QUESTION: I have acquired a "special friend." We fooled around about two weekends ago and it was GRRREEAT!! The only thing is he is very indifferent to me. Not to say I want him to pull out all the stops or jump for joy when he sees me but he's just kind of ambivalent towards me. I must say I dont know all that much about him so that may just be his personality. However, I notice that when it comes to his ex, he seems quite sprung. I dont know much about the situation but she has a 4 month old kid with someone else yet he has all these poems on his (myspace page) about how much he loves her and how he needs her in his life yada yada. It seems really awkward to me. I mean due to some little spat that they had, he refused me what I thought would be a weekly supply of (well you know.....) so I mean should I just cut my losses with this guy and buy a vibrator or what?
GARLAND: Thanks for the question.
Uh... how do I answer this? Well, I believe in being honest. To this "special friend" of yours - you are just something to do. I think he just needed some sex, and YOU happened to be there. I'm glad you enjoyed it - but he just needed something to do for the weekend.
You said it yourself, he's INDIFFERENT towards you and AMBIVALENT towards you... HIS ACTIONS ARE TELLING YOU that you mean nothing to him. Don't pretend that you do. You are better off spending that energy jogging, cooking, doing homework, or watching paint dry.
HE IS TELLING YOU that the only person he wants is his ex. If he is leaving sappy love poetry all over his My Space page for his ex, and telling her how much he loves her and needs her, HE IS TELLING YOU that you are just his Jenny B. Readybooty. So, accept that this is all you mean to him.
And by the way- You say that you don't want him to pull out all the stops for you or jump for joy when he sees you. Tell me why the hell you are so damn willing to settle for less than you deserve? Just why in the hell are you willing to give your body [and your health too, if you didn't use a condom] to a man and just be so accepting of being treated like a bug on the windshield. Let me give you a bit of advice here: A MAN WILL ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED. IF YOU ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT, THEN YOU WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH. IF YOU ONLY ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE A CLASSY LADY, THEN THAT IS THE WAY YOU WILL BE TREATED.
I hope you look in the mirror and see a woman that deserves much more and much better than the clown you are stressing over. Good luck at the vibrator shop.
By the way - that 4 month old kid is his.
CHUCK: Yeah, um... to the vibrator shop it is. Unless... You are content to accept the leftovers of a person who is really not checking for you. He will have sex with you when he wants, but if it's affection you're looking for, and not ambivalence, you should just keep stepping.
I feel that so much time between men and women is wasted by people not knowing what they want, and being dishonest with each other. If this guy had told you that all he wanted was a sex partner, and that he was emotionally unavailable otherwise, then you could have decided whether to go for it or not with open eyes. But even though you state that you enjoyed the sex, you are apparently looking for something more emotionally. This guy ain't for you.
I won't really go into the pathetic-ness of this man posting his weepy love poetry on MySpace (as if that EVER worked to win someone back). But in the end, you deserve a man who going to be all about you, and not just one who'll throw you a screw when he's frustrated and horny. Find the door with this guy, and if you can, lock it behind you. And don't forget to buy batteries.
QUESTION: A gentleman I have sat and talked to frequently over the years at a deli I frequent once said to me if I wanted real authentic Mexican food, he would take me to his favorite Mexican restaurant. That was a month ago. Since then, I have run into him about four times and each time he has mentioned that he just had lunch at that favorite Mexican restaurant. Doesn't he realize that I remember that he told me he would take me there? What gives? Is the man senile?
GARLAND: Good question, and I'm sorry it took so long to get it answered.
I'd have to say that he's not senile. I'd call him more of a... Chatty Charlie.
I think people like him probably like to talk. I bet he's one of those people that has done EVERYTHING you say that you've done; he's been EVERYWHERE that you say you've been; he's eaten ALL of the foods that you say you want to eat. HE HAS DONE [or will do] IT ALL, if you listen to him.
I'm rather doubtful that he was ever really going to take you out to dinner or lunch at this Mexican spot. Nothing personal against YOU, it's just that he has to probably be a part of everything that goes on in the diner you frequent. I'm willing to bet that he offers to take everyone in there at least once in a while - to lunch at this place, or dinner at that place, or to his sister's place for the best ribs in town, or to his little secret spot for the freshest vegetables around.
So no, he's not senile. Just a chatter box.
CHUCK: Garland's right. This dude is essentially all about the talk, none about action. I've seen plenty of guys like this. He floats around going about his business, and he has about 8 to 12 female acquaintances that he talks to like this. "Yeah, sweetheart," he'll say. "Let's have lunch at that new Thai place soon." Or, "Tell you what, when that new Tyler Perry flick comes out, let's go see it." Or, "When it gets warm, I'll take you for ride on my Suzuki." He'll tell his guy friends stuff like, "I'll bring you that bootleg of Smokin' Aces Monday, yo." Or, "I saw these topless pictues of Beyonce on the internet last night. Yeah, I'll get you the web address."
But if ever he's called on any of these offers, he either acts forgetful, or falls into some stalling mumbles. Because this dude is what I like to call a Big-Mouthed Show-Off (BMSO).
Now, in all fairness to the BMSO, he spreads so much of this talk around, he can't possibly be expected to remember all of it. He could be seen as really over-committed, if he really intended to follow through on anything. He was just telling you what he thought he wanted you to hear.
