Definition of a Bum

QUESTION: Now here is the real deal Hollyfield on EX.... and yes I amembarrassed to be dealing with this.

EX is broke. Not kinda broke. Not something like a broke. Negro is BROKE. He hasn't had a job since I met him. And I dealt with that. Heis not a citizen and he lost his green card so I can understand that.BUT IT HAS BEEN A YEAR. We go out EVERY WEEKEND...a hundred here...twohundred there...five hundred here and there. And it is all coming outof my bank account. *No I don't make that much* He is always depressedabout not having money and I always try to be supportive by spendingmine... foolishness.

I got a cell phone in my name for him...he ran the bill up 500.00 amonth to where I owed freaking Verizon 2000.00. Didn't pay bill one,but always talking. He would have these get quick rich schemes where Iwould put up money and then they would fail. I have given him money totake care of his folks and all that. Did I mention he lives with hisparents? I am having a fit.... Anyway, why his parents don't let himborrow money I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE...yes the cussing is coming out.

Every time I bring up money it becomes my fault. He hates that he everborrowed it BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hell I hate it too.

Granted on all accounts, EX used to make big dough. He used to do"dirt" for a long time and now is too damn old and didn't saveanything. I truly believe that he can do better...I just don'tunderstand why he won't.

He goes on these freaking "trips" where he drives around to differentjobsites around the country with his friend. He says it's to makemoney SO WHY IS HE ALWAYS BROKE? He spends more money with take outand hotels than he makes. He can be broke at home. Then he asks me formoney.....

I AM LIKE NEGRO YOU JUST CAME OFF A TRIP WHERE IS YOURMONEY? But do I say that? No. Why? Because I don't want to be abitch...but damn this shit is getting old. *Sorry more cursing tocome*. I am tired of being a standup woman. I am tired of meeting nice guysand not being able to give them my full attention because I am stuckon stupid.

Case in point. A friend of his has him getting hooked up for a job. SOWHY IS HE ON THE ROAD TO TAMPA? He needs to stay his ass home and sitby the phone. I don't understand what the hell he is thinking. If hethinks I am going to pay for his fucking green card replacement he cankiss my black ass....

Relax Relax Relax. Yes I know you miss your kids. Yes I know that both of your parentsare dying. But is that reason to give up, or to get it together? I gowith GET IT TOGETHER! I am 24 he is 39...what kind of man is coolwith being in a situation where I am basically taking care of him? Iam sure that I will speak to him later and smooth things over. I amsure that I will regret putting all of his business on here. But rightnow I don't and right now I need this.

Whew!

GARLAND: This is both one of the easiest and one of the hardest questions I've seen in a long time doing this blog with my man, Chuck.

This is the easy part:
What kind of man is cool with being in a situation where you [his woman] are taking care of him? A bum.

Your "boy" [because I refuse to call the piece of crap you described a 'man'] is a bum. He is a worthless, lazy, lying, good for nothing, drug dealing bum. That's it. Nothing more, nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering... your boy is a bum. But let's be 100% up front here. You knew he wasn't about shit when you met him. Come on... don't pretend... you knew from the second you gave him the digits that he was a loser!

This is the hard part:
You might get mad at me for the harshness in what I'm about to say. But I tell folks on this blog that I speak in my writing the same way I'd speak to my very own sister. So here goes.

You knew this guy was a piece of crap when you met him. You even say he used to make "big bucks doing dirt". So you knew he was a drug dealer. Why would you even mess with a drug dealer?

Lets keep it real here. For you to give a man all your damn money and your time and let him lie to you in your face is absolutely insane! And please don't call yourself a standup woman. You were a fool, straight up, and you know it - [Thats what is pissin me off! YOU KNEW IT! You and so many other women sometimes KNOW you are being your own worst enemy! Yet, for some reason, you continue to allow yourself to be abused.]. You played yourself over some bum that ain't worth the change in the cushions on your sofa! You let him constantly lie to you and mooch your cash, YOUR finances, YOUR future, YOUR capital... and I'm gonna tell you what else... you let him mooch your welfare. No, not Government 'welfare' - I'm talking about your pesonal mental and health 'welfare.' If you are riding around and partying and clubbin' and hangin' out with a low down, lying, triflin', drug dealer then you are running the risk of being arrested, or even murdered by being in his company. And, please don't think I'm exaggerating, because I'm not.

