Lets get deep for a minute...

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland - Just doing some thinking for the new year about where my life is heading. The background: I got married to my college sweetheart in 2000 when I was 31. Although he was a love of my life and I learned so much from him, I left after only a year of marriage for the main reason that he was a regular pot smoker, and I didn't want to have kids with someone who depended on drugs. He was highly functioning, had his own business and was smart as hell. But... I felt the pot was keeping us from having the marital relationship I believed we could be having. Addiction kept him from growing emotionally. I had believed his promises to quit throughout our many years of dating, and it took me a year of marriage to realize they were empty, and I would have to move on.

Fast forward ten years. I have had a wonderful life full of good things. I've traveled the world, enjoy my job and friends and took time out to work on me through therapy. But I had just assumed that once I got out of an unworkable romantic situation and worked on myself that I would find someone who wanted to put the effort in ie; a guy who gets it. I've had some love connections but mostly from guys who are too young as I look ten years younger than my age. Oh, and ironically, my wasband just got married two years ago, and judging from Facebook photos, appears to have the life I left him for.

I'm not particularly unhappy about my situation nor am I desperate to change it, but sometimes I wonder why am I not getting what my friends seem to have. I don't really have a question per se. I just want your input or impressions about how life is "supposed to go" as opposed to how life really ends up.

GARLAND: Hi there. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, I feel you. Life tends to work itself out at the speed, time and manner that IT chooses.

I think we all see what we want out of life and if we're lucky we get SOME of it. I think that happens for two main reasons :

(1) random events happen every single second of every day and these events have a ripple effect that impact the world, the country, the state, the city and the neighborhood we live in, the areas where we work and play, the people we know, the people we are yet to know and subsequently - US. So, nothing on a philosophical or a 'higher' plain is fixed in place, variables are everywhere.

and...

(2) Everyday we become just a little bit different - we learn a little bit more, forget a little bit more; we appreciate a few more things and appreciate a few less things; we love a few more things and we hate a few more things. Our priorities, desires, abilities and perspectives are always changing.

At one point in our lives we might money, or we might want a house in a good neighborhood, or we want that sexy guy or girl that works out at the gym we go to. Then again we might want a kid instead of the house. Or, we might want a solid 401K as opposed to that weekend in Puerto Rico. Maybe we'd just be happy dropping 30 pounds as opposed to having $3000 in new jewelery. I think everything ebbs and flows.

What I'm about to say is easy for me to say because you and I are strangers, but I say it sincerely and I hope you take it to heart in a positive way. You say that your wasband seems to be doing pretty good... Don't dwell on that too much. While the world and events are random, I still think that on a deeper level - everything happens for a reason. You might assume that your wasband could have turned himself around and been a decent guy for you, you'll probably never know. But, before you stress over this... and I'm not saying you are... keep in mind that he probably had to take his life in a different direction to end up where he is, and sometimes we have to take these roads alone. Either he's improved himself and or he's improved a way to hide his shortcomings. I hope you look at him as just - One Stop, on a long bus ride.

And lastly - don't sleep on those young fellas. If you are 40ish and you come across a guy that has his act together, his head is on straight, his game tight and he's livin' right - why not see what he's about? You didn't say you were looking for a man, but since we're all sharing here... I might as well point that out to you.

Best wishes, and enjoy the ride-

CHUCK: You want our Philosophies of Life, is that it? Boy, I love the easy questions!

I don't think that there's any set way that life should go. Things happen when and how they do, mostly due to situations that we don't control. But it's how we respond to those situations that dictates how our lives end up going.

And then there are the things that we want out of life. These things are gonna change, based on where you are in your life. When I was single, I wanted a better car, a smart, stable girlfriend, and more money. Now I want more time with my kids, more (and better) time alone with my wife, more rest, and... more money. Back when you were married, you wanted a stable married relationship. Your husband wanted more weed.

No way that could have worked out.

I wonder a lot about the inequities of life. How can good people live unhappy, unfulfilled lives while others can do wrong, abuse everything and everyone, and still reap life's rewards? I call that the Dick Cheney Conundrum. Do bad things happen to good people? All the time. Nothing is going to change that.

My personal philosophy is to live my life with as little mailce as I can have towards others, and trying to respect other people as I want to be respected. And I guess that's worked out pretty well for me. If things aren't quite going the way you want them to right now, hang in there, because you never know when things are going to change for the better.

Now, enough with this philosophisizing. Give me someone to scold, or find me someone to make fun of!

Desperate Times Do NOT Call for Desperate Measures

QUESTION: I am 23, recently dumped (over some B.S. if you ask me), independent, caring young woman. I graduate in December and I read something one of you said that you shouldn't share your twenties. I agree with you but that's if I think and rationalize using my mind, but my heart tells me different b/c while I want to enjoy the single life, I HATE dating! There are so many politics to dating and even in dating, I have realized that a good one is hard to come by and I still have to go home alone afterwards.

I have been told that I am still young and have a lot of time to find someone, but at this point I'm don't see it happening (I have one foot in the artificial insemination clinic). I feel like I have a lot going for myself so I shouldn't have an issue finding a man, I guess its keeping one (who's in my zip and area code) that I haven't mastered. I'm not perfect and don't profess to be, however, I fear that when Mr.'Right' does come along, I won't notice because I'm so used to shielding myself from the clowns.

