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QUESTION: Ok here goes: So I met this guy through work, almost a year and a half ago, he isn’t an employee of the company but he does stop in a few times a week to do business. We would casually have small talk in the beginning, nothing major. But over time, I started to like him and I could tell he started to like me. Several months after meeting, we tried getting together to go out for drinks and things but there was always an issue with one of us so we never really went out. A couple months after that, I don’t even know how it happened, but we started texting each other more and it turned sexual and it came out that we were both were attracted to each other but that if anything would happen, it would just be like a friends with benefits type of thing. After awhile we finally did hook up. Well we only got together that one time since, but we still try to see each other to get together but he’s always so busy with this job and he never has time for anything, even time for himself and his own life.

But since we hooked up that one time, we seem to be getting closer even though we’re haven’t slept each other since. Its still there though, the desire, I know he wants me and he knows I want him. There have been times where I would sneak into the restroom with him and he’d kiss me, make out for a couple minutes. It became a thing we did. But now we go outside to the parking lot where I walk him to his company vehicle and we kiss goodbye there. But he always initiates the kiss. And every time it’s so passionate, he moans every time I kiss him. It’s something in the way he kisses me, I can feel something more behind it. I feel like he has feelings for me but he’s kind of hard to read. I mean, we talk every time he comes in, we’ve messaged each other over other things besides sex. When he comes into my job and sees me, he automatically walks straight to me, we both do and people have noticed it, there’s even a been rumor about us for awhile now.

He’s recently started opening up more to me about himself and his life, he’s asked me my opinion on his appearance, things like that. I’ve been opening up to him too about myself, more so to show him that I want him to feel comfortable opening up to me. I went out of town for a week and he texted me a lot, just to say to be careful and find out about my trip. We’re texting a lot more now, I’m still always trying to give him his space, and sometimes when I do and I don’t text him, he’ll text me out of nowhere to just ask me what I’m doing. I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m almost sure he’s starting to feel something, I can feel it, or something when we’re together, but I don’t want mess things up between us either and tell him that I have feelings for him. It’s like right now, we’re technically not sleeping with each other, but the times that we do see each other at work, after we do our little flirting/talking and everything else, he always wants to kiss me and hold me. That’s why I don’t understand. Most fwb’s just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out. So I don’t understand him. I don’t know what to do. My question is what is he really feeling? What does he really want? Is he scared? Taking it slow or maybe trying to figure out how I feel about him?? HELP! Thanks!

GARLAND: You say that "most FWB's just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out." I'll be real here, that sounds like a very bold statement, very bold and very confident.  Are you certain that MOST FWB's don't want to kiss? Really, so is that a Gallup poll or a CBS poll that found that?

The reason that comment raises my eyebrow is because of the certainty in your claim.  It sounds like someone who has convinced themselves of something and is making broad general statements to make everything nice and neat.

I think this guy wants just what he has, someone to get a little kissing and some heavy petting from.

I certainly don't know how old you are or where you work, but sneaking off to the bathroom for some kissing and snuggling sounds like something teenagers would do or a married man would try to pull off with someone he likes to flirt with.

The fact that you use the word text a lot sends up a bright red flag with me.  Maybe you've never read this blog before, but I hate texters! I hate guys that aren't man enough or don't care enough about a woman to stop his day and CALL HER ON THE PHONE! He lets her hear his voice and he hears her voice.  Phone calls are easy, they take just a few minutes and a modicum of privacy.  A man needs to show a woman that she is worth him stopping his day to see how she is doing.  Texting on the other hand is the lowest of the low when it comes to communications.  A man can be sitting right next to his wife or girlfriend and popping out dozens of texts to any number of women - texting is the best way for a cheater to keep his happy main lady clueless and his clueless lady mainly happy.  Demand More!

Finally, I just going to say it... I haven't blogged in a while and maybe I feel like I need to make up for lost time... You talk about how almost all of your interactions revolve around work and you mention that your co-workers are passing rumors about you - well, I'm sorry but that is not cute.  Your co-workers aren't saying that you two look like peas in a pod or you should be standing on top of a wedding cake together, they are probably saying unflattering things about you and they are wondering why you - probably a nice, reasonable and likeable woman are sneaking into dirty bathrooms and wandering lovingly out into a parking lot to hold hands with a guy that spoon feeds his time and affection to you.

If you don't demand more - you'll get what you ask for. 

You seem to acknowledge that you are fine with being Friends With Benefits, and you are fine with being at arms length with this guy's TRUE affections and you are fine with being someone that he has to take into a bathroom to be close to. You seem to be fine with the fact that that is what he wants from you. You asked if he is scared and I assume he's not scared of anything, aside from his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend finding out about you.

What is he feeling?  He's feeling pretty happy that you aren't asking for anything from him. 


So what's new, Mama?

QUESTION: Okay, so Me and this guy we were great friends and then we crossed that line. Well we saw each other for about 10 months but we had an understanding and kept things quiet. I guess we were in a relationship with no defined title. After about 11 months he tells me he can't do this anymore...he doesn't want to hurt me  but he doesn't think he could ever feel the way I feel about him and blah blah I was heartbroken. It's been a month...and he sends me this text " I hope you've been well.." . I didn't know how to respond or if I should what does this mean? I told him we couldn't be friends Bc I likes him too much and I needed time and space. Is he trying to be friends with me or is this just a bs way of making himself feel better a month later?

GARLAND: It could actually mean either one. My eyebrow is raised though because he's the one that broke things off.

While the intent of this blog has never been for us, well now - me, to speak for all men or to pretend to be a mind reader, I do want to share what I think is a fairly typically perspective from myself and my fellow Men.

As I said, he broke things off and this was after almost a of year being Friends with Bennies.  Now, if he had caught feelings for you, I think he would have wanted to step things up and make your relationship more open and public.  But, saying he'll never feel the same about you, sounds like a safe way to leave you and move on to something or someone new.  I will give him a few points for not continuing to be intimate with you while moving on possibly to a new partner as well.  So at least he ended what you all were doing when he felt the time had come, a lot of guys may not have done that.

So what does the quaint text mean? Probably one of three things: (1) He's thinking about you and genuinely wants to say hello and just see how you are. (2) He's feeling guilty and wants a subtle chance to clean up his goodbye so he doesn't seem like such a dirtbag. (3) He could be missing the intimacy and wants to try and re-light the flame.  Keep in mind that there are exactly 3.278 other reasons why he could have sent the text, I just went with what I think are the top three.

I can't get any closer to an idea because I was only given a fixed amount of information, but I'd recommend that if.. IF... you decide to reply.  Less is More!  Be brief with your answer.  Don't go into a lot of detail about missing him, or being angry, or being lonely, or being happy, or anything like that.  Tell him something positive and short... "Hey, I'm good. Nice to hear from you." or "I'm doing well. I hope you are too. Take care."

I like the latter one the best.  Polite with some closure.  Make him decide if he wants to talk more, or if he wants to let things stay closed.  Regardless of what you want or what he wants, I recommend very slow and very measured communications.  Maybe you want him back, maybe you don't, maybe you want to be Friends with Bennies again, or maybe you want more, whatever you want - HE is reaching out to you, YOU have the upper hand, just like in poker - hold your cards close to the vest and don't tip your hand until all of the chips are on the table. Understand what, if anything, you want from this new interaction with him, understand what he may or may not be willing to give, and move very slowly, don't rush anything.  Good luck!