MORE LIES.... R U Serious?

Hey....again! Please let me know if I am bothering you with my everlasting problems, but your advice is really needed. SEE: "LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES"

I think that I have proven to be young and naive. I have recently moved in with my 32 yr. old boyfriend, and soon after I began to notice that one girl in particular called him a tad bit too much. Then I got a call from her, not knowing how she got my number, so I did not talk to her but I did decided to email her. She never replied. After asking my boyfriend about her, I found out that he slept with her once when we had broke up for a 2 month period and just never called her anymore ( maybe a one night stand type of thing) now she just got really attached. His story was very believable because I have found letters that she has sent to his p.o. box way back in Dec. and he never bothered to open them. So I believed him. Now heres the problem... while helping him look for his car title, I see many bills and letters made out to T XXXXXX and Jenn XXXXXX. WHAT THE HELL? Are they married, seperated, devorced? All of the papers have this address on them, he hasn't been living here for a year, but we have been together for two. So something has taken place in the past 8 months that I am very unaware of. I am not going to marry this man no time soon because I can not figure out what is going on and why this man is with me... I really take everything that you guys say into consideration so please help!!!!!

GARLAND: I don't think your questions are a 'bother' to Chuck and I. If we thought these questions and situations were a 'bother' we'd stop doing this blog. Speaking for myself, what I DO find to be a 'bother' is when someone is in a situation full of lies, deceit and unbelievable nonsense - they reach out to us - we show them, the lies, deceit and unbelievable nonsense and yet they still jump right back into the foolishness. THEN they come back and add even more insanity to the mix and ask us what is going on?

We told you before that this fellow is bad news. I wish I had a dime for every time that someone decides to screw around when they are "on a break" and then lingering foolishness stays around for weeks, months and years - you know what I mean: stalkers, E-Mailers, babies, HIV...

I'm sorry, but I can't even begin to rationalize the situation that you so willing choose to stay in. This guy is one lie after another, hidden bills that he shared with his wife that you claim not to know about, lovers that are stalking you and him, the 11 year old kid, this is just mayhem and foolishness. I believe that you are where you want to be with him, things are only going to get more bizarre and he is only going to bring you quicker and quicker into emotional ruin. That bothers me.

Hopefully Chuck will be more compassionate.

CHUCK: Now, Garland, I know it's frustrating to compose a reply to a question and try to give someone some well-thought-out advice, and then find out that it apparently wasn't heeded. But we shouldn't react badly when we find this out. After all, in this young woman's case, she's only hurt herself.

Your 32-year-old boyfriend has once again told you bold-faced lies and you are presented with proof that he is lying. And, at a certain point, it ceases to be about him, and starts to be about you. What is going on? He is obviously concealing the true nature of his relationship with this woman from you. But he's doing a pretty poor job of it. Why is he with you? Because you are young and, frankly, gullible enough to still be with him after all of this.

Leave this man. I'll repeat: LEAVE THIS MAN. Confront him about his lies or not, but leave him. If I were you, I'd confront him just so he would not live the rest of his feeling that he REALLY got over on me. I mean, he did, but he ultimately didn't.

You can take our advice or not. We take this seriously, believe it or not, but I guess in the end, it's just entertainment. Unless you've tied yourself to a man who just cannot be trusted, and can be counted on to lie at any time. It's your life. Stay in touch.

Starved for Affection

QUESTION: Hello Chuck and Garland, Help me on this one.

My partner and I have been together for eight years, living together for seven years. Our relationship hasn't been smooth, and we have one child together (5), plus...three other older children from a previous marriage. Right...so my question is his lack of emotion. I love him dearly, but he is a robot. No emotions whatsoever, little or no conversation daily. Comes into the house without a greeting, kisses his daughter, says hi to the boys, and if I get a grunt, I am lucky. I cannot tell you the last time I heard him say I love you.

