don't know him. You don't, either.

What you're doing with this question, really, is taking two issues, and combining them into one. And your dilemma cannot be addressed until you separate those issues, and address them as such. So...

Issue #1: You are married, but apparently unfulfilled. Why else would you care so much about what some dude in the office thinks about you? You say that you made a decision years ago to marry your best friend and "compromise on passion." That may have been enough at that point, but it doesn't look like it is anymore. You are taking what is a casual relationship, and putting a whole lot into it. Maybe it's time for you to reassess your marriage, and determine if you still want to stick with the compromise you made. But don't do that just because you're thinking about your co-worker.

Issue #2: You can't figure out what your co-worker's intentions are, based on his actions. As I said above, we really can't figure out what he feels about you. Which is the main reason you can't be making crucial life decisions based on what you believe he thinks. He may view you as attractive, he may have thought about pursuing you. But he is attached, and he knows that you're attached, and has decided not to pursue you. Plus, the workplace is a minefield for relationships, even when couples are unattached. Let's give this man some credit for his restraint.

In my view, what you need to dom first and foremost, is decide whether you want to remain married or not. You apparently want more passion in your life than you have now, and, if so, you should pursue it. Maybe your future lies with this man in your office. Maybe not. But you should be free of your attachments before you give it real consideration.

S*x or Time?

2011-08-16T22:44:00.002-04:00

QUESTION: SHORT history----

Hooked up at a reunion, continued a LDR from 1500 miles away. Got together about every 3 months. I moved to area to his area and renting one of his houses (which was my home state- was moving there ANYWAY) and he then tells me "Don't move for me, I won't be there for you..not sure our relationship can last, blah, blah, blah..."
So I moved back home and he invites me to HIS home, while I wait for moving van.
SURPRISINGLY, he initiated s*x with me 3 times, during my 5 day stay there... Evidently "back rub" is code for S*X.

Van gets into town, so I leave his house......
He comes to the rental once a week and I get a "back-rub", akas S*X.

So, this "WON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU" is confusing to me. Is it FWB, Booty call, or what. I am content with either, because s*x with this person is like none other I have expereinced. lol. I just need direction...... My birthday just past and I rec'd 2 presents and a nice card that said "YOU'RE NOT GETTING OLDER, YOU'RE GETTING SEXIER"----

NO NAME~~~~~

GARLAND: THKS for the question NN.

Based on what you’ve given us, he’s telling U that he is not going to give you anything more than sex.
“I won’t be there for you,” is his safety net. That way, he can sex… uh, S*X you up as much as he wants and still doesn’t have to commit to you. That way, he can sex… uh, S*X up as many other young ladies that he wants and he has no commitment, no loyalty, and no accountability to you. The second… the very SECOND you act like you want anything other than the ‘hot-n-sweaty’ from him, he is gonna throw that safety net back in your face. He’s gonna tell you, “I told you I wasn’t trying have a relationship!” So, if S*X is all you want and it’s off the charts, then enjoy it. This guy will never give you anything more.

CHUCK: I think it's important to define our terms before we go any further. So, s*..., oh, for God's sake, SEX, is A) What you will get when a back rub is offered, B) Pretty darn good, and

C) What you can expect of this man, rather than any of his "time." "Time" is, that other stuff that couples do in a relationship, when they're not doing sex.

I, personally, don't see why you're confused. I have to commend this man for being honest with you, at least. He's told you all that he has to offer you. He won't be there for you. He won't take you to the movies. He won't bring you soup when you get sick. He won't sit on the couch with you, and laugh at Basketball Wives. He's told you, don't expect this. And you've agreed to his terms.

My only concern is that you might be selling yourself a little short with your current arrangement. You're renting his house. He pays you a visit for a backrub once a week. But what if you want a backrub twice one week? What if you want to have it on a Tuesday, instead of a Thursday? What if you want to skip a week? Is that a dealbreaker? He has all the power between you two. And that's fine, as long as he doesn't abuse it.

So, by all means, enjoy all the great sex. You have a right to. But please, don't harbor any thoughts that he might change his mind about your arrangement one day. It's unlikely. And watch out for any signs that he might be seeking to take further advantage of you than you have agreed to allow him to. And, for now, good luck.

It's Your Move.

2011-07-05T22:11:00.004-04:00

QUESTION: Hello,

I am super attracted to a male coworker, and I was hoping you could give me some help with deciphering his behavior. I feel like I am getting mixed signals from him and I can't tell if he's just being nice or if he may be interested in me romantically. For background, I am 28 and he is 34. We are both single and have never been married. We have worked together for about a year now in a very professional setting. We also both live in the same neighborhood. He is a very introverted and private individual, but our job affords us some time alone together and we have had many conversations during these times. I find we have many similar interests and values, and our personalities are very compatible. Deep down, I get the distinct feeling he is attracted to me, yet he has never asked me to do anything outside of work with him, which leaves me feeling conflicted and doubtful that he's interested. Some things he does that make me feel like he is interested:
1. He sometimes holds eye contact slightly longer than necessary.
2. He sometimes lowers his voice a bit when speaking with me.
3. He has helped me with computer/work issues numerous times.
4. He occasionally will glance down briefly at my chest during conversation if I'm wearing a low-cut top.
5. He never mentions other women/dates around me.
6. Sometimes he seems fidgety when we are alone together as if he wants to start talking to me but doesn't know what to say.
7. He is attentive during conversations and remembers things that I say for the future and he seems to genuinely enjoy talking to me.

And some things that make me doubt he is interested:
1. He avoids touching me. (He is not a touchy feely person at all, but he seems to go out of his way to avoid even the slightest touch of my hand during transfer of objects, etc.)
2. He has not asked me on a date or to do anything outside of work, though we share many similar interests and he has had plenty of excellent opportunities to ask me to join him.

Just recently we were discussing home repairs and I mentioned I needed something fixed and he offered to help. I declined and said I could probably get it working on my own. Well about a week later he brought up the topic again and asked if I had gotten it fixed yet, and offered a second time to help me. I assumed since he brought it up himself that maybe he thought of it as an excuse to get together outside of work. So I accepted his offer and he came over to my house and helped me. Well as soon as it was fixed he left. The whole scenario left me feeling perplexed, as I was hoping it could be a prelude to a date or movie or something. I have given this man tons of signals that I am interested in him, yet he isn't making any moves. I feel like he is attracted, yet his lack of action logically tells me otherwise. I am very old fashioned in that I am not comfortable making the first move. What do you think is going on with him? Do you think he's just being nice or do you think there is any hope that he is interested in me romantically? Thanks for your help!

GARLAND: Thank you for your interesting question!

As my favorite TV court judge, Joe Brown, would say, “You’ve laid out a good prima facie case.” I too seem to think that your co-worker may be interested in you. Not everything you listed is solid as far as we guys go, but enough of it sounds legit to me. So, now what?

Well, I guess one of two things will [or should] happen now. One – Old Boy stays a timid little turtle and the two of you keep an uncomfortable working association, or Two – You break out and make the first move.

Him being so timid worries me, because I think being ‘shy’ is one thing and it shouldn’t be that big a deal, but he seems to be so shy that he doesn’t seem to be able to function or interact on even a modest level of romantic interest with you. I thought having him over to fix the issue at your house might get him to loosen up, but that didn’t work. I’m afraid that dating him would simply be more and more frustration on your part – you’d have to push him to kiss you, to hug you, to touch you, and so much more. I’m worried that getting together with him may not be worth the effort. But that is just my opinion, don’t let my thoughts freak you out.

Now, on the other hand, I could be wrong, and maybe you need to drop the Old Fashioned demeanor and just step out of your box ONE TIME. What could it hurt? I’m not telling you to go ask him to marry you, and you’re not asking him to move in with you and you’re not going to ask him out 10 times in a row – I just think you should ask him out one time. Nothing fancy, just maybe a dinner or a Saturday morning breakfast at the local Waffle House. Do something that offers him a final chance to step out of his shell and man-up just a little bit. He might surprise us both! If he loosens up, then you win – maybe the two of you hit it off. But if he still clams up, then you know what time it is and all you’ve lost is the cost of a meal. I think you should take a shot and ask him out, just be sure to pick out a restaurant that serves food that YOU LIKE! Best of luck! Let us know how it works out.

CHUCK: I'm in total agreement with Garland here. You have apparently gotten as far as subtlety will take you. And that's not too far. The direct approah is going to have to be used here. As Garland and I have said here before: This is the 21st century. The same way you would avail yourself of modern advances in technology like i-phones, tablets, and e-readers, you should also avail yourself of modern advances in social mores, as well. So, women are allowed (as they always should have been) to make the first move. These traditions that you're trying to uphold, who do they serve? If they don't serve you, then you should discard them, plain and simple.

Let's take a minute to consider this man's reluctance to step to you. The workplace is exciting, filled with all this unresolved sexual tension from these people that you know, but you don't necessarily KNOW. And because of that, it can be a little risky, too. If you make a romantic move, and it's not the right time, or the right person, you can get embarrassed, or worse. Maybe that's what happened to your co-worker. Perhaps he got burned once, and now he's overly cautious about initiating contact with co-workers. And maybe that day at your place, he just lost his nerve.

Either way, without coming on too strong, you should let him know that you are interested in a way that should allow for no confusion. Like Garland says, you should invite him out for brunch, or coffee, or happy hour, or another one of those socially neutral types of events. You can tell him about your interest in him, and ask if he shares a similar interest in you. If he doesn't, the two of you should be mature enough to put this past you. If he does, and given your "clues," it seems highly likely, great. Good luck.

Never Settle

2011-06-26T21:55:00.007-04:00

Dear Chuck and Garland,

I’m so glad I’ve found your blog. I’ve read some of your posts and I’m impressed by the wisdom you provide to your readers.

I am 31 year old and live in Europe. Few months after I broke up with my first love back in 2003, he went abroad and started his own life in the USA. After this relationship was over, I’ve never found a long lasting and satisfying relationship with a man. I started some relationships and after less than 5-6 months I gave up pursuing them. I’m very confused and don’t know if there is love as I imagine it or love just doesn’t exist.

In the past 7 years we had many communication issues with my first love. Recently he contacted me and invited me to marry him and join him in the United States. Last winter we spend amazing time in Italy and we both started to organize the documentation for a fiancée visa. After some skype conversations I remembered the reasons why I left him 7 years ago. He has changed a lot, however some traits remain.

[I’ll give you a short example what makes me mad: he often says “I like you because you are independent and you can handle any situation. I like you because you are able to overcome any difficulties by your own.” That’s good for me, yeah? Unfortunately we both had some tough situations and his reactions were either nervously striking the floor with his foot or lighting a cigarette. Beside this he often jokes in a very inappropriate way so I’m offended and hurt]

I’m in doubt if I should commit with this man. If I decide to leave Europe and start a new life in the USA, there will be some big changes in my life and I would be ready to face challenges only for love. As I haven’t found a big love in the past years, I ask myself – am I doing [something] wrong? What do I want from a man? Maybe I should take him as he is… As I’m in doubt, I don’t know what to do – pretending I’m in love and marry him or staying where I am and waiting for the “BIG” love. Not to mention that I’m over 30 and many friends often say “It’s time to build a family and have children” !?! I don’t want to have false expectations towards love and to wait for Mr. Right for ages. But if I suspect I would be unhappy in this relationship, why should I start it again?

Thanks in advance for taking your time and answering me

GARLAND: Thank you for your great question and I apologize for the delay in getting it answered. That was my fault, and I’m sorry.

Now, as far as your situation goes, I truly see your dilemma. Let me give you my feelings on what you’ve said. First, I DO see how you could feel that ‘true love’ doesn’t exist. Actually, I’ve been there myself at one point. I was wrong. And I’m optimistic that you are wrong too. Let me share what got me through that time in my life. I don’t know if you are a person of faith, but I am, and what I did was ask God to let me know when that special person came into my life. I didn’t ask him to send me someone per se, I just asked that when he was ready and decided that I was too, that he just tap me on the shoulder, and say, “Hey G, she’s the one. This one right here.” And then I went on enjoying my life, enjoying my friends, enjoying the world around me and enjoying whatever came my way. It worked for me and I hope it will work for you.

As far as this guy here in the states goes. You sound like you gut instinct has labeled life with him as “settling” and let me tell you. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER – SETTLE. Life is far too short for bitter lemonade! Dump a scoop of sugar in it and enjoy the sweetness! Don’t settle for this rude, thoughtless, needy, petty little man. Don’t you dare come over here and marry some clown that tells you, “I like you because you are stronger than I am.” That is some foolish horse-pucky if I’ve ever heard it!

Let me tell you something that I told a good friend of mine one time – You give yourself to a good man that WANTS you, not a weak man that NEEDS you! When someone NEEDS you, they are addressing something they lack in themselves that you have. When that NEED is filled, they will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS find a way to let you go and drift away from you. When someone strong WANTS you, they WANT to share with you, they want their strengths to be with your strengths and together the two of you can take on the World!

As far as your friends and family go with all of the “When are you getting married foolishness,” few things in life piss me off more, than stupid people trying to set someone else’s “Life Achievement Clock.” Trust me when I tell you, I’m positive that trying to satisfy someone’s expectations in life, love and families leads to more sadness and pain than anything else a person could do to themselves. When thoughtless morons question your lifestyle or the things you have or haven’t done yet in life – ask them when they are gonna’ lose weight, or stop smoking, or get a job, or get a degree, or stop cheating on their spouse, or get rid of that piece of crap car they drive, or get their teeth whitened? I’m sure they won’t bring up your marital status again!

Best wishes!

CHUCK: Garland has got it right. We view our first loves through rose-colored glasses, and frequently with a sense of nostalgia that causes us to overlook that person's shortcomings. So the fact that you're considering this man's marriage offer, despite the fact that he's throwing up more flags that a July Fourth parade, is vaguely ridiculous.

Because, if you take him up on his proposal, I can see your future: You two have broken up. You're frustrated and rootless because you have left your home for him. You may have a child or two, so you are tied to him for years to come because of that. All because you ignored the signs when you saw them.

Forget about settling for this man. Forget about listening to the harrassment of your friends. Because it never ends. First, it's, "When are you going to get a man?" Then, when you get one, it's "When are you going to settle down?" Then, "When are you two going to have kids?" Then, "You've got a boy. Don't you want a little girl?" And on and on. But you have to live your life by your timetable, not someone else's.

So, hold your ground and be strong. It's my experience that, when you stop focusing on finding someone, that when you're most likely to meet somebody. Keep an open mind, don't sweat the clock, and just make a decision to enjoy your life. The right person will come to you soon enough.

Interest-free Relationships

2011-06-26T20:11:00.012-04:00

QUESTION: I’m sure this is a question you get often, but I would love an honest answer. My boyfriend of 9 months has lost interest. He lost interest about 2 months ago. Before that we texted all day, he was very affectionate with me, everything couldn’t have been more perfect. Now he never texts me, only answers my texts back and when he does it takes hours to get back to me & the messages are just cold. He hasn’t given me a compliment in 2 months, no longer calls me baby. he hardly even looks at me and all affection is gone, any affection I get, is because I am giving it to him, I feel like hes forcing himself to wrap his arms around me.

When I ask him whats wrong he says nothing, but I know he’s lying.

When I suggested to him that maybe we needed some time apart, he got angry, then was affectionate for about a week, but is back to being cold again. I don’t know what to do, this is really taking a toll on me. I really think this guy might be the one, and he has told me before that I am the one for him, he’s even spoken to me about wanting to possibly start a family, which came as a complete surprise to me because I know that’s something he hasn’t discussed with previous girlfriends (the last 2 gave him the commitment ultimatum, and have all lost, the relationships ended) I don’t want it to end, I want to fix it. (just FYI we are in our 30’s).

I know we have gone through some tough things recently but my feelings for him haven’t changed, but his have seemed to have changed drastically. I have heard that the best thing to do when a guy has lost interest is to break up and drop all contact with them so they have some space & he can take some time to realize that life sucks without me, but I know that back fired to the last girl that did that to him, it sent him running straight into my arms and we have been together since lol. I def don’t want to send him into the arms of a new girl. Please help!!

GARLAND: Thank you for your question! I sincerely apologize for the delay in getting you this answer!

Let me start by hitting two points right off the bat:

#1 Please don’t fool yourself into thinking you know anything about his previous relationships! You know ONLY what he has told you. You know ONLY one side of a story, and that is ONLY if he is not lying! So, please please please - drop the whole perspective of thinking that you know about ultimatums that prior girlfriends gave him, or statements that he did or did not make to them. Once you start taking his word as gospel, you’ll start forming opinions that might be way off the mark, so let’s ONLY work in the realm of what you can see and touch. That will save you a ton of drama later in this relationship. If you listen to nothing else I say, LISTEN TO WHAT I JUST SAID.

#2 The Best Advice is NOT to cut ties with him until he changes his mind. Cutting ties may be the best thing to do, but don’t do it under the assumption that he’ll ‘come to his senses’ and come running to you begging that you’ll take him back. That leads to all kinds of emotional foolishness and was probably started by someone who was not a man. But again, I don’t rule out cutting ties, as you’ll see in a minute.

Now, onto the issue – your man is drifting away. That could be any number of things. He could be experiencing some medical issues and maybe he doesn’t want to talk about them. That would make someone seem distant. He could have some problems going on at work, or he could simply be over-worked. Or, he could be losing interest in you, or any of five dozen other things.

If you’ve called him out on being distant, and he threw a hissy fit, followed by Mad-Love, and then distance again… he’s got some issues. I’m gonna’ be honest with you and I’m gonna’ quote one of my favorite WMAT readers, “Clarice”, and I’m gonna’ tell you “don’t borrow drama.” If this guy is shutting you down and shutting you out, just walk away now. Just walk away. If he can’t stay focused on you and your feelings after seven brief months, how do you honestly… HON-EST-LY… expect him to stay focused on you for a year, or two years, or three or five? If he has something going on and he’s not equipped as a mature person to discuss them with you intelligently, then chances are, he’s NOT ready for a grown up relationship and all the WANTING in the world from you is NOT going to prepare him for it. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I talk to questioners just like I would talk to my sister. I wouldn’t soft pedal her, and I’m not gonna’ soft-pedal you. He’s probably a nice guy and a fine human being, but if he is shutting you out, and won’t talk about it – move on and don’t look back.

CHUCK: There is another possibility with this guy you may need to consider: He may not know how to follow through on a relationship. He's courted you, won you, and nine months later, he doesn't know how to be around you. Some guys like the chase, the pursuit of a woman into a relationship, but don't know how to be in a relationship. It's an emotional maturity thing.

Garland's right about taking what he says about his past girlfriends with a grain of salt. As a matter of fact, here, take this salt shaker. He may be giving his past relationships a spin to make himself look good. And to discourage you from doing something he wouldn't like.

Anyway, you cannot trouble yourself with whether you expressing your dissatisfaction with his behavior is going to drive him away. He sounds as though he has essentially left you already. Responding to you only out of a sense of obligation alone is far from desirable, for you or him. So, it is worth it for you to address the issue with him one more time. Put the onus on him this time: "It seems as though you've been unhappy lately. Is there something going on that I can help you with." Give him the opportunity to be honest with you.

But be prepared. If he blows you off, and is attentive for only a couple of weeks to shut you up, then goes back to being an uncaring lump, get out. You and your self-esteem deserve more. Good luck.

What Happens in a Vegas Strip Club, Comes Home 3 Years Later, Or There Ain't No Sex in the Champagne Room

2011-06-26T17:57:00.008-04:00

QUESTION: Hey, I just found your blog and thought what the hey I will ask you the questions i have. I have been married almost 8 yrs and have 3 beautiful children and my husband has been keeping something from me for awhile and I just got it out of him, maybe. He just told me that he went to a strip club 3 yrs ago and that's all he said. I want to know what happens at strip clubs in Vegas and what can I expect that he did while he was there. I think the most upsetting part to me about it is he went with some business colleagues who all know that he is married, and i think it is pretty embarrassing for me that he did that. i have seen these men and they all knew....it makes me feel like i'm not good enough and i wonder if thats what all the other guys were thinking. should i drop the whole subject since it happened 3 yrs ago or should i demand to know what all went on that night at the club?

GARLAND: Wow, great question. First – let me apologize for the delay in answering your question, I’m very sorry about that!

I’ve always heard about the mystique of Vegas strip clubs, but I’ve never been in one out there. I have however, been in a few strip clubs in my time. So, I have to tell you, there are a LOT of things that can happen at a strip club.

-Men [and women] can see a lot of beautiful women in various stages of undress,
-People can have a lot of laughs and enjoy a few good drinks with their friends,
-People can get some serious business done in the relaxed atmosphere,
-People can get lap dances, some with clothed women, some with naked women,
-People can also have sexual encounters under the right circumstances.

I don’t mean to freak you by that last one, but I don’t want to keep anything from you.

Why he brought this up after three years is very odd to me, and then to say it and walk away without further comment is kinda’ strange in my book. Strange, but NOT The strangest thing in the world. So, I’m not sure what’s up with that. As his wife, I’d rather you go ahead and just tell him, “Look Babe, you mentioned the Vegas strip club and my mind has been racing since then. I want to know what happened, not the grizzly details, but I want to know if you messed around or where unfaithful to me?” Say it that way! Don’t go in guns-a-blazing, and accusing him of cheating, and demanding to know every single detail, that makes you look a little crazy and very insecure. Nobody wants that. And I don’t want you worried that your husband was unfaithful when he probably wasn’t. There is a good chance that nothing serious happened and that is why he mentioned it and didn’t say anything else I because simply put, there was nothing else to tell.

As far as his co-workers go, please don’t make something out of nothing. Going to the strip club was not a personal assault on YOU as a wife and a woman. It was simply some guys, having “guy time”. They were away from home, away from the wives and kids and just having some harmless fun probably. They didn’t say, “Hey Sam! Let’s go and be spiteful towards your wife! We’ve been waiting all day to do something that would make her angry!” They were just guys hanging out. We men are visual creatures, and even though we get married, we still are testosterone driven heterosexuals. Most guys enjoy seeing attractive women, and if we can do it while having a few cold beers and some laughs with our friends, then no harm done. And, please stop making his trip to the strip club an attack on you. That is stressful and will eat away at you. And also, trust me, his buddies weren’t sitting up in the club spending any time thinking about you and what kind of wife you are or aren’t, they just wanted to have a good time with their friend, your husband. It had nothing to do with you personally.

Now keep in mind that I’m speaking from what I consider average morals among average guys. I don’t know anything about you and your husband and what your family morals and codes are, but chances are, I’m right on point with my assessment. Just take a minute and ask him if he did anything that you all need to talk about. Chances are that he had a few drinks, slipped a few dollars in a garter here or there and went on to lose money on the Blackjack tables.

CHUCK: I'm with Garland here. This need not be a big deal. If you have questions about the specific events of that night, definitely ask them. This thing should not be something that comes between you, or eats away at your marriage. He felt comfortable enough to tell you about this (albeit, three years late), so the assumption is that he behaved himself. Like Garland says, don't approach with an accusatory tone, just tell him you're curious and would like to know what happened that night.

Just speaking for myself, his visit to the strip club may have come from nothing more than curiousity, or simple tourism. I'll put it like this: If you go to DC, you may want to visit the Washington Monument. If you're in NYC, you might want to see Times Square or the Empire State Building. And if you're a man in Las Vegas without his wife or girlfriend, you might want go to a strip club.

When I was single, I went to Vegas on a business trip. I gambled until I got bored. I had yet to meet up with any of my co-workers. So I decided, first time in Vegas and by myself, I'll go to a strip club. I paid at the door, bought a drink, and had a seat. There were some attractive women there, not to my particular taste (I prefer more natural women). The club seemed on the up-and-up (i.e., there seemed to be no threat of gunfire breaking out at anytime). There also seemed to be no threat of an orgy breaking out either. If that's what someone is looking for, they can just stay in there room and consult the phone book there. After a while, I caught a cab and rode back to my hotel. I had to get up early the next morning. Are these the lurid, seamy details you were expecting?

Another thing Garland got right: Men are visual creatures, and we do not cease to be attracted to other women just because we're married to one. Yoiu can't tell me you've never watched a movie on cable for no other reason than, say, Idris Elba was in it. However, you have to be smart enough and committed enough not to act on that attraction. And if you need to ask some follow-up questions to assure yourself about your husband, by all means, do.

What time is it?

