QUESTION: Ok here goes: So I met this guy through work, almost a year and a half ago, he isn’t an employee of the company but he does stop in a few times a week to do business. We would casually have small talk in the beginning, nothing major. But over time, I started to like him and I could tell he started to like me. Several months after meeting, we tried getting together to go out for drinks and things but there was always an issue with one of us so we never really went out. A couple months after that, I don’t even know how it happened, but we started texting each other more and it turned sexual and it came out that we were both were attracted to each other but that if anything would happen, it would just be like a friends with benefits type of thing. After awhile we finally did hook up. Well we only got together that one time since, but we still try to see each other to get together but he’s always so busy with this job and he never has time for anything, even time for himself and his own life.
But since we hooked up that one time, we seem to be getting closer even though we’re haven’t slept each other since. Its still there though, the desire, I know he wants me and he knows I want him. There have been times where I would sneak into the restroom with him and he’d kiss me, make out for a couple minutes. It became a thing we did. But now we go outside to the parking lot where I walk him to his company vehicle and we kiss goodbye there. But he always initiates the kiss. And every time it’s so passionate, he moans every time I kiss him. It’s something in the way he kisses me, I can feel something more behind it. I feel like he has feelings for me but he’s kind of hard to read. I mean, we talk every time he comes in, we’ve messaged each other over other things besides sex. When he comes into my job and sees me, he automatically walks straight to me, we both do and people have noticed it, there’s even a been rumor about us for awhile now.
He’s recently started opening up more to me about himself and his life, he’s asked me my opinion on his appearance, things like that. I’ve been opening up to him too about myself, more so to show him that I want him to feel comfortable opening up to me. I went out of town for a week and he texted me a lot, just to say to be careful and find out about my trip. We’re texting a lot more now, I’m still always trying to give him his space, and sometimes when I do and I don’t text him, he’ll text me out of nowhere to just ask me what I’m doing. I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m almost sure he’s starting to feel something, I can feel it, or something when we’re together, but I don’t want mess things up between us either and tell him that I have feelings for him. It’s like right now, we’re technically not sleeping with each other, but the times that we do see each other at work, after we do our little flirting/talking and everything else, he always wants to kiss me and hold me. That’s why I don’t understand. Most fwb’s just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out. So I don’t understand him. I don’t know what to do. My question is what is he really feeling? What does he really want? Is he scared? Taking it slow or maybe trying to figure out how I feel about him?? HELP! Thanks!
GARLAND: You say that "most FWB's just want the sex and would never, ever want to just kiss and make out." I'll be real here, that sounds like a very bold statement, very bold and very confident. Are you certain that MOST FWB's don't want to kiss? Really, so is that a Gallup poll or a CBS poll that found that?
The reason that comment raises my eyebrow is because of the certainty in your claim. It sounds like someone who has convinced themselves of something and is making broad general statements to make everything nice and neat.
I think this guy wants just what he has, someone to get a little kissing and some heavy petting from.
I certainly don't know how old you are or where you work, but sneaking off to the bathroom for some kissing and snuggling sounds like something teenagers would do or a married man would try to pull off with someone he likes to flirt with.
The fact that you use the word text a lot sends up a bright red flag with me. Maybe you've never read this blog before, but I hate texters! I hate guys that aren't man enough or don't care enough about a woman to stop his day and CALL HER ON THE PHONE! He lets her hear his voice and he hears her voice. Phone calls are easy, they take just a few minutes and a modicum of privacy. A man needs to show a woman that she is worth him stopping his day to see how she is doing. Texting on the other hand is the lowest of the low when it comes to communications. A man can be sitting right next to his wife or girlfriend and popping out dozens of texts to any number of women - texting is the best way for a cheater to keep his happy main lady clueless and his clueless lady mainly happy. Demand More!
Finally, I just going to say it... I haven't blogged in a while and maybe I feel like I need to make up for lost time... You talk about how almost all of your interactions revolve around work and you mention that your co-workers are passing rumors about you - well, I'm sorry but that is not cute. Your co-workers aren't saying that you two look like peas in a pod or you should be standing on top of a wedding cake together, they are probably saying unflattering things about you and they are wondering why you - probably a nice, reasonable and likeable woman are sneaking into dirty bathrooms and wandering lovingly out into a parking lot to hold hands with a guy that spoon feeds his time and affection to you.
If you don't demand more - you'll get what you ask for.
You seem to acknowledge that you are fine with being Friends With Benefits, and you are fine with being at arms length with this guy's TRUE affections and you are fine with being someone that he has to take into a bathroom to be close to. You seem to be fine with the fact that that is what he wants from you. You asked if he is scared and I assume he's not scared of anything, aside from his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend finding out about you.
What is he feeling? He's feeling pretty happy that you aren't asking for anything from him.
Showing posts with label Catching Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Catching Feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday
So, What's Up Doc?
Dear Chuck and Garland.
While I was browsing through the internet, I came across your website and thus decides to drop you guys an email to seek your advices.
I am a 22 year old undergrad, I have been dating a dentist who is 12 years my senior for about 2 months already.
I know it's not right, but we kinda break the rule of having sex on the first date. At first I thought it was a one night stand, but the we went out a few times after that day and my feelings for him grew stronger..
Here's the thing, when I asked him what is our status now, he replied, "not yet dear, let's take it slowly..." On one occasion, he even said, "don't love him too much, save some for the future..."
But when we were out dating, he would gladly introduce me as his girlfriend. He is totally different when we were out dating..
A few days ago, he had high fever, so I called him several times in the day to ask about his status, but most of the time he did not answer the call. Once he even canceled the call and claimed that he was with his family so he could not picked up the call.
I'm seriously confused. What is he thinking? Sometimes he is hot and sometimes he is cold. I'm not sure if he is serious, and that what should I do now? Sometimes he makes me feel that he is only with me for sex, and nothing else...
Please advise, what should I do now? And what is he thinking?
GARLAND: Thanks for your question!
I don't think he's hot and cold per se, I just think that you are looking for and expecting him to be in love with you. Sex on the first date is what it is - SEX ON THE FIRST DATE. It's not a commitment and neither is his sticking around for a few more dates.
He's 34 and you're 22, so hopefully he's a bit wiser at this point in life when it comes to relationships and how he acts in them; I think that's why his answers are somewhat vague yet encouraging you to stay patient, enjoy the ride and see where you end up. Calling you 'his girlfriend' when he's out, is just that - you probably ARE his girlfriend. To many guys, having a girlfriend is not the same as being IN LOVE with a particular woman. Sure, some of us love our girlfriends, but many of us 'care a lot' about our girlfriends, we 'like them a lot' we are monogamous with them, but they are NOT our wives yet... and hopefully we all LOVE our wives. But, don't despair if he doesn't say he loves you and he doesn't 'define' your relationship beyond "We're in a good place," or "You're my special lady."
If he shows you respect when you are out and when you are together, and you don't get any major red flags, then your relationship is probably okay. A 34 year old guy, regardless of his profession, who dates a woman 12 years younger than him is probably very cautious and may worry a little bit about what his friends may think, so keep that in mind as you move forward. Don't put a gun to his head to make him use "The L Word", be a little patient but don't stay so long that you feel slighted or stagnant. Good luck, and I hope things move in positive direction for you - where ever that may be.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question!
I don't think he's hot and cold per se, I just think that you are looking for and expecting him to be in love with you. Sex on the first date is what it is - SEX ON THE FIRST DATE. It's not a commitment and neither is his sticking around for a few more dates.
He's 34 and you're 22, so hopefully he's a bit wiser at this point in life when it comes to relationships and how he acts in them; I think that's why his answers are somewhat vague yet encouraging you to stay patient, enjoy the ride and see where you end up. Calling you 'his girlfriend' when he's out, is just that - you probably ARE his girlfriend. To many guys, having a girlfriend is not the same as being IN LOVE with a particular woman. Sure, some of us love our girlfriends, but many of us 'care a lot' about our girlfriends, we 'like them a lot' we are monogamous with them, but they are NOT our wives yet... and hopefully we all LOVE our wives. But, don't despair if he doesn't say he loves you and he doesn't 'define' your relationship beyond "We're in a good place," or "You're my special lady."
If he shows you respect when you are out and when you are together, and you don't get any major red flags, then your relationship is probably okay. A 34 year old guy, regardless of his profession, who dates a woman 12 years younger than him is probably very cautious and may worry a little bit about what his friends may think, so keep that in mind as you move forward. Don't put a gun to his head to make him use "The L Word", be a little patient but don't stay so long that you feel slighted or stagnant. Good luck, and I hope things move in positive direction for you - where ever that may be.
Sunday
I want that shaken and not stirred... LMAO.
QUESTION: This is my story:
I met this guy about a year and half ago, he happens to be my best friend's husband's best friend, I was instantly attracted to him but kept my interest to myself because he lives about an hour and half away from me and we have many mutual friends. However, (thanks to the internet) we started to talk on a regular basis on google-chat about 6 months ago - we chatted about everything 4 or 5 days a week for hours on end. Both of us are very shy people, and awkward when it comes to flirting and relationships - so talking online makes everything easier. When I would see him at friends' events I noticed he would look at me a lot, and when I looked at him he would immediately look a way. At the onset of these events and parties, the two of us would ignore each other at the beginning, but by the end of the night we would be chatting alone together.
After about 2 months of chatting online, the two of us were at the same party. We both got fairly tipsy and flirted the entire night, and ended up making out after everyone had gone to bed. But, we never spoke about that instance until several months later. After this drunken make-out session he got a little distant, and we stopped chatting online for about a week, then out of the blue he tells me that he'll be in my city for work, and we should grab lunch! In his line of work he is required to travel a fair amount of the time, and after this first lunch non-date, we would always have lunch (sometimes he would pay, other times we went dutch) whenever he was in town. During these outings we would sometimes talk about past relationships and what we were looking for in a partner. We both have had horrible experiences in long term dating situations. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with someone who eventually became an alcoholic - fortunately for me I got out of that relationship before anything too terrible happened. My love interest was in a relationship with a woman who got pregnant with another man's child the first month they lived together, he had also purchased a wedding ring shortly before he discovered her infidelity. Needless to say, both of us are a little more than scarred.
As time passed, our relationship would slowly (emphasis on the word 'slowly') blossom, and we've started to become closer and closer over the past several months. A month later he and I were at another party, and we both got a little tipsy again and we ended up fooling around (no sex) in my friend's spare bedroom - we were at it for a good 3 hours, I remember the sun coming up and we were still fooling around. It was awesome. Again, we don't talk about this occurrence and he stops chatting with me online for another week. After this event he continued to let me know when he was in town, and we would have lunch.
Our many mutual friends started to catch on that we were starting to be more than friends, and would tease us. Every time I would flirt with him he wouldn't respond or he would get really nervous, so it was hard to tell his level of interest in me. At about month 5 of all of this happening I was still really confused about how he truly felt about me. I couldn't take it any more and let him know all of my feelings, and I had to push him to get any information out of him. Keep in mind I let him know this via text message (I'm shy, talking directly to someone about feelings scares me. Texting/online = safety) - I found out through our conversation that he was 1) concerned about the long distant thing, but we're only an hour and half apart and I let him know that it didn't bother me, 2) he had already been thinking about how things would work if we did start to date, 3) he was concerned about dating someone who was his best friend's wife's friend, 4) he wanted more physical relations with me.
A week later after this discussion, we went on what many people may define as a double date to a movie. It was just our two mutual married friends mentioned above, and us. I paid for the tickets, and he paid for the popcorn/drinks and dinner after the movie. During this non-double date he was flirting with me more than any other time that we had been in public together. Teasing, touching, hugging, texting each other at the table, etc.
Flash-forward another week and we go on our very first official date, I drive to his house and we planned that I would be staying for the entire weekend. Obviously, we end up having sex that night. It was probably the most romantic sex I've ever had. He gently kissed me, gazed into my eyes, pushed the hair out of my face, held my hand, held my face when he kissed me. The foreplay lasted for a good 3+ hours. However, when the actual sex part came around...he didn't last very long, and I could tell he was kinda surprised by this and felt bad. Saturday night came and he was hosting a party, as usual he doesn't pay much attention to me at the beginning, but towards the end of the night he had his hand on my ass in front of 15 of our closest friends - a big step. We didn't end up having sex that night b/c we were both wasted (too drunk to have sex, I know!). The next day before I left we cuddled on the couch watching netflix for a good 5-6 hours. Not to mention that two of his closest friends, who spent the night in the spare room, saw us cuddling in the same bed that very morning.