I have been speaking to him about this for three years (of and on. Nagging will not help) now, and have really given up on expecting to hear it. The mood in the bedroom is different, quite the opposite. He is the most passionate lover that I have ever had...he is the kind of dream guy that every woman wants.....I cannot complain about his attentiveness and his consideration when we are in bed. (except he doesn't talk here either)

Outside...well.....you would swear we are strangers. I stopped being in the same gym with him because I cannot bear how it seems as if we are total strangers. He never acknowledged me, unless some guy came to speak with me.We never are affectionate in public, or outside the bedroom. Don't even try to hold his hand. I have already gone the route of totally vamping out to gain his attention, and get some affection ( I miss the flirting, and the way his eyes used to sparkle when he saw me). I have gone the route of the games in bed, tried flirting outside the bedroom....you name it I have done it.

It is starting to take a toll on me. I feel unattractive, I feel unappreciated...and even though I get attention from other men, (and I go out of my way not too because it annoys me), I get zero from him. He makes me feel like an annoyance, unless we are having sex...I even feel used. We never go out alone, and I have learnt not to expect any celebrations for birthday, christmas etc. I really feel like walking out......give me a man's take on this please. Help me see anothr perspective.

(From GARLAND - This Question got a bit lost in the mix here and went unanswered since June. I truly apologize for that. The Questioner has since provided additional information.)

While I have been waiting, further developments have been happening. I have found out that he has an alternative Facebook account, with an extremely sexy picture that screams "I am available". My attempts to befriend this account have been ignored, meanwhile his friends list of only women (well okay 2 guys out of the 68) is growing daily.

I have even found out that two of these "friends" are calling him.... well actually it was a call from one of his friend that gave me a name, which led tohis profile. This snooping is not like me.... but his refusal to attend family gatherings now, got me suspicious over the past two weeks.Yet, we still make love, passionately. But honestly guys, I feel like crap. I feel like I am not enough for him. He refuses to talk about it, and he refuses to let me know what he is doing. All the signs of cheating are there, and I am sick of feeling like one of the pieces of furniture in our home. We have been living together for the past eight years...honestly, I am bored, I know he is bored, and any attempts or discussions on my part to rejuvenate our relationship is met with refusal. I don't know if I could live in a loveless relationship holding on for the sake of the children (four, two are his, two from my previous marriage) What makes me feel really crappy is the fact that my last six relationships ended the same way..... I am tried of being cheated on...... So my question is..... stay and talk..... or take a walk?

GARLAND: Sorry again for missing your question.
There is so much I want to say, I hope I hit all of the points you mentioned.

You say that your last SIX relationships ended the same way? Let me say that YOU are the common denominator here. You are drawing bums in and you are allowing them to be a part of your life and you are allowing them to dog you out. I hate to say this, but you probably have very poor instincts for men. Sure, I'm certain that some folks will read this and say, "Why does it always have to be The Woman's Fault?" My answer to that is, "No, it's NOT ALWAYS THE WOMAN'S FAULT." But if your last six relationships ended with your men cheating on you, then YOU are doing something wrong, and you are doing it to yourself. I'll come back to this...

As far as your "partner" goes, you need to walk away. You have wasted a ton of your time 'living with' a guy that won't marry you, talk to you or look at you. I can't even muster up an ounce of pie-in-the-sky optimism here for you. I'm afraid that it will give you a glimmer of hope that will cost you another year of your life.

And the "love making," let's not get "love" all soiled in this situation. Doesn't 'making love' require TWO people to love each other? Otherwise it's called... well, you can imagine where I'm going. Don't make what goes on in the bedroom something it isn't. 'Making Love' is a sharing and showing of mutual affection between two people, from what you said, this guy might not spit on you if you were on fire.

The Facebook thing is simply what a man who thinks he's single will do. He'll put his image online and start attracting and spending time with interested women. Let's be honest, are you really THAT surprised?