2011-05-28T11:48:00.009-04:00

QUESTION: Dear, Chuck and Garland:
I am 24-year old graduate student from Chicago. Recently my boyfriend of 10 and a half months broke up with [me] without giving me much reason. We met exactly one week before he moved across the country to Seattle to begin his first year of residency. We made an amazing connection from the first date and instantly I knew he was someone I'd be interested in pursuing something long-term with. He felt the same way (or so I thought). Approximately 3 weeks after he moved he flew me to Seattle and we made our relationship official. He asked me if I was prepared for a relationship and we talked about the hardships we faced with him being so busy his first year of residency, and the distance combined with not having much of a rapport. Things started off great, I would visit him about every month or so and when he could he came to Chicago. He's a very laid back guy and he never had a problem with anything I did or ever got upset if we didn't talk. Me on the other hand, the distance really started to take a toll. I had also just started grad school and working full time at a high stress job and I think I got a little needy with wanting his attention. It started with his days off, I looked forward to talking to him because I knew it was his day off but then his days off didn't really seem to differ from his working days in terms of us talking. I didn't want him to feel like his days off should consist of only talking to me, however, I did want to have more communication. I think he was always willing to make time, it's just that I didn't want to be the one to initiate it, I wanted him to want to make the time. At the same time, I knew he worked so hard that I wanted him to enoy his days off. Anyway, after 6 months he broke up with me right after spending Thanksgiving together and by this point I had already met his parents and close friends. He said his feelings had changed and that he didn't love me. A week later we got back together. Things were good for a while but then what I guess was neediness on my end began to show again and I would tell him what I wanted from him. He would say he would work on it and that things would get better after the first year of residency. We ended up planning a vacation to Mexico, I met him in Seattle for a couple days before going to Mexico and while in Seattle I had a dream that he was going to break up with me. We went to Mexico, at times he did seem a bit distant, when we were leaving Mexico things really felt awkward. I admit that I had an uneasy feeling when I left. Then sure enough 2 days after getting back from vacation I asked if he wanted to be in the relationship and eventually he said no.

I tried to ask why and I got several different answers: he doesn't love me, he's not mature enough for a relationship, maybe he can't handle something long term, that he wanted to feel more...

Keep in mind he has not been in a relationship for more than a year since his highschool sweetheart who broke his heart. He also mentioned to me at the beginning of our relationship that he didn't like girls who cried, that he's very picky, and he gets bored with woman.

I truly feel like we are meant to be together. I love him and at some point I believe love was growing for him aswell. I believe the circumstances caused a wedge. We haven't really spoken since the break up a month and a half ago. I have hope that he and I will work things out again, I feel like he just needs to see me again.

Is this a loss cause? I need advice!

Thanks,

GARLAND: Thank you for sharing a question that's so personal and close to your heart.

From what you've offered, I'm afraid this might be a lost cause. Let me tell you why. You have the distance factor, and while distance isn't always a relationship killer, I think in your case, the two of you didn't have any real time to build a foundation that the distance could stand on. One week, for two strangers, is little more than a blink of an eye. The two of you were possibly drawn into each other by the physical attraction and excitement of something new. That 's NOT a bad thing but I think it just wasn't a strong enough start to stand up to the thousands of miles between you and the busy schedules you both shared.

He probably wanted things to work as much as you did, but when two people meet and then get separated and all they can do is talk or write letters and E-Mails, human nature tends to start embellishing. Your mind and your heart tend to conspire to make this new person more than they really are. You subconsciously make them more attractive, more witty, more intelligent, more sexy, more enamored with you, more of the things we look for in the one we love and want to be loved by. This MAY be part of the problem.

I think him telling you at the six month mark that he doesn't love you was his first real shot at trying to be honest with himself and with you. His position couldn't hold up to the scrutiny you gave him so I guess he tried to play along. Eventually, he couldn't play the game anymore.

As a man, I'm glad he was decent enough to end the relationship. He not only set himself free, but he SET YOU FREE TOO! I know that may not sound good, but a lot of worse guys would have strung you along while doing whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted! They would have toyed with your mind, your time and your heart, but this guy knew that your relationship wasn't going to work and he called it quits.

On top of that, it sounds a little like this guy has some 'issues' that he needs to get over. If he's still pining away over a high-school ex, and he says he doesn't like crying women, he has some issues. Well - honestly, no guy LIKES "crying" women, but that is typically NOT a characteristic a guy uses when describing what he does and doesn't like in a woman. You started you question by saying that he didn't give you much of a reason - it sounds to me like he did. Trust me!

This guy has given you a new opportunity to find happiness elsewhere. Please don't blow this opportunity by going back to him, chasing him down and trying to make things work. Don't wait until next month and figure that he's changed his mind and give him a call! Don't peek in on his Facebook and tell him "you just want to be friends, like we used to be! Please don't do any of those detrimental things! You have been set free! Sure it hurts a bit, but the sun will rise tomorrow and I promise that it will hurt a bit less with each passing day. You sound like a young woman with a ton of potential and a million opportunities ahead of you take advantage of all of them, but don't look back! Best of luck to you!!!

CHUCK: A distance like the one you have between you is no way to start start a relationship. Because, as much we like to believe that absence can make the heart grow fonder, it can make a pretty big wedge between people, too.

He was in a new place, working on a difficult job. You have admitted to being needy, and sometimes asking for time that he didn't always have. He has baggage he still has effectively dealt with. You were obviously going through things, too. But he eventually found the distance untenable and wanted out.

Now, there are excuses that can be used to let someone down easy when a relationship is over. But he isn't really using them on you. "I don't love you," is really one of the most final things that can be said in a relationship. And there is a possibility to come back from virtually anything besides that. As Garland says, he could try to keep you around even though he's done with you, and he knows you have no future. But either for you, or (most likely) himself, he is trying to be as straight with you as he can. Be thankful for that.

You want to believe that you two are meant to be together. He, apparently, begs to differ. Please don't let what you wish, and want out of this relationship to lead you to waste any more time on this man. Long distance romances are never easy. But the least you need is the other person to be in the romance with. I'm sorry it didn't work out. But you need to move on. Take care.

Who's the Boss?

2011-04-08T07:58:00.010-04:00

Dear Chuck and Garland: I am so happy I ran across your blog! I'm really do need some advice from a black man's perspective.

Two years ago I met a nice guy at work. He was my boss, although he worked in another location and we saw each other in person only once a week or so. During this time I was living with my then-boyfriend and was being harassed by another employee. My boss became a sounding board for my work problems and I developed a crush on him. I didn't say anything to him out of respect for my then-boyfriend and because I believe that type of office romance is a no-no.

About six months ago I broke up with my boyfriend and moved into my own place. My boss and I have moved on to other jobs. Should I tell this guy that I like him? And if so, how? We only talk and/or email about once a month, so I don't feel comfortable calling asking him out for drinks (a friend's suggestion) or boldly saying "Gat-dayum I want you!" (another friend's suggestion). I'm also embarrassed because I had a hard time dealing with the enormous amount of stress at our previous job. The past six months-year have made me grow tremendously, but I'm not sure that he knows that. I'm not looking for a relationship, even though it would be nice.

My main desire is to get to know him better and at least be his friend so I can see if my feelings for him are genuine or just the result of the situation we were both in when we met. He's only three years older than me, so there are no daddy/authority figure issues going on here. Part of me thinks he would've said something already if the attraction was mutual. He knows I'm single, so is it possible that he's just not into me? Should I say something?

Signed, 30 yet feeling like a shy (dumb?) teenager

CHUCK: 30 Yet, thanks for the question. There is only one way that you're going to find out whether this former supervisor shares your feelings, and that is to just approach him.

I have had a number of workplace relationships in the past. They have never been with a supervisor, but they have also never had the distance that you have now. I can say that if the parties are mature, it can be a worthwhile experience. The fact that you are no longer in the same workplace removes one major obstacle. I think that your main obstacle here is that you are apprehensive about him still knowing things about you from your shared past. Unfortunately, you can't count on him to forget, or un-know things that you already know. So the best way to deal with this situation is to approach it straight.

Before you do that, though the way to deal with him, is to let him know that that situations between you have changed. You say that you have grown more mature. The best method to convey that message is, as your friend says, to ask him out. That way, you can show him, and not tell him that the issues you may have had when you worked together, are now gone.

Rather than laying all your cards on the table right then, you should observe him and see whether any interest exists. Supervisors, those with common sense, at least, should try to restrain any personal attractions that they have for their employees, so as to stay out of court. Maybe he still looks at you that way. Maybe not.

Don't obsess over why he hasn't tried to make the first move. For a supervisor who counseled an employee through a harassment situation to, a couple years later, ask that employee for a date... Well, you see, it just doesn't sound right. He may feel that dealing you dealing with him could bring up memories and associations you might want to avoid. You, however, aren't constrained by such propriety. And if you feel like getting to know this guy better, you should.

GARLAND: Thanks for this question - its a very good one and very special to me personally. When my wife and I first met, it was her that made the initial contact, and had she not - we may not be happily married today. SO DEFINITELY REACH OUT TO HIM!

Like Chuck said, don't stress over the fact that he hasn't reached out to YOU yet. He may have some left over "boss" barriers up and doesn't want to put you in an uncomfortable position. OR - he may have the same question in a que on "What Are Women Thinking?"

For me, LUNCH has always been the safest way to gauge a person. Dinner or Evening Drinks involves meeting at someones house, or picking someone up, or getting a sitter, or dressing up, and maybe dancing and crowds and then there's the whole kiss-goodnight drama. Breakfast is cute, but not practical. LUNCH is what I suggest to you.

If you can find out where he works - try to find a reason to be up that way at a store or a meeting or something, then call him a few days prior and say something like, "Hey Kevin, how's it going. I'm going be near your office one day next week and wanted to know if you wanted to grab some lunch..." Make sure you don't say a specific day at first, because if he can't make it on the day you say, then you've over played your hand and it might not look so nonchalant. Let him say what day is good for him and thne go from there. Lay back and enjoy yourself. It sounds like you have a great attitude about the whole thing - just let whatever happen.

Best of luck to you! Let us know how things play out.

Here comes the Bride and the Gloom...

2011-03-16T20:01:00.020-04:00

QUESTION: What's up guys? My girlfriend turned me onto your blog so I hope that you can answer my question because I hope I'm wrong. My boyfriend proposed to me four months ago and we are getting married this September. I am very excited! We're getting married in my parent's church, I've picked out my bridesmaid's dresses and shoes. I'm looking at the invitations and interviewing photographers. Next week we will be putting a deposit down for the reception hall and tasting cakes and dishes for our dinner.

My problem is this, my fiance isn't excited. He doesn't talk about the wedding, he doesn't talk about the honeymoon, he doesn't ask me any questions he just says, "Yes." and "Okay, that's fine."

Does he not want to get married? He says he does, but he never wants to get involved in the process and this is our wedding, not mine by myself. Should I give him an ultimatum and make him be a part of this wedding or what?

GARLAND: Congratulations on your engagement! But hold on a second before you start throwing around ultimatums, you might hurt somebody!

Let's look at this one of two ways:

On the one hand, your soon to be hubby could want out of the whole deal. That is possible, he would not be the first man to get cold feet.

However, I'm thinking about The Other Hand... He DOES want to marry you and he wants your wedding to be a special day that makes your dreams come true. Let me tell you what I think Your Man might be thinking - he might be thinking, The wedding is really for YOU. YOU and your family and maybe his Mom and Grandma. For him, as with many grooms, he's just showing up to go through the formalities of getting a wife. It's not personal, and it's not a lack of love, it's just that a lot of guys don't care what the bridesmaid's dresses look like. A lot of grooms don't care if the cake is yellow or chocolate, or if you have chicken or fish, or if the invitations are white or eggshell. Some guys just don't care.

It's not that he doesn't care about your feelings, maybe he just doesn't want to be fake, maybe he doesn't want to lie to you when you ask if the strapless shoes will look good on your cousin Sheila's fat ankles. No they won't look good, but he doesn't want to have to lie and say they will. He wants you to be happy, he wants you to be happy with the font on the invitations and he wants you to be happy with all of the pomp and circumstance around your wedding day. I say "your" in the sense of yours and his - but the details and the minutae of the day, are probably above his artistic perception and he, in his eyes, is staying out of the way.

You may want to look at his demeanor as his effort to not cause problems and not rock the boat. I'm sure he loves you and I'm sure he wants to marry you. But that is my opinion. Look at my answer and find a way to ask him if this is what he is feeling. If he says, 'yes,' then you are okay. Let him know that you'd like him to be a bit more involved but don't expect a 180 turn, maybe he'll do a little extra for you.

If he doesn't agree with what I've said, then you may have a problem, and you should send us a follow up question. Best of luck and CONGRATULATIONS again!

CHUCK: Let's just face it: There are many items associated with a wedding that NO man should be expected to care about.

When I was getting married, I was asked repeatedly for my input on invitations, decorations, centerpieces. No man should be asked about centerpieces. Most men never even notice a centerpiece, unless it's in our way when we're reaching for our drink. And then our thoughts go to, "Why is that damn centerpiece in my way?" Just trust me on that.

What I would find a little worrisome, is that, according to you, there seems to be no aspect of the wedding, great or small, that he has an interest in. Whereas I could not be expected to care in the same way about everything associated with our wedding, some things I did take an interest in. Like the reception menu. Like the deejay. Like whether we were going to have an open or cash bar. Like the honeymoon.

At the very least, to have no opinion about where you want to go for your honeymoon sounds pretty strange, to me. But, to be fair, let's examine your behavior, too. Is it possible that you may be a little dominant of your future husband in your relationship? Do you ask for his opinion when you really don't want it, and are determined to do things your way, regardless? Because, if he feels that he won't be heard, he may have just decided to go along to get along. If that isn't the case, I apologize, but I had to ask.

One thing that you can do, to test his resolve, is turn one aspect of the wedding entirely over to him. Tell him that you're too busy with other things, and you need him to work with the caterer on the menu, or notify the travel agent about the honeymoon. You can see how he does with his own project, and no constant oversight. But I don't think you should worry that he doesn't want to marry you. He wouldn't agree to subject himself to the wedding process, unless the goal was something he really wanted. Congratulations.

Dad or Cad?

2011-02-23T22:48:00.009-05:00

QUESTION: Hey guys! I need some help because I think I'm going crazy.

I met this guy, I'll call him 'Robert' about three months ago at my girlfrind's birthday party. It was a nice get together with about 30 people and he was talking to different people all night and so was I. But he didn't make any special attempts to talk to me and I didn't go looking for him either. I just noticed him because he was wearing a bright red shirt and he looked like Maxwell. So, a few days go by and my girlfriend calls me and tells me that Robert wanted to know my name and wanted to know what I was about.

She told him my name and told him he'd have to find out the rest on his own. She had his number and I gave him a call a week later becuase I wasn't pressed. We talked and his conversation was nice and he was funny and we went out on our first date a few days later. He's divorced and has a 6 year old daughter and lives in an apartment in a nice neighborhood. He seems like a great dad and he treats me good.

About a month ago he started talking about commitment and getting married to me and the two of us starting a family and all these great things that I think I wanted to hear. I just didn't want to hear them this soon. And I don't really know what's up between him and the ex. Him and her have joint custody of his daughter and I know they still do things as a family once or twice a month. They go to the movies or they go to the water park or miniture golf and I just don't know what to make of this. He says that him and his wife aren't trying to get back together and everything they do together is for their daughter, but I just don't feel good about it. I'm not used to divorced people being around each other and not having old feelings come back. I'm not happy with him talking marriage to me and still going to the movies with his ex and thier daughter.

He seems like a good man, but I don't know what to do. Can he honestly spend time with his ex-wife and still want a future with me? I am setting myself up to get hurt again?

Thanks for the Luv guys!

GARLAND: Thanks for the question.

I'm more concerned about "Robert" talking marriage and commitment after what? TWO MONTHS? (Three months minus one). Those are heavy issues and need to be given the most attention I think.

If he's already been married and been unsuccessful in that endeavour, then he needs to take his time and approach that subject carefully. If he has a little one, then he needs to be even more prudent and I'm just not feeling the two month sprint to the big big commitment talk. Be very careful on that road.

Okay - about your question. Can he hang with the ex and still be decent toward you? Sure, I guess. I can't say 100% for sure, because only he knows. But, I think trying to maintain a certain comfort level and level of normalcy for his daughter is reasonable. His daughter may have taken the divorce very badly like many kids do, and he and his wife want to help her through it. I think for them to be able to put their differences aside to take her to the movies or the park or the playground is a really great thing.

If you are worried that maybe old feelings will creep back in between them, which they very well could, then you should talk to him. I mean - the two were married and they share a common bond in their daughter, so you are NOT unreasonable to be concerned. I think you should take the time and express your concerns and see what he has to say. He might surprise you with a litany of reasons why he'll never love her again, or he might not. He might tell you that the reasons for their divorce weren't that bad, you'll never know until you talk to him. Keep in mind though, that you are looking out for YOUR HEART and that is always the best cause.

CHUCK: Garland's right. Robert's clock is a little out of whack in terms of what's an appropriate courtship time, but there's no need to panic. Not yet.

A lot of women spend months in the early stages of a relationship, wonder what their man is thinking of, turning over signs and clues like a crime scene technician. This man has laid out his intentions pretty early. Too early. But hopefully, he should understand your desire to take things a little slower, and respect them.

The issue with his ex-wife and daughter is one I don't consider that serious, either. At her age (six), it's probably still important for her to have the illusion that her family is still together, at least for a couple of hours. You wouldn't fault her that, would you?

However, if those family outings change from the movies or the waterpark, to a weekend at the Poconos, or a family cruise to the Bahamas, you might have a little more cause for alarm. Until that happens, just roll with it, though.

Bringing the War Home

2010-12-05T22:53:00.005-05:00

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland,

I am getting a divorce from a drunk who has narcissistic personality traits. Not pleasant…to be sure.

Yeah, I stayed too long. Yeah, I’m a dumb ass. Yeah, so let’s dispense with all the drama on that note.

I do not bad mouth him to my son who is now 19 yrs old, but I also have not been dishonest with him about the DV that transpired and his step-dad’s excessive drinking that he began to do after returning home from the Afghanistan War. He would drink whiskey and Coke every night until he passed out. One night I had enough when we were out and he left me across the street and went back inside the bar – he was drunk and I wasn’t. He sat at a table with other women and ended up staying out until 4:30am with two other women he worked with who he met up with at another bar after our argument. He came home at 4:30am inebriated – I left him and although he apologized he made light of it and didn’t think it was a big deal and I should get over it. I disagreed.

When I came back home from my mother’s to get some of my things – as I was leaving he grabbed me and a bad incident of DV occurred. He was arrested and I obtained a RO and kept it solid for 4 months with zero contact. I made it that way because I knew I could cave emotionally if I didn’t.

He never took any accountability whatsoever. He lied about it all. Spread nasty untrue rumors about me, so I moved out and went to live with family.

After those 4months I still did not drop the charges and I told the State Attorney that he needed Anger Management, Substance Abuse and PTSD help – she offered him pre-trial diversion of those things vice criminal charges and he accepted. He is still drinking – and tells me it is worse than it was before.

He filed for divorce and it is in the process now.

He calls me and cries telling me that he still loves me and that he wants “me” to fight for us….and that he wants counseling and blah, blah, blah….

Then he turns it around like he never said any of it and has done that repeatedly. So, I have once again and for the last time Stopped any and all Contact by blocking his email, phone #’s etc., and have advised him and my attorney that any contact is to be referred through my attorney not directly through me.

Now that I’ve blocked him from my life and refused to allow him any contact with me and have stopped any chances he has of toying with my emotions, manipulating the situation, reeling me in only to throw me back out….blah, blah, blah….

My question to y’all is this:

Concerning my son and his step-dad what say you? His step-dad has been in his life for about 6 years – through the middle and high school years. While his step-dad’s behaviors have been very bad - he wasn’t all bad – I truly don’t believe any one is 100% all black and toxic.

For the most part their relationship has been good. He has been supportive of him and a fairly good role-model as far as a father type role, as for the drunken narcissist abusive bad to mommy man….NOT so good.

My son was in college for a year in Hawaii but just recently has returned to live with me and we have a good non-dysfunctional relationship. I do not bad mouth his step-father, but I also have not been dishonest with him about the DV that transpired and the excessive drinking, lack of accountability, responsibility, boundaries, etc.

Any suggestions or insights regarding this situation from a male-perspective would be greatly appreciated. I want to do right by my boy and think y’alls input would be useful and open my eyes to perhaps some things I am not seeing or thinking about.

Thanks for y’alls efforts.

GARLAND: Thank you for such a candid question.

While Chuck and I can bang out answers to stupid cheating boyfriends and ex's that still want a little nookie on the side. We want to take questions like yours and stress to you that we are not trained professionals, so take what we say at face value and keep in mind that a professional's touch might be helpful too.

I just want to jump on a few things that leap out at me - you say, twice actually that you "don't bad mouth his stepfather but you don't hide the DV either." This is a little red flag for me, because you don't have to bad-mouth someone to make them look bad. You can speak the truth in a calm clear voice and relay candid details about someones poor behavior and be 100 honest and still come out with you looking one way and the other person looking another way. So, while you are not bad mouthing him in the old fashioned sense of the word, if you are telling your son about DV you are being subjected to, you probably are creating a bias in your son. If my mom came to me today and said, "your father has been beating me every week for the last ten years," she's not throwing him under the bus, she's being honest about the DV. And I would still want to kick my father's ass. See my point. The bias has been created.

Now, before you think I'm picking sides here - let me say that I'm sorry to hear that you are going through DV. That is a terrible thing and I hope you seek some counseling and talk to some professionals. On first blush, I wonder if your ex has some post war issues from the middle east causing him to be a fool towards you. He may very well have some PTSD going on. Before you think about returning to him or buying in to his on-again, off-again love, he must truly seek professional help to get rid of [or at least get control of] his demons. He sounds like a mentally erratic alcoholic. And, he may be dangerous to you, or himself.

Now, as far as your question goes - I think you are very fortunate that your son is a 19 year-old, young man. He's not a little boy. He is old enough to have had some "Man-Lessons" and he still needs more, but he's older and wiser and he should be allowed to have a 50/50 vote in whether he spends time with your ex, his step-dad. From your question, I'm not 100% sure if your ex wants to be around your son, maybe he does, but it's not clear. I have to say though - if I were 19, I would be fairly uncomfortable being around a man that was NOT my biological father AND was abusive to my mother. I would have a hard time with that until your ex made some serious improvements. Personally, if I were you - I'm not certain that I'd want an abusive man to be a role model to my 19 year old son. A role model, should be a solid, compassionate, non-abusing individual. Frankly, I'm concerned that he would be a bigger negative than a positive!

And then, you don't know what he is saying about you! He might not be throwing you under the bus either and he might be just as honest about the DV as you are - only from his own perspective. He could be telling your son, "Your mom has a big mouth... your mom cheated on me... your mom hit me first.... your mom wasn't giving me enough..." or any number of things. Do you really want your son in this position?

I say, give your son a 50% vote, with you having the other 50% and give him the tie-break vote on whether or not he spends time with your ex. The two of you are the biological family, your ex is just there by marriage.

Good luck to you and your son. And, good luck to your ex if he seeks help. Please remember that if he gets help - he's not getting it so the two of you can get back together, he is getting it to save his life and sober his mind. If a reunion is in the cards down the road - then great. But don't make his sobriety about you and your son.

CHUCK: Here's a possibly pertinent anecdote: I once worked as a clerk for a man who had cerebral palsy (IIRC). He walked with braces and had a slight speech impediment. We got along fairly well, until something went wrong with one of his projects, and he tried to lay the blame on me (incorrectly). After that, I started to see this guy's true side: He was a liar, he was selfish, he was not that competent, and worst of all to me, he had no qualms about cynically exploiting his handicap to get out of trouble.

How this guy conducted himself was very instructive to me, as it proved to me that whatever problems or challenges a person may be going through that could make you sympathetic to them, a prick is still a prick. Maybe PTSD has turned your ex into a violent, manipulative drunk. Or maybe he was hiding those facets of himself all along.

Either way, thanks for displaying the common sense and courage to leave this man when he started this downward spiral. A lot of women would have hung around to see the end, out of love. But you have put the psychological and physical well-being of yourself and your son first. Good for you.

As for your son's future relationship with his stepfather, I agree with Garland. It doesn't seem that you are really adamant about refusing your son access to him. But the feeling is, maybe you should, because you can't control what your ex might say about you, to curry your son's favor. And really, what kind of role model is he for your son?

There are ways that you can impose some control over the situation. If you ex is honest about healing himself, encourage your son to speak with your ex's therapist, in terms of evaluating his progress. Maybe he or she would recommend a session with the two of them. But I would suggest you limit their contact until you have assured yourself that your ex-husband is on the right path. Good luck to you.

Not the Man You Think He Is

2010-10-15T09:32:00.007-04:00

QUESTION: First and foremost i wanna say you guys do an awesome job and i am totally impressed with this site. i dont know who you two are but i wanna hang out lol. so here is my dilemma kinda stupid but still wasting energy on it :(

Two years ago I met my a man 11 yrs older than me while he was working in my country. He was single and handsome, so loving and so kind towards what id been thru in my broken marriage. it seemed like i really had a chance to be happy with someone again.

We saw each other everyday for 10 months and my little girl adored him. When his contract ended and he had to leave he asked me to go with him back to his country but i couldn't because of my job and i wasn't ready to give up everything, but he came back to see me and two months later i went to see him.i stayed with him for two weeks and it was magical.

