Run, Don't Walk!

QUESTON: Hey guys...

I haven't had sex with my husband in ten years! I met a guy and we became "friends with benefits". Then he suddenly says he's falling in love with me. Tells me not to fall for him he's a mess. The deal was since I'm married do what you want I just don't want to know about it. Since he started seeing me he hasn't slept with anyone else. (Or so he and his buddies swear to). One minute he wants to see me, gives me the "look". His friends tell me he's in love with me. He's never said it to me. We have the best time, great sex and I love his kids and they love me. We were friends for nine months before we did anything. He pulls me in and pushes me away. Tells me not to love him. He hates women we are users and take everything. Then he says except me. WTF???? What is going on? What do I do. Yes I am in the process of getting a divorce. He says he doesn't get jealous but if I mention a guy he starts talking about past conquests or says he's having some chick over later. I'm the only woman he lets stay the night even when he has his kids there. This I have scene since we were friends first. I'm 10 years older than he is but he's lived as hard and fast as I have. He got married at 19 and is 34. I say he needs to run and just let us "happen". Stop over thinking it and lets have fun am I wrong? Is he just not into me? Not ready for anything, lying to me to himself? WHAT DO I DO! Keep contact or hit the ground running?

Give it to me straight like I know you will!


GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

You want it straight, huh? Okay, that's how we'll do it.

You have some top shelf foolishness going on here. You are married and in a 10 year sex-less loop, but you can cheat as long as you don't do it under his nose. Fortunately you say that you're getting a divorce, so you've saved me about two minutes of typing - thanks!

This foolish BS he's selling you about all women being hated, theiving, creatures... except for you is some childish nonsense. When he first came out of his mouth with that crap, you should have realized that you were selling yourself waaaaay short. You really should have rolled out and left his juvenile butt standing in your dust, but since you've sent us this question, I assume you don't see the error in your judgement.

Then there is the whole - "I'm lovin' you, Boo - But, don't catch feelings for me, I'm not good enough for that, I'm not ready for that..." Again, you are lowering your value by continuing to think of this guy as anything more than a sexual outlet.

I'm certainly not one to endorse cheating on your spouse, but if you all haven't slept together in 10 years and you two haven't taken the steps to fix that problem, then I have to say that you are only human. At some point you have to do what you have to do, as long as you don't get it twisted. Sadly, you HAVE gotten it twisted. You've gotten good sex confused with loving emotion. What should have been one thing has flipped into another, at least in your mind. I just don't think the reality is anything close to what you are hoping it is. Sorry, I think you're investing in a worthless stock with this guy.

And one last thing - the whole, "his buddies swear he's in love with me..." For him to be a man over 34 years old, and bringing his lover around his kids, and giggling about you to his boys - it just sounds weird. It just doesn't sound sincere. It sounds childish, like he's a teenager in a man's body. I say this because GROWN MEN don't talk to their buddies about the sex they are having with THE WOMEN THEY CARE ABOUT. They respect them too much. Men will, however, talk about the sex they have with women they don't think too much of. If he is letting his Boyz in on the nookie-nook that's going down between the two of you, he doesn't really care about you. Don't let all the gushing they are doing fool you, chances are, sadly, you are a Booty Call to your Lover Boy. That's what men are thinking.

CHUCK: If I was a less than tactful person, I might suggest that the ten-year sexual dry spell has addled your brain and effected your judgment. But I'm not tactless, so I won't suggest that. There.

This man, as Garland has stated, is, despite his age and circumstances, childish, and not someone to even consider a relationship with until he does some growing up. I don't think that you displayed the best judgment hooking up with this guy while you were still married, even given the state of your marriage. And when I read your account of this jackass' behavior, that just confirms my reservations.

There was a song in the 70's called, "Baby, Don't Get Hooked On Me." This singer (a man) was warning a woman off of him because "I'll just use you, then I'll set you free." That's the same kind of insincere narcissism you're dealing with here. And it's not even the 70's anymore. And he hates women, but he's okay with you.That's really some backward idea of flattery, if you ask me. How's if feel to be "one of the good ones?"

You're supposed to relax and just let your relationship "happen." Well, I think you know deep down what's going to happen. What's fun for him now will eventually get old, and he'll break up with you. So my advice is, take his advice. As you start your new life keep it moving and leave him behind.