One thing Chuck and I try to do with this blog is shave off the fluff and BS that some folks might give you. This guy is wasting your time and YOU are letting him do it. And, let me point out that while he is practically cheating on you in your face, he is still rasslin' around under the sheets with you! He is still taking whatever these other women have to give him and he is sharing it with you. Do you know what I'm saying? You could literally be killing yourself for this guy! We certainly don't want this!!!

I think, that once you've had enough of this guy's emotional neglect, you need to move on and starting loving yourself for a while. I don't know if that will take months or years, but after 6 or 7 failed relationships you need to treat yourself to some downtime and some positive energy. Then, when you think you might be ready to date again, you need to get together with a couple of your closest and smartest girlfriends and come up with a dating strategy and a "man-standards" check-list of points that they can hold you accountable to when you bring the next guy around.

In my opinion, just read your question again as if YOU are NOT the writer. And think about the writer as someone YOU love... a little sister, a cousin, your mother... what would you tell her?

CHUCK: I agree with Garland here. Normally, I would say talk to your boyfriend, about his lack of affection, about his seeming need to distance himself from you, about his second "sexy-man" Facebook page. But it sounds to me as though you've already tried to engage him on these issues, without much luck. So, while I know you have tried to put together a family, while I know it will be painful, you need to get the hell out while you can.

You seem to draw a distinction between the affection-free way he treats you everywhere else, and the attention that he shows you in bed. Make no mistake: That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. He could be mentally cutting and pasting your face and body with any number of his Facebook honeys. At the very least, he may be working on his sexual game in anticipation of the occasion when he will get extra friendly with these friends. So don't think, just because he's putting on a show in the bedroom, that it's all for your benefit.
It seems as though the only reason you are staying together is your family, and even that doesn't seem good enough for him now. It's a shame that he is not man enough to tell you what he is feeling, but would rather make you feel unloved and trash your self-esteem. He's a real prize.

I'm not going to rough you up about your admitted sorry track record with relationships. Not everyone ends up being the person that they seem to be in the beginning. But I would ask you to be more wary of danger signs when you look to start a relationship in the future. You've been off the market for eight years, though. People are a lot worse at hiding who they are these days. Mostly because they don't care.
But I suggest you end this chapter of your life as soon as possible. You will always be tied to him because of the young child you share. But you are overdue some love from a man who can show you genuine love in more than just the bedroom.

The Third Wheel

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I am a very young looking, attractive 50 year old woman. I am divorced.

I have been friends for 5 years with a very young and good looking, professional black man of 46. For the first 4 years, I would venture in and out of his life. An email here, text there, telephone conversation, etc. We also went on three great dates during that time as well. Well, finally, last year I decided to become intimate with him. Sex is great.....then I ventured back to my old ways.....a text here, call there, etc. He says it's because I have "distractions" and he is waiting for the time when he is a "distraction" for me.

So, last week I called him and he invited me to his home. (My first visit there, he's always been to my home). We haven't seen each other for over 6 months. Also we live about 30 miles away from each other.

So, yesterday I go to his home, he has a long time friend over visiting from out of town - male and the three of us have a great time just talking and listening to music. I did not know he was expecting company and he said that he knew and that it was not a problem at all. My friend and I sneak upstairs for a quicky and return to continue with his friend. He was very, very charming and attentive. I really had a great time and saw him a different side to him that I really, really like!

Anyway, as I was leaving, he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me not to be a stranger.

Here's my question: What does he think about me? I want to take it to the next level, but I just can't find the right words. I don't want to be rejected, but I am very curious as to what he is thinking. It's been 5 years and I am ready for him to be mine!!!!

Hope you have an answer for this one.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question!

As a guy, I'm going to tell you that he probably doesn't want you like you want him. I'm always leery of guys that move like turtles. I think us guys tend to know when we've stumbled across that special lady and while moving at the speed of light is definitely a no no, moving like molasses in January is bad too.