And just incase you are telling your computer screen, "He's not a drug dealer anymore!" WAKE UP, your boy is NOT going around looking for jobs and visiting job sites. He is what law enforcement calls, 'pushing weight.' He is moving and/or escorting large drug transactions. Don't lie to yourself - you know what time it is. Your boy probably has a fat stash of cash tucked away in mom and dads crib and YOU are helping to keep it fat by supporting his criminal ass!

I'm asking you here to stop lying to yourself. How can you honestly think this boy is any good for you? YOU are playing yourself worse than he is playing you. That's just the truth here. I mean, what kind of man can TRULY make a woman feel guilty for giving him money and then expecting him to appreciate it. A bum can. A bum with a woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her like shit. Let me say that part again... A woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her... treat her... treat her like shit.

YOU are helping him to screw you over.
YOU are enabling a worthless bum to play you for a fool.
YOU are throwing thousands of dollars into a flaming bottomless pit.
YOU are declaring yourself worthless and undeserving of decency.
YOU have deemed a bum, more important than yourself.
And please don't say, "I love him." Because I refuse to allow people to use their misconception of what "love" is as an excuse to allow others to crap on them.

So there we have it. You have a guy that you give most of your money to. He hits you with the guilt trip when you discuss giving your money to him. He's a drug dealer who cries poor-mouth and you foolishly buy into it. He travels but has 'no job.' You fund his weekends AND his get rich schemes. You've given him +$2000 in cellphone use. And last but not least, his parents are smart enough to not give him money, THE PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT HIS ASS INTO THE WORLD ARE SMART ENOUGH NOT TO GIVE HIM MONEY, but for some reason YOU think that YOU are so worthless that you can't find a better way to spend your hard earned money on yourself. I bet you'd have a fat "ING Direct" account right now if you had been honest with yourself when you first met him and took all the money you'd foolishly invested in his sinking ship of an ass, and opened an account. Lord, it would probably be five figures right this very second, and I'd be thinking that you were a saavy and 'holdin' it down' kinda' Sista. But instead, I'm wondering when you and your drug dealer boyfriend are gonna' get caught in the line of fire.

And, you are talking about smoothing things over. What freakin' planet are you from? What is there to smooth over with a bum that has taken thousands of dollars in cash from you, has lied to you, used you and is putting your life in danger by just having your number in his cellphone? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, go look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I deserve to be treated like shit?" Do it, and then answer truthfully. If the answer is no, then burn ALL bridges with your boy. If the answer is yes, then go call him and smooth things over. But please remember that I'm telling you now, right here, right now, that all the grief and all of the foolishness that comes into your life from your boy, from this moment on... you bring on yourself. Please remember that. You can stop this madness right here. Lose this guy, please. I don't know who you are, but it saddens me knowing that you are going to ruin [and possibly lose] your life over a boy that is telling you in bold faced letters that you aren't worth a damn, your trust isn't worth a damn, your character isn't worth a damn, and your very soul isn't worth a damn.

I hope your E-Mail to us was a deep down cry for someone to slap your face and tell you to stop bullshittin' yourself and get your shit together. Because THAT is what I hope I did!

CHUCK: Wow. What can I say? Ditto?

Do I need a boyfriend?

QUESTION: Hey C&G,
I want a man's opinion and I want it now!
I got into a fight with a guy in my office today and I've been thinking about it ever since. Not a fight, fight but an argument.

I was in the hallway near my office talking to two of my girlfriends and a guy named DeShawn. I was telling them that I was spending the week at my parents house, which is something I like to do every few months. DeShawn asked was my house being painted or was something wrong with it. I told him no, and that I just like hanging out at home with my parents, so every few weeks I'll pack a suitcase and just chill out in my old my old room for a few nights. He knows that my parents live in the same city as I do, and he says "You've got to get a boyfriend or a goldfish." and he walked away laughing. I didn't think it was funny so I went after him and asked him what he meant. I wasn't trying to start a fight but I wanted know why he said that.