Since that night he's been a little distant, the texts and google chats have been very sparse. If I do send him a message he will respond almost immediately but the conversation doesn't go anywhere. It's been almost 2 weeks and we've barely talked to each other. So I'm just confused. I want to pursue a real relationship with him, I just don't know what I need to do.
Please help.
GARLAND: WOW? Uh, thanks for your question. In the six years that we’ve done this blog, I have never been a fan of long questions. I try to pick up specific points and sometimes it is hard to pick out the key details when I’m told about all sorts of different things, so I hope I can get to the crux of your concern.
Before I get to my answer let me just hit a few points.
ONE: Please tell me I read this wrong and you were NOT sitting at the same table with your friends and the two of you were TEXTING each other? This is not good. If you two can sit at the same table and chose to tap on your little qwerty keyboards instead of speaking to each other – then unfortunately, rough times may lie ahead.
TWO: Your friends ‘tease’ you because you two are attracted to each other? You may need some more mature friends. I fear they may tease you because you are wearing white on your wedding day.
To me, it seems that the two of you may be too timid and passive aggressive for your own good. I don’t mean to sound rude, and I’m not trying to be callous, but the two of you, according to what you’ve said, basically have to intoxicated in order to loosen-up enough to show each other any affection. That is NEVER a solid foundation for a relationship, though oddly I have heard of quite a few couples that disagreed with me.
And let me just hit this texting thing again. Chuck and I both agree that texting is going to prove to be the doom of most relationships. People rely too heavily on the safety and non-personal nature of texting and they lose the face to face passion that a relationship should bring. You [usually] can’t look someone in the eye when you text them. You can’t hear the changes in their voice to see if they are happy or sad or angry or lying. You can’t gauge whether someone is joking when they text, “SORRY I CAN’T COME OVER TONIGHT. I’M SCREWING MY BOSS. LOL” Now if someone said that to you, you could probably tell it was a joke. In a text message, it could be completely true and when they dump you, they can say, “Well, I told you I was screwing my boss!”
My suggestion is this. Make arrangements for a weekend together. Go someplace right between the two of you – forty-five minutes from both of you. Split the room 50/50 to eliminate that drama, leave your cell phones in the cars! And have NO alcoholic drinks for the whole weekend! If, and I’m dead serious here – if you can’t spend a whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon without your cell phones, without texting and without booze, then don’t waste your time trying to build a relationship together. Cut bait.
However, if you can pull this off. Take the weekend to talk about your feelings, your ideas, your plans for the future and see if the two of you can forge a relationship together. Really be candid and enjoy the time you have without your friends, and without having to be drunk and without your little electronic chaperones!
Best of luck. “GDBY”
I met this guy about a year and half ago, he happens to be my best friend's husband's best friend, I was instantly attracted to him but kept my interest to myself because he lives about an hour and half away from me and we have many mutual friends. However, (thanks to the internet) we started to talk on a regular basis on google-chat about 6 months ago - we chatted about everything 4 or 5 days a week for hours on end. Both of us are very shy people, and awkward when it comes to flirting and relationships - so talking online makes everything easier. When I would see him at friends' events I noticed he would look at me a lot, and when I looked at him he would immediately look a way. At the onset of these events and parties, the two of us would ignore each other at the beginning, but by the end of the night we would be chatting alone together.
After about 2 months of chatting online, the two of us were at the same party. We both got fairly tipsy and flirted the entire night, and ended up making out after everyone had gone to bed. But, we never spoke about that instance until several months later. After this drunken make-out session he got a little distant, and we stopped chatting online for about a week, then out of the blue he tells me that he'll be in my city for work, and we should grab lunch! In his line of work he is required to travel a fair amount of the time, and after this first lunch non-date, we would always have lunch (sometimes he would pay, other times we went dutch) whenever he was in town. During these outings we would sometimes talk about past relationships and what we were looking for in a partner. We both have had horrible experiences in long term dating situations. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with someone who eventually became an alcoholic - fortunately for me I got out of that relationship before anything too terrible happened. My love interest was in a relationship with a woman who got pregnant with another man's child the first month they lived together, he had also purchased a wedding ring shortly before he discovered her infidelity. Needless to say, both of us are a little more than scarred.
As time passed, our relationship would slowly (emphasis on the word 'slowly') blossom, and we've started to become closer and closer over the past several months. A month later he and I were at another party, and we both got a little tipsy again and we ended up fooling around (no sex) in my friend's spare bedroom - we were at it for a good 3 hours, I remember the sun coming up and we were still fooling around. It was awesome. Again, we don't talk about this occurrence and he stops chatting with me online for another week. After this event he continued to let me know when he was in town, and we would have lunch.
Our many mutual friends started to catch on that we were starting to be more than friends, and would tease us. Every time I would flirt with him he wouldn't respond or he would get really nervous, so it was hard to tell his level of interest in me. At about month 5 of all of this happening I was still really confused about how he truly felt about me. I couldn't take it any more and let him know all of my feelings, and I had to push him to get any information out of him. Keep in mind I let him know this via text message (I'm shy, talking directly to someone about feelings scares me. Texting/online = safety) - I found out through our conversation that he was 1) concerned about the long distant thing, but we're only an hour and half apart and I let him know that it didn't bother me, 2) he had already been thinking about how things would work if we did start to date, 3) he was concerned about dating someone who was his best friend's wife's friend, 4) he wanted more physical relations with me.
A week later after this discussion, we went on what many people may define as a double date to a movie. It was just our two mutual married friends mentioned above, and us. I paid for the tickets, and he paid for the popcorn/drinks and dinner after the movie. During this non-double date he was flirting with me more than any other time that we had been in public together. Teasing, touching, hugging, texting each other at the table, etc.
Flash-forward another week and we go on our very first official date, I drive to his house and we planned that I would be staying for the entire weekend. Obviously, we end up having sex that night. It was probably the most romantic sex I've ever had. He gently kissed me, gazed into my eyes, pushed the hair out of my face, held my hand, held my face when he kissed me. The foreplay lasted for a good 3+ hours. However, when the actual sex part came around...he didn't last very long, and I could tell he was kinda surprised by this and felt bad. Saturday night came and he was hosting a party, as usual he doesn't pay much attention to me at the beginning, but towards the end of the night he had his hand on my ass in front of 15 of our closest friends - a big step. We didn't end up having sex that night b/c we were both wasted (too drunk to have sex, I know!). The next day before I left we cuddled on the couch watching netflix for a good 5-6 hours. Not to mention that two of his closest friends, who spent the night in the spare room, saw us cuddling in the same bed that very morning.
Since that night he's been a little distant, the texts and google chats have been very sparse. If I do send him a message he will respond almost immediately but the conversation doesn't go anywhere. It's been almost 2 weeks and we've barely talked to each other. So I'm just confused. I want to pursue a real relationship with him, I just don't know what I need to do.
Please help.
GARLAND: WOW? Uh, thanks for your question. In the six years that we’ve done this blog, I have never been a fan of long questions. I try to pick up specific points and sometimes it is hard to pick out the key details when I’m told about all sorts of different things, so I hope I can get to the crux of your concern.
Before I get to my answer let me just hit a few points.
ONE: Please tell me I read this wrong and you were NOT sitting at the same table with your friends and the two of you were TEXTING each other? This is not good. If you two can sit at the same table and chose to tap on your little qwerty keyboards instead of speaking to each other – then unfortunately, rough times may lie ahead.
TWO: Your friends ‘tease’ you because you two are attracted to each other? You may need some more mature friends. I fear they may tease you because you are wearing white on your wedding day.
To me, it seems that the two of you may be too timid and passive aggressive for your own good. I don’t mean to sound rude, and I’m not trying to be callous, but the two of you, according to what you’ve said, basically have to intoxicated in order to loosen-up enough to show each other any affection. That is NEVER a solid foundation for a relationship, though oddly I have heard of quite a few couples that disagreed with me.
And let me just hit this texting thing again. Chuck and I both agree that texting is going to prove to be the doom of most relationships. People rely too heavily on the safety and non-personal nature of texting and they lose the face to face passion that a relationship should bring. You [usually] can’t look someone in the eye when you text them. You can’t hear the changes in their voice to see if they are happy or sad or angry or lying. You can’t gauge whether someone is joking when they text, “SORRY I CAN’T COME OVER TONIGHT. I’M SCREWING MY BOSS. LOL” Now if someone said that to you, you could probably tell it was a joke. In a text message, it could be completely true and when they dump you, they can say, “Well, I told you I was screwing my boss!”
My suggestion is this. Make arrangements for a weekend together. Go someplace right between the two of you – forty-five minutes from both of you. Split the room 50/50 to eliminate that drama, leave your cell phones in the cars! And have NO alcoholic drinks for the whole weekend! If, and I’m dead serious here – if you can’t spend a whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon without your cell phones, without texting and without booze, then don’t waste your time trying to build a relationship together. Cut bait.
However, if you can pull this off. Take the weekend to talk about your feelings, your ideas, your plans for the future and see if the two of you can forge a relationship together. Really be candid and enjoy the time you have without your friends, and without having to be drunk and without your little electronic chaperones!
Best of luck. “GDBY”
Meet me in the copier room... we need to talk.
Hi Chuck & Garland,
This is my question- does he genuinely like me or is it just sex or friendship he's after?
I joined a company 6 months ago. I am 33 and married for 5 yrs and he is 31 and involved. From the day I joined I noticed him looking at me across the room and have caught his eyes couple of times. Since we are in 2 different divisions although he sits behind me in an open plan office our interactions have been very few over 6 months. When ever we interact he talks very softly and "caringly"(very politely in other words) and blushes. He tends to blush with everyone but a bit more so with me. All this attracted me towards him over 6 months and now I cant stop thinking about him. It doesn't help the fact that I decided to marry my best friend and compromise on passion. I feel I can have a passionate relationship with this guy if he ever decides to make a move.
This is why I think he likes me;
1. He smiles alot when I go over to talk to me as if he's very happy to see me
2. Every time he speaks to me - he is extremely polite with a soft voice- nicer to me than I 've hear him around others
3. He blushes around me
4. He has a very unusual name which I keep pronouncing wrong- he has never corrected me although I've seen him correcting others. When I apologised for it he said the way I pronounce his name sounds nice somehow.
5. He has given me 2 eye brow flashes when he sees me for the first time in the day, throughout the 6 months- first one about 2 months ago and the second couple of days ago.
This is why I think he is not interested romantically and interested in just being a friend or only attracted to me sexually:
1. When we do talk I try to linger the eye contact so he knows I like him(I have even looked at his chest while he was looking at me to show I like what I see!) but his smiling gaze goes from my eyes to elsewhere and back to my eyes and elsewhere again- he never maintains a lingering eye contact even if he;s red in the face and smiling silly.
2. He has a lot of friends- guys and girls a like- but have never seen him being loud and outgoing- he maybe well behaved around me or simply could be a flirt??
3. When transferring objects(only happened twice) he goes out of his way not to touch my fingers. He has never touched me or attempted to.
4. If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.
I would very much appreciate a guy's opinion on this.
Thanks
S
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Let me take a crack at giving you a guys perspective on it.
I can’t really sink my teeth into any of the examples you cited. I’m not trying to be difficult but you can actually flip any of your examples around and take them to mean the opposite of what you think they mean.
For example, you think he doesn’t like you because, “If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.” I could spin that and say he DOES like you because, he doesn’t look at you in the fear that everyone in the meeting would see the look in his eyes and know that he’s attracted to you and he doesn’t want his feelings known.
You think he likes you because, “He smiles a lot when I go over to talk as if he's very happy to see me.” And, I could rationalize that into him NOT liking you because he could be smiling to hide how much he can’t stand you. He could be saying, “Smile Jimmy. Smile. Don’t let her see how much she gets on your nerves.