Although there were red flags, he was seen around with other girls while i was away and he was terribly controlling, i was so blinded by the love i felt for him. When i left he begged me to come back. In December last year he asked me to move to him again, and when i finally accepted, quit my job and gave up my apartment, he wrote to me a month later (after becoming distant) to tell me that i cannot come because he is not the man i think he is, that he is not ready for the commitment. This is after promising me the earth moon and sun for 10 months. Saying that he was ready to be like a father to my child and to love and care for us. I was so heartbroken and left with nothing, i cut off all contact with him from that day.

Even if i wanted to try and move on, 10 weeks later he started calling saying how sorry he was and how he wants to make things work. I stupidly forgave him That was in Feb and we talked everyday since then and he made plans to come seeme in august. two months ago he got cold and distant again calling less and less and when i asked him he said he was busy and we haven't seen each other for so long maybe that's why. So i told him then while chatting not to come if he's losing interest in me again because he had changed towards me, i said this hoping that he would try to be nicer, but he never even replied and i never heard from him again. So i deleted him again from all my contacts and tried to move on again.

Now two weeks ago he texted me saying he misses me, and i stupidly kept contact again for two weeks, yesterday i asked him why are we talking again and why did he stop talking to me for two months he didnt even reply and signed out. So once again i deleted his ass and sent him an email basically saying do not text me out of boredom, or cos its been two months, or if you're just checking to see if your fanclub of exes is still intact. i told him i am not interested in being his friend and i made it clear to only call me should he wake up one day and magically realise how great we were together and that he loves me enough to work things out. I even recently found he had been sleeping with a lot of other women while he was in my country we’re a very small community, all the while seeing me and asking me to never leave him and telling me how i’m the one.

Why do men do these things and im praying i will be strong to tell him where to go should i ever hear from him again. It hurts but i know i need to move on. My question is why does he keep coming back if hes not interested inhaving a relationship? why was he texting? its not like i'm a phone call away for a shag why play these games then. Do you guys think he'll respond to my email or will i hear from him again this time?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question. You'll hear from him again.

This guy sounds like a game playing nut and not much more. And sadly, it takes at least two to really play games. Any idea who the second person is?

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but I need to be real with you. If you think enough of us to ask our opinions, then we should think enough of you to be honest. By your own words, you knew this guy was shady but you let him push and pull you around and you said that Love blinded you. Let's not go around giving love a bad name.

But, I'm not answering your question - Why do some men do these things? Some guys do this because they are stupid and weak and they like to keep willing women dangling on the hook. Some guys just like a fail-safe for when times get tough and the lovin' is lean. I'm beating around the bush here, so let me stop... Look, some guys are just assholes. There, I said it.

This guy is a game playing asshole and sadly you are helping him play the game. He does his thing, he gets his booty from the other women, he's eating his cake and then when the phone stops ringing, he knows you'll be entertaining for a few weeks and he still gets to have more cake - then you get the, "Baby you know I love you... Baby I'm sorry I've been a ignoring you... Baby I'm gonna do better... Baby, baby, baby...," E-Mail. To which you reply... TO WHICH YOU REPLY!

TO - WHICH - YOU - REPLY! Your reply plays right into his hands. He loves it. He loves the fact that you will help perpertuate his foolishness.

HE will play with your emotions as long as you allow him to. As long as you keep telling him, "When you decide to do this..." "When you decide to do that..." "When you're ready for this..." "When you're ready for that..." he'll continue to treat you like he is. You keep giving him the power, and like anyone that is power hungry and wanting to play games, he will. You've got to come to the point when you accept and believe that you are not a toy and you are not to be toyed with. That means no returning of his calls and texts, blocking his E-Mails, moving on AND NOT LOOKING BACK and more importantly, being blinded by the love of yourself, not the misplaced love of an unworthy scrub.

CHUCK: Let me give you the benefit of a conversation I heard on the radio this morning. It concerned relationships between men and women, and the shady behavior that sometimes takes place. This woman said that, men will always be honest with you. And before I could even fully voice the word, "WHAT?" she amended her comment, "if not in their words, then in their actions." And I said, "Damn." Because, whether you realize it or not, that's what's taking place here.

He tells you that he loves you, asks you to forgive him for the last time he came around and ruined your life, and then shortly thereafter, he's growing distant again, and breaking off contact. Despite his flowery words, his actions display what he truly means. Which is more like. "I'm lonely now, and I need some attention, but I realize the only way that I can get it from you, is if I act like I'm sorry for the last time I hurt you. So, accept these lies first, then hang with me for a while, until I start feeling better about myself, and I can cut you loose."

In response to your question, though, Garland is pretty much right. The reason that men do stuff like this is mainly for the ego massage. They like the idea that no matter how bad they've treated a woman, she will still accept his weak lines and insincere apologies. He has no intention of doing right by you. EVER.

That being the case, and considering that what you need in you life is good, loving people, and not emotional parasites, feel free to ignore any future contact from this man. He's probably decided long ago that he does not want to be in your life in a significant way. It's time you made the same decision about him.

Once, Twice... Three times?

2010-08-12T22:59:00.005-04:00

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland:

For about a month now, I have been dating a guy in his early thirties, who has been divorced twice. There is not one thing I don't like about him. He is attentive, loving and focused on doing things that make me happy. The only thing I am cautious about is his relationship history. What are your thoughts on this? Is this a red flag? Am I dealing with a case of "he was so charming in the beginning, but turned out to be a psycho?" I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in like everyday, but at the same time I don't want to get into something I may regret later on down the line? Or there any signs I should pay attention to that may tell me if this is all a front?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I happen to think that when guys have been married more than once and then divorced more than once, the problem may lie with them, not the women they chose.

This is my reasoning: Most guys that I've ever spoken to about multiple marriages all seem to have the same attitude - once is enough. There is too much to being married to try and go through that two or three times. Now, this is just a lot of the guys I know, 35 to 45, professional, various levels of education, most of us married, no bums living at home with mama! So that is just one part of my rationale.

The other part though, is this: When this guy got married once and it didn't work out, he turned around and did it again UNSUCCESFULLY! So that means that he either picks bad women or he is a bad husband. For example, if he got married the first time and she was crazy, then maybe that lead to the divorce. So if he was smart, he didn't pick the same kind of woman twice, if he did then he is a fool. But, if he picked a different kind of woman, then maybe he was the problem. Either way - I think this guy probably makes bad decisions or he doesn't have his act together.

There could be any number of reasons that he has been married and divorced twice, I'm only hitting on few. Two isn't necessarily a "killer" number, it seems high to me for him to be in his thirties, but I think it is clearly something you should keep on your mind. He may be the kind of guy that is scared to be by himself, so he married women to assure companionship; He could need to have a "mama figure" around so he gets married; he could be the kind of guy that thinks he's in love with love and every woman he sleeps with he proposes to. I honestly don't know, and I'm a bit biased because of a guy I know, who's NOT a friend of mine, but he's been through two wives and he is a very controlling and dark fellow who is quite terrible in relationships.

Tread carefully with this guy, and if you think things are getting serious, you are 100% within your rights to ask him about his marriages and his divorces. You owe YOURSELF loyalty, not him. If he doesn't want to talk about these subjects to your satisfaction, then you may need to prepare for a long and bumpy right with this fellow. Good luck!

Why can't weeeeee be friends?

2010-07-17T21:11:00.005-04:00

Dear Chuck and Garland,

I am a young woman, 24 years old. I was involved with a guy of the same age for three years during university. He was my first boyfriend and only, as I am still to re-enter the dating world. We were both foreign students from the same country who met at university and had (what I thought) was a great relationship which most people, including me thought would end in a marriage. We had lived together for a year and became really close to each other's family etc. I will give him credit where it's due, he treated me well, in that he supported me emotionally and financially through some rough patches in my life. I never had to ask twice for something from him and I do believed that he cared for me, even if he may not have loved me as I loved him.

We broke up because I graduated one semester before him and returned to our home country. We spoke about what would happen when I moved and we decided that we would be in a long distance relationship until he returned as well. About a month after I left, I found out that he was cheating on me with a mutual friend. Of course, I went crazy and confronted him. He could not deny it and told me he was unsure about us and he was in love with this other woman. Upon my questioning his intentions all along, as he was the one who always brought up marriage etc when we were dating, he said he was in love with me, cared for me and knew that I was a good woman who would make a good wife and he thought he wanted me. Emphasis on thought-- until he starting seeing the other woman. So the relationship ended-- with much agony for me as I was shocked and very hurt.

I should also mention that he cheated on me earlier, very early in the relationship... something which was a very early warning sign that he had a fidelity problem. But he indicated that I refused (which is true) to be intimate with him and he had his needs met eslewhere. The relationship was also long distance when this happened. By the time I had found about about that early problem, the cheating had stopped ( by his choice) and he was really trying to make it work for us. That is why I forgave him and took him back.

The second time though, I just walked away.

When he graduated, not so long ago, he moved back to our home country and started up a business and decided to settle here as well. We talk sometimes as friends, and have met on a few ocassions and had lunch and dinner etc. He indicates to me that he wants to be friends with me because we do get along well, once we avoid the issues of the past relationship. I don't mind friendship as I think I can handle that we 'were' . But he hints to me that he wants more, he keeps saying, I was the best thing to happen to him, he made mistakes etc. I don't know if pursuing a friendship with him will lead him to think that he has a chance to get close to me again. I see it for what it is, friendship but I am aware that he may using friendship to squeeze his way back in. What do you guys think? Can people be friends after dating? What do you think his intentions are?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and sorry for the delay in getting this answer posted.

Let's see... yes, men and woman can sometimes be friends after dating and after breaking up. But in my opinion, those times are far and few in between. If your ex has cheated on you twice, then you have a very reasonable barometer to his trends and habits. Frankly, I think this guy will continue to keep you in his pockets just like so many loose nickels. He doesn't really want you, but he wants to keep you close enough to keep an eye on or maybe to keep someone else from taking your attention.

I think a better man would say, "I've hurt this woman twice and she's forgiven me. I'm going to leave her alone and let her heal." A decent guy would not be trying to satisfy his own... guilty conscience... or underhanded plan.

And then we come to the whole "being friends" thing. Calling this chap a 'friend' is an insult to the REAL friends you've had for years. The REAL 'friends' that were there for you when this guy dogged you. The REAL 'friends' that care about you and your feelings and not just their own. This guy may be nice, but don't try to paint him with the 'friend' brush. You two will probably never be TRUE friends. If your 'radar' is active and you have some doubts and/or concerns about him and his objective, then please trust yourself. I think you're going to open yourself up to some serious vulnerability.

Good luck and best wishes.

CHUCK: I'll be succinct: People who have dated can remain friends after dating, depending on the behavior that you are willing to tolerate from your friends. If you place a value on friends that you can trust, and that are loyal to you, this man has already shown that he is unworthy to be your friend by cheating on you (twice) while you were dating.

Now, people can change, and, in certain circumstances, should be given second chances. But that should not mean that we should allow the past to be forgoten completely. Those who forget the past are doomed to blahblahblah and all that.

Is he trying to use friendship to squeeze his way back in? Absolutely. He's not even trying to hide it. He realizes that he fouled up, but you will not take him back straight off, so he believes if he plays the friend role for a while, he might be able to soften you up to get back together. Now you can be his friend if you want, but be mindful of what he's setting up. And most importantly, DON'T DO IT.

This guy has shown that the minute that there is any appreciable distance between you, that he will cuddle up with the next nearest female. He's done it twice. That you know about. If he's bad friend material, he's even worse boyfriend material. I say, let it all pass. You can do better.

the Clock-Puncher

2010-05-14T10:43:00.001-04:00

QUESTION: My guy has a routine. We have been going out for close to a year now, and I am confused by some issues. Right so he is older by twelve years, and I have four kids, three of whom live with me.

He comes over daily, by about 6pm, hangs around, sometimes helping the kids with homework, sometimes just watching TV. Then leaves promptly at 9:30 after I have put the kids to bed. (No attempts at intimacy here at all) He refuses to stay the night. He will send a text to say that he is home.

On weekends when the kids are there, he also comes over, spends lots of time with them talking, playing with the younger ones etc. But again he leaves at 9:30 - 10 pm...maybe sometimes 11:00pm if we are watching a movie, and is back at our place around lunch time the following day. Yes , we do go out all together on occasion.

The weekends that the kids are with their dad, he spends the night at my place, and then we may spend the Saturday night at his.

A few things bother me:
1) He puts new rules in place for the kids without consulting me.
2) He walks around putting things away and tidying up the place
3)He expects fair and equal share to things in our fridge (like he lives here)
4) He sometimes expects dinner...whether I am cooking or not..but will not help himself. Yet when the kids are not there, he has no problem making breakfast.
5) In discussion about issues sometimes, he literally tells me the "proper" way to do something; and I can really feel the mental block when I attempt to make my suggestions.
6) He discusses a "future together" when we are alone, but the minute the kids ask questions like "when are you guys getting married?" he responds in the negative all the time.
7) He never wants to face that he may have shortcomings.

I sometimes feel like a "kept" woman, yet he doesn't pay any of my bills. Basically, sometimes I feel like I am being played. Like he's only along for a ride as long as it would last. He discusses committment, and calls me future wife, but I get the feeling sometimes that its all a game to him. What am I missing?

GARLAND: So, you've actually been to his place? Well, that's great, because your 'friend' was sounding more and more married by the moment.

I hate to be a downer here, but it sounds like he is just going through the motions with you. He's in by 6 and out by 9:30... that gives him most of his evening to himself. This is of course assuming that he's not the kind of guy that has to be in bed by 10. If that is the case then, well... he's just an old dude that needs his rest.

But, I want to address the points you raised so specifically:

1) He puts new rules in place for the kids without consulting me.

THIS is absolutely unacceptable. Those are your kids and he's not your husband and he's not raising them. His behind-your-back influence is dangerous, especially if it is unwanted by you. I always have a gripe with people (men & women) that incorporate their kids so deeply into their dating. Sure, I know you're gonna' say he has to accept YOU and YOUR KIDS, and that is true. But YOU have to control [and sometimes limit] how much influence your 'friend' has over your children. If you let them get very close to this guy and he flakes out on you, then they have an emotional loss too! And, in worse situations, he gains their trust, and if he has a few screws loose, then he can become a physical threat to your kids as well!!! But, if he's making rules and you aren't involved, you need to lay down the law to him with the quickness - if you don't then you are doing them a grave injustice.

2) He walks around putting things away and tidying up the place

This could be his effort to be helpful OR it could be a little passive aggressive move to let you know your place is a mess. I really don't know. But if you don't like it - tell him to keep his hands out of your drawers... and closets and cabinets.

3)He expects fair and equal share to things in our fridge (like he lives here)

The next time he makes a sandwich, you could just ask him what he picked up from the grocery store, or you could just remind him that you are a single mom with a bunch of kids and you didn't factor a grown man into your grocery budget. He'll snicker I'm sure, then you tell him that you weren't joking, and "if he wants to eat at your place, a few bags of groceries once in a while would be appreciated."

4) He sometimes expects dinner...whether I am cooking or not..but will not help himself. Yet when the kids are not there, he has no problem making breakfast.

See my comment above. You have a real gem with this dude!

5) In discussion about issues sometimes, he literally tells me the "proper" way to do something; and I can really feel the mental block when I attempt to make my suggestions.

Hmm, this sounds like he's got some Daddy issues going on. And he thinks he's the Dad... The Bad Dad. The more I read here, the more he sounds like a crotchety old father. You say that he's 12 years older than you, maybe he feels older than that. That would explain why he leaves at 9:30; why he tries to tell your kids - his fake grandkids, what to do; why he doesn't make sex a big deal; why he cleans up after you; why he eats what he wants; and why he feels the need to correct you and tell you why the things you do could be better. He MIGHT think that he's your Dad.

6) He discusses a "future together" when we are alone, but the minute the kids ask questions like "when are you guys getting married?" he responds in the negative all the time.

He does this because he thinks you like to hear it. He keeps you on the hook with this bullcrap. Please tell me that he doesn't call you 'wifey.'

7) He never wants to face that he may have shortcomings.

He's an arrogant ass. (That one was easy)

I think that this guy just doesn't want to be alone. He probably thinks that you and your kids are okay to hang out with, maybe you all are better than his being all alone. But from what you are saying, he sounds like he is just going through the motions and giving you just enough attention to get you to open the front door each night. If all you want is a warm body to sit next to on the sofa - then he's your man, then again, you could just buy a German Sheppard. Sorry-

CHUCK: Garland and I were emailing each other, discussing your question (not something we always do), and I suggested jokingly that the reason for your male friend's 9:30 departures might be that he wants to play house, but needs to be back home in time to see CSI: Miami. We laughed about that, but, thinking about it, there may be something to that theory. Does he have a high-def television? Do you? Don't laugh, things like this can intrude upon a relationship.

You sound frustrated and confused by this man, and you have a right to be. Because he is treating your relationship like a cafeteria meal. Allow me to explain: Rather than just accepting your entire relationship as it is, he flits around, like someone getting lunch in a cafeteria, selecting the things he's prepared to accept, a la carte.

This is him: "Yes, I'll have the boss-the-kids-around-like-I'm-their-father, and the raid-the-refigerator-like-I-filled-it-up. What do I want the respect-her-opinion and the plan-for-the-future? No, thanks. And I'll that to go. Fox News is on at 10:00."

He is content to do just so much, and only extend himself so far (I will give him credit for helping clean around your house, though. There aren't too many men wiling to do that.). He's content to act like the head of your household, as long as he doesn't have to pay any money, or make a real commitment.

And why does he think he can get away with that? Because you have let him think that what he's doing is okay, by allowing him to get away with it. You need to let him know that ordering your children around comes with some dues that he hasn't paid yet. You need to let him know that your place is more than a rec center and a supper club. You need to tell him that he is fallible, and the sun has yet to shine out of his behind.

It's been said before, but a person will only get away with what you let them get away with. And as long you you allow him to set the terms of your relationship, you will have to continue dealing with this nonsense. Address your issues with him honestly, and see how he responds.

There's No Sex Like Drunk Sex - Literally

2010-05-06T08:31:00.004-04:00

QUESTION: okay, here goes..... i am in a relationship with a man and we don't have sex....ever. its been seven months and we've had sex maybe three times. we've been together for a year and 4 months. our relationship started out as more of a friendship with lots of sex,always while we were drunk b/c thats what we did every night. he hadnt been in a relationship for 12 years (he's 34) before him and i got together. about four months in we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend and both agreed that we should take a break from the sex thing for a few months and kind of "start over" as if it had never happened and also both agreed we should try it out sober, which we hadnt done yet. so we waited 4 months then tried at it again, and it was great. he had some issues with staying hard though. that lasted for a few months. also you should know that i am never the one to initiate sex because i need to be turned on and also have a sence of being wanted. so then i realized one day that we hadnt had sex in a long time and deccided to talk to him about it. he said that there were a few issues with sex he was having and trying to deal with. one of them being he now realizes that he loves me and it is hard for him to do the dirty things that he used to do to me, but those are the things that really turn him on. another issue is that he feels like he doesnt please me..... hes always been really good in bed and had "one night" stands that last a few weeks. its been 12 years since hes had to keep someone happy sexually for more than a few weeks, and he says it makes him feel insecure. we talk about this every so often because it just makes me feel so insecure about myself. you should also know that he loves checking women out. that didnt used to bother me, but i guess because were not having sex, it does now. i just picture him picturing himself having sex with these women, and i can undress in front of him and he has no urge to fuck me. i guess what im asking, is there anything i can do in this situation?? do you think this is somethign he can overcome. I love him to death but i cant go the rest of my life wondering if the guy who loves me so much is ever going to want to fuck me ever again?? and he says he does, but i just wonder how someone can know if theyve overcome anything w/o at least trying it out to see if they still feel the same. the three times we have had sex in the last seven months, ive initiated..... which ive recently said im not doing anymore, b/c i need to feel wanted by him and i havnt in so long..........please help, any advise would be great.

GARLAND: Okay... WOW. Uh, that was a lot of information. I think when people give all of this extra information they're mainly venting, and the real question is lost. So, sadly, I just don't have it in me to read this a third time. After reading it twice, I finished with the same impression. This guy has to be drunk to sleep with you.

Now THAT has been a running joke with guys for the last 400 years, but in your case - IT'S TRUE! If you have sex like horny, Red Bull fueled, teenagers when you are blitzed out of your mind and yet when he sobers up, he's so blown away by this heavenly love he has for you that he wouldn't dare defile your virtue by touching you with an erection... I can only say, "Give me a break, please."

I don't know what his deal is, I don't know what he's thinking, but I can tell you that your future, at least your sexual future with this chap is going to be pretty bleak unless you BOTH change. He's got to stop being a frilly prude when you want to get your swerve on, and sometimes you are going to have to stop waiting to be hunted and become the predator!

And by the way - to quote our beloved reader "Clarice" - Please stop "borrowing drama!" The whole - 'picturing him, picturing himself having sex with these women,' sounds really... uh... dangerous. Please don't let your fears lead you down the road to serious paranoia. 99.9% of all straight men, even those in relationships, look at women! We are visual creatures, we see a fine looking woman, we are going to look at her - hopefully in a subtle and respectful manner to everyone involved, but we are going to look. Don't make a man's natural urge into something overly dramatic when it doesn't need to be - please don't 'borrow drama' and insert it where it doesn't really exist.

The two of you need to have a serious and heart-felt talk about your relationship, but until that happens, I say, get your guy a six pack of Dos Equis, a couple of condoms, a tub of cool-whip, a pair of handcuffs and a squeeze bottle of Smuckers grape jam and GET BUSY!!!

CHUCK: I'm going to get Psych 101 here for a minute, and talk about something called the Madonna/Whore Complex. Basically, it's a psychological principle that states that men either view women as a Madonna (no, not her): pure, virginal, and untouchable; or as a Whore: approachable, sexual, nasty.

Of course, most real women are human beings who can't be defined so easily. So men who adhere to this complex usually find themselves facing problems in the real world. Such seems to be the case with your man.

He feels as though he needs to be drunk to have sex with you, since he feels unclean doing "dirty" things with/to you sober. He feels as though he cannot approach you in this way without being altered. That's really unusual.

What's mainly happened, though, is that he isused to having sex a certain way, and doesn't feel as though he can change. During the 12 years he was not in a relationship, he evidently got used to drunken, short-term flings. He's evidently turned on by that kind of thing, and doesn't think he can change. So he doesn't even want to try.

He can change, though. You can, too. Given some time and patience and understanding, you can learn to be together and appreciate each other sexually. Sober. One problem men have, and I've written about this before, I think, is if we have an episode of impotence, or are unable to perform once, we dwell on that occasion, and let the anxiety build up until, DAMN, we're not functioning again. And for some men, the fear of facing that kind of situation again will lead them to not initiate sex at all.

You two need to approach this topic again, and agree to help each other with the issues that you both have. Because you have some issues to address. too. You are insecure about him looking at other women because right now, your sex life together is not good. But let me assure you, even if you two were going at it two or three times every night, he'd still look at other women. That's just how most men operate. We are visually oriented beings. The main problem I see would HOW he looks at other women in your presence, and is he respectful to you. Remind me to write about this at length sometime.

The other thing is, you need to get over your reluctance to initiate sex. I know it makes you feel desirable to be pursued, and all that, but to have you kick things off might be just what he needs. You can see that waiting for him hasn't been very productive. So as I say, talk to each other, make a decision to try to change things between you, without using liquor as a crutch. What have your livers ever done to you to deserve such punishment? And please, keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

You're all by yourself, but you're not alone

2010-05-03T23:19:00.002-04:00

QUESTION: I'll get right to the point. I have been in a commited relationship with a man who has been married twice and according to all his banterings and extreme number of other relationships and encounters.

The latest bomb dropped was the statement that he was sued for patenity about 19 years ago. DNA showed he was most likely not the father but lost in court. (This was the result of a three night roll in the hay) His second wife moved in on thier second date and since she would not leave they got married. The marriage was going south so they had two kids, go figure? He says if he had it to do over the first date would never have happened.

Now I really do not consider myself as the jealous type. I am VERY easy going. But everything we do including travel he always brings up someone else with whom he has been there before or fished with or camped with or dined with. I am NEVER alone with him! He constantly drags them along. I can't imagine how many are and have been in my bed! One story after another.

We have been together for 9 years and living together(in his house not mine) for the last 5. I love him. But, does he have any idea what he is doing to me? Is it malicious? Am I being too sensitive?

I have told him that I do not walk around talking about every person I have ever F**@%ed. Nor do I ever brag about experiences with my ex or past boyfriends. I also told him it makes me feel "disposable".

I am feeling totally disrespected. Is it just that he does not think? It just seems to be a pattern of not thinking anything through including what he says.

I need insight on how to deal with him and my feelings.

HELP!

Thanks

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Hmmm, living together for five years - have you been tired of his crap for the whole time, or have you just grown weary of his foolishness. That's what you have here, a man with a lot of foolishness and drama.

