Get Out of Orlando

Hey guys,

I hope both of you are well...I haven't written in a while but at this point I am looking for advice and I have no one to give it to me, so I decided to give you two my scenario and ask your advice.

QUESTION: I am 24 and my BF and I have lived together since March. I graduated in December and moved to Orlando to make a relationship easier between us. Prior to us being in the same city, my mate complained a lot it , but itwas due to distance. Now that we live together, I don't think I make him happy. For starters, he just doesn't look happy. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing, but I knew it was something. Last night I tried to initiate sex and he pushed me away, that hurt. I am not very vocal sexually, so I consider it a big thing when I initiate it.

This morning I sent him an email telling him that since he rejected me, that I wouldn't try anymore (which is the attitude he has taken (in the past he says i have rejected him for Oprah, and then once before when we were in a sub-par hotel, i wasn't in the mood because I didn't feel the room was sanitary, may be bad reason, but i wasn't in the mood) and true to his word, he hasn't tried since). He countered by saying that although he loves me he is not happy with the 'crap' i give him in our relationship. He says that I don't have ideas for things to do in our relationship, I just got out of college so my finances are strapped, (hell if we didn't live together, i'd be in real financial trouble) which means I dont have $$ for us to do things, which he says is an excuse, we have sex every 3-4 days, which is also an issue, as well as average communication.
Before him, I felt like I was a great communicator, never had an issue with it before. With him, I find it difficult. He's not always the most approachable person. We have talked about it and he's told me that despite what his outside demeanor is he wants me to talk to him...that piece of advice didn't work bc I still don't always feel comfortable approaching him. He says everything I say is an excuse. I want to know how to make him happy, or even if i should

I feel like w/o all the extras, if you are in a relationship with someone you should be able to enjoy that person. My BF gets bored with the everyday routines of life, and i guess he looks to me to make interesting things happen...but I don't know how to. I never thought I'd be in the situation where I couldn't make my man happy...Honestly I didn't think it would be that difficult.

Whoever said a relationship is work, never lied. I am wondering if I know how to or will ever know how to function in a healthy relationship...honestly I've never seen one. My parents were only together (I feel) because of their children and my grandparents stayed together because it was the 'right' thing to do in their time. I don't know what to do, because at this point, neither of us know how our relationship will work, in its current state, although we want it to. It makes me unhappy that he's unhappy but i don't know what to do to remedy this situation.


GARLAND: Thanks for taking the time to share your question.

Where do I begin? IN MY OPINION - and please remember that Chuck and I are no EXPERTS, but your man, your BF, is PROBABLY not really in love with you.

Folks throw the word "love" around so much that it hardly means anything now. Some guys like to throw it out because there is this belief that men can't use the word. So when a guy says "I love you" it's NOT always true. Sometimes it's just thrown out there because guys know you all WANT to hear it. I wish I had a penny for everytime THIS YEAR that a guy told a woman "I love you, baby." and didn't mean it. I would be richer than any Saudi prince you name.

Not all guys are lying when this is said, but it happens.

I think your guy probably likes you, but he doesn't love you. Love, TRUE LOVE does not make you walk around angry and fussy. TRUE LOVE doesn't make you tell the person you love that all you do is give me crap and grief - BORING crap and grief at that!

By the way, your "mate" didn't complain before you moved down because of the distance, he complained because he either didn't love you then or because he knew you were that much closer to coming to Orlando.

Your man is bored - he probably likes you, but he just doesn't want to give you the "its me NOT you," speech. LOVE is not supposed to make you feel emotionally beat up. You are clearly Emotionally Beat-Up. I think you're wasting your time with your "BF" as you call him. He's miserable and you sound like it to. LOVE is NOT supposed to be this hard and it is not supposed to be such a draining fight. I can never understand why people [men AND women] will stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay in an unhappy situation like a new sunrise will bring the joy they want, or like the Relationship Fairy will flutter down from the heavens and award them "The Bravest Little Relationship Trooper" pin. Your man ain't happy, YOU ain't happy, it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better... go prepare to find your joy!