What really screams Bad Things to me is him inviting you over to his place and then having a "long time friend" come over and hang out with the two of you!!! THIS IS JUST A BAD THING ALL THE WAY AROUND. Let me tell you why...

Men DON'T invite their Boyz over to "Hang out with this great woman I'm seeing," we don't ask our Boyz over to, "Give me your opinion of her," MEN DON'T OPERATE LIKE THAT.

Women like to have their friends 'look over' guys they are interested in. MEN DON'T.

Before I go any further, let me address another point - let's suppose his friend was in town visiting on a scheduled trip. If he was trying to really see you, his boy would have left the house - caught a movie, did some site seeing, went to a club, had dinner - he would have done something to give you two some real alone time, especially because you are not his girlfriend. He would have given you some grown-up space!

Now keep in mind that I obviously don't know your guy, but I'm going to tell you - if I was a gambling man, I would bet my next paycheck that your fella had a little something up his sleeve by having you AND his boy over the house at the same time. Either he was trying to show off for his boy by getting you to come over and sex him up while his buddy was in the other room OR he was trying to sneak you into a comfort zone where a little three-way might pop off! I just DON'T like the fact that he would invite you over, have his friend there, have sex with you and then send you on your way with a pat on the butt.

If he REALLY cared about you, he would not have broken off a little 'quicky' with you while his friend was chillin' out in the house too. That is just some high-school foolishness, grown men that respect their women don't do that childish mess. There is NO WAY... NO WAY... that after you left, he told his buddy, "Man she is so special. I really want a future with her. I'm going to make her my lady." There is ZERO CHANCE that that happened. He said some things about you though, believe me, but it was nothing sweet.

Will he reject you? I'm not sure, but I'm almost afraid of what will happen if he accepts you.

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy was trying to get a threesome rolling with you and his buddy (at the risk of not sounding progressive and modern, can I just say... "ew?"). I mean, if he's that bold, and that freaky, I think he wouldn't have left any room for doubt. But I do think, like Garland, that it really serves to illustrate how much, or how little, he thinks of you.

Here's my reasoning: When I was single, and my lady friend was coming over for a weekend, I wanted there to be no impediment to us enjoying the pleasure of each other's company at any time or place in my apartment (ah, to be young again...). That means not having to entertain my buddy, or being self-conscious thinking that he's listening in on me and my lady friend's "quickies." Again, "ew."

So, I'm left with the thought that he was not taking the weekend entirely seriously, and was not really concerned with just having time with you. I think it's safe to say he was not really seeking a romantic weekend with you. I don't think that he sees you as just a booty call, but I don't think he places you too many rungs up the ladder from one.

You both have apparently had no problem in the past with keeping your relationship a little casual. And some guys are absolutely have no problem saying, "Hey, if that's all right with her, it's all right with me." But it's not all right with you anymore. So let him know it. Tell him that you didn't mind having the third wheel around on your weekend, but you were hoping for some alone time. Put it to him just like that, don't jump in his shit. See what his response is. Hopefully, he'll be apologetic and you two will have another chance to get things right.