He told me that I spend too much time with my parents and my sisters and I need a boyfriend or a pet to help occupy my time. He was very mean about it and don't agree with him at all. I love my parents and I like to spend time with them. I take trips with them and I stay with them when we travel on vacation and I don't think being 38 means I should spend less time with my parents and sisters. I have two sisters and three nieces that I spend as much time as I can with as well. I love my family, and no, I don't have a man, but one has nothing to do with the other. I date a few times a month but I haen't dated seriously in three years. I didn't like what DeShawn said so I made it clear to him. So is this what other people are thinking about me? Am I in some kind of denial or DeShawn the asshole I think he is?

CHUCK: DeShawn may, in fact, be an asshole, but that doesn't make him wrong. It sounds to me as though you spend a great deal of time with your parents for someone your age. That doesn't make you wrong, either, but it's something you may want to think about.

I have never been a daughter, so I don't claim to have a great view on the special relationship between a woman and her parents. And I'm sure that your parents enjoy the times you spend with them. But is it really fulfilling for an adult to spend so much time with their parents? A lot of parents don't mind smothering their kids. They see it as their job. And they don't see their doting as something that will make you anything less than a fully functioning adult. But, as they say, all things should be done in moderation.

You seem to be torn between what you are comfortable with, and how these things are perceived. If you feel comfortable, as a 38-year-old woman, going on vacation with your parents, okay. But don't expect others to feel the same way about it. And some of those others, tactless as they are, may verbalize those feelings. How you handle those comments is up to you.

Do I think that you're wearing out your welcome with your family? Possibly. They might not be telling you to spare your feelings. Myself, I believe that ideally everyone should be a rounded individual. Maybe you reacted so strongly to DeShawn's ribbing because you wonder if you are a rounded person. Give it some thought. As for DeShawn, hide his stapler or something.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question. I think this is a very interesting issue because Chuck and I and others we know have brushed across this issue a few times in the past.

Let's see, okay - DeShawn may not necessarily be the asshole you make him out to be. An insensitive jerk - maybe, but not quite an asshole. In my opinion he was probably trying to get a laugh at your expense while giving you a bit of advice that most people are too scared to give you. I've found that most often with people, it is the sly joke that reveals the true feelings. I think this is what he was doing.

First - I can't tell you how old is too old to still be "hanging out" with your parents. But again, 99% of people I know don't use the words "hanging out" and "parents" in the same breath. Also, I've noticed this type of "single daughter" / "parent" relationship trend before and I think it's a little uh, 'interesting' to me. Son's don't typically find comfort and joy in "hanging out" with mom and dad like daughters do. Before I got married I would have never even thought about just going to mom and dads to spend a few days, or if they were going on vacation, there is no way I was going to tag along just for the sake of tagging along. That old saying "two's company - three's a crowd" is still true in my book.

Why I think DeShawn isn't an asshole is this. He probably thinks that you spend so much time with your parents and sisters is because you may be lonely and bored. Since I don't know you, I don't really have to sugarcoat it. He was trying to get a laugh I'm sure, but he figures that if you had a boyfriend, a pet, a hobby, some tight-girlfriends, or a really good set of rollerblades - you could fill up your developing second childhood with other stuff. Okay - Okay - the second childhood thing may have been harsh... my bad. But I say that because I had a very similar discussion with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and I heard that phrase and part of me wonders if it is applicable here.

Let me make myself clear: I'm glad you have a good relationship with your parents, but for any adult, regardless of being 28, 38 or 48 to spend large blocks of time spending the night, or travelling or vacationing regularly or just "hanging out" with their parents - in my book, that isn't the healthiest of things to do. I think for some [not all] people that do this, they are avoiding something or trying to replace something in their lives. At some point, the children have to cleave away from the emotional protection of their mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters and forge their own life and own identity. This is probably what DeShawn wanted, but couldn't say to you. He's a little rude, I'll give you that, but I think saying what he did may have been better than saying, "Get a life!" In the same vein, your parents and sisters AREN'T going to say, "Uh, Susie - we want to go to Miami alone this year so you find something else to do, okay."

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'll say push away from mom and dad a bit try some new stuff that isn't so tried and true. And, go buy a goldfish and drop it on DeShawn's desk and tell him, "Now all YOU need is a girlfriend."