Ask him straight up if he wants to call it quits and move on? If he says, "No," then don't mince your words - tell him what a dick he's truly been acting like. You tell him he's got 30 days to do a 180 or you are walking out of his life forever! If he says "Yes, its over." Then rejoice at his honesty, and enjoy the fact that you still have 70 years of life to find and enjoy TRUE LOVE! If he wants to part ways but still be... "friends," walk, jog, run, ski, roller blade, surf, skateboard, hitch-hike, luge, swim, fly, para-sail, bungee jump, jet-rocket, or just plain drive to another city as fast as you can.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Consider him here for a reason: "To teach you what a good relationship is NOT."

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I don't know if you possess any other obligations, financially or otherwise, that are keeping you in Orlando, but frankly, if this relationship is all there is, you might as well start packing now. Because, unless, a change takes place soon, you two are heading for a break-up. But it may be the best thing that could happen to you.

I wonder how many couples start off in long distance relationships, then make arrangements to close that distance, only to find that maybe the distance was the only thing holding them together. It looks like, now that you are physically together, you couldn't be more apart emotionally and sexually.

All couples who decide to cohabit are going to be facing some adjustments. Getting in sync sexually is going to be one of those adjustments. but communication and an eye for your partner's likes and dislikes (i.e., dirty hotel rooms) should help resolve these issues. Unless your partner, or BF, if you will has no interest in resolving them.

I realize that it's you writing, and, intentionally or not, you may be coming off biased. But it sounds to me as though not only are you doing all of the work in your relationship, your BF EXPECTS you to do all the work. What's that about? Why should it be only your responsibility to "make interesting things happen?" Dammit, he can make something interesting happen himself! What is this guy, a four-year-old that needs to be entertained?

I'm not going to suggest that this man doesn't love you, as Garland does. But I think it's possible he may have some unrealistic assumptions about what an adult relationship in the real world really requires. As a result of which, he's running you down and making himself unhappy, as well. You're just 24. And you haven't made a mistake that can't be corrected. If he is determined to be unhappy and uncommunicative, leave him and this relationship behind. And tell him, if he wants a girlfriend who will keep him entertained, start dating women from the circus.

Moodswingin' (or Internet: Still the Devil)

Hi, I came across your site and thought it would be great to get an honest opinion -

Here's my relationship issue-

QUESTION: Met a wonderful man through an online dating site recently - we dated for about a month - the chemistry is/was super intense - and we both seemed to connect on an emotional, physical and intellectual level. We enjoy the same type of music ( rather rare as not many people are into this genre) and we are in very similar professions (have bonded over shop talk as well). Our first date lasted 8 hrs - the most charming, scintillating conversation that I've had in a long time not to mention the physical chemistry - somehow the connection was electric ! Time just flew by each time we met.

Some warning signs however did come up - he completely over-reacted the 2nd week into our budding romance when I was a little busy and told him I could not talk to him on the phone as I had errands to run - he apparently felt like I was treating him like he was not significant - and grew very distant till I point blank asked what was the matter - we made up and things were getting much better and we drew closer. Almost a month into this and I spent the weekend at his place - we slept together and the passion/sex was fantastic ! That Sunday when I was back at my place I told him that I had removed my online profile and expected that he would do the same - and his reaction is not at all what I had expected - this is where it gets VERY confusing for me ! He lashed out at me about how I do not have any trust and how it has only been a month and that I've made him feel bad about many things, something about a horrible past relationship and 'self-preservation' whatever that means - about how he is by himself (true - he has no family here) - and has to take care of his own well-being.

So, after spending an amazing weekend together at his place (the concert/the sex/the breakfast in bed) - I cannot understand how he can change from making plans for upcoming weekends, even Christmas vacation, 'joking' about getting married, saying that he feels soo strongly about me and generally having a great time together to not wanting to see me or even explain himself to me AT ALL !