I think most guys that have gone through two wives have some serious issues with themselves. Let me tell you why - I know a lot of guys, some married, some divorced, some never married at all, but the general consensus among all of us is that once is enough for marriage. For guys that have gone down the aisle twice and both times come up with zeroes, they either have poor taste in women or they are poor men in a relationship. I think your guy is poor in relationships.

If he is so dim-witted as to think that he can bring up all of his ex lovers and ex girlfriends and ex booty calls and basically REMIND you that nothing you do is special to just the two of you - then your man is screwed up. I'm just going to put it out there to you. Your guy has some real issues and guess what - he's not going to get any better!!! If he's been married twice and is still so immature and ignorant that he will not look into the mirror to see what is wrong with him - then he is a fool.

You are dating an inconsiderate and thoughtless fool. Prepare for continued heartbreak and disappointment, because you have a lot more headed your way.

Chuck, can you find a silver lining here? I can't. This guy is a bum.

CHUCK: (Answer will follow)

Friends, But Not With, You Know, "Benefits"

2010-05-03T14:36:00.013-04:00

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I love your site and appreciate your dedication to speaking truth to women and providing insight in the minds and behaviors of men! Okay, so here's my situation. I met this guy last summer and we were feeling each other out for a potential romantic relationship. And by "feeling each other out" I mean getting know each other through conversation and doing activities together...the old fashioned way :-) A couple of months into it, his ex-girlfriend came back into the picture and started messing with his head (i.e., "she still loves him but is in love with her current guy too" type of stuff (or so I was told)). She's been dating someone else since a few weeks after their breakup a couple of years ago. Needless to say, her resurfacing brought up some old feelings for him and we backed off. We remain friends, his ex is still in the other relationship, and he says that he has let the situation go and moved on. I provided the background info about his ex in the event that it's useful in helping you figure out what's going on in his mind.

My question concerns his behavior towards me throughout our friendship (pre, during, and post his situation with his ex). He cooks/bakes for me, bought me gifts (just because), flowers and dinner, introduced me to his friends/family (local and long-distance), brings me lunch at work (offering himself), and calls me regularly (I do not have to call him). He calls to see how my day is going and calls me when he goes to work and when he gets off from work. He recently just called to let me know that some of his family members are coming in town to see if I can come over for a cookout with them. He also makes plans for us to do things with his friends and their wives/girlfriends. Did I mention that we ARE NOT dating...and more importantly, we have discussed dating on multiple occasions (most recently around New Year's) and decided not to. During those discussions, I was open to dating simply for the fact that we obviously enjoy each others' company and our behavior in time invested in one another resembles that of a romantic couple. It is also important to note that we have never been sexually active and have only kissed a couple of times (the last of which was around New Year's). He's even shown some jealousy when I've dated other guys and even tried to make me jealous by mentioning that a mutual acquaintance who had expressed interest in him...however, I was not jealous and encouraged him to pursue it if he was interested. Why? Because we are not dating and therefore, we are free to do as we please.

I have platonic guy friends who are in no way shape or form this attentive/generous to me and do not demonstrate jealousy behavior so I don't understand what's motivating his behaviors towards me. You and I both know that a guy doesn't have to do all the things that he does in order to maintain a friendship a woman. Also, since we are not physically intimate I don't feel like I'm being maliciously taken advantage of. While I do appreciate and enjoy his friendship (he's a great guy), I don't understand why a guy would want to spend so much time with a woman, engage in boyfriend-like behavior, but not want to date? Simply, it's like having a gnat hovering around your plate that's never willing to land on it! What's the deal fellas?

Thanks!!

GARLAND: WOW! What a great question! I've got about four answers!

#1 - "Congratulations, you have a boyfriend that's waiting until you get married!"

All of the behavior you just described equals "dating without sex." Flowers, friends, phone calls, cookouts, gifts, lunches, dinners... it's all dating. You are spending quality time together and maybe YOU don't know it - but to the rest of us, you guys are dating. At least that what it seems to be, using the traditional parameters of courtship. Just off the top of my head, he seems to pay you more attention that a lot of the 'official' boyfriend's some of our questioners! Maybe he wants to get married before he brings sex to the table, or you consider my next answer...

#2 - "Congratulations, you've got a buddy to hang out with!"

"Hanging out" is a term that a lot of people use. To me, I've had female friends that I've 'hung out' with before and never formally dated or had sex with. Looking back - maybe dating or sex could have happened with some of these women if either of us had wanted it more - but what we had going on was cool enough for us at the time. Maybe in your guy's eyes - the two of you are "hanging out!' You spend a little more time together than normal platonic friends, and you're very close, but the dating chemistry, the sex and emotional intimacy and monogamous nature of a 'boyfriend / girlfriend' relationship just isn't there. So, maybe in his eyes you are just his 'special friend' his 'homegirl' his 'hanging out buddy," or you could consider my next answer...

#3 - "Congratulations, your good friend is confused as hell!"

Okay, this really isn't worthy of a 'congratulations' but I was on a roll - sorry. Maybe this fella' is just confused. He wants you close so he won't lose you; He doesn't want you too close because the verdict is still out on his feeling for his ex; He wants you close because you are probably great to hang out with; He doesn't want you too close because if the ex comes running with arms wide open he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by pushing you aside for her, or you could consider my next answer...

#4 - "You're his beautiful window dressing."

Maybe, just maybe this guy hasn't gotten over his ex, but he wants everyone, including himself to think that he has. Bear with me for a moment here.... there was an episode of 'Seinfeld' where this fellow kept making casual 'get together' plans with Elaine, but he never made a formal date request with her. She would reluctantly go out with him and then she'd ask, "Are we on a date?" He'd say, "No. Can't two friends have dinner without it being a date?" She'd accept it. Then on about the third 'un-date', he invited his parents to dinner with them and they were so impressed to meet 'his girlfriend.' The guy didn't tell them otherwise. This may be where you are. Maybe he needs you to give his life the appearance of normalcy. To him, he has a woman to show affection to, he has a woman to take out and spend time with, he has a woman that makes him feel like a normal guy and not some guy that can't get past a woman that has left him and moved on. To the family and friends around him, you are Johnny's new girlfriend; to them, Johnny has moved on so well; to them, Johnny is doing real good with his cute new girlfriend! So, there's a chance that you are an emotional crutch to him. That sounds pretty bad, but it might not be. He probably does care about you.

My gut tells me that he cares about you. While his actions seem thoughtful and warm, he just won't commit to dating on the terms you use to define that. If you are having a hard time with his halfway behavior or you are feeling that he's getting a certain level of emotional fulfillment greater than what YOU are getting out of your relationship, then I suggest YOU be the grown-up and back up off the situation. You control what he wants the most - YOUR TIME. Just start backing away and being less available to him and move on, either he'll accept that you are a ship that has sailed on and he'll do the same, or he'll realize that he's been foolish and step up to you with terms and conditions that only you'll accept.

Best wishes and best of luck to whatever decision you make!

CHUCK: You know, if you didn't already say that this man had an ex-girlfriend, I'd wonder if he wasn't gay and using you as a beard. But just from what you've said, it seems as though your relationship is a little more sincere than that.

What is this relationship? I've gotta say, damned if I know. Years ago, I was in a similar friendship relationship with a young lady. We hung out for a little while, and I hoped, that by being a friend to her, she'd eventually see that I wanted something different. Anyway, that didn't work out. She just wanted a friend, albeit a friend to go out on dates with, to be at her disposal, to call at 1 am NOT to have sex, etc. No, no, it's all right. I'm not bitter. Not at all.

Seriously, though, you are correct in your understanding that this friendship is NOT conventional. You are getting consideration from this man that women in long-term romantic and/or sexual relationships are not getting. Please scroll down the page. There are at least a half dozen women down there that would be envious of you, for the fact that he calls you regularly, alone. So make no mistake, you've got it good.

How good, however, is dependent on what you are looking for. Judging from your question, it doesn't seem as though you are pining away for this man, or are desperate to start a relationship with him. You seem more curious than anything else. But I'm curious, as well. Would you like to be in a relationship with this great, attentive guy?

I don't know how well you got to know his ex, or whether you did at all, but I'm tempted to suggest that you feel her out on him. If just to find out how he was in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Because it could be that she chewed him, spit him out, and turned him into the gunshy basket case he is today. Or if she didn't do it, she might know who did.

That's what I believe has got him in the state he's in today. He may want to be involved with you, but it seems like he can't make that move. And because you're not placing any demands on him, one way or another, you are comfortable to be around. But as I have said before, men can live in a state of limbo for years, until they're forced out of it. But women need to feel that sesnse of progression. At some point, you're probably going to want that. And then you'll have to decide if you can get it with him.

Lets get deep for a minute...

2010-04-22T21:09:00.002-04:00

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland - Just doing some thinking for the new year about where my life is heading. The background: I got married to my college sweetheart in 2000 when I was 31. Although he was a love of my life and I learned so much from him, I left after only a year of marriage for the main reason that he was a regular pot smoker, and I didn't want to have kids with someone who depended on drugs. He was highly functioning, had his own business and was smart as hell. But... I felt the pot was keeping us from having the marital relationship I believed we could be having. Addiction kept him from growing emotionally. I had believed his promises to quit throughout our many years of dating, and it took me a year of marriage to realize they were empty, and I would have to move on.

Fast forward ten years. I have had a wonderful life full of good things. I've traveled the world, enjoy my job and friends and took time out to work on me through therapy. But I had just assumed that once I got out of an unworkable romantic situation and worked on myself that I would find someone who wanted to put the effort in ie; a guy who gets it. I've had some love connections but mostly from guys who are too young as I look ten years younger than my age. Oh, and ironically, my wasband just got married two years ago, and judging from Facebook photos, appears to have the life I left him for.

I'm not particularly unhappy about my situation nor am I desperate to change it, but sometimes I wonder why am I not getting what my friends seem to have. I don't really have a question per se. I just want your input or impressions about how life is "supposed to go" as opposed to how life really ends up.

GARLAND: Hi there. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, I feel you. Life tends to work itself out at the speed, time and manner that IT chooses.

I think we all see what we want out of life and if we're lucky we get SOME of it. I think that happens for two main reasons :

(1) random events happen every single second of every day and these events have a ripple effect that impact the world, the country, the state, the city and the neighborhood we live in, the areas where we work and play, the people we know, the people we are yet to know and subsequently - US. So, nothing on a philosophical or a 'higher' plain is fixed in place, variables are everywhere.

and...

(2) Everyday we become just a little bit different - we learn a little bit more, forget a little bit more; we appreciate a few more things and appreciate a few less things; we love a few more things and we hate a few more things. Our priorities, desires, abilities and perspectives are always changing.

At one point in our lives we might money, or we might want a house in a good neighborhood, or we want that sexy guy or girl that works out at the gym we go to. Then again we might want a kid instead of the house. Or, we might want a solid 401K as opposed to that weekend in Puerto Rico. Maybe we'd just be happy dropping 30 pounds as opposed to having $3000 in new jewelery. I think everything ebbs and flows.

What I'm about to say is easy for me to say because you and I are strangers, but I say it sincerely and I hope you take it to heart in a positive way. You say that your wasband seems to be doing pretty good... Don't dwell on that too much. While the world and events are random, I still think that on a deeper level - everything happens for a reason. You might assume that your wasband could have turned himself around and been a decent guy for you, you'll probably never know. But, before you stress over this... and I'm not saying you are... keep in mind that he probably had to take his life in a different direction to end up where he is, and sometimes we have to take these roads alone. Either he's improved himself and or he's improved a way to hide his shortcomings. I hope you look at him as just - One Stop, on a long bus ride.

And lastly - don't sleep on those young fellas. If you are 40ish and you come across a guy that has his act together, his head is on straight, his game tight and he's livin' right - why not see what he's about? You didn't say you were looking for a man, but since we're all sharing here... I might as well point that out to you.

Best wishes, and enjoy the ride-

CHUCK: You want our Philosophies of Life, is that it? Boy, I love the easy questions!

I don't think that there's any set way that life should go. Things happen when and how they do, mostly due to situations that we don't control. But it's how we respond to those situations that dictates how our lives end up going.

And then there are the things that we want out of life. These things are gonna change, based on where you are in your life. When I was single, I wanted a better car, a smart, stable girlfriend, and more money. Now I want more time with my kids, more (and better) time alone with my wife, more rest, and... more money. Back when you were married, you wanted a stable married relationship. Your husband wanted more weed.

No way that could have worked out.

I wonder a lot about the inequities of life. How can good people live unhappy, unfulfilled lives while others can do wrong, abuse everything and everyone, and still reap life's rewards? I call that the Dick Cheney Conundrum. Do bad things happen to good people? All the time. Nothing is going to change that.

My personal philosophy is to live my life with as little mailce as I can have towards others, and trying to respect other people as I want to be respected. And I guess that's worked out pretty well for me. If things aren't quite going the way you want them to right now, hang in there, because you never know when things are going to change for the better.

Now, enough with this philosophisizing. Give me someone to scold, or find me someone to make fun of!

Run, Don't Walk!

2010-04-20T22:40:00.000-04:00

QUESTON: Hey guys...

I haven't had sex with my husband in ten years! I met a guy and we became "friends with benefits". Then he suddenly says he's falling in love with me. Tells me not to fall for him he's a mess. The deal was since I'm married do what you want I just don't want to know about it. Since he started seeing me he hasn't slept with anyone else. (Or so he and his buddies swear to). One minute he wants to see me, gives me the "look". His friends tell me he's in love with me. He's never said it to me. We have the best time, great sex and I love his kids and they love me. We were friends for nine months before we did anything. He pulls me in and pushes me away. Tells me not to love him. He hates women we are users and take everything. Then he says except me. WTF???? What is going on? What do I do. Yes I am in the process of getting a divorce. He says he doesn't get jealous but if I mention a guy he starts talking about past conquests or says he's having some chick over later. I'm the only woman he lets stay the night even when he has his kids there. This I have scene since we were friends first. I'm 10 years older than he is but he's lived as hard and fast as I have. He got married at 19 and is 34. I say he needs to run and just let us "happen". Stop over thinking it and lets have fun am I wrong? Is he just not into me? Not ready for anything, lying to me to himself? WHAT DO I DO! Keep contact or hit the ground running?

Give it to me straight like I know you will!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

You want it straight, huh? Okay, that's how we'll do it.

You have some top shelf foolishness going on here. You are married and in a 10 year sex-less loop, but you can cheat as long as you don't do it under his nose. Fortunately you say that you're getting a divorce, so you've saved me about two minutes of typing - thanks!

This foolish BS he's selling you about all women being hated, theiving, creatures... except for you is some childish nonsense. When he first came out of his mouth with that crap, you should have realized that you were selling yourself waaaaay short. You really should have rolled out and left his juvenile butt standing in your dust, but since you've sent us this question, I assume you don't see the error in your judgement.

Then there is the whole - "I'm lovin' you, Boo - But, don't catch feelings for me, I'm not good enough for that, I'm not ready for that..." Again, you are lowering your value by continuing to think of this guy as anything more than a sexual outlet.

I'm certainly not one to endorse cheating on your spouse, but if you all haven't slept together in 10 years and you two haven't taken the steps to fix that problem, then I have to say that you are only human. At some point you have to do what you have to do, as long as you don't get it twisted. Sadly, you HAVE gotten it twisted. You've gotten good sex confused with loving emotion. What should have been one thing has flipped into another, at least in your mind. I just don't think the reality is anything close to what you are hoping it is. Sorry, I think you're investing in a worthless stock with this guy.

And one last thing - the whole, "his buddies swear he's in love with me..." For him to be a man over 34 years old, and bringing his lover around his kids, and giggling about you to his boys - it just sounds weird. It just doesn't sound sincere. It sounds childish, like he's a teenager in a man's body. I say this because GROWN MEN don't talk to their buddies about the sex they are having with THE WOMEN THEY CARE ABOUT. They respect them too much. Men will, however, talk about the sex they have with women they don't think too much of. If he is letting his Boyz in on the nookie-nook that's going down between the two of you, he doesn't really care about you. Don't let all the gushing they are doing fool you, chances are, sadly, you are a Booty Call to your Lover Boy. That's what men are thinking.

CHUCK: If I was a less than tactful person, I might suggest that the ten-year sexual dry spell has addled your brain and effected your judgment. But I'm not tactless, so I won't suggest that. There.

This man, as Garland has stated, is, despite his age and circumstances, childish, and not someone to even consider a relationship with until he does some growing up. I don't think that you displayed the best judgment hooking up with this guy while you were still married, even given the state of your marriage. And when I read your account of this jackass' behavior, that just confirms my reservations.

There was a song in the 70's called, "Baby, Don't Get Hooked On Me." This singer (a man) was warning a woman off of him because "I'll just use you, then I'll set you free." That's the same kind of insincere narcissism you're dealing with here. And it's not even the 70's anymore. And he hates women, but he's okay with you.That's really some backward idea of flattery, if you ask me. How's if feel to be "one of the good ones?"

You're supposed to relax and just let your relationship "happen." Well, I think you know deep down what's going to happen. What's fun for him now will eventually get old, and he'll break up with you. So my advice is, take his advice. As you start your new life keep it moving and leave him behind.

Is you is, or is you ain't my baby?

2010-04-12T22:40:00.007-04:00

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I need your advise because I am not sure what I should do. So were do I start huh! I have a friend that I have known since high school, we were very close. See the problem is that we have always have something for each other but I was with someone else and ended up pregnant during high school. He always hated how the guy treated me and he was even there for me while I was pregnant, came to hospital when my son was born. After high school we lost contact and I ended up marrying the guy I had my son with and we went on to have another child. We were married for 5 years before we got divorced. After my divorce I decided to look my friend up and give him a call because I always thought about him for all those years. We started talking again and kept in touch. After talking for awhile we planned a trip to Vegas together since I had never been. We both at this point didn't know if we were going as just friends or if it was something more. Well we had a great time in Vegas and ended up sleeping with each other and telling each other that we had always had a thing for one another. Now the thing is he lived in another state than me so a few weeks after Vegas he came to visit me and it was great. After that visit though he didn't really call but I would get an occasional text. So I took the not calling me that he didn't want to be with me. I started dating someone else and a month or so later I got a text from him saying he missed me...I was confused. I told him that I was dating someone else since I hadn't heard from him. So at that point we no longer talked.

Now lets jump forward to a year later. I was no longer dating and we started talking again here and there, not a whole lot though, mostly text messages. We occasionally see each other when either of us is in town but nothing happens. He is very touchy feely with me but it never goes farther than that. I have told him how I feel about him and that I want a relationship but I don't get anything back from him. I told him this in an email since we never seem to actually talk on the phone, just text. He just replied that we need to talk but we never did.

Now I just went to Vail this weekend and we met up and I stayed at his place but nothing happened. I am so confused though because we went out and if any other guy talks to me he gets very jealous. One guy even hit on me this weekend and he almost got in a fight with the guy. Why does he do this if we are not in a relationship? I don't know if I should talk to him about it but I feel since I sent that email he knows how I feel. But why is he jealous if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. It is just so hard to be around him because I really care about him. I am not sure if I should just end our friendship because it is so hard for me. See usually if I don't text him I wont hear from him but then on the other hand he is very flirty with me at times. Please give me some advise as I am so confused and not sure what to do.

Thanks,

GARLAND: Thanks for sending us your question. My answer - Cut your losses and move on.

Now, I know every story has two sides, but based on what you've said here - I think this guy is torn between the image of dating you; the reality of dating you; and the possibility of not dating you at all. What you're saying sounds like a guy that isn't sure what he wants.

I'm going to be real with you. I think that guys, for the most part, know what they do and don't want from a woman. If a guy is really feeling you, he's going to let you know - pure and simple. If he's on the fence or doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he'll drag things out - he'll keep you... as Chuck likes to say... dangling on the hook. This guy, with his ocassional texts and odd jealous behavior sounds like he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want to see anybody else with you. He sounds confused.

I think you should just stop responding to his texts. Sadly, you make yourself look bad by being so accepting [and happy] to get the bits and pieces of his attention by responding back and being so willing to accept whatever little petty crumbs of time he offers. If he was really about getting with you - you wouldn't have the time or inclination to send us your question.

Best wishes -

CHUCK: Ditto from me here. This guy doesn't want to be your lover, boyfriend, or anything e;se. He does not want to expend that much effort. What he does want is to keep up some sort of arms-length relationship, where he can keep seeing you, being around you, even getting jealous if you are talking to another man. Where does he get the nerve, anyway?

This man may be living in some idealized world of his own, where you do have a relationship. We do tend to romanticize our high school crushes, after all. But without anything further being done to nurture it, your relationship has even run out of fumes. It's sitting on the shoulder of the road with a red rag tied on the door handle.

And the texts. I should just write a separate post to address this whole relationship-by-text phenomenon. I don't hate technology, people, really, but the over-reliance on these technological crutches is making me nuts. Let me just say: If you need to be reminded what your boyfriend's voice sounds like, your relationship leaves a lot to be desired.

I think we can all agree that there is nothing going on here, right? Why not let the guy in on it? Talk to him, or just stop returning his texts. He should get the message. You two missed out on your time a few years ago. And wishful thinking alone won't get it back. It's going to take some effort, and someone needs to be willing to make it. Good luck.

The One That (Thank God) Got Away

2010-03-25T22:24:00.003-04:00

QUESTION: Hey guys,

I adore your site and what you are doing for many women out there right now-it is wonderful!
I am hoping that you can give me your insight about an issue I am going through. About a year ago, one of my best friends introduced me to her cousin at a family party. We knew each other by face, because we had gone to the same highschool and he was a couple of years older than me. Anyway at the party we hit it off, and exchanged numbers. After that we spoke practically everyday. He would call on his breaks from work, and we even went out on a couple of dates. At this time he had just graduated from university and decided to take a post-graduation trip with the boys to Cancun. Up until the night before his trip he called, wishing me a goodnight and basically letting me know he would call when he returned. I had grown pretty strong feelings for the dude-call it sprung if you must lol. So throughout that week I could not wait until he returned. This is where things turned awry, I remember it as though it happened yesterday--he returned the thursday, and i did not hear anything from him. I did not take it as anything personal, instead I thought 'Okay, he just got home. He'll call when he unpacks' Meanwhile I always heard my male cousins say if they were coming home from a trip and genuinely missed a woman she would be the first person he would be calling when that plane touched down. Anyway, a few days passed and still nothing. By the end of the next week I finally texted him asking if he was alright, due to his cousin mentioned a family incident. He said he was fine, and we made small talk for a bit. After that I heard nothing from him. Absolutely nothing. His cousin, who I am fairly close with filled me in that he has not stopped seeing his ex, and was staying at her place that was close to where he worked. She even gave me insight to what he has done to a previous girl who thought they were in a relationship after he had taken her virginity. He ignored her, and finally when she attended the same event as him and he gave her a bunch of excuses she noticed a few 'love bites' on his neck.

Back to the story, about 5 months later he randomly calls me explaining himself after I had finally gotten over the hurt of being abruptly ditched. He said he was having a hard time and the whole 9 yards..blah blah blah. By this time I didn't care as much seeing that I had moved on myself. Realizing he was seeking some sort of forgiveness I told him I had nothing against him and it's in the past. He then suggested coffee, but I did not get back to him. That was 2009. This year after getting back from vacation, I activated my black berry messenger. I spoke to his cousin and she mentioned he had been asking about me as I did not show up to a party he presumed I was going to. I told her nonchalantly he could add me on bbm, not thinking much of it. Not even 10 minutes later he calls, appearing to be a 'changed' man. I almost felt embarrassed for him, the amount of times he would message me asking if he could call and how he wished me luck on every assignment i mentioned i was working on. It sounds nice, but the thing is...I don't trust him. He hurt me, and at this point in my life I find him to be an nuisance. I look back wondering what i was thinking, while it seems he is looking back and realizing what a mistake he made. He was always so conceited just because he now had degree behind his name. It was 'my philosophy' this 'theoretically speaking' that. Could it be he thinks he is that smart, he can pull one over on me?

I don't know why, but I almost feel bad because he continues to ask me out, wanting to go on a date a just spend time together and I just can't trust myself with him. A part of me enjoys that he now knows how it feels to be uncertain, but I can't help to wonder whether he has genuinely had a wake up call? or is he just lonely (he has mentioned something along those lines) and wants to attempt to pass the time with me. What are your perspectives on this guy? and how can I tell him that the furthest we will ever be is friends without being hurtful. I have a really hard time telling men I am not interested but every time my phone lights up with his name there is no longer that feeling I had last year, instead it is one of "Why the f*ck won't he just dissapear again!"
...Why on earth does it take a women giving up, for a man to regain and interest?

Sorry if i appeared to be venting lol and I sincerely thank you in advance for your time and input.

CHUCK: Can I just say: Good for you!

This guy doesn't necessarily mean you any harm. But that doesn't mean he's got anything good planned for you, either. There's plenty guys out there, looking to keep a young lady on the string by doing as little as possible in terms of going out, calling, etc. But let them take their eye off the ball for a while, and their lack of concern becomes apparent. That's what happened when he got back from Cancun. He couldn't be bothered to even keep an appearance up.