Let's Be Fake Friends

QUESTION: Hi guys!

What does "we should still be friends" mean, anyway?

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me almost a month ago. He said some pretty mean things and I decided that if he (a generally great guy) could be so upset with me as to say them, he must be being honest and so I didn't call him back or talk to him again (except to give him his things when he came by to pick them up).

Then about 3 days ago, he called me but I missed his call and so he immediately texted me with basically, "I hope you've been well and I want you to know that you'll always have my friendship. Please take care." Then, he called my twice the next day but I was unable to answer . I called him back but no answer from him. Then he calls this morning and I answered and he wanted to make sure I got his text and that I knew that "even tho we're no longer a couple, I don't see why we can't still be friends?" He then proceeded to ask me about what I've been up to for the last 3 weeks and fill me in on what he's been doing. I was torn between chewing him out and actually trying to act like a friend. I took the high road. But all day, I've been trying to figure out what this means? Is he serious or is he trying to ease back into things?

Any input? If you need more history, I'll be more than happy to divulge. I'm just trying to keep it short and sweet.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. And thanks for keeping it short and sweet!

This is an odd question for me, because I usually see things in black and white - if he turned from a "great guy" into a rude and thoughtless jackass - then let him take his "fake friendship" and choke on it. Twice.

I'm afraid that I might end up there, though.

The whole "let's be friends concept" after a nasty argument or a nasty cussin' out is usually a self serving move to ease the mind of the offending party. I have no idea why your once Great boyfriend flipped the script and verbally laid waste to you - I'm sorry you had to go through that... a Better Man would have just broken off your relationship without making you out to be a bad person or without angry and insults.

"Let's be friends" means, I assume, one of two things -

1) "I need you to still be a phone call away in case I need a booty-call when my new lady is treating me bad."

2) "I need to try and look like a bigger man for being magnanimous enough to offer my friendship to you, even though I verbally trashed you and our relationship a few weeks ago. You should consider yourself lucky that I still want to keep in touch with you."

I started to say "lets be friends" could mean one of three things - but I don't think that is true. That Third thing would have been "I'm sorry." But I'm not going to sell that nonsense to you! If he was sorry, and a decent man, he would come to you and sit down and apologize - he would say the words, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." He wouldn't slurk back into the picture with a few text messages acting like all is well and playing 'catch up' from the last three weeks. He sounds like a very immature person - you are probably in for a lot more emotional drama from this kid.

By the way... if he turned from a "great guy" into a rude and thoughtless jackass - then let him take his "fake friendship" and choke on it. Twice.

CHUCK: Rule #1 in a Break-up: Never say anything you can't take back.

Apparently, this man did. He broke up, and decided to unload on you. Realizing (belatedly) that he may have hurt your feelings, I think that he decided that he would try to extend some half-assed olive branch to you. So he tells you that he would like to be friends, and maybe he counts on you being forgiving enough to still talk to him. So he comes back at you, but doesn't even care to broach an apology. That takes some nerve, I'll give it to him.

There's a good chance that he's trying to mend fences, on the off chancehe can talk you into some casual sex sometime in the future. Then you can be "friends with benefits." How lucky for you. I'm being sarcastic.

You never said how you feel about this offer, going forward. Do you think he's sincere? Do you still want to be his friend? If you do, hell, even if you don't, I think that he deserves to hear a few things from you. First of all, you should probably let him know that you expect better of your friends for them to say the kinds of hurtful things that he said to you. And to think that he could just call you up a few weeks later, and act like everything's copacetic was a miscalculation on his part. Basically, voice your ambivalance with this whole let's-be-buddies thing.

But you know what? Do you have a lot of friends? Are they good friends? Do you feel the need to maintain some half-assed, ex-boyfriend friends? If not, please feel free to ignore the next text you get from that one.

Pilot Error

QUESTION: Hi,

I was dating a 26 year old guy. We were friends before we started dating and he is really a genuinely good guy, one of those dime a dozen tyoe, but he had not been in a relationship for six years because he was focused on geting his pilot licence and didn't want to take on a relationship because his flying would interfere with it and he didn't want to neglect anyone. Well, when I met him he was almost finished with his flying.