He'll probably continue to wave that Mexican food carrot in front of your nose, too. Here's some advice: Try not to care. Devote your time and energy to guys that are genuine and pay no heed to the BMSOs.
QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland, I found out about your blog through a link in someone else's signature on another blog. This is such a great service you guys have!
I will be 34 years old this spring and am starting to panic. I am an attractive AA woman from NJ but I can't seem to find The Guy for me. I've been on dates, have flirted back and forth at work, did the online dating service thing, have dated some more butI can't seem to find The One.
I know that NO ONE is perfect, so I'm not looking for "perfection" in the shallow sense of that word. I don't know about other cities but it seems there's some sort of competition between the sexes, almost like men have stopped trying to make friendly
Is this what it has come to? Are guys resolved to lying in the cut and waiting for women to make the first moves? Sometimes, walking around the city, men don't want to speak or they'll look and don't speak but then you catch them looking BEHIND them.
I'm looking for a man I can spend the rest of my life with and start a family. I don't really have time, LITERALLY, to be playing these types of hide-and-go-seek games. I'm thinking of doing the adoption thing if push comes to shove and I don't have the opportunity to start a family with my husband.
I don't really want to be a single parent but a lot of men I've come across don't really want that kind of commitment. Am I wrong for not wishing to sacrifice my maternal yearnings if I can't/don't find a husband? Maybe you guys can start your own online datingservice?
I think I'm running out of options.
Please reassure me (or not!). Thanks, Chuck andGarland!
GARLAND: Thanks for your question and your compliments!
I've kinda' come across a decent amount of Sista's in your same situation. You've got things going for you, intelligent, attractive, focused and ready for that commitment that so many people want. There's only one problem...
I would love to give you some warm and fuzzy and sappy answer like, "Hold on Sister! Love is just around the corner." While that may be true, it just sounds too cookie-cutterish for me.
The thing about me and Chucks blog is that it is called "What are Men Thinking" which has a duel meaning... (1) What are Men [out in the world] Thinking when they do various things? and (2) What are [the] Men [named Chuck and Garland] Thinking about various things?
I'm going to answer you from both sides: First, in most major cities the number of single, eligible, adult women is so much greater than the number of single, eligible, men that a lot of guys don't feel the need to "go out of their way" to court a woman. Sadly, some women have to practically throw themselves at [some of these] men to get anything more than a "Hello". This is just a bad spot all around.
But what am I thinking? I thinking that maybe you should consider broadening your dating pool. NOW HOLD ON - Before folks want to snatch my BROTHER CARD [that I love so dearly!] let me plug in a caveat. I am all for same race dating. It is all I have ever done, it is all I have ever wanted to do. But the reality is - there are a lot of Sister's holding out, and holding out for that Brother in shining armor to roll up on them with roses and a ring. After a certain point, that "Brother" may not be coming on "your" schedule. And when that ring bearer arrives - he might be named Hector or Chad.
Another thing to consider is your comfort zone - sometimes we get so set in our ways that we don't really bring new people into our lives. I'm a big proponent of changing your scenery: a new grocery store, a new gas station, a different work schedule, new restaurants, a different branch of your gym, just anything to bring a new group of candidiates into your life!
I'm a romantic at heart, I always believe that love is out there to be found, it's just a question of when, where and how it is going to find you. Unfortunately, TRUE LOVE is like having the planets line up a certain way, IT HAPPENS, you just can't necessarily MAKE IT HAPPEN when you want it to!!!
The main thing is - Stay confident in who you are. Don't hesitate to "look" twice at the men you meet and NO MATTER WHAT just make sure you don't settle for ANY less than you truly deserve.LOVE IS OUT THERE FOR YOU.
CHUCK: US? Start an online dating service? HAH! I don't know about Garland, but if I was looking for a scam to steal people's money, it'd probably involve foreign lotteries or the Prince of Nigeria. Sorry.
Seriously though, I agree with Garland's assessment in large part. Black men have been fed a whole lot of crap about ratios of men v. women in urban areas, and too often it breeds a certain smugness. "I've got a job and make over $50,000 a year. There's 4 Black women to every man here. Why should I go after them? They better come to ME!" That's the attitude you're up against.
I agree completely with Garland's advice that you should open yourself up to other choices, both personally and environmentally. You'd be surprised how doing something simple like taking a class or visting Home Depot on the weekend can open you up to new experiences and maybe new people. And if you feel like you want to date outside the race, go ahead. We won't tell nobody.
However, I strongly suggest that you stop putting pressure on yourself with all that biological clock stuff. There's too much of that going on with women these days. Women are so focused on the objective sometimes (husband, kids, etc.) that they neglect the journey to get there.
And when I say that, I mean this: DON'T JUST SETTLE. There are a lot of women who will hold a rhinestone close to them, thinking that that's the only jewel they're ever gonna have. But you don't make that mistake. Ask any woman with a cheating, trifling, deadbeat babydaddy if they wished they hadn't settled for the man they ended up with, you might be surprised at the answer you get. Don't let that ratios and the biological clock force you into making a lasting mistake.
So, to sum up: Explore your options. Keep an open mind. Don't get discouraged. Sometimes, when you place less focus on things, they come to you. You're not even 34 yet. Hang in there.