But it's good for you, because not only did you not date him, not only did you not give him some, by the time he remembered he should get in contact with you, you had moved on! If there's some potion you're drinking that we could pass on to some of the other women who send us questions here, please let me and Garland know.

Based on the facts provided here, I think it's pretty obvious that homeboy is smellin' himself a lot, basically thinking that you could wait around for him to get himself together. Has he changed now? I wouldn't rule it out completely. But I wouldn't bet a paycheck on it, either.

In fact, if you've grown tired of being pursued by a man that you can't trust, and aren't really feeling anymore, there's a guaranteed way to get rid of him: Act like you're interested in him again, and watch him disappear.

GARLAND: Nice answer Chuck. "Act like you're interested..." that is hilarious! But questionner - DON'T REALLY DO IT! We don't want to run the risk of you giving in and getting burned by this dude!

There's a chance that Ol'Boy has really seen the light, but based on what you've said - I'm not really feelin' that. Okay - sure, he dogged the young lady that your friend knew about but that doesn't make him a serial dogger per se, but after five months to be blowing up your bbm like that - it just doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy. And, if your friend knew that her cousin had done some shady stuff before, why didn't she bring this to your attention when she first brought him up to you? Not a big issue - but I did want to point that out.

I'm not sure what he's up to, but you'd probably be better served given him a wide berth. Even if he does want to try something serious with you, he sounds wishy-washy to me. You'd end up sleeping with him and catching feelings and then in a month or so, he'll be crying about how confused he is and he's been texting his ex lately and she was his first love and then he'll say he doesn't want to hurt you, and basically you'll be yesterdays news.

You want him gone - I'd say you do one of two things: A. straight up tell him him. Don't act high and mighty or smug - yes, you have the upper hand, but gloating brings bad karma. Just let him know that you want to keep things to a minimum between you two. But don't say, "lets just be friends," I don't think trying to stay 'friends' with someone you had feelings for is ever a good thing AND it's a mockery of your true friends. B. You can just ig him. Just plain old ignore him. When he calls or texts you, just don't reply. Maybe he'll get the message. If he doesn't and corners you at a party and asks you whats up, you can tell him you were busy OR you can go back to A.

I like A the best, myself.

Just don't spend too much time stressing over this chap. He may be harmless, but if you don't want him in your life, get him out of your mind first and everything else will fall in place.

Good luck.

He Has a Right to Remain Silent. Or Does He?

2010-03-19T22:31:00.003-04:00

QUESTION: I met a 46 year old guy online. I’m 39. He’s a detective for law enforcement. He was definitely pursuing me in the beginning and would text me at some point practically everyday. We eventually went out on a first date which went well and I got a hug at the end of the date. I was certain he found me attractive and just wanted to be a gentleman. We would continue texting, I would initiate these communications half of the time. We also talked on the phone a couple of times per week. His texts began to get more suggestive and flirtatious which I certainly welcomed. I wasn’t seeing him as long term relationship material but thought he would be a lot of fun short term and I was definitely attracted to him. 2 weeks later we went on our second date….dinner and a movie. Great conversation through dinner and mutual attraction vibes for sure. During the movie, we had some fun hand holding. By the time he dropped me off at my car, it was raining and he started to kiss me. I really didn’t want it to end so I suggested we continue in the car. We had a great time kissing for about half an hour along with some more activity….but clothes were all still on. He seemed to be enjoying himself and we talked a bit too.

I’m a classy, professional, attractive lady and don’t know what to make of his lack of response to my text later that night. He texted to make sure I got home which I responded to. I also mentioned that I had a great time but he did not respond back. He sent me one text the next morning after I commented that I went for a run but still no comment on the night before. I did not text him any further until the following day when I asked him how his day off from work was going. He then responded that he had major drama going on at work and couldn’t talk about it right now. I texted him back telling him that I hope things get better and he responded that he hoped so too. Two days later and I still haven’t heard from him which is so strange. Could he just be blowing me off and if so, what did I do wrong? He gave me very suggestive texts and then when I asserted myself beyond a kiss on the 2nd date, did I come off wrong? He has not been one to compliment me beyond my pretty nails. Not that I’m arrogant but I know that I’m beautiful and I’m just as offended that he didn’t compliment me on how I looked. I complimented his nice shirt. I think some of this may have to do with the fact that he’s in law enforcement and a little intense at times but still, I just don’t get it.

Suggestions ? Should I have just let him take the lead and just have a good night kiss and let it end there ? Maybe he got turned off because I didn’t remain a perfect lady but we certainly had not talked any serious talk about relationship stuff.

CHUCK: Law enforcement, huh? Let me tell you a little something about the culture of law enforcement, of which I'm quite familiar: Along with the military, the biggest dogs you will find anywhere are in law enforcement.

I served on a grand jury in my home town, quite a few tears ago. Most of the nearly 300 cases we heard in the two-month term were drug cases, so we got to see plenty of the vice cops, and saw how they lived. These guys, nearly all of the married, were on the streets all evening and night running down street dealers, then they'd get a couple of hours of sleep in their van, and show up to court to present their cases. Some of these guys spent a lot of their time macking on female jurors. No shame. I could tell you some stories about feds, too, but I'll refrain.

Do I think that this guy might be married? Let's see... If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it just might be a duck. Online intro? Check. Frequent lapses in communication? Check. His attraction runs hot and cold? Check and... double check. Law enforcement officer? The jury's in, your honor. Twelve votes to convict.

There may be other reasons for his behavior. I'm just saying that this is the best. But don't just take it from me. Ask him, the next time he decides to contact you. Just ask him: Are you married? See what he says. You'll either get to hear the truth, of some good tap-dancing. You nhave said that you were just looking for a short-term thing. Shame this guy wasn't even good for that. I say, keep it moving.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. As I was reading this I was saying to myself, "Yup, this dude is married." I think he is, but since Chuck covered that so well I'm going to a vamp a bit.

Don't feel like you did anything wrong. Aside from checkin'out a guy that is probably a player, you didn't do anything wrong.

When a man seems to primarily contact you through a small 3 inch by 2 inch plastic screen, you have a great impression of the scope of your true value to him. If this guy was serious about getting to know you and getting close to you, it wouldn't have taken 2 weeks for a second date. When a man is truly interested in a woman he makes it clear and typically she can tell. She can feel it.

Let's be honest here for a second, did getting a few beeps and a couple of lines on your phone REALLY make you feel special? If it did, then the future of male/female relationships is doomed. If it didn't, then you sort of knew that this guy wasn't truly worth your time. He wasn't.

A lot of people, guys in this instance, use texting as a way of keeping ladies dangling on the line. Texting is probably the most impersonal way that a person can show any attention to another person. Texting can be done anywhere, at a stop light, in a bathroom, in bed, while someone is in the kitchen and the texter has a moment alone... the list goes on. My point is, a phone call cannot be hidden as easy as a text, phone calls can be overheard, so when I see people that would rather pop off the random texts, as opposed to calling, or showing up for lunch, or picking you up from work for drinks, or cooking you dinner on their day off, or offering to go jogging with you - I'm convinced that this person may have something to hide.

And lastly, his failing to compliment you could be one of several things: (1) He's just not a complent kinda' guy. (2) He may... notice I said MAY... be going out with you and two or three other women and didn't want to shoot himself in the food by getting you and your date mixed up with someone else. How awful would it be for him to say, "I really loved watching Green Zone with you the other night." and actually you saw 'Our Family Wedding.' - talk about awkward.

If you are still feeling this guy though, push a little closer. You should try to find out his living situation, that's where the truth lies. Does he live with his girlfriend, or his WIFE? Speaking of wife - come straight out and ask him if he's married - REMEMBER, "Seperated" is still married! If he says no, ask him if he's sure, because some sneaks will say something like, "Well, we live seperate lives and we don't call ourselves husband and wife, so TO ME, I'M NOT MARRIED." Please don't buy into that BS.

If he claims to be single, try to get a little closer, try calling him during the dating time 7PM to 9PM - if he says that he turns his phone off around that time because he's on the job, he may be telling the truth, but it does sound VERY convienient. Then try to get to his home, see how he feels about you picking HIM up for a date or for a jog or for breakfast - don't let him tell you to pick him up at the station, or at his boy's house. Then when you get there, try to walk up to the door, don't pick him up at the corner or in the front yard - try to go in, say you have to go to the bathroom - if he says you can't, his place is a mess, his toilet doen't work, etc. Make that your last date with him. He doesn't want you to see The Wife.

I have to admit that some of this sounds stalkerish, it does I guess. But my main point is - don't allow yourself to just dangle on his hook taking a minute or two of his attention here or there with the text trails. If you are feeling him, be a little proactive and see where he's coming from.

Good luck!!!!!

When you $%@# where you eat...

2010-03-12T21:32:00.011-05:00

QUESTION: Hello guys,
I found your blog and felt like it is the best place to ask my question.

My husband and I work at the same place. Before I joined the company he worked in the department that I am working in now. Just before I got the job he resigned from his position and joined a different section of the company.

So about 6 months ago my husband and I separated to be divorced, it is mutual and we straight away started telling family & friends but not people at work as we decided to take it slow and get used to the idea of us being apart, etc. We still live together (separate rooms) due to financial reasons. We have two children 3 & 11

Then I noticed this guy at work, he was always polite saying Hi and calling me by name even though we never spoke, eye contact but no conversations, he is really quiet and kind of a loner. He got my attention and I started to like him. We would say hi to each other and I was drawn to him, wanted to talk, etc.

So I felt that we should start telling everyone at work about our separation as I was sick and tired of the situation where everyone assumed we were happilly married but in fact our marriage was over. So I spoke to my soon to be ex-husband and we decided that there was no need to keep it a secret and slowly started telling people at work.

At the same time I was falling for this guy really badly. But since we work in a really big place and very often we have different breaks and there are always other people around all of whom know my husband it was almost impossible to have "one on one"conversation. Once we flirted and it was obvious there was chemistry there. After that we still looked at each other but there was a little tension on his part but I felt he liked me he was just more aware of the attration, but I could be wrong of course. He knew then that I was married.

Once we happened to be sitting close together with no other people around and I started casual conversation with him, he responded well and then I said that he probably knows my ex-husband he said yes he knew him and then is eyes got wide and he asked me three times whether he heard me correctly about the "EX" part, then he said he did not know that we were no longer together and pointed out that I still used my married name, I said I was not
going to change it as my maiden name was really long. We talked more about other things and had more smiles and eye contact after that. Of course I started that conversation to let him know I was separated and available. I think I did a good job as it came out naturally.

It was more than a month ago and since then we had somewhat conflicting schedules and saw each other only in passing and when I did see him I did not get the usual vibe from him, or maybe I was just waiting for him to ask me out and now I am feeling disappointed overanalyzing the situation. I have no idea I just cannot get him out of my head. It seems he kind of shut down and if we have breaks together he sits in his corner rather than in the area
where we could interact, I just took it at the face value because it seems he is avoiding me, but at the same time I can see he still looks and responds if we happen to talk. We are attracted to each other, I know it and I feel it.

So I noticed that on breaks when there are other people around he is not seeking any attention from me. He just sits there or reads a book, but he knowa where I am because I know he keeps an eye on me. But when we at work he openly stares at me and smiles and tries to communicate.

Then it hit me, the reality of the situation:

We work together, I have baggage (soon to be divorced and 2 kids), AND my EX is in the same workplace

He is a good looking, single guy... he likes surfing, etc WHY on earth would he want to go out of his way to pursue me? He personally knows my ex and he probably regards him well as many other co-workers do, I have kids, the break up is recent.

He might find me REALLY attractive and have a naughty fantasy here and there BUT he would never ever consider making the move, ESPECIALLY if he does like me; we will end up in bed and then what??? Will he want us to come out as a couple & get the remarks from his mates at work? Does he want to know and consider my children and have my EX in the picture as there will be kids drop-offs and pick-ups and then run into my EX on his breaks at work where the three of us could be sitting at the same time???

Guys am right?

Is it possible for a man to have strong feelings towards a woman but NEVER do anything about it because of her baggage?

I think I should push for divorce ASAP and take my maiden name so it is obvious that I am single.

Please give some perspective on my situation. I REALLY like him

Hopeful

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I started to ask you to scale it down some and send it back to us since we don't edit - sometimes people have a general question and in the effort to give supporting information, they start to vent and the real question is lost. But, I decided to go ahead and answer since your question was pretty clear at the end.

In my honest opinion, this new guy isn't worried in the least bit about your kids or your quasi-divorced status, per se. Your baggage is probably irrelevant. What is stopping this guy is this: He sees what you are doing to your soon-to-be-ex-husband and he knows that you are more than capable of doing the same thing to him.

It's probably no secret at the job that you came to your husband's workplace, in the very same section! I don't blame him for giving up his job and going to another section - THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER.

But like I said, if you will come to your husbands job and start flirting and hitting on men that have known and respected him for years, you make yourself look very bad and you disrespect him. BOTTOM LINE. I'm sure there are plenty of other men in your town or city, but you come to the place where Your Children's Father earned the living that helped pay for your lifestyle and you start chasing after men right under his nose and right in his face. You make yourself look cold hearted and thoughtless.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. This blog is about honesty.

As I read your question, you seem to throw around your 'separation' as if it really means something. You ARE NOT available. YOU ARE NOT DIVORCED. So, not only does this guy not want to look bad to all of the men and women at the job that respect and care about your HUSBAND, he doesn't want to be an adulterer. Dealing with you, is dealing with a MARRIED woman.

Even if you did get divorced, this guy would probably still steer clear of you because if the two of you broke up - his co-workers won't like him because of what he did to your HUSBAND, and since you don't mind fooling around in your ex's face, he knows that the next guy you'll be hugged up on in the corner at lunch time will probably be someone he's known for years - then he looks stupid on top of everything else. The risk isn't worth the reward.

Sadly, you are in a bad place trying to find love or sex or whatever in the establishment that your husband has fostered friendship and respect in for years. My advice is to look elsewhere. You are not painting yourself in a good light.

Good luck...

CHUCK: Hopeful, I'm not going to chastise you too much for how or why you have become attracted to this man. We can't help who we're attracted to. And we/re around our co-workers so much throughout the days and weeks, attractions are bound to come up. So you're not a bad person for being attracted to this man. But you will probably need to understand why he is not, or is choosing not to be, attracted to you.

It sounds really altruistic to think that he may be holding himself back from pursuing you because he is considering the feelings of your soon-to-be-ex-husband and your children. It might even be true. But most likely, his primary reasons are self-based.

He does not want to offend your husband, sure, but most likely, he doesn't want to be dodging haymakers from the angry hubby in the breakroom, either. You say that this man is a kind of quiet loner. As such, he may not want to be the subject of hot gossip as part of an office love triangle. Things like that could have a negative effect on his personal and his professional life.

It goes without saying that you should be concerned about these things, as well. I, for one, would not care to walk in a room full of people who were talking before, only to be faced with awkward silence. This man may have taken the time to do an assessment on the pros and cons of getting to know you better, and decided that it was best to keep his distance. There's nothing wrong with that.

What I think you need to do is start to move on with the next phase in your life. Get that divorce finalized. Get a separate residence, not just a separate room, from your ex-husband. Focus on yourself and your kids, and not necessarily on who you're going to be dating next. And definitely, look outside of that office when you're ready to start dating again. There's some nice guys out there, too.

The Fork in the Road...

2010-03-01T22:08:00.007-05:00

QUESTION: Hi,

I found your blog while watching the film “Something New”

Well let me get into it. I am a confused 23 year old, bi, lesbian, straight, I don’t really know. I have been with a female for 5 years and we recently broke up. I have been a lesbian for almost 8 years. I am currently looking to be with males again but I have these dilemmas that raise their ugly faces when I think of males:

1. Being in the life (Lesbian) I have found that there are more gay men in the world than they are straight and to me 98% are on the down-low.

2. Will I be their sex-buddy, lover, or etc., nothing to them but sex.

3. Married, Married, Married, Kids, Kids, Kids.

4. Want you to play the role of Ms. House Wife.

5. I am very, very, very fertile. I don’t want children “right now (?)”

6. They do no please me in bed. I get bored easily when it comes to being with males: sexually.

I have never been in a serious relationship with a male before and I want “Something New”, one thing that I have learn while being in the life is to be open, to be open to life itself, try new things with new people no matter what color they are.

GARLAND: Thanks for your E-Mail! I'm not sure if I'm missing your question but I'm going to assume you hit 'send' before you finished.

Let me start at the part with 98% of the men being gay. WOW! Uh, that's an interesting perspective. I'm sure you're being light-hearted with your estimate, but with some of the brothers I see in my travels, I've started to feel that a lot of guys are just hanging up any efforts on being heterosexual. Okay, okay - let me give you my thoughts on your situation.

I think you should really focus on who you are and what you really want - you sexuality aside. Now, we're ALL sexual beings, I'm not trying to act brand-new like sexual feeling are things that can be cut off and on - but you're 23 and you've just come out of a five year relationship. You've been with women for over a third of your life and now you're at the crossroads. Now, when it comes to your overall happiness, I think once you really stare in the mirror for awhile and think about what you want over the next five or ten years - any sexual dilemma will work itself out.

What I mean is this: If you are looking for a solid companion, then lay out the specific criteria that define this companion; If what will make you happy is a mind-blowing lover, figure out what will 'get you there'; If you want a friend to travel or try new things with, then lay out the criteria for that and see who fills that void. But don't write a big sexual [preference] label across yourself and play by the rules you think that label carries.

Because I didn't have a clear question here, I had to wing it. I hope I made sense.

Best wishes---

CHUCK'S ANSWER may follow in a few days.

Just Peepin'

2010-02-07T07:34:00.005-05:00

QUESTION: I have been a lurker of this forum for quite some time - I have been reluctant to post my thoughts and questions, but feel comfortable here and I am ready for honest answers.
I am a married for almost 11 years to a man 18 years older than me. We have 2 children together and other than this one nagging issue we have a wonderful life together. (yes, i know i am truly blessed if this is our only nagging issue, but it does affect me greatly)

My issue is this: I have these unhealthy thoughts/views about my husband and looking at "other women." He is aware of my thoughts and feelings and he does have open conversations with me about the subject. I have no reason to distrust him - I just feel like he is holding his thoughts back from me and it drives me crazy. I think I listen to and see reactions/thoughts/comments from other men and I think how can my husband not think these things; but when i ask him what he thinks about when he looks at a woman, he says nothing. i just notice and that's it - there are no thoughts, etc. i just have a hard time wrapping my head around that answer. he is not one to let his eyes linger, at least when i am around.

i consider myself an attractive woman with a great body, so my self esteem is not low and i can appreciate a beautiful woman - i just wish he would open himself up to me -- maybe he truly is??

Men, can my husband really just have these simple thoughts about women?? Can he really be too good to be true??

i truly appreciate any insight you all have for me and this situation.
enjoy your day :)

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I want to apologize for the delay in answering and I hope you [the writer] eventually check back in to read our humble thoughts.

I'm going to say right off the bat that I have a feeling your husband is okay and honest and a good, respectful, husband. It sounds to me like you've got some insecurities because of the age difference or some other issue - but believe me - WE ALL HAVE INSECURITIES ABOUT SOMETHING! We are all human.

Let me share a little about the mind of a Man with you. Your husband DOES peek at other women - please NOTE the word "PEEK." We men are visual creatures - I'd say 50 or 60 percent or what drives us and occupies our minds is visually motivated. We love beautiful cars, nice looking suits, the picture on a high-def television, the colors of our favorite teams, the pink on the inside of a perfectly done steak, and yes - gorgeous WOMEN!!!

As long as your husband is a normal, breathing man with a heartbeat and at least one working eye, he is going to see, and peek and check out attractive women. Yes, he's gonna' check out a cute face or a nice booty or a set of pretty legs and NO - he is not going to articulate that to you. Why? Because it is none of your business! And, because his thoughts are for the most part [probably] harmless. After all - aren't people entitled to a certain amount of privacy. These ARE just thoughts we're talking about.

Listen, I'm not trying to be mean. Quite the opposite. Any thoughts your husband may have about passing women are his, for him alone because he is an individual, just like you, you don't owe your husband a play-by-play of ALL of your thoughts. Your thoughts are yours and you deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and so does he.

But in all of this secrecy, having thoughts that he DOES NOT have to share with you, does not mean that he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that he is unfaithful to you, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he will cheat on you, it doesn't mean that he wishes he had these other women instead of you, it doesn't mean he's a closet sex-fiend... it simply means that he's a normal guy.

I am 100% confident that your husband loves you and respects you. I doubt that he lusts after this army of women that you are worried about him fantasizing about. So, I think for the success of your marriage, you have to back off with the third degree on his feelings about other women. And, if you catch him watching the Beyonce "All the Single Ladies" video - don't worry - ALL US GUYS LOVE BEYONCE - but most of us love our WIVES A LOT MORE. I'm willing to bet that your husband is in the same boat with us!

Best wishes-

CHUCK: I love and respect everyone who sends us questions. I really do. Well, nearly everyone. And because I respect you, I would not be a person who would attempt to dismiss a question or an issue that you have. But really, I need to tell you, you're concerned about nothing.

Let's look at this situation from the other side: Rihanna's new video is playing. You're watching it with him, and he says, "Mmm, Rihanna lookin' a little fatter in the ass these days! I mean, the right kinda fat, too! Amirite?" Is that the kind of exchange you want to have with your husband? Is that what you want to hear? I really don't think so.

You answer you own question, basically. Your husband will not talk to you about whatever he's thinking about any woman he's looking at because you've already told him it makes you insecure. So he is not talking about them because he respects your feelings. Isn't that enough?

When I am with my wife, and an attractive woman passes my line of sight, I allow myself to look at her three seconds, tops. Any longer would probably get my wife's attention. I never make any comment myself. If she comments, I respond. Why do I restrict myself in such a manner? Because I love and respect my wife, and would never treat her in such a disrespectful manner. Plus, I want to keep the peace in my house.

So, in regards to your husband, two things are possible: One, he is really not like those other men that you have encountered, and he is capable of appreciating an attractive woman without letting his eyes bulge out and his tongue wag, like in the old Pepe LePew cartoons. Or two, he's just telling you what you want to hear. Either way, there is no real reason for you to doubt that he loves you and wants to be with you. Relax.

Define "Definition"

2010-02-06T22:37:00.001-05:00

QUESTION: I have been with this guy for about three years off and on. It is maybe a booty call , however for one reason or another we can't seem to call it quits. We are able to communicate very well and are very good friends talking about kids, relationships , work etc... But still we manage to end up in bed. As we see each other we don't date other people, however if one does we tell the other which makes the other go out on a date with someone just because. What is he thinking?? Am I really only a booty call?? Thank You. Confused in Watauga..

GARLAND: Hmmm, very interesting question.

You may not be just a booty call... I guess. Is there REALLY a definition for a "Booty Call?" I really don't know how to answer this. You sound like you two have reasonable chemistry outside of the bedroom and obviously decent chemistry IN the bedroom.

I think you should take a little time and figure out what it is YOU want from this guy? Keep in mind that if you two have this strong sexual chemistry but you don't want to date him or be monogamous to him, he will still be around if you meet somebody special. You don't want to find yourself in the situation where you meet a good guy that wants to be your one-and only, and then Mr. 'Three Years and Counting' shows up on your doorstep with a box of condoms, a bowl of lemon Jell-O and a pair of furry handcuffs. My point is - make sure that you have an emotional OUT with this situation, I wouldn't want you to become so intimately tied to this guy that you can't have a successful relationship AFTER him.

Now, lets assume that you may want a relationship with him. Then I truly think you should sit down with him - somewhere without a bedroom - and ask him about his thoughts on a one-on-one serious relationship with you. That's really the only way you all are going to know whats what.

Good luck!!!

CHUCK: Confused, don't sell yourself short. You are not a booty call. You have a relationship with this man. It's just a superficial relationship.

You have sex, you say you're good friends, you communicate well. For God's sake, you even show the consideration to tell one another if you're seeing someone else. I know married couples who don't show each other THAT consideration!

What I guess makes it superficial is that you have failed to define this relationship to each other or yourself. And because you haven't, your social conditioning has led you to feel guilty about it. Listen: There is NOTHING wrong with your relationship, as you have defined it here. You are two adults who enjoy each other's company, and, if you manage to fall in bed a lot, who does it hurt?

What is he thinking? Men aren't that complicated. He's probably not thinking. By that I mean, he probably enjoys the time he spends with you, and if you're not trying to put a label on things now, he's not going to either. You're making things easy for him.

That said, in general, women are not content to just let relationships flow in this manner indefinitely. And because of your guilt concerning all that good, uncomplicated sex, you're going to want to have "The Talk" soon, and ask where your relationship is going. There's nothing wrong with that, either. But you've known this man for a while. Consider any clues from your past conversations to determine how this man is going to respond to this talk. Like the lawyers say: Don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.