Courtship in SLOOOOW Motion

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland, I am hoping that you can help me. I seem to be a great judge of character and can always tell when a guy is interested in me when I have absolutely NO interest in them. As soon as I become interested in a guy, I can't make heads or tails of him. So, here's my story. I have known this guy (we'll call him John) since high school. He was actually my Grad Night make out guy. We dated for a little while during the summer...and it ended for no reason that I know of. We never had sex. About 17 or 18 years later we met up again. Both of us were only a couple years out of a divorce. He has a daughter and I have 3 kids. We were both cheated on and clearly very jaded at that time. We had a great time, talked all night non-stop and ended at my door with a nice hug and a great kiss. Afterward, I got a couple of emails and then nothing. I understand why he didn't move forward at this time. I know that he just wasn't ready for anything. In retrospect, I wasn't either. About 4 years later, I started dating another guy (We'll call him JA), and shortly after we started dating, I found out that they (John and JA) were friends. I had no idea. During that time, we (me and John) were both very respectful and didn't email or talk during the short lived relationship with JA, we didn't really hug or anything when we saw each other, but we joked around a lot and finally the relationship with JA ended. It has been a couple of years again, and through Facebook, we are in touch again (me and John). We have hung out at group gatherings (one of which I put together). We chat (IM) for long periods of time once or twice a week and occasionally talk on the phone if for a particular reason but, never just to chat. We both love to hike and he asked me to join a volunteer group with him and his friend Jim. Outside of volunteering, we have gotten together a couple of times along with his other guy friends (Jim and Dean) whom John is really close friends with. Everytime he sees me, he gives me a HUGE hug, sometimes two. I don't really hug the other guys. He even met my youngest daughter and I met his when we went on a hike once (they are very close in age). My other two are much older and one of them has already moved out. Anyway, I have also hiked with Jim and Dean without John several times. I can tell that Jim clearly likes me and Dean has pried to find out if I was interested in Jim. Dean later asked me if I was dating anyone. The answer to both was no. We even talked about my failed marriage and being cheated on and I told him that I was tired of wasting my time with guys that I know are not going anywhere, that I prefer to date a guy with kids (as a common interest) and that I don't want to date...just to date. Dean asked a lot of questions, was it just curiosity? Do these guys talk to each other or do they get their info and keep it to themselves? In the meantime, I continue to chat (IM) with John. We jokingly bring up dating and marriage issues that other couples have (i.e. playing games, cheating, having a wall up after being cheated on) and vow that we never want to be involved in anything like that. Keep in mind that we never mention US being together. Then, one time he jokingly asked me what he would do without me and asked if I would marry him. He always calls me sweet names and tells me to have sweet dreams when we finish chatting. Recently, he told me that he "loved chatting with me". I told him that "I loved chatting with him too" and that he cracked me up. What should I make of all of this? Is he interested? Is he just moving SUPER slow and feeling me out first? Is he looking for reassurance that I won't cheat on him? Is he afraid to ruin the friendship? Am I reading way too much into everything? I just don't know. Thanks for your input.

CHUCK: It could be possible that John is just goofing around. But I think the greater possibility is that he is maybe now starting to realize what he's been missing with you. Here he's known you for the better part of 20 years, and your relationship has been largely platonic, but I think he's probably been thinking about how to change that status without making a fool of himself.

What could have changed his feelings? The fact that you've gotten to know his boys could have a lot to do with it. Here, you've spent time with him and them, and you think that you've seen some mild attraction from one, or both of them. I guarantee you that, by now, someone has asked John, "So what's the deal with you and her?" John probably hemmed and hawed for a little, then finally stated that you're just friends. And they probably asked him why. Then they suggested that he at least consider moving your relationship out of the friend zone. And since they are probably good friends and not creeps, they've laid back so John can make his move.

But that move is verrry sloow. So the question becomes, how do you feel about that? How do you feel about John? Can you see yourself with him? Think about that. One of the reasons John is probably going turtle-speed with you is because you already know his history (bad marriage, been cheated on, etc.), and he can't play any of that off. That could make him a little uncomfortable.

You've got a choice here. You could wait another 18 months, while John negotiates his next move. Or you could try to help him along, if you think you might be into him. If you're not the type to take the bull by the horns, and say "What the hell, let's see where this goes, John," then you need to make it easy for him to make that move. Subtly let him know that your feelings for him are no longer just platonic. And who knows? Maybe slow and steady can win the race.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Honestly I really don't know what is up with your guy John. Moving slow is one thing, but after almost 20 years I would halfway expect a guy to be willing to step up pretty quickly, I just can't see a guy meeting back up with you, hugging, watching you date is boy, no more hugging, watching you break up with his boy, restarting of the hugging, wasting another four years, more hugging, and tease from a potential new beau, still more hugging.

I just don't know.