Recently I met a guy who in my opinion was touchy feely a bit early (after only knowing me for a few days), which led me to believe his intentions were only physical ones. In addition, I get a 'player' vibe from him; kinda of like I know he's popular with the ladies, all he does is text me (which is annoying), and right now his car is inoperable so I can only see him if I go to his house or pick him up. I spoke to him about it and he tried to assure me that it wasn't the case about him just wanting me physically. He also told me other women have also thought him to b popular w/ the ladies, and he doesn't know why. I understand that it is natural for a man to b attracted to a woman, but I need a man to b able to control himself and I want more than attraction. As I said I recently got out of a 'relationship' (that was anything but that) and didn't expect to be diggin anyone so soon, but I'm worried that this dude is just another clown. I've decided to give him a few more weeks to let his true colors show. He has a lot of potential and I'd hate for him to be a waste of time...so how do I find out? I just want someone who has a genuine interest in me...is that too much to ask? I know all the good ones can't be gone, so where are they? (I've lost hope that he may be in [my town], so I'm cool, but when is he gonna find me?)

GARLAND: Thank you for your question. And, that was ME who said you shouldn't share your twenties - I think my comment was more like "you should get to know yourself in your twenties, enjoy your freedom, see the world, date [not neccessarily sleep with] a lot of people, and NOT tie yourself to one specific person, boyfriend, husband."

All I can say is - what the heck is the rush? Everybody is all about instant gratification, everybody wants everything now, now, now! The best meals aren't made in a microwave! You don't need a wireless headset sticking out of your head, your friends can wait one more ring while you get your phone out of your purse! You don't need a baby with gas, screaming and crying and refusing to go to sleep at 3:15 in the morning, at least not right now... you don't need to give your precious time to a needy, text messaging, playboy... You are at the best time in YOUR life - the dawn of true adulthood - and you're stressing to get married or rushing to get artifically insemenated.

Trust me here - just slow down a notch and stop being in a rush! If this dude you are dating is giving you vibes like he's a needy bum - dump him and roll out! You are special and deserve nothing less than a dude that blows your mind and makes your heart sing - and no I'm not [just] talking about sex! That RIGHT guy you speak of, is going to come when HE IS SUPPOSED TO! And honestly I have no idea when that is going to happen. But until then, you need to listen to YOUR BRAIN and not neccessarily to your heart. Wait until your heart MATURES later in your 20's, I promise you that your heart will lead itself to get broken more times than it ought to. Follow your brain!

And that whole artifical insemenation thing - I'm no expert, but in my personal opinion I have two thoughts - FIRST, I think it's unfair to that baby for YOU to create him or her and start out their life with just a mom because YOU want someone to call your own. EVERY child needs and deserves TWO parents, and people should do all they can do to assure this to unborn children... just MY opinion.

SECOND - Speaking as a parent... ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?!?! You are 23 and a few months away from a college degree!!! The WORLD is about to become your oyster, girl! Find yourself a great job, do some traveling, make and save some money, play the stock market, hang out, stay up too late, date that cute guy you see at the gym, start your Roth IRA account, sample some good wines, perfect your grilling technique, write a book, drive across the country... JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE AND STOP TRYING SO HARD TO GIVE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE!

With good health, you should live to be at least 80 years old - don't you think the first 30 or so years should be all about YOU? I do! I think they should be all about you! Validate yourself by being yourself - not by being the girlfriend of a needy dude or by becoming yet another single mother, getting too little sleep, getting too little rest, earning too little money, and having too hard a life.

Please remember this is my opinion. I'm hardly an expert on this stuff - I just tend to see the bottom line in a lot of things and just try to speak from the heart. Kids and family are major undertakings, and I think you owe it to yourself to be as free and uncommited as possible during one of the most unique times in your life. Best wishes to you.

CHUCK: I don't adopt as narrow a view as Garland. Every child may deserve two parents, but these days, with so many growing up in group homes and foster care, they're lucky if they have even one. I don't think your twenties are necessarily "for" certain activities. Everybody's different. But I do believe that your reasoning for trying to settle down at 23 is faulty.

To me, society sets up unfair and unrealistic standards for women. You need to be married before you're thirty. You need to have a kid soon after that. Keep to the program. While men can do what they want, when they want. I think you're feeling this pressure because of things you're SUPPOSED to want, rather than things you genuinely do want.

Otherwise, why would you be giving this guy another couple of weeks to disappoint you? If he doesn't let you down, I'd be very surprised. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but a grabby guy who's "popular with the ladies," that will only text you and you have to ride around in your car is a prize worth waiting for only on Bizarro World. But go on, wait him out, he might surprise me. COUGHCOUGH!

I agree with Garland completely when he says that we live in an age of instant gratification. And it's not just 20-somethings, either. If some women could buy a package that contained a husband, that all you needed to do was to add water to, that cost, say, $800, it would sell off of the stands in hours. Even if the instant husband looked like Flavor Flav.

Slow your roll. I'm fully confident that you will get the things you desire out of life. Just maybe not in the next fifteen minutes.