Okay, look I’m just adding a neutral perspective on your situation.
Let me give you my real take on this. I honestly don’t know if he likes you or not. I’m a guy that’s big on letting people know how I feel about them, but you two can’t really do that at this point. This guy and you are both beating around the bush and for good reason, you are married and he has a girlfriend. The two of you can’t risk putting your feelings out in the closed in environment of work. What if he doesn’t like you like that? What if he does and the people in the office get wind of what the two of you two are doing? There is a lot at play in this situation and a lot at risk.
I think, I’m sorry – I KNOW the answer lies with the chap that you like. Despite my warnings above, the only way you will know for sure is to take some time and think about yourself, your husband, your marriage and your future and you have to decide one of two things – ONE, either you will approach this co-worker of yours in a private, away-from-work location and ask him straight-up how he feels about you, or TWO, decide that his feelings for you have no real benefit to your life or your future and you don’t push the issue any further. I’m not saying which one is right because I don’t know you personally, but YOU have to figure out what you want and what are willing to risk to get it and/or keep it.
This guy knows how he feels, YOU have to figure out if you REALLY AND TRULY want to know. You have to make a decision and you have to accept it and move forward. I wish you the best in your situation!
This is my question- does he genuinely like me or is it just sex or friendship he's after?
I joined a company 6 months ago. I am 33 and married for 5 yrs and he is 31 and involved. From the day I joined I noticed him looking at me across the room and have caught his eyes couple of times. Since we are in 2 different divisions although he sits behind me in an open plan office our interactions have been very few over 6 months. When ever we interact he talks very softly and "caringly"(very politely in other words) and blushes. He tends to blush with everyone but a bit more so with me. All this attracted me towards him over 6 months and now I cant stop thinking about him. It doesn't help the fact that I decided to marry my best friend and compromise on passion. I feel I can have a passionate relationship with this guy if he ever decides to make a move.
This is why I think he likes me;
1. He smiles alot when I go over to talk to me as if he's very happy to see me
2. Every time he speaks to me - he is extremely polite with a soft voice- nicer to me than I 've hear him around others
3. He blushes around me
4. He has a very unusual name which I keep pronouncing wrong- he has never corrected me although I've seen him correcting others. When I apologised for it he said the way I pronounce his name sounds nice somehow.
5. He has given me 2 eye brow flashes when he sees me for the first time in the day, throughout the 6 months- first one about 2 months ago and the second couple of days ago.
This is why I think he is not interested romantically and interested in just being a friend or only attracted to me sexually:
1. When we do talk I try to linger the eye contact so he knows I like him(I have even looked at his chest while he was looking at me to show I like what I see!) but his smiling gaze goes from my eyes to elsewhere and back to my eyes and elsewhere again- he never maintains a lingering eye contact even if he;s red in the face and smiling silly.
2. He has a lot of friends- guys and girls a like- but have never seen him being loud and outgoing- he maybe well behaved around me or simply could be a flirt??
3. When transferring objects(only happened twice) he goes out of his way not to touch my fingers. He has never touched me or attempted to.
4. If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.
I would very much appreciate a guy's opinion on this.
Thanks
S
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Let me take a crack at giving you a guys perspective on it.
I can’t really sink my teeth into any of the examples you cited. I’m not trying to be difficult but you can actually flip any of your examples around and take them to mean the opposite of what you think they mean.
For example, you think he doesn’t like you because, “If we were in a small gathering with other collegues I would never catch him looking at me.- as if I am the last person on his mind to notice.” I could spin that and say he DOES like you because, he doesn’t look at you in the fear that everyone in the meeting would see the look in his eyes and know that he’s attracted to you and he doesn’t want his feelings known.
You think he likes you because, “He smiles a lot when I go over to talk as if he's very happy to see me.” And, I could rationalize that into him NOT liking you because he could be smiling to hide how much he can’t stand you. He could be saying, “Smile Jimmy. Smile. Don’t let her see how much she gets on your nerves.
Okay, look I’m just adding a neutral perspective on your situation.
Let me give you my real take on this. I honestly don’t know if he likes you or not. I’m a guy that’s big on letting people know how I feel about them, but you two can’t really do that at this point. This guy and you are both beating around the bush and for good reason, you are married and he has a girlfriend. The two of you can’t risk putting your feelings out in the closed in environment of work. What if he doesn’t like you like that? What if he does and the people in the office get wind of what the two of you two are doing? There is a lot at play in this situation and a lot at risk.
I think, I’m sorry – I KNOW the answer lies with the chap that you like. Despite my warnings above, the only way you will know for sure is to take some time and think about yourself, your husband, your marriage and your future and you have to decide one of two things – ONE, either you will approach this co-worker of yours in a private, away-from-work location and ask him straight-up how he feels about you, or TWO, decide that his feelings for you have no real benefit to your life or your future and you don’t push the issue any further. I’m not saying which one is right because I don’t know you personally, but YOU have to figure out what you want and what are willing to risk to get it and/or keep it.
This guy knows how he feels, YOU have to figure out if you REALLY AND TRULY want to know. You have to make a decision and you have to accept it and move forward. I wish you the best in your situation!
CHUCK: I can't make head or tail of your signs, either. "He smiles, he avoids my touch, etc." It may mean something. It may mean nothing. It may mean something one time, and nothing the next time. It may... You get the idea. What I'm saying is, I can't decipher this guy's behavior. I don't know him. You don't, either.
What you're doing with this question, really, is taking two issues, and combining them into one. And your dilemma cannot be addressed until you separate those issues, and address them as such. So...
Issue #1: You are married, but apparently unfulfilled. Why else would you care so much about what some dude in the office thinks about you? You say that you made a decision years ago to marry your best friend and "compromise on passion." That may have been enough at that point, but it doesn't look like it is anymore. You are taking what is a casual relationship, and putting a whole lot into it. Maybe it's time for you to reassess your marriage, and determine if you still want to stick with the compromise you made. But don't do that just because you're thinking about your co-worker.
Issue #2: You can't figure out what your co-worker's intentions are, based on his actions. As I said above, we really can't figure out what he feels about you. Which is the main reason you can't be making crucial life decisions based on what you believe he thinks. He may view you as attractive, he may have thought about pursuing you. But he is attached, and he knows that you're attached, and has decided not to pursue you. Plus, the workplace is a minefield for relationships, even when couples are unattached. Let's give this man some credit for his restraint.
In my view, what you need to dom first and foremost, is decide whether you want to remain married or not. You apparently want more passion in your life than you have now, and, if so, you should pursue it. Maybe your future lies with this man in your office. Maybe not. But you should be free of your attachments before you give it real consideration.
Thursday
Yes or No Question
QUESTION: Hello Chuck n Garland!
First of all, Thank you for you two wonderful men and your blog!
I am at a crossroad n I do not know how to make my next move! I have met this guy and we have sort of been hanging out and seeing each other a lot over the weekends (he lives an hr away from my hometown so we kinda alternate between his hometown n mine; every fortnight at his n the other at mine) for 2 months now. We both know that we like each other n I have met his parents when I stay over at his and they have been really easygoing and receptive all the time.
So it was last Friday after a rather early night out from his local pub, he asked "so r we sorta seeing each other?" and I said "er yea.......(long pause)........oh, r we?" and he replied "oh....well...doesnt matter i do enjoy hanging out with u anyway! its always good to see u n we have such amazing time". i knew i just shot myself in the foot. what a silly reply!!! I wished I could turn back time n gave him an affirmative YES. I knew I wanted it but I guess I was just kinda shy...what a twat i was!!! now I do not know what to do, should I broach the subject or wait for him to do it? I do not mind opening up first this time because I do not want to let go of such great man. hes a real gentleman, sensitive and really respectful towards me, his family n friends. and despite the subtle 'slap in the face', we still had an amazing weekend with his mates. no talks bout that subject again. everything normal. i left for home on tues.
also, hes going to university which is 5hrs train ride from where i live in september... i do not know if its worth giving it a try? we have kinda talked bout me going down once in a while n being more than welcome to crash at his flat when im not working over the weekends.
any advise from the both of u would be worth more than anything! thks a bunch!!!!
Chuck is right, don't try to get THAT special moment back though - but I say be agressive and make another opportunity to talk about your feelings. I always like just speaking up, risking a little embarrassment, and speaking my mind. That doesn't always work, but it is a darn site better than sitting idle and wishing on a star to fall you way. The next time you see him, take a deep breath and just talk to him about what you are feeling and give him a chance to talk [like a grown up] about what he's feeling. Look at it this way, YOU have the advantage! You have time to REHEARSE what you want to say!
My vote: YES! Put your cards on the table and see how he plays his hand!
Very best of luck!!!!
First of all, Thank you for you two wonderful men and your blog!
I am at a crossroad n I do not know how to make my next move! I have met this guy and we have sort of been hanging out and seeing each other a lot over the weekends (he lives an hr away from my hometown so we kinda alternate between his hometown n mine; every fortnight at his n the other at mine) for 2 months now. We both know that we like each other n I have met his parents when I stay over at his and they have been really easygoing and receptive all the time.
So it was last Friday after a rather early night out from his local pub, he asked "so r we sorta seeing each other?" and I said "er yea.......(long pause)........oh, r we?" and he replied "oh....well...doesnt matter i do enjoy hanging out with u anyway! its always good to see u n we have such amazing time". i knew i just shot myself in the foot. what a silly reply!!! I wished I could turn back time n gave him an affirmative YES. I knew I wanted it but I guess I was just kinda shy...what a twat i was!!! now I do not know what to do, should I broach the subject or wait for him to do it? I do not mind opening up first this time because I do not want to let go of such great man. hes a real gentleman, sensitive and really respectful towards me, his family n friends. and despite the subtle 'slap in the face', we still had an amazing weekend with his mates. no talks bout that subject again. everything normal. i left for home on tues.
also, hes going to university which is 5hrs train ride from where i live in september... i do not know if its worth giving it a try? we have kinda talked bout me going down once in a while n being more than welcome to crash at his flat when im not working over the weekends.
any advise from the both of u would be worth more than anything! thks a bunch!!!!
CHUCK: Gee. What's wrong with this picture? NOTHING!
Or almost nothing. This guy is supposedly sensitive, respectful, has nice parents, you enjoy his company. But you still pull back when he (that is, HE) asks for some small commitment between you. I say again: WTF.
I would like some more background on you. What experiences have you had that made you freeze up at his "going steady" question? Have you had any really bad romantic experiences? Did you have someone reject you when you approached them in a similar fashion? Is there any reason that would make you uneasy?
I understand if you were momentarily surprised, though. Men these days have conditioned women to expect them to avoid any relationship conversation like it was a guy with no pants on the subway. But there may be a couple of issues that are unconsciously giving you pause. Are you sure you want to be this guy's girlfriend? If you don't, that may be the source of the hesitation. And if you don't, well, that's all right. Just please, let him know that you don't feel the same way about him that he may about you.
Or you may be hesitant about his coming move to the university. Are you reluctant to be seeing someone that is five hours away from you? Again, it's understandable if that causes you problems. I don't see that as being an insurmountable distance. We've gotten questions from women in previous posts who are conducting relationships with men in different countries. Not always successfully, mind you. But I've always said that if a couple is mature enough, and committed enough, they can make a long distance relationship work.
If you find yourself feeling embarassed and guilty that you didn't answer him as quickly or decisively as you felt you should have, though, don't try to hard to try to get that moment back. You'll only call attention to yourself. Instead, wait for an opportunity of your own to show him how you feel about him, and that you're glad to be in his company. Odds are that you'll find one soon enough.
GARLAND: I think you should think hard about whether or not you can handle a long distance relationship with him being a 5 hour trin ride away. That's a big issue. If the answer is "Yes," or even, "I think so." then you should step up and let this guy know what's on your mind.
Chuck is right, don't try to get THAT special moment back though - but I say be agressive and make another opportunity to talk about your feelings. I always like just speaking up, risking a little embarrassment, and speaking my mind. That doesn't always work, but it is a darn site better than sitting idle and wishing on a star to fall you way. The next time you see him, take a deep breath and just talk to him about what you are feeling and give him a chance to talk [like a grown up] about what he's feeling. Look at it this way, YOU have the advantage! You have time to REHEARSE what you want to say!