Good luck, Hope we've been of some help to you.

Let's Be Fake Friends

2010-02-06T22:35:00.002-05:00

QUESTION: Hi guys!

What does "we should still be friends" mean, anyway?

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me almost a month ago. He said some pretty mean things and I decided that if he (a generally great guy) could be so upset with me as to say them, he must be being honest and so I didn't call him back or talk to him again (except to give him his things when he came by to pick them up).

Then about 3 days ago, he called me but I missed his call and so he immediately texted me with basically, "I hope you've been well and I want you to know that you'll always have my friendship. Please take care." Then, he called my twice the next day but I was unable to answer . I called him back but no answer from him. Then he calls this morning and I answered and he wanted to make sure I got his text and that I knew that "even tho we're no longer a couple, I don't see why we can't still be friends?" He then proceeded to ask me about what I've been up to for the last 3 weeks and fill me in on what he's been doing. I was torn between chewing him out and actually trying to act like a friend. I took the high road. But all day, I've been trying to figure out what this means? Is he serious or is he trying to ease back into things?

Any input? If you need more history, I'll be more than happy to divulge. I'm just trying to keep it short and sweet.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. And thanks for keeping it short and sweet!

This is an odd question for me, because I usually see things in black and white - if he turned from a "great guy" into a rude and thoughtless jackass - then let him take his "fake friendship" and choke on it. Twice.

I'm afraid that I might end up there, though.

The whole "let's be friends concept" after a nasty argument or a nasty cussin' out is usually a self serving move to ease the mind of the offending party. I have no idea why your once Great boyfriend flipped the script and verbally laid waste to you - I'm sorry you had to go through that... a Better Man would have just broken off your relationship without making you out to be a bad person or without angry and insults.

"Let's be friends" means, I assume, one of two things -

1) "I need you to still be a phone call away in case I need a booty-call when my new lady is treating me bad."

2) "I need to try and look like a bigger man for being magnanimous enough to offer my friendship to you, even though I verbally trashed you and our relationship a few weeks ago. You should consider yourself lucky that I still want to keep in touch with you."

I started to say "lets be friends" could mean one of three things - but I don't think that is true. That Third thing would have been "I'm sorry." But I'm not going to sell that nonsense to you! If he was sorry, and a decent man, he would come to you and sit down and apologize - he would say the words, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." He wouldn't slurk back into the picture with a few text messages acting like all is well and playing 'catch up' from the last three weeks. He sounds like a very immature person - you are probably in for a lot more emotional drama from this kid.

By the way... if he turned from a "great guy" into a rude and thoughtless jackass - then let him take his "fake friendship" and choke on it. Twice.

CHUCK: Rule #1 in a Break-up: Never say anything you can't take back.

Apparently, this man did. He broke up, and decided to unload on you. Realizing (belatedly) that he may have hurt your feelings, I think that he decided that he would try to extend some half-assed olive branch to you. So he tells you that he would like to be friends, and maybe he counts on you being forgiving enough to still talk to him. So he comes back at you, but doesn't even care to broach an apology. That takes some nerve, I'll give it to him.

There's a good chance that he's trying to mend fences, on the off chancehe can talk you into some casual sex sometime in the future. Then you can be "friends with benefits." How lucky for you. I'm being sarcastic.

You never said how you feel about this offer, going forward. Do you think he's sincere? Do you still want to be his friend? If you do, hell, even if you don't, I think that he deserves to hear a few things from you. First of all, you should probably let him know that you expect better of your friends for them to say the kinds of hurtful things that he said to you. And to think that he could just call you up a few weeks later, and act like everything's copacetic was a miscalculation on his part. Basically, voice your ambivalance with this whole let's-be-buddies thing.

But you know what? Do you have a lot of friends? Are they good friends? Do you feel the need to maintain some half-assed, ex-boyfriend friends? If not, please feel free to ignore the next text you get from that one.

What could it be? Is it him or is it me?

2010-02-01T20:51:00.003-05:00

QUESTION: Hello guys,

I need some advice on a very sensitive topic.
I am going out with an older guy, and have no complaints about most things. We connect on every level, share like interests, have deep long conversations. He supports me in every project or endeavour I am in and is constantly spoiling me with little surprises and gifts.

We have the makings of a great relationship with one exception.
The bedroom.

Sex is hit or miss....he loses his erection quickly, 7 - 10 minutes into sex. I cannot bring him to orgasm often.....only twice or three times in six months. This has me worried. I have asked him if it is something I am doing and he assures me it isn't.
When he does have an erection it is painful for me, which doesn't help things much. Gentle going makes him lose the erection.

I have no experience in these matters with older men (there is a twelve yr difference). I do not know what to expect, and I do not know how to bring up the topic as I sense that it makes him insecure sometimes. And I don't want to approach the issue the wrong way and add to it.

I have considered that we could be just learning each other...but I am the kind to tackle the issue rather than let it drag on unresolved and lead to resentment....

Advice guys??????

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It's a very good one.

I see how sex and stamina could be sensitive subjects. Especially when there's an age difference involved - heck, even when an age difference is NOT involved! There are a number of issues that could be in play here - there could be some health issues he may not know about; he could be on a medication for something unrelated to sexual function and the side effect could be screwing up his blood pressure; or he could be deeply stressed about the age thing and could be really worried about pleasing you and that could be causing the E.D. problems.

A lot of guys measure their manhood DIRECTLY with their sexual prowess. All a guy needs is one or two bad performances in a row and suddenly that next encounter looks incredibly daunting. And THAT kind of stress is going to undoubtedly impact his performance again - then a slump insues and then his confidence drops and then he starts dreading the next failure and sex becomes less and less frequent. We can be weird like that. On top of everything - those first few failures could have been because of something like being tired; or being preoccupied with work or bills; or being sick - something that really had nothing to do with his TRUE sexual stamina.

Okay, what should you do? Talk to him.

Find a time other than bedtime and just tell him you care about him and you want to talk about your intimacy. You WILL have to do some ego-stroking so he won't get defensive and bail on the whole conversation. But let him know that YOU know that stress can bother a man's performance and maybe point out a few things that you know that could be preoccupying him. That kinda' gives him a way out... that way he won't feel old or out of shape [or anything else terrible].

The end result of your talk should be encouraging him to talk to his doctor. If you can steer the conversation in such a way that HE thinks the idea of talking to his doctor was HIS idea - then all the better! Assuming that his E.D. is not in his head - men have a bunch of medical choices to help fix that problem. All a man has to do is go against his "closed-mouth nature" and talk to his doctor. I'm pretty sure if there are no big medical issues - his doctor can give him a prescription and you all could take your intimacy to a new level!

Good luck and best wishes!!!!

CHUCK: Absolutely talk to him. This could be something as simple as "learning each other," but it's probably something more. Unfortunately, as men age, the body is no longer as cooperative as the mind would like it to be. If he has any health concerns, like high blood pressure or diabetes, the medication he's taking may be effecting his sexual performance.

As Garland said, approach him gently, as some men are very sensitive about issues concerning sexual performance. In fact, I think you should first ask him if he has any issues with you. Then you can air your concerns with him. All in the interest of making your sex life together better.

What happens in these circumstances sometimes is when an incident of ED takes place, a man may dwell on it, and bring about another incident the next time. It's human nature. We never dwell on the great, fulfilling sexual experiences we have so much as the times when the sex just didn't work out. So we need to find a way to get past the bad stuff.

If you find that there is a health issue, or even an age issue with your boyfriend, see what his attitude is toward getting some medical assistance with the issue. There is nothing to be ashamed about, and there are plenty of options available: Viagra, Cialis, etc. I'm not suggesting that this may be something that he would need forever. But maybe just until those bad incidents are in the past, and you have learned each other sufficiently. Thanks for the question.

You Look Like You Need A Hug

2010-01-18T22:35:00.010-05:00

QUESTION: Ok love the blog. So, I am new at my school and I noticed this guy was staring at me at certain times, and trying to get my attention by giving me high fives. I really didn't pay attention to him until he helped me out in one of classes together. I am not very good at that class and I guess it was obvious enough for him to notice.

Then I went to a school party and when I came in he stared at me. I ignored it and starting hanging with my friends, he invited himself in the conversation by asking us to dance with him. So we did, and he was trying to impress us by attracting attention to himself. He finally talked to me alone asking if I was having a good time. We had a very successful introduction, I thought. Then at school the next day, he was being a little flirty with me, by touching my hands. That day he hugged me goodbye, which through me off cause I didn't think we were at that point in relationship, but I liked it.
To me it was obvious that he wantedto get to know me, he stood by me in a conversation, during class and sort of joked around with me. Let me add that I am not an easy person to get to know. I began to like this guy during one of our school trips, which he told me a iwas gorgeous and I noticed he would also stare at me when he was telling a group something. Like as if he were only telling it to me. At one point he even said I was one if his favorite people. It was also on this trip I discovered that he was a bit of a ladies man by hugging girls, telling them they were pretty and all that.

Then I won an award for something on this trip and he was very excited for me, making a big scene, when they called my name. He hugged me about 5 times after that telling me good job. The next day he said less to me but did say one nice thing that I can't remember. Anyways on our way back from the trip we all stopped to get some food , there he hugged me when I came in. And after everyone ate he huggedall the girls, but i think he was eyeballing me. Then he gave me a longish intimate hug while saying "this is nice, this is so nice". Then we parted ways and I texted him asking a question, then it started conversation that lasted from Friday night to saturday night, including sleep. It wasn't a big conversation cause he seemed to reply with little words, Lols, and smiley faces. I got to know him better. During our texts I would ask him if I was wasting his time and idbhe wanted me to stop and he said no. Also I he would say "I'll have to tell u about it sometime", or "you'll have to tell me about it sometime" with smiley faces. I finally thought the conversation was going on too long and that he should do the pursuing. So we said our ttyls lol. Sorry this is so long and might not make sense. Anyways after that weekend I saw him at school, he hugged me in the morning and ignored me for the rest of the day except for one "sup" exchange and then hugged megoodbye twice. I think we exchanged some awkward conversation. Lol I used conversation a bit too much. Ok so if this makes any sense, please tell me what is in his head?! And everything u think about this!!! Please!!! I think I screwed this up bad :(

GARLAND: Hey - Thanks for your question.

I guess first, in my opinion, you didn't screw anything up. He probably likes you and it's nothing wrong with wanting him to show you some real interest. He sounds like a big squishy kid to me, so that's why all you got was a "sup."

The thing that sort of makes me shake my head a bit is just the silliness that young guys pull on you ladies now and so many of you accept it and even like it. Don't get me wrong - he's probably a nice guy - but his Game, like a lot of guys in their 20's, is real real weak. The endless staring, the buddy-buddy hugs, the wimpy text messages full of LOL's, 2BZ4UQT's, 2G2BT's, 4EAE's, BBIAF's, and smiley faces - Where is The Substance? Where is The Man really sitting down with you and TELLING you how he feels? Why is he hiding behind emptychildish stares and his iPhone texting you like a timid little boy?

Part of me thinks you young ladies let these young guys get away with way too much wimpy bullcrap. A Manly Man shouldn't spend his time shyly staring across a room at you, he shouldn't hug you a dozen times like you two just won the Superbowl. I wish he would butch-up a little and take you out to dinner, look you in you eyes and talk to you - dare I say, "Rap to you." A Smooth Guy should be able to deliver the goods without treating you like his cousin and without sitting on his homeboy's sofa, playing Madden '10 and texting you between downs. If you are looking for some potential dating from this guy - aren't you going to want a man that can communicate maturely?

Hey, I'm not knocking you, and believe it or not I'm not TOTALLY knocking him - I just think you wouldn't have any doubt or confusion if this guy's Game was tighter and he was lot braver. Hold your ground, don't sweat him - he may come back around, or - you may get lucky and have a grown up ask you out to dinner.

Best wishes -

CHUCK: First of all. let me also assure you that you haven't done anything wrong. The fault lies completely with HuggMaster. This guy has got your attention, he has spoken to you, breached your personal space with endless hugs, but where is the follow-through?

I'm not going to go along with Garland and the Manly Man discussions. He may not be a Manly Man. There's nothing wrong with that. However, after this guy has broke his neck staring at you across rooms, flirting and flattering, getting you to let him hug you. You say you're not easy to get to know, so this probably wasn't easy. But him to fail to make an effort to advance the relationship... It's a little like bait and switch.

I could run down the customary list of why a guy doesn't pursue a woman ardently enough (i.e., he's got a girlfriend, he's gay, etc.), but I don't really think they apply here. I think you just have someone here who's really weak in the follow-through. I believe that Garland and I have been telling women for years that it's all right for them to make the first move. But how about the second, the third, the twenty-first move? I'm not going to go on a rant about how cell phones, IMs, and texting is killing romance. But I do see them as encouraging distance rather than intimacy, and some people get too used to using them as a crutch.

Your next move is probably dependent on just how you feel about this man. I think it's obvious that he's gotten inside your head. But do you see yourself in a closer relationship with him? Especially since you may have to lead him by the hand every now and then. You can wait for him to get himself together and ask you out. Or you can ask him if he wants to get some coffee after class sometime. Hopefully, he won't faint right there on the spot. Either way, you need to just cut to the chase. Thanks for the question.

We're Not That Guy

2010-01-07T22:39:00.008-05:00

Your blog is one of my personal favorites, and you guys are very informative - so I have a question for you.

QUESTION: I am always curious about guys. Having always worked with and for mostly men, and having mostly men as friends and just getting along with them well as people, and even dating one or two :) I find men endlessly fascinating. As such how their minds work is intriguing, I saw this item that a friend sent.

http://www.flyguychronicles.com/2009/11/7-things-your-woman-hates-about-you/

I am curious about the following:

Annoyance #2: You focus on what we spend, but not what you spend. You ask how much our new haircut or handbag costs … yet conveniently don’t mention your sportsbook.com account or the $200 you lost on the NCAA parlay. Until we’re sharing a bank account with you, we’re not all that interested in your opinions on how we should or should not spend our money. And if we are sharing a bank account, here’s something you should know: Reminding us when we’re in the throes of post-retail bliss that we just blew all our disposable income for the month is not going to endear you to us. The perfect boyfriend response: “Wow, [fierce/sexy/hot] new [haircut/handbag/lingerie item]. I guess dinner is on me tonight!” Then wait a few days to bring up your financial concerns, by proposing we both start saving for something we want to buy together.

Never having asked a male of my acquaintance or any male for that matter to support me and not one to treat anyone male or female like an ATM - unless of course it is an actual ATM :) A responsible person who earns, spends and manages money responsibly having learned lessons early in life. I have noticed this and it makes me curious - why is that?

Annoyance #3: You talk to us as if we’re one of the guys
If you have any romantic inclinations toward us, please don’t call us by our last name. Otherwise we’ll assume we’ve already been relegated to buddy status and start thinking of you that way, too. Also, you’ll rarely find us holding entire conversations in Simpsons and Old School quotes. Similarly, we don’t talk in numbers the same way men tend to. We’re happy to see evidence of your improvements at the gym, but we really don’t need to know how much you can bench-press. We also couldn’t care less about your day rate, the price of your car, or the number of beers you once shotgunned in college. And fantasy-league anything will make us flirt hard with the waiter. No, the conversation doesn’t have to be all about us, but we do want you to shoot for topics of mutual interest.

Now if a man is just a friend - not a friend with bennies but just a buddy this kinda makes sense - but if he appears to be interested in more than just friends i.e. romance - what is this all about?

GARLAND: Thanks for The 'Luv at the start of your question. I'm going to be real with you here - your two annoyances are really things I can't relate to, so as a guy, I'm really going to have to make assuptions here myself.

First - The Money Thing... How much did that [ ] hairdo, [ ] purse, [ ] jacket, [ ] bracelet [ ] insert other item cost? Frankly, I don't know what that is all about. When I dated women, they all had jobs and most made the same, or more than I did. So I never had the audacity or reason to question their spending. We weren't married, we didn't share bank accounts and they didn't ask me for a dime! The person that wrote that article sounds like she rolls with some childish psuedo-men. Grown men, with their shizzle together, and who aren't insecure man-children, don't bother their women with these foolish things.

Most of The Ladies today are handling their business and if any of them are putting up with men that are keeping tabs on Their money - then they need their heads examed because there are more fish in the sea, and these little boys just aren't worth it.

I don't even approach My Wife like that, because (1) I trust her judgement (2) I know she's not going to get us into a financial position that will hurt our family (3) She's waaaaay better with money than I am, (4) She's a grown woman with a job of her own.

So ladies, if your man is questioning your money, and he's not putting his money in your hands - you may have a bum and you may have problems down the road.

Then as far as the last name thing goes - In my opinion, this must be some young guy B.S. Unless we were in the military together or worked in an environment where last names were the norm, I'm not calling a woman that I'm interested in by her last name. That is simply stupid. If a guy is calling you by your last name and talking about his childish drinking games and booty call history - then he looks at you like a fool or a pal. I say "A Fool" because if he wants to date you, then he will try to show himself as a good catch, a decent guy, respectful and clever, someone that you would love to be with - not an immature boob. If he thinks that you will go for a slack-jawed, rough around the collar, dim-witted moron, then he thinks that you are a fool, because only a fool would go for that kind of person. Now, he could just want you for "A Pal" - someone to hangout with, maybe have a drink with or an ocassional party side-kick, nothing serious, nothing intimate and nothing romatic. That could be why he treats you like one of the guys, because to him, that basically what you are, so technically, he could be keepin' it real.

But, to answer your question - a guy that, in 2009, is questioning a woman about how SHE spends HER money and is treating her like a dude - is immature and far from ready for a Real relationship. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. You know, we're a list obsessed society these days. People write crazy little lists all the time: 3 Sexiest Men, 10 Worst Movies, 5 Worst John Travolta Movies, 12 Things in Lil Wayne's Medicine Cabinet, stuff like that. But you need to understand: It's all for entertainment value. Some lists that are published have little relation to reality, or reality to anyone other than the writer. That might just be the case here.

Or maybe Garland and I are just weird. I know, but I haven't ruled it out. Anyway, The money thing. Once upon a time, when I was young and naive, I had the nerve to ask a young lady I was seeing how much she was spending on her bi-weekly hair appointment. I thought since I was taking her back and forth, I at least had that right. Ah, how wrong I was! I was told emphatically that how much she spent on her hair was none of my business. But from that answer, I gathered, it must be a lot.

Now that I'm married, I am well acquainted with the concept of hers, mine, and ours. Am I going to ask her about the three boxes that came in the mail from Amazon today? No, because I don't need her quizzing me about the bag I just brought in the house from Best Buy. And as long as there is sufficient money between the two of us to keep up the household expenses, there shouldn't be any problems. Nobody wants to get out of bed and put in a full week of work, and be told they can't have or do something that makes them happy.

As for the second example you cite, it brings up a question and a comment. Fiirst, the question: If there is an actual person that behaves in this manner (calling women by their last name, carrying out conversations in quotes from TV shows, regaling you with fantasy football stats), has he ever lived a day outside of a frat house? Has he ever had a conversation with an actual woman? I guess it's possible to be this socially inept, but wow.

Here's the comment: For any guy in his 20's who wonders why he may be having a hard time finding a girlfriend, or questioning why women his age may be gravitating to older men, THIS STUFF IS WHY WOMEN YOUR AGE WON"T DATE YOU. It's all right to conduct yourself like life is Spike TV around your male friends, but if you want to have female company at some point, you need to broaden your interests. I think older guys, in large part, have learned that lesson.

Hope that this was helpful to you in some way. It's not always easy to define what you are as a person, but it's pretty easy to define what you're not. Approach guys who do things like this at your own risk.

Yes or No Question

2010-01-07T11:26:00.002-05:00

QUESTION: Hello Chuck n Garland!

First of all, Thank you for you two wonderful men and your blog!

I am at a crossroad n I do not know how to make my next move! I have met this guy and we have sort of been hanging out and seeing each other a lot over the weekends (he lives an hr away from my hometown so we kinda alternate between his hometown n mine; every fortnight at his n the other at mine) for 2 months now. We both know that we like each other n I have met his parents when I stay over at his and they have been really easygoing and receptive all the time.

So it was last Friday after a rather early night out from his local pub, he asked "so r we sorta seeing each other?" and I said "er yea.......(long pause)........oh, r we?" and he replied "oh....well...doesnt matter i do enjoy hanging out with u anyway! its always good to see u n we have such amazing time". i knew i just shot myself in the foot. what a silly reply!!! I wished I could turn back time n gave him an affirmative YES. I knew I wanted it but I guess I was just kinda shy...what a twat i was!!! now I do not know what to do, should I broach the subject or wait for him to do it? I do not mind opening up first this time because I do not want to let go of such great man. hes a real gentleman, sensitive and really respectful towards me, his family n friends. and despite the subtle 'slap in the face', we still had an amazing weekend with his mates. no talks bout that subject again. everything normal. i left for home on tues.

also, hes going to university which is 5hrs train ride from where i live in september... i do not know if its worth giving it a try? we have kinda talked bout me going down once in a while n being more than welcome to crash at his flat when im not working over the weekends.

any advise from the both of u would be worth more than anything! thks a bunch!!!!

CHUCK: Gee. What's wrong with this picture? NOTHING!

Or almost nothing. This guy is supposedly sensitive, respectful, has nice parents, you enjoy his company. But you still pull back when he (that is, HE) asks for some small commitment between you. I say again: WTF.

I would like some more background on you. What experiences have you had that made you freeze up at his "going steady" question? Have you had any really bad romantic experiences? Did you have someone reject you when you approached them in a similar fashion? Is there any reason that would make you uneasy?

I understand if you were momentarily surprised, though. Men these days have conditioned women to expect them to avoid any relationship conversation like it was a guy with no pants on the subway. But there may be a couple of issues that are unconsciously giving you pause. Are you sure you want to be this guy's girlfriend? If you don't, that may be the source of the hesitation. And if you don't, well, that's all right. Just please, let him know that you don't feel the same way about him that he may about you.

Or you may be hesitant about his coming move to the university. Are you reluctant to be seeing someone that is five hours away from you? Again, it's understandable if that causes you problems. I don't see that as being an insurmountable distance. We've gotten questions from women in previous posts who are conducting relationships with men in different countries. Not always successfully, mind you. But I've always said that if a couple is mature enough, and committed enough, they can make a long distance relationship work.

If you find yourself feeling embarassed and guilty that you didn't answer him as quickly or decisively as you felt you should have, though, don't try to hard to try to get that moment back. You'll only call attention to yourself. Instead, wait for an opportunity of your own to show him how you feel about him, and that you're glad to be in his company. Odds are that you'll find one soon enough.

GARLAND: I think you should think hard about whether or not you can handle a long distance relationship with him being a 5 hour trin ride away. That's a big issue. If the answer is "Yes," or even, "I think so." then you should step up and let this guy know what's on your mind.

Chuck is right, don't try to get THAT special moment back though - but I say be agressive and make another opportunity to talk about your feelings. I always like just speaking up, risking a little embarrassment, and speaking my mind. That doesn't always work, but it is a darn site better than sitting idle and wishing on a star to fall you way. The next time you see him, take a deep breath and just talk to him about what you are feeling and give him a chance to talk [like a grown up] about what he's feeling. Look at it this way, YOU have the advantage! You have time to REHEARSE what you want to say!

My vote: YES! Put your cards on the table and see how he plays his hand!

Very best of luck!!!!

Pilot Error

2010-01-05T00:20:00.003-05:00

QUESTION: Hi,

I was dating a 26 year old guy. We were friends before we started dating and he is really a genuinely good guy, one of those dime a dozen tyoe, but he had not been in a relationship for six years because he was focused on geting his pilot licence and didn't want to take on a relationship because his flying would interfere with it and he didn't want to neglect anyone. Well, when I met him he was almost finished with his flying.

We became friends through a mutual friend of ours. He was single, never been married, has no children and he nor his brother believes in cheating, sounds perfect right? I have 3 children from a previous relationship and I'm 3 years older than he is. Well maybe I should have left it as just friends.

We started dating about 6 months into the friendship. He called everyday about 20 times a day, when I didn't answer my cell, he called my work phone and inbetween that he was emailing me at my work email address. Everything seem to be going well. It did become a little annoying after a while, the sex wasn't that good at first either, because I was his second and he wasn't very confident and I patiently worked on it with him to a point that was workable for us both. He was really sweet the entire relationship and I became really attached to him. We were together for about 4 months. We spent as much time together as we could. The children were with their grandmother all week, and when he couldn't make it over to me, I would go up to his school so we could hang out on his breaks and after school, he really looked foward to me doing that every week, but it was kinda boring for me, especially the waiting while he was in class and I would aslo meet him at the airport so we could hang out while he was going to flight school. My daughter didn't like the fact that there was a man in my life, but later became attached as well and periodically called him daddy. My older son always wanted to be a pilot, so he loves him and the youngest always had a liking for him from the time we were just friends.