We became friends through a mutual friend of ours. He was single, never been married, has no children and he nor his brother believes in cheating, sounds perfect right? I have 3 children from a previous relationship and I'm 3 years older than he is. Well maybe I should have left it as just friends.

We started dating about 6 months into the friendship. He called everyday about 20 times a day, when I didn't answer my cell, he called my work phone and inbetween that he was emailing me at my work email address. Everything seem to be going well. It did become a little annoying after a while, the sex wasn't that good at first either, because I was his second and he wasn't very confident and I patiently worked on it with him to a point that was workable for us both. He was really sweet the entire relationship and I became really attached to him. We were together for about 4 months. We spent as much time together as we could. The children were with their grandmother all week, and when he couldn't make it over to me, I would go up to his school so we could hang out on his breaks and after school, he really looked foward to me doing that every week, but it was kinda boring for me, especially the waiting while he was in class and I would aslo meet him at the airport so we could hang out while he was going to flight school. My daughter didn't like the fact that there was a man in my life, but later became attached as well and periodically called him daddy. My older son always wanted to be a pilot, so he loves him and the youngest always had a liking for him from the time we were just friends.

Everything was fine up until he went to visit his older brother in another country for 9 days about three weeks ago. He called as often as he could and emailed almost everyday, I thought everything was fine. I drove 3 hours to Miami, as a surprise to him, but also because the mutual friend we have, who he thought was picking him was not, she had other engagements for the evening had was not going to leave to pick him up, so I volunteered. He kissed and hugged me when he saw me, but he wasn't as excited as I expected him to be. He came back with a stomach virus, which started about 2 days before he came back. We went out with my family, went back to their place and spent the night there and he drove up the next day. I wasn't able to go I had something to take care of before I left.

We didn't see each other all week, but we still spoke on the phone and emailed as usual. I was a little busy at work, so I couldn't respond or talk as ofter as usual, but nothing seem out of the norm. He thought I would have came up to his school to visit him one day in the week, but I was too tired. School had started back and I now had the children during the week again. He came over friday, we were all hanging out. We put the kids to bed, watched some TV then went to lye down. After our rondevue, he got dressed and sat at the top fo the bed (unusual) I kept asking what was wrong and finally he said he couldn't do this anymore. I asked if he met someone else and he said no, he's not like that, but it's moving too fast and getting too serious and he's not ready for that right now. I didn't know what to say. It was out of the blue, he wanted me to say something, but I was too shocked. After he left, he called and left a message apologising and said he felt like shit and wanted me to talk to him. I was too angry and shocked, I shut him out. He called our mutual friend and told her he didn't mean to break up, but it came out that way and he wants to talk to me, but I deleted him off my facebook and won't take his calls. Was a I wrong? I called 2 days later.

His reasoning were, he didn't feel comfortable with my daughter calling him daddy and I thought it was harmless. I was telling him everyday that I loved him and he didn't feel the same way and even though I told him he didn't have to say it back, it overwhelmed him and he's still young and it was just moving too fast and he wanted to get out now because of that reason. He wasn't ready to settle down yet. I became angry at that point, because he never expressed any of the things that were bothering him or sit me down and tell me that we needed to slow it down and change certain things that were happening, but deep down, as angry as I am, I really miss his company, but I can no longer be his friend because we already took it past that point. I explained that I wasn't looking for marriage, at least not now and there may have been a few jokes, but that was all they were, just innocent jokes. He agreed that maybe he took things too seriously... I expressed that I didn't even know my relationship had a problem because he never expressed his concerns so I was never given the option to fix it.

I emailed him to come and pick his stuff up Saturday between a specific timeframe and return my key. I want to talk to him as well to see if we can give it another try and take it down a notch and see where it goes and let him know that if something is bothering him he needs to talk to me about it before it gets to the point of being overwhelming and if we need to slow it down, he has to let me know. There's no way for me to know what he's thinking. What do you think or suggest?

CHUCK: This kind of thing drives me crazy. This guy flies planes. I'm afraid of heights. He can probably do more before breakfast than I can do all day. But he is still unable to address his relationship concerns with you without, yes, crashing and burning.

What is it about "the relationship discussion" that makes some men and women quake with fear? I know that there can be complex emotions involved, and there can be a lot at stake, but we should not let that paralyze us, or make us say things we may not mean. Because that's what I think that your boyfriend did with you.