My vote: YES! Put your cards on the table and see how he plays his hand!
Very best of luck!!!!
Friday
Bare Bones Relationship
QUESTION: What a great blog! I really like that you guys give honest, open frank advice.
So here's my situation,
In my dating life, I am always told that I am too intimidating because I happen to be a very well educated independent woman...being mindful of this, I try to only date guys who are equally well educated, assuming that those types won't be intimidated by me. Well about 3 years ago, I met a guy at a conference, who I felt was equally well educated and we talked very briefly after he invited me into a conversation he was having with a group of friends. I was suprised he even knew my name but I joined the conversation for about 10 minutes and then we did not really talk again, although I saw him at a couple of parties after then, I would just say hi and that would be it. Well, about 2 years ago, I added him as a friend on FB, and saw that on his status that he was working overseas in a country I was planning to visit the next month. I send him a private message saying that I was coming to the country, wanted to know if there were any great places to go in the area.
He responded with he would still be in the area when I got there and asked me to let me know when I was around. The next month, after I arrived in the country, I sent him a FB Message saying I was there and he responded telling me to call him. I waited about 3 days and then called. We talked but did not make plans to meet since he was going out of the country the next day. He got back in the country the next week and sends me a FB msg saying he was back and that we should hang out sometime in the week. I was out of town that day but sent him a message to let him know I would be back the next day and I would call him. However, the next day I got busy and waited until the following day to call him and when we talked, he asked me if I wanted to get together that night, I said that it was too late to do so but didn't explain why (I could not because of security in the neighboorhood I stayed having a 7 pm curfew). He immediatly back tracked and says that its okay, I should come to this group dinner he was having the next night for a friend. I go and meet all his friends. The party was fun but again I had to leave early and didn't tell him why (same security reasons) He asked me to stay once, but I said no.
After that I sent him a message to say that I was leaving the country and explained why I left early during the group dinner and let him know that if he was ever back in my city back in the US, he should let me know. A couple of months later, he was back in the states and sent me a FB message asking how I was doing. We communicate for the next few months over FB because it turned out that he was moving permantely out of the country. During this time, he never took more than a week to respond to any FB message I sent him and neither did I. After about 3 months, we fell out of contact and he sent me a message about 5 months after we fell out of contact, wishing me happy birthday and asking me what I was up to. I responded the next day thanking him and asking him what he was up to and how he liked living abroad. He waits 3 months to respond to that message and says he was sorry, didn't see the msg...etc. I respond immediatly, saying that it was okay, we go back and forth over FB message for the next month or so. During this time period, I let him know that I was coming to the country he was in for work around Christmas time and he suggests that we meet up again when I get there. We fall out of contact because he didn't respond to one message I sent him so I just wait and message him 3 months later when I am in his country and he suggests we get together for drinks. I was about 20 minutes late in meeting him and he mentioned my lateness at least 3 times during the evening as if he couldn't believe I had him waiting. I apologized and blamed it on poor driving conditions in the country. Also, I assumed it was going to be just us getting drinks and it ends up being him, me and some friends of his that were visting from the U.S. as well (3 guys, 1 girl). During the get together, I felt he spent most of his time, trying to impress his friends. Making comments like "o man you can't come by the house later tonight because I'll be busy" and laughing which I felt was like the equivalent of him saying he and I were going to have sex that night. Also, at some point, the water brings my unmixed drink and I am forced to mix it myself. In doing so I spill it and I tell him that I would not have spilled it if he had just poured it for me. He says "Oh you know you independent woman, I didn't ask to help you because you might say, I can pour my own drink" I simply replied, I would never say that. Anyway, his friends left and when he and I just sat down to talk, the conversation was good. I felt like when he stop putting on a show for his friends and actually talked to me it was nice. After some time, he started talking about work and a project he really had to finish and looking down at his blackberry, so I took that as a cue to end the evening. We hugged goodbye and he asked me to call him when I got home. I get home and discovered all the electricity was out (remember foreign country!) plus I had been drinking quite a bit so I call him and I say I am home but there is a problem, all the lights are out and I am all by myself and I asked if he wanted to come over an entertain me. He chuckled and said no, that he really had to finish this project he was working on. I felt hurt and rejected because in my mind, I was clearly asking him to come over and have sex with me. The next day, he sent me a text message that said something like..."sorry I couldn't come over last night, I hope everything was okay" I responded saying I was fine and that I hoped his project went well. I didn't hear from him again and I left the country 4 days after our last communication. No communication between the two of us for about 2 months. Then he sends me a FB message saying that he was in the U.S. and hadn't heard from me so he wanted to check on me. I responded the next day with I was good and asking how he was. He doesn't respond for 5 months and then two days ago sends me a message saying he was sorry, he thought he had already responded but hadn't. Then he tells me he recently left his job, was thinking about starting his own business, and asked how things were with me. I saw this message and was hurt. 5 months of non-communication is unacceptable and I had already put him out my mind...but the message brought him to the forefront and it had me thinking again about how much I like him and how great we'd be together.
Now, I want to respond to his message but my pride won't let me because he waited so long to respond to my last message. Plus, I am tired of the nice cordial FB messages, I want to know if he's interested in me or not, its been almost 2 years of the random communication and I am sick of it. I would like to get to know each other on a serious level and maybe even start a relationship if he comes back to the US soon. Anyway, I am confused by his actions...nothing he has done shows clear interest to me but if he's not interested, then why is he stringing me along, it can't be for the sex, because I feel like I already offered that to him and he declined. So what is it? What should I do, Haven't I "put myself" out there enough for him to get it and shouldn't I assume he just doesn't want to get it or have I been sending mixed messages this whole time? How do I be clearer about what I want from him? Is this something, I can do over FB, or something I should ask him to call me from overseas to explain?
CHUCK: The police officer at an accident I passed the other night said it best: Move along, folks. Nothing to see here. In all of your two years of FB messages, international travel, mild flirting, and near curfew violations, you have not even come close to being in a relationship with this man. You're not even in the ballpark.
I can understand how you might think, what with the international distance that is frequently between you, that you must be missing out on something great with this guy. But the fact is that the geographic distance is less of an obstacle than the emotional distance. If you were truly meant to be together, once you were in the same country with him, you would rush to be near his side, and vice versa. Instead, you let days go by, call him as an afterthought, spend most of your time together in the company of his friends, and hurry away to meet your curfew. And when you're not in the same country, he lets long periods of time lapse between contacting you. You'd have to admit: this is far from the Greatest Love Story Ever Known.
I think that what's happened here is you've built up a relationship with this man in your head, more from conjecture and speculation than on actual events. A guy who goes five months without contacting you at all is NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. It seems as though the closest you have come to this guy was when he was trying to put some awkward show on for his friends by flirting with you. But that may have been just him being a prick. And having sex with you has progressed so far out of the realm of possibility with him, that he completely misses your hints that he should come over and get some.
If you want to really get together with this guy, and it is still possible, it time to finally put some meat on this relationship's bones. You have never said that you have made a direct appeal to this man's affections. Maybe now is the time for that. Send him an FB message, to reserve a time to SPEAK TO HIM on the phone. Let him know how you've been feeling about the possibilities to enrich your relationship together. See how he feels. If he feels the same, you approaching him directly might shock him out of the complacency that allows him to treat your messages so cavilierly. If he doesn't feel the same, well, what have you lost, anyway? Give it a shot. Good luck.
GARLAND: I'm going to disagree with Chuck on this one. His answer started with what I'm thinking... "Move along. Nothing to see here." but he finished with a splash of optimism. I'm just not in agreement.
I think that after two years and international travels and back and forth and FB messages this and FB messages that, I just don't think hunting this fellow down for swing at a relationship would be in your best interest.
Just to grab a few specific points you made - the pouring of the drink... I am amazed that you could remember such a specific fact. I kinda' have to agree with your friend on this one - the first thing you told Chuck and I was that you were very independant. I'm pretty sure a strong, intelligent and independent woman wouldn't suddenly fall helpless to a few shot glasses of liquid and a shaker of ice. I think he knew the score on that one. And, as far as him telling his friends, "I'm gonna be busy later tonight..." Isn't that what he told you too? Didn't he say he had a project for his job to work on? I think he was talking about working on his project, and you thought he was talking about working on you!
Also, the whole 'inviting him over for sex' on the same night he tells you he has an important project for work... well, that's pretty selfish on your part. You could have invited him over on any night of the week, but you wanted him to choose YOU over his job. You wanted him to go to work the next day shorthanded, so you could show him that you're the boss. I think that it is good that he even spoke to you after that one - if that was me, and you pulled that kind of power-struggle move on me, I would have kicked you to the curb. But that's not answering your question...
I think for your sake you should write this guy off. He probably thinks that you are a nice person and he likes keeping up with you on FB and maybe having a drink or two now and then. But if this guy wanted to date you or be in love with you, I think he would have made it clear by now. I think you are arranging him and your feelings for him in a manner that makes him seem like he could be [or should be] The One. I think that is a title that he probably doesn't want. You and your time are more valuable than that. I think your efforts are better spent on a guy that is there with you, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Thanks for your question, and best of luck to you!
So here's my situation,
In my dating life, I am always told that I am too intimidating because I happen to be a very well educated independent woman...being mindful of this, I try to only date guys who are equally well educated, assuming that those types won't be intimidated by me. Well about 3 years ago, I met a guy at a conference, who I felt was equally well educated and we talked very briefly after he invited me into a conversation he was having with a group of friends. I was suprised he even knew my name but I joined the conversation for about 10 minutes and then we did not really talk again, although I saw him at a couple of parties after then, I would just say hi and that would be it. Well, about 2 years ago, I added him as a friend on FB, and saw that on his status that he was working overseas in a country I was planning to visit the next month. I send him a private message saying that I was coming to the country, wanted to know if there were any great places to go in the area.
He responded with he would still be in the area when I got there and asked me to let me know when I was around. The next month, after I arrived in the country, I sent him a FB Message saying I was there and he responded telling me to call him. I waited about 3 days and then called. We talked but did not make plans to meet since he was going out of the country the next day. He got back in the country the next week and sends me a FB msg saying he was back and that we should hang out sometime in the week. I was out of town that day but sent him a message to let him know I would be back the next day and I would call him. However, the next day I got busy and waited until the following day to call him and when we talked, he asked me if I wanted to get together that night, I said that it was too late to do so but didn't explain why (I could not because of security in the neighboorhood I stayed having a 7 pm curfew). He immediatly back tracked and says that its okay, I should come to this group dinner he was having the next night for a friend. I go and meet all his friends. The party was fun but again I had to leave early and didn't tell him why (same security reasons) He asked me to stay once, but I said no.