Everything was fine up until he went to visit his older brother in another country for 9 days about three weeks ago. He called as often as he could and emailed almost everyday, I thought everything was fine. I drove 3 hours to Miami, as a surprise to him, but also because the mutual friend we have, who he thought was picking him was not, she had other engagements for the evening had was not going to leave to pick him up, so I volunteered. He kissed and hugged me when he saw me, but he wasn't as excited as I expected him to be. He came back with a stomach virus, which started about 2 days before he came back. We went out with my family, went back to their place and spent the night there and he drove up the next day. I wasn't able to go I had something to take care of before I left.

We didn't see each other all week, but we still spoke on the phone and emailed as usual. I was a little busy at work, so I couldn't respond or talk as ofter as usual, but nothing seem out of the norm. He thought I would have came up to his school to visit him one day in the week, but I was too tired. School had started back and I now had the children during the week again. He came over friday, we were all hanging out. We put the kids to bed, watched some TV then went to lye down. After our rondevue, he got dressed and sat at the top fo the bed (unusual) I kept asking what was wrong and finally he said he couldn't do this anymore. I asked if he met someone else and he said no, he's not like that, but it's moving too fast and getting too serious and he's not ready for that right now. I didn't know what to say. It was out of the blue, he wanted me to say something, but I was too shocked. After he left, he called and left a message apologising and said he felt like shit and wanted me to talk to him. I was too angry and shocked, I shut him out. He called our mutual friend and told her he didn't mean to break up, but it came out that way and he wants to talk to me, but I deleted him off my facebook and won't take his calls. Was a I wrong? I called 2 days later.

His reasoning were, he didn't feel comfortable with my daughter calling him daddy and I thought it was harmless. I was telling him everyday that I loved him and he didn't feel the same way and even though I told him he didn't have to say it back, it overwhelmed him and he's still young and it was just moving too fast and he wanted to get out now because of that reason. He wasn't ready to settle down yet. I became angry at that point, because he never expressed any of the things that were bothering him or sit me down and tell me that we needed to slow it down and change certain things that were happening, but deep down, as angry as I am, I really miss his company, but I can no longer be his friend because we already took it past that point. I explained that I wasn't looking for marriage, at least not now and there may have been a few jokes, but that was all they were, just innocent jokes. He agreed that maybe he took things too seriously... I expressed that I didn't even know my relationship had a problem because he never expressed his concerns so I was never given the option to fix it.

I emailed him to come and pick his stuff up Saturday between a specific timeframe and return my key. I want to talk to him as well to see if we can give it another try and take it down a notch and see where it goes and let him know that if something is bothering him he needs to talk to me about it before it gets to the point of being overwhelming and if we need to slow it down, he has to let me know. There's no way for me to know what he's thinking. What do you think or suggest?

CHUCK: This kind of thing drives me crazy. This guy flies planes. I'm afraid of heights. He can probably do more before breakfast than I can do all day. But he is still unable to address his relationship concerns with you without, yes, crashing and burning.

What is it about "the relationship discussion" that makes some men and women quake with fear? I know that there can be complex emotions involved, and there can be a lot at stake, but we should not let that paralyze us, or make us say things we may not mean. Because that's what I think that your boyfriend did with you.

He may have said too much, and realized he wanted to take it back. But I think what really happened is he just wanted to voice his insecurities about being in a relationship with an older woman, seeing your kids start to get attached to him, and not having a lot of relationship experience himself. He may have wanted to slow things down, but I don't believe that it was his original intention to break up with you.

You, I think, had a different issue. I think that, in your urge not to get hurt, you may be pushing him by being too reactionary. True, he completely fumbled talking to you. But you immediately set about eradicating him from your life. You even wiped him off your Facebook page! Perhaps anticipating that reaction is what got him so nerved up last time.

You two should have a conversation before you make any other moves. He needs to articulate what he wants out of this relationship, and you should, too. He is not looking to get married yet. You say you don't think you are, either. There's a chance you might be closer in what you're looking for than you think. But hear him out. And don't let the fact that he's a little clueless throw you. This is someone who's being trusted with millions of dollars in aircraft.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I think your 'un-friended' flyboy is not quite ready for the level of relationship that you are presenting to him. Sure, his sheepish declaration at the top of the bed was a bit awkward, but he did tell you what was on his mind - "this is moving fast and I'm not ready for this."

For a 26 year-old guy, this is pretty good. He is NOT going to break things down like a woman would or like an older guy would. They might give more detail and dig deeper into the emotions that are in play - but a 26 year old man... yeah, he's gonna give it to you brief.

You mention that marriage isn't necessarily a goal here, but I'm gonna keep it real with you - IF YOU ARE NOT PLANNING A MARRIAGE, then you shouldn't have your kids making such a significant emotional attachment to him after four months and you should NOT have them calling him DADDY. That is going to screw them up AND it is going to screw HIM up. Many many many 26 year old men are not ready to be DAD. Sure, when he first started going out with you he was blowing up the phone and the E-Mail, but that was because he was dating a hot older chick! He was probably full of himself and paranoid all at the same time - but now things are slowing down and drifting into the realm of The Calm. Sadly, he is now seeing the forest and not just the trees.

I see where Chuck is going with his answer, but I'm going to go into a different direction, I think being a pilot requires a calm and level headed person, I think your 26 year old has calmed down and realizes that maybe the pre-made family is not the thing he wants right now. That is not a slight on you or your kids, not at all, but he has a right to look at his relationship with you, his future relationship and professional options and goals and he has a right to say - "I think I want to go in another direction." I think in the long run his choice will be better for all of you - you and your kids would be miserable if he ignored his true feelings and stayed in a relationship with you, and/or married you and allowed a loveless home to fester and surround you all.

When it's all said and done here, he is 26 and probably a very nice person. He is not ready for the intensity that a relationship with the four of you will bring. Yes, I said 'the four of you' because no matter how you slice it - the four of you are a package - there is no dating you without being a part of your three kids lives. Trying to reduce the scope of your relationship or by making things light hearted and cutesy, is just not going to work.

Best of luck -

Those Who Can, Do... Those Who Can't, Counsel?

2010-01-02T16:29:00.001-05:00

QUESTION: I met this guy on the net a little over two weeks ago. Good looking, but more important, a profile that I could have written.

We talk for a week and it's all good. He appears to be the "whole package". Pretty much everything I like in a man and it seems like we "click". Much more so than any guy I've talked with so far.

Anyway....I wanted to see if there was any chemistry, and if he had put up a accurate pic. Me being the visual creature I am, and an internet dating vet for over a year, understand that pics can't compare to face to face. I want to test the 3-5 rule. So I suggested a meeting. Public place of course.

Never really got a yes or no...bottom line it hasn't happened yet.

We continue to talk and he has told me he is physically attracted to my pics (yes I sent him a few more) and my mind, but still no meet.

A few nights ago I asked him if he was indeed, as his profile said, ready to be in/looking for a relationship. He said yes. The next night during a brief conversation, I asked if he was "keeping his options open" (dating other prospects) and he said that he didn't think he was ready to date yet. That statement, when taken with what he had said in his profile, and during our conversations, set off all kinds of bells and whistles.

Here's the kicker...he IS a relationship counselor! LMAO!!!

I don't want to rush him but damn. I don't want to waste his time or mine. For me, face to face tells me most of what I need to know in terms of taking it a step further. If the chemistry is not there for both of us, thank you very much and I wish you much success and happiness. Simple.
I've dated many men from the net. Or should I say I've had many first dates. Not too many seconds. Most guys appreciate it if I don't waste their time and am honest up front. I dislike games. If it ain't there, it ain't there.

This guy intrigues me but this whole relutance to meet is getting a bit tiresome. He keeps "dancing" around it.

There are many fish in the sea. Some even ready to jump into my boat..no rod or net! Not sure how much more time I want to spend on this one if he is not really showing any interest in even getting near my hull, but just wants to sing to me from the water.

So tell me...am I being too impatient? Or is it time to pass this one by?

P.S. there is an event in a few weeks that he will be attending. I just received an invitation to the same event today, but have not told him yet or even decided if I'm going. I don't want to look like "stalker chick" but my curiosity is almost getting the best of me now.

CHUCK: Simply put: Pass this one by. I love it: A relationship counselor who can't resolve to meet someone he apparently likes to communicate with, and has seen, and doesn't think is a gargoyle. WTH?

There are some possibilities. He could be self-conscious about his looks, and fear rejection. He could, as a relationship counselor, have heard and seen too much bad stuff, and become gunshy himself in terms of starting a relationship. Or he could just be one of those people who is witty on the text, engaging on the phone, but a drip in person.

Or he could be playing hard to get, realizing that the reluctant suitors can frequently seem more fascinating than the eager ones.

Either way, it sounds as though you're tired of games, so don't play them anymore. Stop asking him to a physical meeting. I'm not suggesting that you stop being this man's friend, because his reason may be legitimate. But just in case it is not, stop chasing him fo a while. See if his attitude changes any then. Thanks for the question.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! Uh... let this one go. Please.

Chuck gave this post the perfect title. Dating this guy is probably a lot like working for a company where the most unlikely people rise to management positions. They can't do the job, but they have somehow managed to stumble into a position where they are in charge of people who can. This dude gives relationship advice and yet can't seem to get into one himself.

Let me look at that last line - "yet can't seem to get into one himself."

Hmmm, that may or may not be correct now that I think about it. This fellow might NOT be able to commit or start a relationship - then again - maybe he can and he is just choosing not to get into one with you. Maybe you are too much for him and you'd see right through the lame parts of his game; Maybe he wants to pretend to get involved with someone - there are some people out there that love 'the hunt' but hate 'the kill'.

Frankly, it could be any number of reasons why he's acting like a lame duck. But my advice, just like Chuck's - let this poser go. He's playing games or he's scared out of his mind, either way - you can find bigger and tastier fish to fry.

Best wishes to your quest-

Not a Good Time

2009-12-22T23:19:00.005-05:00

QUESTION: Hello, I just today found your site and think its great that you guys can give helpful advice to the women of the world! Well my story is complicated.... at least to me, so I'd like any advice you can give!

Here goes: Ok my boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs. We've known each other for around 10 though. He is divorced and has three children. I've never been married and have no children. We got together in a weird sort of way. I was his ex-wife's brother's girlfriend for 4yrs. We both pretty much broke up with our exes at the same time and have been together ever since. We both agreed at the start that we would be upfront and honest with each other about anything and everything because we both lacked that in our previous relationships. I guess you could say we both had certain issues that needed to be overcome. I can tell you now that mine was trust and I guess you could say his was being trusted. His ex was constantly accusing him of cheating.

He is a very outgoing person that is overly nice to people and as you know some women take that the wrong way. The first 3yrs went really well with just a few minor rows and the normal relationship issues. Then towards the begining of this year we started to become distant with each other. We both had to change jobs, money got tight, and stress was mounting on both ends. He spent more and more time out drinking and I spent more and more time at home alone being mad.

Finally it all came to a head and I was snooping (not good I know) and found some texts from a girl that I had never heard about. I'll tell you now that there was no real sexual meaning behind them but they didnt sound good either. I completely lost control and we started arguing. He had no explanations for the girl texting him and ending up storming out in the middle of the night. I didn't know what to do. I felt completely betrayed. The following day I changed the locks on the house and started packing his stuff because he refused to talk to me. I gave him a deadline in which to pick his things up and I was done. I cryed for the next 4 days straight. I couldn't let him or his kids go.

Over the next couple of weeks we started talking again and agreed that since we had known each other for so long that it would be stupid to never talk again. We had really long talks and he told me he never did anything with anybody else and I believed him. Soon we were sleeping together again, but we were calling it "friends with benifits". Then he told me he was sorry and that he really did love me but he was under so much stress that he didn't know what he wanted. (He runs a restraunt, has to work 50+ hrs a week so he doesn't fall behind on child support, cause if he does his ex takes him to court and tries to get him thrown in jail) To be honest all our problems started when he had to go to jail overnight for being behind. After that he was obsessed with work and said he would never go back. Anyway he started staying the night pretty much through the whole week. Things seem to be ok but there's alot of strain. One of the major problems is I can't let him move back into my house because my parents own it and they flat out said noway. He stays at his dads and neither one of us has the money to move right now. We both just started school so we can get away from the food indusrty. I know he's stressed about that because he can't tell his boss for fear of being demoted and falling behind in cs.

This past week he hasn't stayed the night with me at all. He's not as lovey as he usually is unless I initiate it. He still says "I love you" but it almost seems like its just habit. But at the same time we've almost been planning the future like we used to...looking at houses and talking about what we want to do. Do you think I'm overanalyzing or is he done? Is he just overstressed? I try and be as supportive as I can but it gets frustrating because I dont understand what he wants. *sigh* Well thanks for listening and I hope you can shed some light on this!

Thx again,
Confused

GARLAND: Thank you for your question, it;s a very good one that I think a lot of people can relate to.

Your man sounds very stressed, and stress, like most negative stuff, trickles down, in this case, to his woman. I think that this may be a time in your man's life that he focuses on his priorities, and while it may sound cold it's not meant to be, but you are probably NOT one of those priorities.

Let me explain - when I was single, I dated a reasonable amount, not a lot but not a little - sort of right in the middle I guess. But, while I would have liked to have had a girlfriend or at least a steady hanging-out-friend most of the time, I came across certain stretches where my money was funny, or I had to focus on getting myself squared away. It was during those times, that I didn't date, or I didn't kick-it with that special someone. I focused on me, my money and/or my situation. When I was on even footing as a Man, only then was I any good for a woman.

I think for Your Man, this is one of those times where he needs to get himself squared away and be gainfully employed, a steady father, self sufficent, and a more reasponsible man. He's divorced, struggling with child support, living with his dad, overworked, and I'm sure his head is all over the place. Honestly, I don't see where he has room in his life to try and be a decent boyfriend or partner to you. He is worried day-to-day about whether or not he's going to jail. He REALLY needs to work on the REAL issues in his life. And being the father of three, he needs to make sure he gets quality face time with his kids. He just sounds like he needs to prioritize big-time. Also, you sound like you have some things on your plate too, That's NOT a knock on you, but living in a house owned by Mom and Dad and just starting school, it sounds like you have dreams and targets you need to be concentrating on yourself.

Sure, you may have had a few good years - four - but think about the fact that you have, probably another 50 or 60 years ahead of you. Do you understand how much living THAT truly is. There is no rule that says you have to stay with a guy because you two have gone out for a few years - THERE IS NO RULE! It is okay to walk away from four years with a guy. He needs to get himself together and so do you - it sounds to me like being together is going to be more stressful than seperating from each other.

Right now, this guy sounds like all he can be to you is a Sex-Buddy. He has no money, he can't take you anywhere, he can't cook you breakfast in his own kitchen and he can't commit to you. Sex-Buddies are a dime-a-dozen, but a man that is ready, willing and able to take on a mature and healthy relationship with you is a true prize and one you are worthy of.

Good luck, and think about the next 60 years. Remember - YOU DON'T OWE HIM A THING, YOU ONLY OWE YOURSELF!!!

CHUCK: Confused, once upon a time, maybe during the 90's, there used to be a concept called "having it all." That referred to having everything in your life together and locked down. Your career, your home, your car, your love life: all sorted out. A lot of people had it that way, and thought it'd be that way forever. They were wrong.

Marriages fell apart, people got laid off, homes were foreclosed on, the snatch-man came for that E-class. Things changed for people who did not expect them to. Maybe that is what has happened with your boyfriend. His marriage fell apart, and now he is constantly trying to keep up with his child support. He's even been forced to spend time in jail. He's living with his dad, and cannot stay with you. He is very stressed out. Is this an ideal evironment for a relationship? I don't think so.

You don't explicitly state what it is you want out of this relationship, but it seems to me that if you want anything more than just the most basic stuff, and occasional "benefits," you're not likely to get it. It's not his fault, though. Circumstances have run this man down, and he seems to have decided to spend a good deal of his time at the pity party.

Is his situation tough? Yes, but not untenable. There are plenty of guy in similar broke, overworked straits, who do not have the love of a woman to see them through. He doesn't realize how good he has it.

If you feel you can be fulfilled with things as they are with him, very well. But I think now may just not be a very good time for you two. Maybe you should take a break for a few months and revisit your situation later. Maybe things will change for the better by then. But right now, I think your guy is on a bit of a downward trend psychologically. You're under no obligation to go down with him.

Out of the Question

2009-12-16T20:41:00.000-05:00

QUESTION: Ok...ok...don't judge me...I know this is real bad and I will never do or pursue anything like it...I'm just sort of curious...I don't know well anyways here's my situation

I met this man online. We chatted a little, talked about everything and anything. Liked what we said. And we soon chatted some more and told each other that we really like each other and enjoyed each others company.
Problem is we are 33 years apart!!!!!!!!!!
I know its insane, crazy, absurd, wrong in every way...but somehow in some twisted way i find myself attracted to him.
I know you are probably going to yell at me and tell me what the he** are you thinking?!!!
Its the weirdest thing in the world to me.
I know myself and I never would have imagined myself fall for someone like this.
I come from a good life with valued morals and I know its so wrong...but it just feels right.
He lives in Canada and I live in the US.
I never met him or sent him a picture of myself and he never sent me one.
We were both scared and with it all being illegal and what not.
I know it wont work out and to tell you the honest truth I don't even know how it would.
It's impossible.
He's divorced and has two daughters around the same age as me.
He never felt this way or ever thought he would be able to.
He also thinks it is wrong and knows it out of the question but its just hard to not chat together.
It may be just like a little infatuation or puppy love for both of us or even a fantasy.
I guess we just like chatting with each other knowing it wont ever work out.

I know it's wrong in every way but could you tell me what you think of this all...what you think he might be feeling or really anything that you think should be said please feel free to say....

he is 48...so yeah...and his divorce was recent its been a little over a year...I have considered the fact that it might be a mid life crisis or something, him trying to find love...or me at a young age looking for love...but I really don't know and I do know this is really bad of me to even talking with a stranger like this but I know I wont do anything...he wont either because he is worried as well and has daughters my age so...i just would really appreciate it if i had your opinions.

-Thank you

GARLAND: Thank you for this question. First and foremost I want to thank you for being smart enough to talk about this E-Mail 'friendship' that you've developed.

I read your question several times and there were about a million things I wanted to say to you. I've scaled it back some so don't worry. Right up front I want you to know that I want you to stop chatting with this fellow. Let me tell you why... actually you're smart - you know why, but humor me and read my comments.

A 48 year old man that claims to want to be with [or love] a 15 year old girl is dangerous. Hey - I'm sure he talked all about the guilt he feels by talking to someone young enough to be his daughter, and I'm sure he told you that he's never done anything like that before, and I'm willing to bet that he told you not to talk to your parents about him, because they'd never understand that he wasn't a bad guy. Well, I'm going to tell you that he is a bad guy. Talking to him, even as what you would call "innocent chatting" is dangerous very deep down. Let me prove it... Don't you think of him a lot? Don't you wonder if he's thinking about you? Are you looking forward to your next time online with him? He is effecting you deep down. He is a threat to you.

I'm sure that you feel that I'm wrong and he'd never in a million years harm you because he is so sweet and nice and friendly. You wanted us to be candid - so that's what I'll be... no respectable and reasonable man wants a relationship with a teenage girl. I want to call you a 'young lady' because I'm afraid that one-too-many 'girls' is going to drive you away from my answer, but I need you to understand that you are still a girl, and that is not a bad thing. You still have things to learn and experience that will prepare you for womanhood down the road a few years. NONE of those things involve a 48 year old man. NONE OF THEM! He cannot get you to womanhood faster, he cannot bring you happiness or love faster, he can do NOTHING benficial to you.

He is pedophile. While you say nothing has happened between you two, and I hope to God that that is true, he has probably attempted something with someone else. This man is a threat. It is not normal under any circumstance for a grown man to try and develop an intimate relationship/friendship with a teenage girl . PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT HE DOES NOT REALLY LOVE YOU - REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE SAYS, HE IS A PEDOPHILE AND HE IS DANGEROUS. IF GIVEN THE CHANCE HE WILL HARM YOU GREATLY. IF YOU BELIEVE NOTHING ELSE THAT I SAY, PLEASE BELIEVE THIS.

Look, you were mature enough to want to ask Chuck and I for our thoughts, so that shows me a lot. The next people you need to talk to are your parents. Yeah, yeah... I was 15 once too and I know how parents can be to teenagers, but now I'm a parent and I know that I would want my child to come to me. But, if you're not going to talk to your parents - then find a teacher at school that you trust and talk to him or her, or find someone at your church and talk to them. Let them backup what I'm saying with some quality face time. You really need to talk to someone close to you, an adult that you trust. I'm sure this 48 year old fellow said a lot of things that you liked and I'm sure he said some things that, deep down, you may have wanted to hear, but you have to be strong and you have a lot of life to experience and you have to move forward without him.

If you take my advice, and the advice I'm positive Chuck will give you, and this guy refuses to stop chatting with you, or he insists that you two remain "just friends" I want you to contact your local police department or FBI office and talk to them. Remember YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING ILLEGAL and you WILL NOT BE IN ANY TROUBLE. Okay? Okay-

If you have ANY followup questions or comments, feel free to shoot me and Chuck another E-Mail anytime!!! Take care -

CHUCK: I am so glad that you brought this question to us. Because although you claim to like this man, and it's clear that you like the attention, deep down, you feel that something is not right about this relationship. Go with that feeling.

I don't know if this guy is a bonafide, full-time, trolling-for-young-girls pedophile, or just a dabbling pervert. But he can do just as much damage to you regardless of where on the deviant scale he resides. He lives in Canada, he doesn't want any pictures, he's made no effort to see you. These are most likely just ploys to keep you from freaking out too early.

I guarantee you that the longer you keep up this correspondence, the more efforts he will make to bridge the gap between you. These predators are very wary and patient these days, and they will take as long as they need to to determine that you are genuine, and they are not being set up.

Why is a 48-year-old man flirting with a 15-year-old over the internet? A girl the age of his own daughters? This man is not wired right, plain and simple. I know that it's flattering to be courted this way. I know that the taboo and the danger of discovery can be romantic. Pedophiles thrive on exploiting these feelings. Again, plain and simple, no 48-year-old man, no matter how he presents himself as he pursues you, means you any good.

As Garland says, tell an adult in your life about these contacts. Do not contact this man anymore yourself. Change your contact info so that he cannot get through to you again. And please, PLEASE tell me you did not send him any info that will allow him to locate you in the *real* world. You seem like a level-headed young lady, so I don't fear for your safety as much as I would someone else. But the fear exists. Please seek some help, and stay in touch.

Breakdown in Communication

2009-12-15T23:31:00.004-05:00

QUESTION: Here's my question.

My boyfriend and I are having a long-distance relationship now as we are in two different countries with great time difference. I am feeling quite pissed with him because he keeps saying that he misses me very much, but he always fails to call me as he promises. Everytime I mention that to him when I call him, he will just apologize but the same thing will happen over and over again. I am really trying to keep my cool about this as I can understand the problem could be with the crazy time difference and his busy work schedule.. but sometimes, I really wonder.. would it die for him to just spare 5 mins to give me a call over his work? It just makes me think that I'm not important to him after all. What do you think?

Thanks!

CHUCK: At this point in the last millennium, if you had a loved one in another country, you would have to write out letters in longhand, post them in the mail, and then wait weeks to receive a reply. But that didn't matter. Lovers would write at length, pages and pages pouring out their feelings with emotion and eloquence. And today you can't even get some blockhead to send you a two-sentence text?

I'm kidding, but I'm serious. For every advance that is supposed to make our lives move more swiftly and conveniently, we just get farther and farther apart. Okay, getting off the soapbox... now.

There's a number of possibilities for your lack of reciprocated communication from your boyfriend: A) He's genuinely busy, and keeps forgeting, B) He hasn't adjusted to any time differences yet, and is reluctant to contact you at weird times, or C) He just can't be bothered. Is it necessarily bad if the answer is C? Well, It's not good. Nobody likes to feel that they''re not important to their lover anymore, but some folks are just not mature or committed enough to be in a long distance relationship.

And if that is the case, you need to know. If he's moved on in his head, and doesn't want to maintain the relationship as it was, he needs to let you know, rather than just let you keep blowing up your phone bill with international charges. So I would ask him if I were you.

I wouldn't be confrontational. But I would let him know that the one-sided communication isn't working for you right now, and you need to know if anything has changed between you. It's likely that even if it has, he'll deny it like he has been. But if you see no change in the way he has not been contacting you immediately thereafter, quietly let it go. At this point, it doesn't sound as though you're losing much, anyway Take care.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Sorry The Old Boy is not holding up his end of the deal.

The time difference could be a big issue, but I'd have to say - If I was at point X on the globe and my wife was at point Y and they were at the worst time zones imaginable, I'd still find time to E-Mail her and speak to her on the phone. Even if I had to set an alarm to wake me up at 3 A.M. and chat with her in a semi-awake haze - I would.

But, that's me.