We have only corresponded via email since then - sharing music - and he mentions how he remembers our last date ... but as soon as I mention anything to do with feelings/emotions he clams up and doesn't respond at all -

Anyways, looong story short - is this man just afraid of rejection/commitment phobic or was he playing me ( I don't think so ) - btw I know he has since then removed his online profile. Also, I'd like to move on - as an attractive woman, I find it easy to meet men - just not someone who can mesmerize me the way he did ! These churning emotions are new to me - I don't understand it esp. since it has only been a month of knowing him - but I found him to be an intellectual and physical equal - not sure now whether to pour my heart out in one final email ( along with sending him some self-help links on how not to sabotage relationships) and move on or just let it go and not get in touch ever again ..... and save my pride and not be that vulnerable to someone else (I'm such a feminist - that is so not me - I hate that I feel this way about a man ! )

Your perspective will be appreciated ! By the way I'm 30 and he is 29 .

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest !

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I apologize that it took us a while to answer it.

If it's not too late - DON'T SEND THAT LAST E-MAIL POURING YOUR HEART OUT, it will not do any good. If anything, it will put all of your vulnerabilities out on display and when you are dealing with a guy with "issues" [because you ARE dealing with a guy with issues] it will not bode well for YOU.

Don't bother with the self help links either, that will scream pretentious. It's fine that you want him to talk to somebody to deal with his issues, but you can't just TELL HIM THAT. I think had you not been intimate with him and maybe you all were just friends and hanging out you could have slipped it in, but for him to just rail at you over little things like his online profile or talks about a relationship, he has some DEEP issues and you may be better off cutting your losses.

Not to flip-flop, anything is possible, but as a man, I have to say that this guy shouldn't be in the dating pool. He needs to be in the gym, in school, in an art class or somewhere else occupying his time. This is, of course, assuming that a broken heart is his REAL issue. People handle getting hurt different ways - for me personally, I'd say I've had my heart broken twice - the first time, I learned that the sun will STILL rise the next day and the day after, and life goes on; the second time - I decided that the way I'd move on was to live well for the rest of my life. This guy needs to channel his hurt [or fear] into something positive. THAT positive, sadly, may or may not be with you.

I think you should trash the big emotional production with him, toss the help links out the window, and just be a casual friend to this guy for now. Don't JOKE about marriage, or love, babies, or sex or anything - just be a friend to this guy and see where things go. EIther he'll open up or he won't. But whatever you do - keep your dating options open!!! Why miss out on another decent guy if one is headed your way. However, If you find that you can't be around him without wanting to jump his bones, and he doesn't seem to want to stop being hyper sensitive, maybe you've got to sail on and see what else the world has in store for you. My best wishes to you and whatever comes next for you.

CHUCK: I have to agree here. Do not call this guy to pour your heart out one more time. All you are doing is exposing yourself to more hurt, because there is nothing that he will say that will make you get you back to where you were. He doesn't seem to have much interest in getting back together with you. It's a nice gesture to think that you could actually assist him by sending the self-help links (or maybe you just wanna get a dig in on him), but I doubt he'll accept it.

Because he has closed himself off to you. Whatever you did to him (um, NOTHING), it was more than he could handle. And frankly, his outburst was so irrational and off-the-wall, I can barely speculate as to what caused it. You might want to try visiting whatareemotionallyscarrednutsthinking@blogspot.com. I'm kidding, but honestly, what the hell? I don't believe he is playing you. But either you got too close, and he got scared. Or he felt that you were making an unfair demand by asking him to take his profile down, and he got his back up. He might be scared of the feelings he has for you. Jeez, he could be anxious about starting a relationship because he knows the Mothership is coming for him soon!

If love is a battlefield, this guy definitely has post-traumatic stress disorder. And even if he didn't just reduce the two of you to IPod buddies, he needs to do some growing up or calming down if he wants to be in a relationship with anybody.
As it stands now, it looks as though even your music trading relationship will peter out soon. Let it. It must be hard to see things going so wrong, after what seems to have been such a great weekend for you. But keep the good memories in your mind, and try not to focus on how things ended up. There's a man out there who able to relate to you the way this one did, but mature enough to handle an adult relationship.