After that I sent him a message to say that I was leaving the country and explained why I left early during the group dinner and let him know that if he was ever back in my city back in the US, he should let me know. A couple of months later, he was back in the states and sent me a FB message asking how I was doing. We communicate for the next few months over FB because it turned out that he was moving permantely out of the country. During this time, he never took more than a week to respond to any FB message I sent him and neither did I. After about 3 months, we fell out of contact and he sent me a message about 5 months after we fell out of contact, wishing me happy birthday and asking me what I was up to. I responded the next day thanking him and asking him what he was up to and how he liked living abroad. He waits 3 months to respond to that message and says he was sorry, didn't see the msg...etc. I respond immediatly, saying that it was okay, we go back and forth over FB message for the next month or so. During this time period, I let him know that I was coming to the country he was in for work around Christmas time and he suggests that we meet up again when I get there. We fall out of contact because he didn't respond to one message I sent him so I just wait and message him 3 months later when I am in his country and he suggests we get together for drinks. I was about 20 minutes late in meeting him and he mentioned my lateness at least 3 times during the evening as if he couldn't believe I had him waiting. I apologized and blamed it on poor driving conditions in the country. Also, I assumed it was going to be just us getting drinks and it ends up being him, me and some friends of his that were visting from the U.S. as well (3 guys, 1 girl). During the get together, I felt he spent most of his time, trying to impress his friends. Making comments like "o man you can't come by the house later tonight because I'll be busy" and laughing which I felt was like the equivalent of him saying he and I were going to have sex that night. Also, at some point, the water brings my unmixed drink and I am forced to mix it myself. In doing so I spill it and I tell him that I would not have spilled it if he had just poured it for me. He says "Oh you know you independent woman, I didn't ask to help you because you might say, I can pour my own drink" I simply replied, I would never say that. Anyway, his friends left and when he and I just sat down to talk, the conversation was good. I felt like when he stop putting on a show for his friends and actually talked to me it was nice. After some time, he started talking about work and a project he really had to finish and looking down at his blackberry, so I took that as a cue to end the evening. We hugged goodbye and he asked me to call him when I got home. I get home and discovered all the electricity was out (remember foreign country!) plus I had been drinking quite a bit so I call him and I say I am home but there is a problem, all the lights are out and I am all by myself and I asked if he wanted to come over an entertain me. He chuckled and said no, that he really had to finish this project he was working on. I felt hurt and rejected because in my mind, I was clearly asking him to come over and have sex with me. The next day, he sent me a text message that said something like..."sorry I couldn't come over last night, I hope everything was okay" I responded saying I was fine and that I hoped his project went well. I didn't hear from him again and I left the country 4 days after our last communication. No communication between the two of us for about 2 months. Then he sends me a FB message saying that he was in the U.S. and hadn't heard from me so he wanted to check on me. I responded the next day with I was good and asking how he was. He doesn't respond for 5 months and then two days ago sends me a message saying he was sorry, he thought he had already responded but hadn't. Then he tells me he recently left his job, was thinking about starting his own business, and asked how things were with me. I saw this message and was hurt. 5 months of non-communication is unacceptable and I had already put him out my mind...but the message brought him to the forefront and it had me thinking again about how much I like him and how great we'd be together.
Now, I want to respond to his message but my pride won't let me because he waited so long to respond to my last message. Plus, I am tired of the nice cordial FB messages, I want to know if he's interested in me or not, its been almost 2 years of the random communication and I am sick of it. I would like to get to know each other on a serious level and maybe even start a relationship if he comes back to the US soon. Anyway, I am confused by his actions...nothing he has done shows clear interest to me but if he's not interested, then why is he stringing me along, it can't be for the sex, because I feel like I already offered that to him and he declined. So what is it? What should I do, Haven't I "put myself" out there enough for him to get it and shouldn't I assume he just doesn't want to get it or have I been sending mixed messages this whole time? How do I be clearer about what I want from him? Is this something, I can do over FB, or something I should ask him to call me from overseas to explain?
CHUCK: The police officer at an accident I passed the other night said it best: Move along, folks. Nothing to see here. In all of your two years of FB messages, international travel, mild flirting, and near curfew violations, you have not even come close to being in a relationship with this man. You're not even in the ballpark.
I can understand how you might think, what with the international distance that is frequently between you, that you must be missing out on something great with this guy. But the fact is that the geographic distance is less of an obstacle than the emotional distance. If you were truly meant to be together, once you were in the same country with him, you would rush to be near his side, and vice versa. Instead, you let days go by, call him as an afterthought, spend most of your time together in the company of his friends, and hurry away to meet your curfew. And when you're not in the same country, he lets long periods of time lapse between contacting you. You'd have to admit: this is far from the Greatest Love Story Ever Known.
I think that what's happened here is you've built up a relationship with this man in your head, more from conjecture and speculation than on actual events. A guy who goes five months without contacting you at all is NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. It seems as though the closest you have come to this guy was when he was trying to put some awkward show on for his friends by flirting with you. But that may have been just him being a prick. And having sex with you has progressed so far out of the realm of possibility with him, that he completely misses your hints that he should come over and get some.
If you want to really get together with this guy, and it is still possible, it time to finally put some meat on this relationship's bones. You have never said that you have made a direct appeal to this man's affections. Maybe now is the time for that. Send him an FB message, to reserve a time to SPEAK TO HIM on the phone. Let him know how you've been feeling about the possibilities to enrich your relationship together. See how he feels. If he feels the same, you approaching him directly might shock him out of the complacency that allows him to treat your messages so cavilierly. If he doesn't feel the same, well, what have you lost, anyway? Give it a shot. Good luck.
GARLAND: I'm going to disagree with Chuck on this one. His answer started with what I'm thinking... "Move along. Nothing to see here." but he finished with a splash of optimism. I'm just not in agreement.
I think that after two years and international travels and back and forth and FB messages this and FB messages that, I just don't think hunting this fellow down for swing at a relationship would be in your best interest.
Just to grab a few specific points you made - the pouring of the drink... I am amazed that you could remember such a specific fact. I kinda' have to agree with your friend on this one - the first thing you told Chuck and I was that you were very independant. I'm pretty sure a strong, intelligent and independent woman wouldn't suddenly fall helpless to a few shot glasses of liquid and a shaker of ice. I think he knew the score on that one. And, as far as him telling his friends, "I'm gonna be busy later tonight..." Isn't that what he told you too? Didn't he say he had a project for his job to work on? I think he was talking about working on his project, and you thought he was talking about working on you!
Also, the whole 'inviting him over for sex' on the same night he tells you he has an important project for work... well, that's pretty selfish on your part. You could have invited him over on any night of the week, but you wanted him to choose YOU over his job. You wanted him to go to work the next day shorthanded, so you could show him that you're the boss. I think that it is good that he even spoke to you after that one - if that was me, and you pulled that kind of power-struggle move on me, I would have kicked you to the curb. But that's not answering your question...
I think for your sake you should write this guy off. He probably thinks that you are a nice person and he likes keeping up with you on FB and maybe having a drink or two now and then. But if this guy wanted to date you or be in love with you, I think he would have made it clear by now. I think you are arranging him and your feelings for him in a manner that makes him seem like he could be [or should be] The One. I think that is a title that he probably doesn't want. You and your time are more valuable than that. I think your efforts are better spent on a guy that is there with you, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Thanks for your question, and best of luck to you!
Wednesday
Crossroads of the Heart
(The statue in this photo can be purchased at: http://www.moramahogany.com/wood_statues.htm)
QUESTION: Hi Guys,
I've been dating an interesting and complex man for the past year, and I am at a crossroads at this point.
This relationship began at a time when he was on the rebound from a previous relationship which had left him bitter and sad, and then the passing of his 91 year old father with whom he was very close. Both of these events had left him with a profound sense of loss.
We met in a dance class and he invited me out for dinner. We definitely hit it off- we have much in common in terms of our world view, but distinct differences in our life experiences; he, a travelling musician, I, a working mom, he, age 58 and never married, I, age 52, married 23 years until my divorce 8 years ago.
We began seeing each other almost daily, we were both in that beginning stage of complete infatuation. He would say he loved me, but soon into the relationship he let me know that he really wasn't sure HOW he felt since he'd been through an emotional ringer.
My thoughts at the time were, ok- he is on the rebound from the last relationship and I am the rebound girl, so I should proceed here with caution since this otherwise feels so right and so good after having weathered some relationship disasters. . So I thought, I will give this a year. If I keep getting mixed signals, if I don't feel totally loved and cared for, I'm not sticking around. I let him know that what I really envisioned for myself is a loving, stable, mature relationship. He told me he wanted that also, and wanted to give that a chance with us.
In this past year we have had a great time together despite a rocky start. Movies, travel, we love to share the politics of the day being both news junkies. We like the same food even though he is vegetarian, I am happy to eat veggies with him. Great sex, fabulous for a man of 58, yahoo! I'm happy.
I am a very giving kind of person, and I know I have been a source of support for him during a difficult time in his life. BUT at the same time, I have at times become really angry with him for taking my feelings for granted, or being completly insensitive altogether. He is a fairly self-involved person, but a reasonable and good person in spite of that. However, I just don't know if he's as 'into' me as I am 'into' him. Sometimes he takes my feelings totally for granted. Here's an example;
Last night, we were invited to a party by a girlfriend of mine. I show up at his place wearing a dress that (I thought) looked great on me; pretty jewelry, flower in my hair- I know I looked really pretty! But, he never said a word about how I looked, we just had a bite to eat and off we went. So, ok, whatever. This dress was not skanky by any stretch, but definatley sexy looking in a tasteful way, and I was getting a fair share of attention from other guys....so what? I was there with my man. That's who I was intersted in.
It was a mixed group, with some single women there, one Brazillian hottie in particular named Lola who we met. Just before we left, we were comenting on a very sexy and provacative painting of a pair of women's legs in garters and heels, under which is seated Lola. My date remarks loudly "Is that painting of you, Lola? heh heh"...I guess he was trying to be amusing, but it sort of fell flat as a ridiculous attempt at flirting with the hottie. I mean, if you could have seen the painting, you would have an idea why I did a slow burn on the way home.
Now, just to be clear, I don't have much of an issue with my self image. When I make an effort I clean up pretty good- very nicely actually. (I sometimes think my boyfriend is a bit insecure and tries to undermine my self confidence in some passive-aggressive way like this). More importantly though, I am a good hearted person! Honest, intellegent, not a drama queen. I am fairly easy-going, but I have my limits.
Since I've been wondering about his intentions lately, I figured I would ignore the hottie incident and just focus on the larger issue for me of "where are we going with this?" I need to know. He basically tells me that he loves me but he can't give more than he's got- he's been depressed for some time now.
I can understand this- his life has been something of a rollercoaster- but I'm trying to read between the lines to understand what's really going on. I know he doesn't want this to end, but he's not ready for more, either. He also mentions that he did not like the dress I wore after I mentioned how confused I feel sometimes when he doesn't respond to my efforts to looks nice. What's up with that?? I really pinned him down -'You didn't like the way I looked last night??" I thought- you bonehead.You are really blowing it here.
I would say this relationship has been mostly great, but uncertain to this point. This man doesn't have much of a track record in terms of longevity in previous relationships- is he capable? If I leave now will I have given this a fair chance? He says he loves me but I think he's really just afraid to be alone. Then again I don't want to drag this out if it's not going anywhere. I've been totally honest with him, but I don't think he been totally honest with himself.
Thanks for your guy wisdom!
GARLAND: WOW! Thanks for your question. Even after four years, long questions still unravel me a bit because they usually have so many points that I want to address that I tend to forget half of them before I start typing. Let me see if I can hit what I want.
READING BETWEEN THE LINES:
You said you wanted to read between the lines with his thought process, because you knew that he didn't want things to end between you. This is a fairly dangerous thing to do. Generally, I think most guys play their cards face up with a lot of women. Sadly, many women want to do like you did and read between the [non-existant] lines - you want to understand what he really means. Well, he means just what he's showing you: he likes going out with you sometimes and he probably thinks you're a nice person, but he's not trying to make a major commitment to you. That is probably the long and short of it. If you try to fill in blanks that aren't really there, you may probably end up with a bad result.
GIVING A FAIR CHANCE:
Have you given this relationship a fair chance? You have to answer this one yourself. But I will ask YOU - "FAIR" to whom? Fair to You or fair to Him? For me, personally, I think a year is a very reasonable amount of time to figure out if a person is worth you time, for me I honestly think that a few months or even a few weeks is reasonable, but that is ME.
Are you trying to keep giving of yourself and giving of yourself until he's decided to leave you high and dry and end things or are you waiting for him, another year from now, to force you, yet again, to ask yourself have you given this a "fair chance." One tip I can give you though is this, A man is hard to wait out. A man that just wants to drive 35MPH on the highway, is only going to go 35MPH regardless of how long you honk your horn and how many times you flash your lights. A man that wants to give a moderate amount of dedication in a relationship, is only going to give a moderate amount of dedication, no matter how much you want and plead for more from him.
HIS LONGEVITY:
I'm a big advocate of looking at a persons past-performance. In business, a company's past performance is vital when forming partmerships and awarding contracts. I think it is equally important in relationships. If your man has a poor track record for relationships, you should reasonably expect his pattern to stay the same. You should not expect that he will suddenly see some bright light from the wonderful love that you have to offer and suddenly become this impressive, faithful, and dependable partner that you have waited your whole life for. It just doesn't usually work that way. If his record with women and relationships is pathetic, chances are he'll be pathetic with you too.