He could be serious and want to start a relationship, but his slow start and timid approach to you makes me a little leery of a man with his 40th birthday in the rearview mirror who may be scared of hitting 50 all alone. I think you have to sit him down and see how he feels about you and see if he's using the years between you to solidify a special friendship or if he has finally accepted that you hovering around the perimeter of his life means that you are the love he may be looking for.

I wish I could give you more, but this guy is THE ONE with the best answer.


The Disappearing Window

QUESTION: This guy and I met through a mutual friend we both had. After several months we started talking every day whether it was via text or calling. He called me sometimes I called him. We became very close friends, and he started dating this girl and I started dating this guy around the same time, but me and him continued to talk regularly.

Eventually one day when we were talking he admitted to having more than friendly feelings for me, and I told him the same. However we decided it was best to just be friends, because we were both still in realtionships. A year passed both of us still seeing the other people and one night at a party we kissed, but it didn't go any further.

Anyways he and his girlfriend broke up and me and my boyfriend broke up just before them, and we have started to talk more about an "us", but it doesn't ever seem to go past that, and now our friendship is becoming more straining. We argue a lot more now, and don't talk as often anymore. So I was just wondering like what is going on?

CHUCK: Gee, I don't know. You tell me. If I were to speculate, I would say that the window of opportunity for the two of you to move from friends to lovers has passed. You both have come to some unspoken realization that the Next Step is not going to happen for you, and in the absence of sexual tension, all you have left is just tension.

How did this happen? In movies like When Harry Met Sally..., couples flit around each other for years, flirting and pining, until that romantic moment on New Year's Eve, when they profess their undying love for... Oh, forget it. When has life ever worked like that? Maybe, after months of experiencing obstacles to your getting together, you both are afraid to pull the trigger on dating each other. Maybe you think you know each other too well now.

My wife and I were in a similar situation as you. We were friends for a couple of years before we started dating. And actually, when we did start seeing each other, it was kind of a relief. We had had numerous conversations about numerous different topics at that point, and there was no period of being on "your best behavior" (i.e., fake) in the early days of our relationship. I think it was actually good, as there was no stress about when either of us would let the mask drop.

I'm not going to try to tell you that things could work out between the two of you, but you should probably try to find out for sure. It may be something that you look back on years from now, and wonder if it could have worked. So I'll ask you to talk to him seriously, try to put your recent disagreements behind you, and maybe clear the slate enough for the two of you to see if the chemistry is still there. It might not be. But one way or another, you should find out.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. The window of opportunity may have passed for you all like Chuck said. However, your situation could be caused by one of several other things as well.

#1. Sometimes things look prettier in the store window than they do on your wrist. The two of you may have seen something desirable and highly attractive in each other when it was safe to do so. You were tied up with someone and he was tied up with someone so as long as you didn't act on these feelings it was safe, dare I say fun, to tease each other and speculate about a hot romance together. Now, the barriers are gone and you are both faced with the reality of having to go into the store and buy that watch you've been looking at for the last 12 months. You may be worried about buyer's remorse.

#2. You both may be a little leery about jumping into a serious relationship with someone who has basically been in a less than sincere relationship for the last year. Let's be real here, he's had feelings for you and you've had feelings for him and yet you've both stayed in your other 'relationships' for over a year. Maybe one or both of you are a little mistrustful of the others true emotional capabilities. Maybe you are worried that you may fall into a sham relationship with one another.

#3 [and last] You both may be Spotters and neither of you are the actual Shooter. What I mean is this - a successful sniper team has a shooter and a spotter, the spotter finds the target and makes certain assessments and the shooter actually uses that information to pull the trigger and take the target out. You both sound like Spotters - talking and making decisions and looking and thinking and yet neither of you is willing to take the shot and start a realtionship.

I think the time has come to either take the shot or walk away. If the target doesn't feel right, move on. If it does - TAKE THE SHOT.

The question now is, are you a spotter or a shooter?

Good luck-