Any number of things could be in play here with your man. He could be losing interest in your relationship; he could misplacing his priorities and truly forgetting to call you, he could be having the time of his life and living in the moment; or he could be working like a dog and only working, sleeping, eating and shaving. Honestly I don't know. I'll say this - in this day and age with the Internet, computers with cameras, global satelite communications and Express mail - the world has never been smaller. Time zones and continents are minor obstacles when it comes to communication. He could reach you if he wanted to.

My advice - expect that he might be done with your relationship, but talk to him and tell him that you don't understand how he can so easily forget to call you. Ask him if he still wants to be in the realtionship and give him a few days to think about it. Let him know that if he calls back in 2 or 3 days, them maybe he wants things to work, but if he doesn't tell him not to bother at all. And let that be that. But, don't allow a guy to keep you dangling on the hook - you are a woman, not a fish. There is hardly a reason for him not to be calling you on a regular basis, though. None at all.

Best of luck to you.

We're Baaaack!

2009-12-15T23:09:00.004-05:00

Hello everyone! Thanks to everybody who has checked in on our blog since our last post back in October. What was supposed to be a week or two of downtime, has somehow turned into a two month hiatus. However, we have not stopped our blog and we still hope to be able to share candid, unbiased and hopefully HELPFUL opinions and insight. We plan on having our first Q&A post on Wednesday, December 16th. Please check it out - and thanks for reading...

WHATAREMENTHINKING.BLOGSPOT.COM

WAMT Problems!!!!!

2009-10-26T21:06:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone-

Thanks for checking out our blog. We've gotten a bit behind in some of our questions and I'm sorry about that - it's mostly my fault. My computer has crashed and let's just say that my employer doesn't like paying me to blog, so my time online has been cut down quite a bit. I'm going to try to get my answers to ALL of our questions answered THIS WEEK! Please stop by this weekend!!! Thanks a lot!!!

-Garland

The Man-Child and the Nag

2009-10-14T23:17:00.003-04:00

QUESTION: I've been involved with someone for approx 2 1/2 years now and it has gone from casual dates to a more "serious" relationship. I don't think at this age (early 30s) anyone comes without scars of some sort of baggage so I'll summarize the pros and cons of our situation because I'm wondering if there is really any future.

My problem with him is his all around immaturity about things from relationships to just daily life. He doesn't want to grow up. He admits he has commitment issues, not just in relationships but to anything from a cell phone contract to a home loan. In the past he has been less-than-forthcoming about his "friendships" which he's later confessed at some drunken moments had gotten sexual. While we weren't officially a couple at the time, the irresponsible behavior is an issue for me because 1)how do I know it won't happen again like he says and 2)the obvious health/honesty/trust factor of infidelity. W

On the flip side, even with these issues, while not on paper (the house is in my name) we live together for over a year and share all household expenses. When things are good, they are good. He is supportive emotionally and financially, gives me most anything I can ask for, is attentive and engaged in the relationship. He has difficulty verbalizing how he feels at times, but does always says that he loves me, and says he knows that I am who he wants to settle down with. So there has to be the BUT....He says I am who he wants to marry BUT he is not ready for that level of commitment. We only argue about this issue. He claims he is not involved with anyone else, but there are signs that he is lying. i know he still wants to go out, enjoys flirting and hates to feel like he has to report to me. If he can't commit now after all this time, can he really know that he wants to be with me?

My problem is that I can be a huge nag, forcing an issue for discussion even when I know he is not prepared to talk about it. Bigger than that for me is trust or lake there of. Most guys I've dated were not ready to commit. Often they professed that they were, yet were cheating. I also have violated my current bf's space by reading his text messages when he was being less than fully honest. When I push an issue or ask him where he was over and over, he feels pressured and he pulls back saying he's not ready for a relationship. I remind him its hard to say you are not ready for a relationship when you live with someone and have joint financial responsibilities and to either sh!t or get off the pot as the expression goes. While he knows he hasn't done 100% right by me at all times, he feels I do not give him credit for his efforts and only criticize.

I've seen improvements in how he handles our relationship, and in his ability to express himself but at the same time still feel that he is very immature and has a ways to go before he's ready to commit. I always hear people say that if a guy is into you, that's just it, no if's and's or but's. I would like for us to stop the games and get married but wonder if this a case of just waiting in vain for someone who is not really into me? Or should I give it more time?

CHUCK: Yes, at a certain point in our lives, we all can say that we've had experiences that may have colored our lives, or tainted us. But should that mean we should not move forward, and just allow our pasts to leave us paralyzed? I don't think so.

Your boyfriend is very lucky. Not only have you allowed him to move in with you, despite an immaturity and irresponsibility in matters personal and financial, but you've allowed him to hold your relationship hostage with his indecisiveness about your future. And despite these negatives, you STILL want to marry him? Ah, love...

Two and a half years is sufficient time for him to decide if he wants to marry you. Trust me. All that fear of committment stuff is just horseshit. He has probably decided that he'll hang around with you until his hand is forced and you finally kick him out. He says he loves you, and he probably does, but he loves his rootless life even more.

But you're not blameless here, either. Your admitted nagging and lack of trust, although exacerbated by your man's bad behavior, make you not the best risk for the long haul, either. If I was the least bit indecisive about being with you, things like spying on my cell phone would be enough to put you in the "lose" column. No one, even the untrustworthy, like not to be trusted. I would ask you to consider your own conduct, and the contribution you may be making to your own miserable state.

As I don't believe that this man will agree to marry you, despite the considerable pressure you could put to bear on him, you have some thinking to do. Do you want to continue living with him, despite the idea that there may be little future in it, or are you ready to get off the pot, as they say? These are decisions that you should probably make on your own, as trying to include him in them may appear to him as if you are giving him an ultimatum. Love is good, but it sounds as though you want a future.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I think that you might be looking at marriage to this guy as a good thing or as a cure all for your problem plagued relationship. Marriage to him would be is neither. The term "Marriage" does not translate in "Magic" in any language I have been able to find. Don't think that because you go out and spend thousands of dollars and countless hours of prep time to set up a wedding, and then jump the broom that suddenly your man-child is going to become a grown up, responsible, monagamus, man. It doesn't work that way. He still has a lot of playing and growing up to do and to be 100% honest, he'll never truly respect you even if he ever "settles" for you. The reasoning is this: He'll never be able to respect a woman that stood by his side knowing that he was still running the streets and treating her any old kinda' way. He'll look at her as somewhat pitiful and he'll consider himself doing her a 'favor' by allowing her to call him "Her Man."

I really hate to see guys dangling "marriage to them" as some kind of prize in front of women. And even more, I hate to see women buying it and waiting with bated breath until their men run out of options [and girlfriends] and decide to "settle" for them.

I think your guy is going to hang on to you until he has done all that he wants to do, this includes dating, sneaking and hooking up with as many women as he can. After 2 years and plenty of sexual confessions, you've shown him that you are good and patient. He's gonna string you along for quite a while. Be ready.

But, I think you too are not ready for a relationship, much less a MARRIAGE. Sneaking his cell phone, nagging, suspicions, arguments... no, you are not ready either. But, that's okay. It is okay to not be ready for a relationship. That is a good thing. It is your heart's way of telling you that something isn't right. PLEASE LISTEN - There are other fish in the sea! Please unhitch your wagon from this falling star. Look at your boyfriend as a stock. You bought 100 shares for $2 a piece 2 years ago and now he's worth $1.05 a share. It's okay to sell him now! He's not going to be worth much more for a long time. Cut your losses and move on while you can... I.E. While you are not pregnant, not legally bound, not wearing his name as a tat on your back, and still young and attractive.

A Simple Question -

2009-09-27T23:15:00.002-04:00

QUESTION: Hi, I read your blog often and find it to be very insightful.
I have a complicated situation (don't most of those asking for advice) but it all boils down to a very simple question.

I've been with my boyfriend for three years and the relationship has gotten progressively more serious. We live together and he's very supportive emotionally and financially.
Question is this - Is it possible for a man to be honest when he says that he loves me and knows that he wants to settle down with me soon, yet still be involved with other women?

Thanks

CHUCK: My simple answer to that question: No. Okay, that's maybe too simple.

This man may want to settle down with you someday, but he feels the need to sow his wild oats, so he wants to spread himself around some first. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, as long as he isn't violating a commitment to you, and he's careful not to bring any diseases to your relationship.

However... Some men just use talk like that as a stall. Five years later, he could conceivably still be telling you that he needs to play the field... just a little longer. And, let's face it, there's guys who feel as though there's always someone "better" out there, so how long are you willing to wait?

The bottom line for me is this: I question just how much a man can really love you if he is willing to lose you while you wait to see if he gets his head on straight. That puts a different face on it, doesn't it? If you do not care to wait on this man, while you know he is going around with other women, simply do not do it. If this man's hand is forced, he may have to decide if he wants these other women more than he wants you. And that is not an unreasonable question to ask.

Garland: Thanks for your question. Like Chuck, I say "Nay."

Your man says he loves you... and you ASSUME he wants to settle down with you soon... but he needs to be 'involved' with other women...

Okay, where do I begin? So you say that he 'knows he wants to settle down with you soon," Please keep in mind that this statement is probably only one of two things - A Lie or An Assumption. A guy that lives with you and still goes out into the street meeting and sleeping with other women until he's bored enough to come back to you sounds like a scrub to me. Scrubs are liars by nature in My Book.

I just don't think this guy is honest with you. You are probably serving a purpose to him that you might not even grasp. Maybe you are the half of the rent he can't afford, maybe you are the good credit that he doesn't have for utility service, maybe you are the half of the cable bill that he can't afford, maybe you own the car he can't afford to buy... it could be anything. I just don't like your situation, I don't like a guy that CLEARLY strings you along with tales of, "You know I love you baby, and as soon as I have hooked up with every girl in a six-mile radius I'm going to pretend to respect you, even in public."

I think you should demand more for yourself. You are being lied to and being played. Why do you think that you should allow a man that claims to care about you to go out, wine, dine, entertain, share with, laugh with, sleep with, shower with and be with other women until... until... until... he has nothing else better to do than to treat you like a classy lady worthy of a faithful monogamous... let's say it together MO-NOG-A-MOUS... relationship? You deserve better and only YOU can establish just what you will and won't accept.

No, a man cannot honestly say he loves you, and he'll settle down with you after he's finished lovin' these other women. See - let me tell you - LOVE, real LOVE has a way of making a man come home at night. Real LOVE makes a man decide, "Ain't no woman like the one I got!" When a man is in Real LOVE he doesn't need to set a timer in front of his woman and say "when this timer hits zero, I'll choose you over them." A man in Real LOVE is all about his woman and his woman only.

Bare Bones Relationship

2009-09-18T00:00:00.002-04:00

QUESTION: What a great blog! I really like that you guys give honest, open frank advice.

So here's my situation,

In my dating life, I am always told that I am too intimidating because I happen to be a very well educated independent woman...being mindful of this, I try to only date guys who are equally well educated, assuming that those types won't be intimidated by me. Well about 3 years ago, I met a guy at a conference, who I felt was equally well educated and we talked very briefly after he invited me into a conversation he was having with a group of friends. I was suprised he even knew my name but I joined the conversation for about 10 minutes and then we did not really talk again, although I saw him at a couple of parties after then, I would just say hi and that would be it. Well, about 2 years ago, I added him as a friend on FB, and saw that on his status that he was working overseas in a country I was planning to visit the next month. I send him a private message saying that I was coming to the country, wanted to know if there were any great places to go in the area.

He responded with he would still be in the area when I got there and asked me to let me know when I was around. The next month, after I arrived in the country, I sent him a FB Message saying I was there and he responded telling me to call him. I waited about 3 days and then called. We talked but did not make plans to meet since he was going out of the country the next day. He got back in the country the next week and sends me a FB msg saying he was back and that we should hang out sometime in the week. I was out of town that day but sent him a message to let him know I would be back the next day and I would call him. However, the next day I got busy and waited until the following day to call him and when we talked, he asked me if I wanted to get together that night, I said that it was too late to do so but didn't explain why (I could not because of security in the neighboorhood I stayed having a 7 pm curfew). He immediatly back tracked and says that its okay, I should come to this group dinner he was having the next night for a friend. I go and meet all his friends. The party was fun but again I had to leave early and didn't tell him why (same security reasons) He asked me to stay once, but I said no.

After that I sent him a message to say that I was leaving the country and explained why I left early during the group dinner and let him know that if he was ever back in my city back in the US, he should let me know. A couple of months later, he was back in the states and sent me a FB message asking how I was doing. We communicate for the next few months over FB because it turned out that he was moving permantely out of the country. During this time, he never took more than a week to respond to any FB message I sent him and neither did I. After about 3 months, we fell out of contact and he sent me a message about 5 months after we fell out of contact, wishing me happy birthday and asking me what I was up to. I responded the next day thanking him and asking him what he was up to and how he liked living abroad. He waits 3 months to respond to that message and says he was sorry, didn't see the msg...etc. I respond immediatly, saying that it was okay, we go back and forth over FB message for the next month or so. During this time period, I let him know that I was coming to the country he was in for work around Christmas time and he suggests that we meet up again when I get there. We fall out of contact because he didn't respond to one message I sent him so I just wait and message him 3 months later when I am in his country and he suggests we get together for drinks. I was about 20 minutes late in meeting him and he mentioned my lateness at least 3 times during the evening as if he couldn't believe I had him waiting. I apologized and blamed it on poor driving conditions in the country. Also, I assumed it was going to be just us getting drinks and it ends up being him, me and some friends of his that were visting from the U.S. as well (3 guys, 1 girl). During the get together, I felt he spent most of his time, trying to impress his friends. Making comments like "o man you can't come by the house later tonight because I'll be busy" and laughing which I felt was like the equivalent of him saying he and I were going to have sex that night. Also, at some point, the water brings my unmixed drink and I am forced to mix it myself. In doing so I spill it and I tell him that I would not have spilled it if he had just poured it for me. He says "Oh you know you independent woman, I didn't ask to help you because you might say, I can pour my own drink" I simply replied, I would never say that. Anyway, his friends left and when he and I just sat down to talk, the conversation was good. I felt like when he stop putting on a show for his friends and actually talked to me it was nice. After some time, he started talking about work and a project he really had to finish and looking down at his blackberry, so I took that as a cue to end the evening. We hugged goodbye and he asked me to call him when I got home. I get home and discovered all the electricity was out (remember foreign country!) plus I had been drinking quite a bit so I call him and I say I am home but there is a problem, all the lights are out and I am all by myself and I asked if he wanted to come over an entertain me. He chuckled and said no, that he really had to finish this project he was working on. I felt hurt and rejected because in my mind, I was clearly asking him to come over and have sex with me. The next day, he sent me a text message that said something like..."sorry I couldn't come over last night, I hope everything was okay" I responded saying I was fine and that I hoped his project went well. I didn't hear from him again and I left the country 4 days after our last communication. No communication between the two of us for about 2 months. Then he sends me a FB message saying that he was in the U.S. and hadn't heard from me so he wanted to check on me. I responded the next day with I was good and asking how he was. He doesn't respond for 5 months and then two days ago sends me a message saying he was sorry, he thought he had already responded but hadn't. Then he tells me he recently left his job, was thinking about starting his own business, and asked how things were with me. I saw this message and was hurt. 5 months of non-communication is unacceptable and I had already put him out my mind...but the message brought him to the forefront and it had me thinking again about how much I like him and how great we'd be together.

Now, I want to respond to his message but my pride won't let me because he waited so long to respond to my last message. Plus, I am tired of the nice cordial FB messages, I want to know if he's interested in me or not, its been almost 2 years of the random communication and I am sick of it. I would like to get to know each other on a serious level and maybe even start a relationship if he comes back to the US soon. Anyway, I am confused by his actions...nothing he has done shows clear interest to me but if he's not interested, then why is he stringing me along, it can't be for the sex, because I feel like I already offered that to him and he declined. So what is it? What should I do, Haven't I "put myself" out there enough for him to get it and shouldn't I assume he just doesn't want to get it or have I been sending mixed messages this whole time? How do I be clearer about what I want from him? Is this something, I can do over FB, or something I should ask him to call me from overseas to explain?

CHUCK: The police officer at an accident I passed the other night said it best: Move along, folks. Nothing to see here. In all of your two years of FB messages, international travel, mild flirting, and near curfew violations, you have not even come close to being in a relationship with this man. You're not even in the ballpark.

I can understand how you might think, what with the international distance that is frequently between you, that you must be missing out on something great with this guy. But the fact is that the geographic distance is less of an obstacle than the emotional distance. If you were truly meant to be together, once you were in the same country with him, you would rush to be near his side, and vice versa. Instead, you let days go by, call him as an afterthought, spend most of your time together in the company of his friends, and hurry away to meet your curfew. And when you're not in the same country, he lets long periods of time lapse between contacting you. You'd have to admit: this is far from the Greatest Love Story Ever Known.

I think that what's happened here is you've built up a relationship with this man in your head, more from conjecture and speculation than on actual events. A guy who goes five months without contacting you at all is NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. It seems as though the closest you have come to this guy was when he was trying to put some awkward show on for his friends by flirting with you. But that may have been just him being a prick. And having sex with you has progressed so far out of the realm of possibility with him, that he completely misses your hints that he should come over and get some.

If you want to really get together with this guy, and it is still possible, it time to finally put some meat on this relationship's bones. You have never said that you have made a direct appeal to this man's affections. Maybe now is the time for that. Send him an FB message, to reserve a time to SPEAK TO HIM on the phone. Let him know how you've been feeling about the possibilities to enrich your relationship together. See how he feels. If he feels the same, you approaching him directly might shock him out of the complacency that allows him to treat your messages so cavilierly. If he doesn't feel the same, well, what have you lost, anyway? Give it a shot. Good luck.

GARLAND: I'm going to disagree with Chuck on this one. His answer started with what I'm thinking... "Move along. Nothing to see here." but he finished with a splash of optimism. I'm just not in agreement.

I think that after two years and international travels and back and forth and FB messages this and FB messages that, I just don't think hunting this fellow down for swing at a relationship would be in your best interest.

Just to grab a few specific points you made - the pouring of the drink... I am amazed that you could remember such a specific fact. I kinda' have to agree with your friend on this one - the first thing you told Chuck and I was that you were very independant. I'm pretty sure a strong, intelligent and independent woman wouldn't suddenly fall helpless to a few shot glasses of liquid and a shaker of ice. I think he knew the score on that one. And, as far as him telling his friends, "I'm gonna be busy later tonight..." Isn't that what he told you too? Didn't he say he had a project for his job to work on? I think he was talking about working on his project, and you thought he was talking about working on you!

Also, the whole 'inviting him over for sex' on the same night he tells you he has an important project for work... well, that's pretty selfish on your part. You could have invited him over on any night of the week, but you wanted him to choose YOU over his job. You wanted him to go to work the next day shorthanded, so you could show him that you're the boss. I think that it is good that he even spoke to you after that one - if that was me, and you pulled that kind of power-struggle move on me, I would have kicked you to the curb. But that's not answering your question...

I think for your sake you should write this guy off. He probably thinks that you are a nice person and he likes keeping up with you on FB and maybe having a drink or two now and then. But if this guy wanted to date you or be in love with you, I think he would have made it clear by now. I think you are arranging him and your feelings for him in a manner that makes him seem like he could be [or should be] The One. I think that is a title that he probably doesn't want. You and your time are more valuable than that. I think your efforts are better spent on a guy that is there with you, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Thanks for your question, and best of luck to you!

The Rattle of THE SNAKE... PART 1

2009-08-21T23:10:00.007-04:00

GARLAND: This is one of those times where I want to use Me and Chuck's blog for a little personal rant. I have seen first-hand, some foolish things and in just the last year or so, I have seen some things that have left me speechless, baffled and all around amazed. It is too late for some people I know, but it may not be too late for others.

The Rattle of THE SNAKE.

Let's say that you were walking in the woods on a hot summer day. And then in the tall grass a few feet in front of you, you hear a rattle. It is an intense and scary rattle. You know that it is, in fact, a RATTLESNAKE. What do you do?

I'm going to assume that many of you would do just like I would. Turn around quietly, walk a few steps and then run in the opposite direction. But, there are still a number of people who will ignore the rattle and trod straight into a deadly snake bite. Why? For any number of reasons including; arrogance, ignorance, low self esteem, defiance, desperation, denial, you name it - the list goes on and on.
As foolish as walking toward a rattling snake sounds, women do this everyday, except the rattle is the spoken word and the snake is a man.

Ladies, let me just open your eyes to some things... some lame things that SOME guys are going to try lay on you to get you to trust them, to date them, to sleep with them, to probably give them money and to quite probably get dumped and heartbroken by them:

Listen up!

THE LORD, sent me to you...

Ladies, especially Sista's, let me tell you - BUMS know that there are [some] women out there that pray for a man, or they pray for a Godly man, or they try to tie their worship into their desire for a man - not every woman does this, but let's keep it real - SOME women are praying and waiting for GOD to send them a man. BUMS - when they are really hungry for a victim, will show up at your church on Sunday looking like a million bucks. They'll scope out the women sitting alone [like a wolf, they'll hunt the sheep that stands alone, away from the flock] and they'll take a peek at the ring finger and before long they want to share a hymnal or a bible and then they'll make their move. BEWARE ladies, of any man that says the LORD spoke to, sent him, or in any way brought the two of you together in that place at that time. Don't let a BUM trick you into foolishly believing that he is heaven sent! Don't fall for this for a minute! Using the Lord's name as part of his rap is a RATTLE, ladies - run from it!

No Luv for HIS SHORTIES...

If a man tells you that he has one or more kids but he doesn't see them for any number of reasons, including:

Their Mama is crazy...
Their Mama don't let me see'em...
My car is always in the shop...
The bus don't run to that side of town...
My Baby-Mama's Brothers are always wanting to fight me...
I'm a little back on my support payments...
I'm gonna' get over there...
If I see their Mama, me and her are gonna' be arguing...
They are better off without me right now...
I'm not where I need to be to be a Dad right now...
I'm still tryin' to get myself together...
My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them...

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him.

Let me say that again.

Leave his sorry ass, right where you found him!

Believe it or not, I actually had this one sorry fellow use that last line in front of me in a conversation a few months ago. He has two kids that, by his own admission, he has only seen twice in two years and he said with a straight face, "My kids understand that my job keeps me away from them." This guy is not some cop, or some Government guy assigned overseas, or a professional athelete, he works a job that can be done almost anywhere! To this day, I truly regret not calling his pathetic, triflin' behind on the carpet on that one! Everyone knew that this guy was a sorry sack of crap when we all first met him, everyone that is except for the woman that wanted so badly to be His Girlfriend. True to BUM form, he has since abandoned her with another child that he'll never see.

Ladies, 99% of the time a true man will do anything in the world to try and see his children. Regardless of how much he and his Baby-Mama don't get along. A true man will use the courts, he'll swallow his pride, he'll leave his Boyz behind, he will do all that he can do to see his kids and be a part of their lives. Real Men won't leave behind them, a trail of little father-less children that he claims that he "takes care of" by sending each of his Baby-Mama's $26 a month. Real Men don't abandon their kids and Real Men don't feel the need to breed like a stable-horse and have many, many kids by many, many women. Ladies, consider how a man handles his fatherly situation as a RATTLE. What do you do?

You're gonna' be my WIFEY...

Some BUMS out there will dangle "Marriage" in front of a woman's face like some grand prize. They'll use it to get things they want or they'll use it to keep their women "in line." Ladies, don't lose your perspective when a man starts talking about marriage. When a man starts talking about getting married or engaged, be very very cautious. He might be legit, but move slowly and keep your eyes wide open! For some guys, this is a RATTLE. Your man might be getting reading to pull an oakie-doke on you. Tread carefully.

Also, be very leery of a man that needs to borrow money from YOU to buy YOUR engagement ring! Ladies - please don't fall victim to this lame scheme. Any man that needs to borrow money from you in order to put a ring on your finger needs to get himself together. Sure, times get tough for everybody but make sure you aren't getting played. There are few things worse than getting emotionally dumped and then being stuck with a $4000 bill to pay for the ring that reminds you that you got dumped in the first place.

Another thing that I've seen from BUMS and the women that foolishy love them, is when the women start lying to themselves. Ladies, you are not engaged to a man until he has truly asked you to marry him! Ideally this is supported with a wedding ring of some sort, or some other traditional gesture of commitment based on where they are. If your man has NOT formally asked you to marry him, then ladies - you are NOT engaged to him! I have seen some women telling everyone with an ear that, "Jimmy and I are engaged..." I've seen this said as if saying it to enough people would make it true, or saying it to enough would force 'Jimmy's' hand somehow. I've also seen some women just start calling their BUM boyfriends "My Husband" when he has neither proposed to OR married them. Don't let a BUM play you by using marriage as some kind of bait or prize. Listen for the RATTLE ladies!!!

Chuck and I are going to spend a little time on this subject in the coming week or so. So, I'm going to stop here and let this sit with you all for a while. Thanks for reading and please think hard about what I'm saying-

-G