I think this guy probably enjoys hanging out with you, he probably thinks that you are a nice and attractive woman, but he is not ready to make a major and life changing commitment to. If you told him that you wanted to start seeing someone else, he would probably wish you well and tell you to take care. He is probably giving you all that he wants to or is able to in the dedication department. But, to be on the safe side, sit him down and ask him about his feelings. Let him talk, don't interrupt, and see what he says. Don't make your talk a big emotional display even if it hurts a bit, we tend to want to clam up when we think heavy emotions are about to come into play. Thanks you for your question and I certainly wish you the very best.
CHUCK: While I sympathize with you completely, I have to say that you have created your own problem here. This man has told you, from the beginning, just what he is looking for in a relationship, and how far he is willing to go. And while Has offered to try to change, I don't think that it has worked. You've stayed with him because you have felt that he could change, or you could wear him down. But it hasn't happened, and you're starting to get frustrated.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that a man absolutely cannot change in his points of view, or what he wants from a woman. But usually, if those changes occur, they are likely to happen when those first urges to settle down hit a man, about in his thirties. Your boyfriend is fifty-eight. He has either spent years ignoring those feelings, or he pushed them down an elevator shaft. At his age, he is too set in his ways for you to have a realistic expectation of changing him.
So he views you in a certain way, and he takes you for granted. Why? Because you have let him do it. There is no way that I could get away with not complimenting my wife, and then drop some mediocre rap on the first Brazilian sexpot that I encountered that evening. That's showing a distinct lack of respect. And I know that I need to respect my wife because, for one thing, our relationship is clearly defined. Yours, sadly, is not.
QUESTION: Hi Guys,
I've been dating an interesting and complex man for the past year, and I am at a crossroads at this point.
This relationship began at a time when he was on the rebound from a previous relationship which had left him bitter and sad, and then the passing of his 91 year old father with whom he was very close. Both of these events had left him with a profound sense of loss.
We met in a dance class and he invited me out for dinner. We definitely hit it off- we have much in common in terms of our world view, but distinct differences in our life experiences; he, a travelling musician, I, a working mom, he, age 58 and never married, I, age 52, married 23 years until my divorce 8 years ago.
We began seeing each other almost daily, we were both in that beginning stage of complete infatuation. He would say he loved me, but soon into the relationship he let me know that he really wasn't sure HOW he felt since he'd been through an emotional ringer.
My thoughts at the time were, ok- he is on the rebound from the last relationship and I am the rebound girl, so I should proceed here with caution since this otherwise feels so right and so good after having weathered some relationship disasters. . So I thought, I will give this a year. If I keep getting mixed signals, if I don't feel totally loved and cared for, I'm not sticking around. I let him know that what I really envisioned for myself is a loving, stable, mature relationship. He told me he wanted that also, and wanted to give that a chance with us.
In this past year we have had a great time together despite a rocky start. Movies, travel, we love to share the politics of the day being both news junkies. We like the same food even though he is vegetarian, I am happy to eat veggies with him. Great sex, fabulous for a man of 58, yahoo! I'm happy.
I am a very giving kind of person, and I know I have been a source of support for him during a difficult time in his life. BUT at the same time, I have at times become really angry with him for taking my feelings for granted, or being completly insensitive altogether. He is a fairly self-involved person, but a reasonable and good person in spite of that. However, I just don't know if he's as 'into' me as I am 'into' him. Sometimes he takes my feelings totally for granted. Here's an example;
Last night, we were invited to a party by a girlfriend of mine. I show up at his place wearing a dress that (I thought) looked great on me; pretty jewelry, flower in my hair- I know I looked really pretty! But, he never said a word about how I looked, we just had a bite to eat and off we went. So, ok, whatever. This dress was not skanky by any stretch, but definatley sexy looking in a tasteful way, and I was getting a fair share of attention from other guys....so what? I was there with my man. That's who I was intersted in.
It was a mixed group, with some single women there, one Brazillian hottie in particular named Lola who we met. Just before we left, we were comenting on a very sexy and provacative painting of a pair of women's legs in garters and heels, under which is seated Lola. My date remarks loudly "Is that painting of you, Lola? heh heh"...I guess he was trying to be amusing, but it sort of fell flat as a ridiculous attempt at flirting with the hottie. I mean, if you could have seen the painting, you would have an idea why I did a slow burn on the way home.
Now, just to be clear, I don't have much of an issue with my self image. When I make an effort I clean up pretty good- very nicely actually. (I sometimes think my boyfriend is a bit insecure and tries to undermine my self confidence in some passive-aggressive way like this). More importantly though, I am a good hearted person! Honest, intellegent, not a drama queen. I am fairly easy-going, but I have my limits.
Since I've been wondering about his intentions lately, I figured I would ignore the hottie incident and just focus on the larger issue for me of "where are we going with this?" I need to know. He basically tells me that he loves me but he can't give more than he's got- he's been depressed for some time now.
I can understand this- his life has been something of a rollercoaster- but I'm trying to read between the lines to understand what's really going on. I know he doesn't want this to end, but he's not ready for more, either. He also mentions that he did not like the dress I wore after I mentioned how confused I feel sometimes when he doesn't respond to my efforts to looks nice. What's up with that?? I really pinned him down -'You didn't like the way I looked last night??" I thought- you bonehead.You are really blowing it here.
I would say this relationship has been mostly great, but uncertain to this point. This man doesn't have much of a track record in terms of longevity in previous relationships- is he capable? If I leave now will I have given this a fair chance? He says he loves me but I think he's really just afraid to be alone. Then again I don't want to drag this out if it's not going anywhere. I've been totally honest with him, but I don't think he been totally honest with himself.
Thanks for your guy wisdom!
GARLAND: WOW! Thanks for your question. Even after four years, long questions still unravel me a bit because they usually have so many points that I want to address that I tend to forget half of them before I start typing. Let me see if I can hit what I want.
READING BETWEEN THE LINES:
You said you wanted to read between the lines with his thought process, because you knew that he didn't want things to end between you. This is a fairly dangerous thing to do. Generally, I think most guys play their cards face up with a lot of women. Sadly, many women want to do like you did and read between the [non-existant] lines - you want to understand what he really means. Well, he means just what he's showing you: he likes going out with you sometimes and he probably thinks you're a nice person, but he's not trying to make a major commitment to you. That is probably the long and short of it. If you try to fill in blanks that aren't really there, you may probably end up with a bad result.
GIVING A FAIR CHANCE:
Have you given this relationship a fair chance? You have to answer this one yourself. But I will ask YOU - "FAIR" to whom? Fair to You or fair to Him? For me, personally, I think a year is a very reasonable amount of time to figure out if a person is worth you time, for me I honestly think that a few months or even a few weeks is reasonable, but that is ME.
Are you trying to keep giving of yourself and giving of yourself until he's decided to leave you high and dry and end things or are you waiting for him, another year from now, to force you, yet again, to ask yourself have you given this a "fair chance." One tip I can give you though is this, A man is hard to wait out. A man that just wants to drive 35MPH on the highway, is only going to go 35MPH regardless of how long you honk your horn and how many times you flash your lights. A man that wants to give a moderate amount of dedication in a relationship, is only going to give a moderate amount of dedication, no matter how much you want and plead for more from him.
HIS LONGEVITY:
I'm a big advocate of looking at a persons past-performance. In business, a company's past performance is vital when forming partmerships and awarding contracts. I think it is equally important in relationships. If your man has a poor track record for relationships, you should reasonably expect his pattern to stay the same. You should not expect that he will suddenly see some bright light from the wonderful love that you have to offer and suddenly become this impressive, faithful, and dependable partner that you have waited your whole life for. It just doesn't usually work that way. If his record with women and relationships is pathetic, chances are he'll be pathetic with you too.
I think this guy probably enjoys hanging out with you, he probably thinks that you are a nice and attractive woman, but he is not ready to make a major and life changing commitment to. If you told him that you wanted to start seeing someone else, he would probably wish you well and tell you to take care. He is probably giving you all that he wants to or is able to in the dedication department. But, to be on the safe side, sit him down and ask him about his feelings. Let him talk, don't interrupt, and see what he says. Don't make your talk a big emotional display even if it hurts a bit, we tend to want to clam up when we think heavy emotions are about to come into play. Thanks you for your question and I certainly wish you the very best.
CHUCK: While I sympathize with you completely, I have to say that you have created your own problem here. This man has told you, from the beginning, just what he is looking for in a relationship, and how far he is willing to go. And while Has offered to try to change, I don't think that it has worked. You've stayed with him because you have felt that he could change, or you could wear him down. But it hasn't happened, and you're starting to get frustrated.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that a man absolutely cannot change in his points of view, or what he wants from a woman. But usually, if those changes occur, they are likely to happen when those first urges to settle down hit a man, about in his thirties. Your boyfriend is fifty-eight. He has either spent years ignoring those feelings, or he pushed them down an elevator shaft. At his age, he is too set in his ways for you to have a realistic expectation of changing him.
So he views you in a certain way, and he takes you for granted. Why? Because you have let him do it. There is no way that I could get away with not complimenting my wife, and then drop some mediocre rap on the first Brazilian sexpot that I encountered that evening. That's showing a distinct lack of respect. And I know that I need to respect my wife because, for one thing, our relationship is clearly defined. Yours, sadly, is not.
I think you have given this relationship more than a fair chance. I don't know that he has put forth the same effort that you have, though. But it's all right. There should be no hard feelings. After a year, "where do we go from here?" is a question that should be asked. He should probably hear from you that you're not willing to go on with him unless your realatioship will change. And if he's not willing to make those changes, he should be prepared to watch you leave him.
Saturday
A Near-Miss
QUESTION: Over the past 2 years, I became very close friends with a male co-worker. We are both married with one child each, and both have serious marital issues but stay with our spouses for the sake of our children. Even still, I never once thought we had any thing more than friendship.
Recently, he got another job. After getting drunk at happy hour, he told me he's wanted to have sex with me for almost a year and could see himself leaving his wife for me. I was shocked but also immediately and completely turned on although didn't tell him or let anything happen that night.
As if on cue, 4 days later I discovered my husband was being unfaithful. Within 2 weeks my friend and I were having hot phone sex over text msgs. He also told me that I was beautiful, intelligent and funny, this is the most fun he's ever had with a woman, he hated how long the weekends seemed without me, wished we met earlier in life, and half-jokingly talked about how long we needed to wait until the kids graduated. Given our long friendship and great cyber sex, it seemed obvious to me that we would be awesome together and I fell for him intensely. Eventually he said he didn't want to just talk about anymore - he wanted to do it but we couldn't, and I agreed but mostly because I didn't want to scare him away.
The day after I cautiously agreed to meet him for drinks, I awoke to a text "I was up half the night thinking about you...can't meet...could easily get complicated...the kids could get hurt." I wasn't mad at all (other than being told over text) and tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I probably wasn't attracted to him, but had just gotten caught up in the idea of meaning something to someone again.
My husband and I are now on the brink of a divorce (he's always refused to see a counselor). My friend continued text me about day-to-day stuff and seemed strangely cold and distant but could 'definitely' meet me for lunch to cheer me up. He started acting like himself again and brought it up every day for a week - you better be there, "have faith" that he wouldn't bail on me again. I told him not to cancel over text again but 30 mins before we were supposed to be at the restaurant, he did it again "I wish I could be mature about this, but...I cannot meet and I cannot be your friend. I'm really sorry." It caught me so off-guard that I didn't reply and deleted all of his info to make sure I couldn't contact him in a weak moment.
Recently, he got another job. After getting drunk at happy hour, he told me he's wanted to have sex with me for almost a year and could see himself leaving his wife for me. I was shocked but also immediately and completely turned on although didn't tell him or let anything happen that night.
As if on cue, 4 days later I discovered my husband was being unfaithful. Within 2 weeks my friend and I were having hot phone sex over text msgs. He also told me that I was beautiful, intelligent and funny, this is the most fun he's ever had with a woman, he hated how long the weekends seemed without me, wished we met earlier in life, and half-jokingly talked about how long we needed to wait until the kids graduated. Given our long friendship and great cyber sex, it seemed obvious to me that we would be awesome together and I fell for him intensely. Eventually he said he didn't want to just talk about anymore - he wanted to do it but we couldn't, and I agreed but mostly because I didn't want to scare him away.
The day after I cautiously agreed to meet him for drinks, I awoke to a text "I was up half the night thinking about you...can't meet...could easily get complicated...the kids could get hurt." I wasn't mad at all (other than being told over text) and tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that I probably wasn't attracted to him, but had just gotten caught up in the idea of meaning something to someone again.
My husband and I are now on the brink of a divorce (he's always refused to see a counselor). My friend continued text me about day-to-day stuff and seemed strangely cold and distant but could 'definitely' meet me for lunch to cheer me up. He started acting like himself again and brought it up every day for a week - you better be there, "have faith" that he wouldn't bail on me again. I told him not to cancel over text again but 30 mins before we were supposed to be at the restaurant, he did it again "I wish I could be mature about this, but...I cannot meet and I cannot be your friend. I'm really sorry." It caught me so off-guard that I didn't reply and deleted all of his info to make sure I couldn't contact him in a weak moment.
We've had no contact since but I have so many unanswered questions that I'm having a hard time moving on. I am also so confused by his mixed messages that I'm doubting everything he's ever said to me, including our entire friendship. Would you please help me make sense of this so hopefully I can put this behind me?
Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.
If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?
Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?
Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?
Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?
Thank you for your time and help!!
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I hope we can shed a little perspective on what's up with you and your buddy-boy.
If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?
Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?
Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?
Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?
Thank you for your time and help!!
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I hope we can shed a little perspective on what's up with you and your buddy-boy.
Do you think he was ever really my friend, and/or meant the sweet things he said to me? I've always considered him honest and sincere, but can't help feeling like I might have been played.
I'm not sure you were 'played' per se, and I also don't think a "friendship" was what you had either. I think you both just needed an outlet, or just someone to pay you some special attention. You needed someone to put you on a pedestal and it sounds like he did too. Men, just like women - still want to feel like they've got some sex appeal, especially if their wives aren't making them feel that way at home. He probably needed you to provide that ego boost to him. The flirting and texting and "I gotta' have you in my arms, baby..." sweet talk going out to you and coming back to him, was probably getting his head back on track. The more he got that satisfaction from you, the more he probably felt that he was in an 80/20 situation. You were giving him the 20% and the wife and baby's Mom was still probably giving him the 80%.
To say you two were friends, well - it's probably a bit overstated. Calling him a "friend" is probably an insult to the folks who are your tried and true friends. Don't make it more than it was, you two were just tryin' to hook up. It's quite okay to call it what it was.
If he was being honest about his feelings, how could he go from wishing he had married me to suddenly cutting me out of his life completely (especially after we agreed we wouldn't let anything happen)?
I don't think he was being honest about his feelings, but I don't think he was trying to be deceptive either. I think he was just caught up in the danger and thrill he saw in possibly sleeping with you. Like I said above, he probably just needed a little something extra in the passion department and you were providing it to him. He probably just got carried away with the sweet talk and got hot and heavy with you and started talking marriage. He liked the feel of holding a loaded gun in his hand, but he was terrified of pulling the trigger. There is no way for ME to be 100% sure, but I have a feeling he was just saying what he thought would turn you on the most.
Why was he so happy and willing to make plans, but then suddenly cancelled at the last minute?
You are asking this from the perspective of someone who truly thought that you were planning a relationship with a new lover. He just wasn't ever this person. Some folks just like the hunt, others like the kill, some like both - but your guy was definitely up for the hunt alone. He was probably never going to sleep with you, leave his wife for you or marry you.
Why would he tell his wife that he wanted to sleep with me?
He told YOU that he told his wife. He didn't. Unless he is a Damn Fool of the Highest Order, he didn't. If he did - you are far better off without him.
Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?
Do you think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the children (as long as you don't fight etc)?
I can't really answer that question. There are far to many variables that have to be factored in and I know next to nothing about the situation.
I can tell you this though, based on the problems you claim to be having in your marriage, you are far better off solving and addressing them without the distractions of a new lover on the side. And, in the future, don't send and receive text messages to and from your loverboy. Even if they are deleted, they can be retrieved by a talented divorce lawyer and his staff - I'm quite sure an angry husband would love to have a transcript of your "sex-me-up" talk, to show to the judge in your custody case for the kids.
CHUCK: Okay, first things first: I was tempted to title this post TEXTING - Refuge of the Coward. Far too often these days, men and women think that they can evade some uncomfortable situation by texting someone some BS kiss-off. "Kant CU NEmor. Itz not U Itz me. Gudbie :+(" WTF? People, stop doing this. If you have the slightest bit of respect for the person you're dissing, at least give them the dignity of being dissed to their face. Come on.
As for your situation, I'm not going to say that you got off light. Because it's obvious that you didn't. While it would have been a bit worse for you had you slept with this man, and he broke it off with you in the same callous manner, it's obvious that you had developed feelings for him, and he took advantage of that. Your feelings got hurt, and that's not getting off light.
Do I think it's wrong to stay in a bad marriage just for the children? I'm conflicted about that. While I think that it is admirable for people to try to tough things out for their kids, I also believe that it can be unfair to the parents and the kids. The parents are probably denying themselves a truly fulfilling relationship with another person while hanging on, looking at the calendar until the youngest child turns 18, or whatever. But they are also possibly denying their children the example of what a truly loving relationship can be, instead offering them some strained substitute. And you might not think a child would pick up on it, but children are often more perceptive than we give them credit for.
I think it's possible that, as Garland says, he was using you for an ego boost, and decided to cut things off before he got in too deep. But the odds are just as great he really wanted to start an affair with you, and just chickened out. He may have reaffirmed his desire to stay in his (unhappy) marriage, or he may just have gotten scared that his wife would catch him, and turn him into ground meat in divorce court. And please don't tell me you really believed that he told his wife he wanted to sleep with you. I don't think he's that stupid, or you're that naive.
I know that this "friend" put a lot of ideas in your head, but even if he was genuine at the time, he's decided to let you get away. If you're leaving your cheating husband behind, I wonder why you'd want to start a new relationship with a man who would cheat, anyway. Focus on your future, and leave the false friend in your past.
Courtship in SLOOOOW Motion
QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland, I am hoping that you can help me. I seem to be a great judge of character and can always tell when a guy is interested in me when I have absolutely NO interest in them. As soon as I become interested in a guy, I can't make heads or tails of him. So, here's my story. I have known this guy (we'll call him John) since high school. He was actually my Grad Night make out guy. We dated for a little while during the summer...and it ended for no reason that I know of. We never had sex. About 17 or 18 years later we met up again. Both of us were only a couple years out of a divorce. He has a daughter and I have 3 kids. We were both cheated on and clearly very jaded at that time. We had a great time, talked all night non-stop and ended at my door with a nice hug and a great kiss. Afterward, I got a couple of emails and then nothing. I understand why he didn't move forward at this time. I know that he just wasn't ready for anything. In retrospect, I wasn't either. About 4 years later, I started dating another guy (We'll call him JA), and shortly after we started dating, I found out that they (John and JA) were friends. I had no idea. During that time, we (me and John) were both very respectful and didn't email or talk during the short lived relationship with JA, we didn't really hug or anything when we saw each other, but we joked around a lot and finally the relationship with JA ended. It has been a couple of years again, and through Facebook, we are in touch again (me and John). We have hung out at group gatherings (one of which I put together). We chat (IM) for long periods of time once or twice a week and occasionally talk on the phone if for a particular reason but, never just to chat. We both love to hike and he asked me to join a volunteer group with him and his friend Jim. Outside of volunteering, we have gotten together a couple of times along with his other guy friends (Jim and Dean) whom John is really close friends with. Everytime he sees me, he gives me a HUGE hug, sometimes two. I don't really hug the other guys. He even met my youngest daughter and I met his when we went on a hike once (they are very close in age). My other two are much older and one of them has already moved out. Anyway, I have also hiked with Jim and Dean without John several times. I can tell that Jim clearly likes me and Dean has pried to find out if I was interested in Jim. Dean later asked me if I was dating anyone. The answer to both was no. We even talked about my failed marriage and being cheated on and I told him that I was tired of wasting my time with guys that I know are not going anywhere, that I prefer to date a guy with kids (as a common interest) and that I don't want to date...just to date. Dean asked a lot of questions, was it just curiosity? Do these guys talk to each other or do they get their info and keep it to themselves? In the meantime, I continue to chat (IM) with John. We jokingly bring up dating and marriage issues that other couples have (i.e. playing games, cheating, having a wall up after being cheated on) and vow that we never want to be involved in anything like that. Keep in mind that we never mention US being together. Then, one time he jokingly asked me what he would do without me and asked if I would marry him. He always calls me sweet names and tells me to have sweet dreams when we finish chatting. Recently, he told me that he "loved chatting with me". I told him that "I loved chatting with him too" and that he cracked me up. What should I make of all of this? Is he interested? Is he just moving SUPER slow and feeling me out first? Is he looking for reassurance that I won't cheat on him? Is he afraid to ruin the friendship? Am I reading way too much into everything? I just don't know. Thanks for your input.
CHUCK: It could be possible that John is just goofing around. But I think the greater possibility is that he is maybe now starting to realize what he's been missing with you. Here he's known you for the better part of 20 years, and your relationship has been largely platonic, but I think he's probably been thinking about how to change that status without making a fool of himself.
What could have changed his feelings? The fact that you've gotten to know his boys could have a lot to do with it. Here, you've spent time with him and them, and you think that you've seen some mild attraction from one, or both of them. I guarantee you that, by now, someone has asked John, "So what's the deal with you and her?" John probably hemmed and hawed for a little, then finally stated that you're just friends. And they probably asked him why. Then they suggested that he at least consider moving your relationship out of the friend zone. And since they are probably good friends and not creeps, they've laid back so John can make his move.
But that move is verrry sloow. So the question becomes, how do you feel about that? How do you feel about John? Can you see yourself with him? Think about that. One of the reasons John is probably going turtle-speed with you is because you already know his history (bad marriage, been cheated on, etc.), and he can't play any of that off. That could make him a little uncomfortable.
You've got a choice here. You could wait another 18 months, while John negotiates his next move. Or you could try to help him along, if you think you might be into him. If you're not the type to take the bull by the horns, and say "What the hell, let's see where this goes, John," then you need to make it easy for him to make that move. Subtly let him know that your feelings for him are no longer just platonic. And who knows? Maybe slow and steady can win the race.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Honestly I really don't know what is up with your guy John. Moving slow is one thing, but after almost 20 years I would halfway expect a guy to be willing to step up pretty quickly, I just can't see a guy meeting back up with you, hugging, watching you date is boy, no more hugging, watching you break up with his boy, restarting of the hugging, wasting another four years, more hugging, and tease from a potential new beau, still more hugging.
I just don't know.
He could be serious and want to start a relationship, but his slow start and timid approach to you makes me a little leery of a man with his 40th birthday in the rearview mirror who may be scared of hitting 50 all alone. I think you have to sit him down and see how he feels about you and see if he's using the years between you to solidify a special friendship or if he has finally accepted that you hovering around the perimeter of his life means that you are the love he may be looking for.
I wish I could give you more, but this guy is THE ONE with the best answer.
CHUCK: It could be possible that John is just goofing around. But I think the greater possibility is that he is maybe now starting to realize what he's been missing with you. Here he's known you for the better part of 20 years, and your relationship has been largely platonic, but I think he's probably been thinking about how to change that status without making a fool of himself.
What could have changed his feelings? The fact that you've gotten to know his boys could have a lot to do with it. Here, you've spent time with him and them, and you think that you've seen some mild attraction from one, or both of them. I guarantee you that, by now, someone has asked John, "So what's the deal with you and her?" John probably hemmed and hawed for a little, then finally stated that you're just friends. And they probably asked him why. Then they suggested that he at least consider moving your relationship out of the friend zone. And since they are probably good friends and not creeps, they've laid back so John can make his move.
But that move is verrry sloow. So the question becomes, how do you feel about that? How do you feel about John? Can you see yourself with him? Think about that. One of the reasons John is probably going turtle-speed with you is because you already know his history (bad marriage, been cheated on, etc.), and he can't play any of that off. That could make him a little uncomfortable.
You've got a choice here. You could wait another 18 months, while John negotiates his next move. Or you could try to help him along, if you think you might be into him. If you're not the type to take the bull by the horns, and say "What the hell, let's see where this goes, John," then you need to make it easy for him to make that move. Subtly let him know that your feelings for him are no longer just platonic. And who knows? Maybe slow and steady can win the race.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Honestly I really don't know what is up with your guy John. Moving slow is one thing, but after almost 20 years I would halfway expect a guy to be willing to step up pretty quickly, I just can't see a guy meeting back up with you, hugging, watching you date is boy, no more hugging, watching you break up with his boy, restarting of the hugging, wasting another four years, more hugging, and tease from a potential new beau, still more hugging.
I just don't know.
He could be serious and want to start a relationship, but his slow start and timid approach to you makes me a little leery of a man with his 40th birthday in the rearview mirror who may be scared of hitting 50 all alone. I think you have to sit him down and see how he feels about you and see if he's using the years between you to solidify a special friendship or if he has finally accepted that you hovering around the perimeter of his life means that you are the love he may be looking for.
I wish I could give you more, but this guy is THE ONE with the best answer.
Monday
The Disappearing Window
QUESTION: This guy and I met through a mutual friend we both had. After several months we started talking every day whether it was via text or calling. He called me sometimes I called him. We became very close friends, and he started dating this girl and I started dating this guy around the same time, but me and him continued to talk regularly.
Eventually one day when we were talking he admitted to having more than friendly feelings for me, and I told him the same. However we decided it was best to just be friends, because we were both still in realtionships. A year passed both of us still seeing the other people and one night at a party we kissed, but it didn't go any further.
Anyways he and his girlfriend broke up and me and my boyfriend broke up just before them, and we have started to talk more about an "us", but it doesn't ever seem to go past that, and now our friendship is becoming more straining. We argue a lot more now, and don't talk as often anymore. So I was just wondering like what is going on?
CHUCK: Gee, I don't know. You tell me. If I were to speculate, I would say that the window of opportunity for the two of you to move from friends to lovers has passed. You both have come to some unspoken realization that the Next Step is not going to happen for you, and in the absence of sexual tension, all you have left is just tension.
How did this happen? In movies like When Harry Met Sally..., couples flit around each other for years, flirting and pining, until that romantic moment on New Year's Eve, when they profess their undying love for... Oh, forget it. When has life ever worked like that? Maybe, after months of experiencing obstacles to your getting together, you both are afraid to pull the trigger on dating each other. Maybe you think you know each other too well now.
My wife and I were in a similar situation as you. We were friends for a couple of years before we started dating. And actually, when we did start seeing each other, it was kind of a relief. We had had numerous conversations about numerous different topics at that point, and there was no period of being on "your best behavior" (i.e., fake) in the early days of our relationship. I think it was actually good, as there was no stress about when either of us would let the mask drop.
I'm not going to try to tell you that things could work out between the two of you, but you should probably try to find out for sure. It may be something that you look back on years from now, and wonder if it could have worked. So I'll ask you to talk to him seriously, try to put your recent disagreements behind you, and maybe clear the slate enough for the two of you to see if the chemistry is still there. It might not be. But one way or another, you should find out.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. The window of opportunity may have passed for you all like Chuck said. However, your situation could be caused by one of several other things as well.
#1. Sometimes things look prettier in the store window than they do on your wrist. The two of you may have seen something desirable and highly attractive in each other when it was safe to do so. You were tied up with someone and he was tied up with someone so as long as you didn't act on these feelings it was safe, dare I say fun, to tease each other and speculate about a hot romance together. Now, the barriers are gone and you are both faced with the reality of having to go into the store and buy that watch you've been looking at for the last 12 months. You may be worried about buyer's remorse.
#2. You both may be a little leery about jumping into a serious relationship with someone who has basically been in a less than sincere relationship for the last year. Let's be real here, he's had feelings for you and you've had feelings for him and yet you've both stayed in your other 'relationships' for over a year. Maybe one or both of you are a little mistrustful of the others true emotional capabilities. Maybe you are worried that you may fall into a sham relationship with one another.
#3 [and last] You both may be Spotters and neither of you are the actual Shooter. What I mean is this - a successful sniper team has a shooter and a spotter, the spotter finds the target and makes certain assessments and the shooter actually uses that information to pull the trigger and take the target out. You both sound like Spotters - talking and making decisions and looking and thinking and yet neither of you is willing to take the shot and start a realtionship.
I think the time has come to either take the shot or walk away. If the target doesn't feel right, move on. If it does - TAKE THE SHOT.
The question now is, are you a spotter or a shooter?
Good luck-
CHUCK: Gee, I don't know. You tell me. If I were to speculate, I would say that the window of opportunity for the two of you to move from friends to lovers has passed. You both have come to some unspoken realization that the Next Step is not going to happen for you, and in the absence of sexual tension, all you have left is just tension.
How did this happen? In movies like When Harry Met Sally..., couples flit around each other for years, flirting and pining, until that romantic moment on New Year's Eve, when they profess their undying love for... Oh, forget it. When has life ever worked like that? Maybe, after months of experiencing obstacles to your getting together, you both are afraid to pull the trigger on dating each other. Maybe you think you know each other too well now.
My wife and I were in a similar situation as you. We were friends for a couple of years before we started dating. And actually, when we did start seeing each other, it was kind of a relief. We had had numerous conversations about numerous different topics at that point, and there was no period of being on "your best behavior" (i.e., fake) in the early days of our relationship. I think it was actually good, as there was no stress about when either of us would let the mask drop.
I'm not going to try to tell you that things could work out between the two of you, but you should probably try to find out for sure. It may be something that you look back on years from now, and wonder if it could have worked. So I'll ask you to talk to him seriously, try to put your recent disagreements behind you, and maybe clear the slate enough for the two of you to see if the chemistry is still there. It might not be. But one way or another, you should find out.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. The window of opportunity may have passed for you all like Chuck said. However, your situation could be caused by one of several other things as well.
#1. Sometimes things look prettier in the store window than they do on your wrist. The two of you may have seen something desirable and highly attractive in each other when it was safe to do so. You were tied up with someone and he was tied up with someone so as long as you didn't act on these feelings it was safe, dare I say fun, to tease each other and speculate about a hot romance together. Now, the barriers are gone and you are both faced with the reality of having to go into the store and buy that watch you've been looking at for the last 12 months. You may be worried about buyer's remorse.
#2. You both may be a little leery about jumping into a serious relationship with someone who has basically been in a less than sincere relationship for the last year. Let's be real here, he's had feelings for you and you've had feelings for him and yet you've both stayed in your other 'relationships' for over a year. Maybe one or both of you are a little mistrustful of the others true emotional capabilities. Maybe you are worried that you may fall into a sham relationship with one another.
#3 [and last] You both may be Spotters and neither of you are the actual Shooter. What I mean is this - a successful sniper team has a shooter and a spotter, the spotter finds the target and makes certain assessments and the shooter actually uses that information to pull the trigger and take the target out. You both sound like Spotters - talking and making decisions and looking and thinking and yet neither of you is willing to take the shot and start a realtionship.
I think the time has come to either take the shot or walk away. If the target doesn't feel right, move on. If it does - TAKE THE SHOT.
The question now is, are you a spotter or a shooter?
Good luck-
Playing Yourself
QUESTION: I am recently single, 37 years old, attractive and young at heart. I would say a true Gemini and I am confident and happy for the most part. I do wish to have a relationship someday but I am tired of trying to find it.
So now I am just living each day with the hopes someday “he” will find me, lol.
I met a man about 8 months ago. He is an ex football player, very, very attractive and somewhat confusing. He is a Virgo and seems to be following most of the Virgo traits. I went out with him and actually slept with him that night with the intention I was not going to see him again. I am not looking for a relationship right now and told him that. I just wanted to see what it was like to have a one night stand as it was something I had never done and my girlfriends all convinced me the previous year without sex was too long. To just go have fun so I did I was very nervous and drank a lot to be able to do it. He kept saying you are so beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re going to fall-in-love with me, we need to get our kids together and hang out, ect. It actually freaked me out, BUT the sex was amazing, like nothing I have ever experienced and the way he looked at me just melted me.
So long story short, we went out a second time and then I blew it or at least I think I did. I try to contact a friend of his (female) on MySpace to see what kind of person he was, but she told him and he said not to contact his friends if I don’t trust him, that it was silly. I told him the truth (big mistake) that I really was feeling something for him and it was scaring me, etc.
Well then he ignored me for a while and I let it go. He contacted me again a few weeks later, we went out, he was a total jerk, and I left w/o sleeping with him. Then he contacted me again, I played hard to get and a week later contacted him, we went out, he was a total jerk, I told him off and then left again. It has been 4 months w/o seeing him, a couple text messages sent back (friendly how are you) then he asks me for a reunion last week, I say I'm busy, so he asks the next night, I say I am busy again.
Does he like me or what? Did I scare him away? Does he just want me to be a booty call? I am so damn confused but I still think of him and I keep hoping he will be the nice guy I first met but I am very hesitant to see him again. I guess I just am trying to figure out if he is playing me or not. Is there a way to tell?
GARLAND: Thank you for your question.
Honestly, I'd have to say that he's not playing you - YOU are playing yourself.
Let's just look at this for a second.
You want a relationship and a seemingly decent guy falls into your lap, but for some reason you claim that you just want a one-night booty call with him... I guess maybe YOU were the Baller that night.
Then you stalk him out... yes, yes - you can word it as lovely as you want, but you were stalking him on his MySpace account and you contacted one of his female 'friends' just to innocently see what kind of guy he wants. Now say that to yourself 10 times and see if even YOU don't believe it. You wanted to know if he was screwing HER too and if he was [or wasn't] you wanted her to know that there was a NEW Aplha-Woman on the scene.
Then you go out, he straight disses you, BUT you go right back out again and he disses you AGAIN and then he kicks you to the curb, but the minute he contacts you again you WANT to go out, but you choose to play games.
Will he ever be 'the nice guy' you met that first night, maybe / maybe not - that first night, he was probably just trying to get what you claimed you wanted to give him - BOOTY. Honestly, we can all be pretty charming when we are on the hunt. I'm doubtful that any meaningful relationship is going to spring from what you just told us, but I could be wrong. Is he 'playing you?' Maybe a little, but I'm really sorry to say this, YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF THE MOST.
CHUCK: Garland's all over this one. If there's a bad move to make in a budding relationship, you have made it. I think you want to turn back the clock, but it can't be done. I can't even really pin down exactly which action of yours may have turned him off towards you the most. And I'm not even saying that it's right. But it is what it is.
I'm not going to take you to task so much for the first night sex, although I think your rationale and your way of getting to that point (by getting drunk off your behind) are faulty. I will tell you this, though: It may be a double standard, it may be unfair, but when a woman decides to act "like a man," she should expect someone to think less of them because of it. And it was apparent the this man was using the fact that you slept with him on the first night as an excuse to disrespect you.
Now, frankly, this guy sounds like a real ass for this "you're gonna fall in love with me" crap, but apparently he had your number. The whole MySpace escapade smacks of stalking, and was a major mistake on your part. His female friend owed you nothing, and was justified in blowing the whistle on you. And to compound your mistake, you confess your feelings to him at possibly the worst time. I'm surprised that he wasn't shopping for temporary restraining orders.
So, to address your questions: Yes, you scared him away. Any chance of you achieving what you are apparently looking for (now), a loving mutually respectful relationship is pretty much shot. Yes, in spite of the fact that he doesn't really think much of you, he is still willing to keep you around as a booty call. If that bothers you, don't bother with him anymore. If it's any consolation to you, this guy seems like a boorish, stuck-on-himself prick. No big loss. However, on the off chance that the next man you meet is not a loser, you should try to learn from your mistakes.
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