He may have said too much, and realized he wanted to take it back. But I think what really happened is he just wanted to voice his insecurities about being in a relationship with an older woman, seeing your kids start to get attached to him, and not having a lot of relationship experience himself. He may have wanted to slow things down, but I don't believe that it was his original intention to break up with you.

You, I think, had a different issue. I think that, in your urge not to get hurt, you may be pushing him by being too reactionary. True, he completely fumbled talking to you. But you immediately set about eradicating him from your life. You even wiped him off your Facebook page! Perhaps anticipating that reaction is what got him so nerved up last time.

You two should have a conversation before you make any other moves. He needs to articulate what he wants out of this relationship, and you should, too. He is not looking to get married yet. You say you don't think you are, either. There's a chance you might be closer in what you're looking for than you think. But hear him out. And don't let the fact that he's a little clueless throw you. This is someone who's being trusted with millions of dollars in aircraft.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

I think your 'un-friended' flyboy is not quite ready for the level of relationship that you are presenting to him. Sure, his sheepish declaration at the top of the bed was a bit awkward, but he did tell you what was on his mind - "this is moving fast and I'm not ready for this."

For a 26 year-old guy, this is pretty good. He is NOT going to break things down like a woman would or like an older guy would. They might give more detail and dig deeper into the emotions that are in play - but a 26 year old man... yeah, he's gonna give it to you brief.

You mention that marriage isn't necessarily a goal here, but I'm gonna keep it real with you - IF YOU ARE NOT PLANNING A MARRIAGE, then you shouldn't have your kids making such a significant emotional attachment to him after four months and you should NOT have them calling him DADDY. That is going to screw them up AND it is going to screw HIM up. Many many many 26 year old men are not ready to be DAD. Sure, when he first started going out with you he was blowing up the phone and the E-Mail, but that was because he was dating a hot older chick! He was probably full of himself and paranoid all at the same time - but now things are slowing down and drifting into the realm of The Calm. Sadly, he is now seeing the forest and not just the trees.

I see where Chuck is going with his answer, but I'm going to go into a different direction, I think being a pilot requires a calm and level headed person, I think your 26 year old has calmed down and realizes that maybe the pre-made family is not the thing he wants right now. That is not a slight on you or your kids, not at all, but he has a right to look at his relationship with you, his future relationship and professional options and goals and he has a right to say - "I think I want to go in another direction." I think in the long run his choice will be better for all of you - you and your kids would be miserable if he ignored his true feelings and stayed in a relationship with you, and/or married you and allowed a loveless home to fester and surround you all.

When it's all said and done here, he is 26 and probably a very nice person. He is not ready for the intensity that a relationship with the four of you will bring. Yes, I said 'the four of you' because no matter how you slice it - the four of you are a package - there is no dating you without being a part of your three kids lives. Trying to reduce the scope of your relationship or by making things light hearted and cutesy, is just not going to work.

Best of luck -

Friends: How Many of Us Have Them?

QUESTION: So I've had intense feelings for this guy since we first met two summers ago. At the time, he had a girlfriend, so we hung out a lot and he acknowledged his feelings for me but nothing ever "happened." We continued to text back and forth, call, and e-mail periodicially (after that summer we were several thousand miles apart).

Well, a year and a half passes, and I visit him after he breaks up with his girlfriend of several years. During the days, we hang out; at night, we hook up... never sex, but everything but. I go back home, and tell him how I feel (why I didn't do this while I was down there I have no idea). He tells me that he's sorry I misinterpreted his signals and that it was really good to see me but he absolutely is not ready for a serious relationship after breaking it off with his longtime girlfriend, but that I'm really great and we just need to let things cool off for a while. He still has feelings for her, blah blah.

In my heartbroken state, I declare that we should still be friends. Well, I don't hear from him, or contact him, for two months. After the two months, though, we've been speaking on a relatively frequent basis. I saw him for one day, and he was obviously into me, but I was not going to let anything happen.

My ultimate question is -- what in the world? Does he just not know what he wants? Or am I being stupid to try this friend thing... always subliminally letting him know that I'm still around if he ever wants me? I have something that I really want to tell him, but I don't want to regret making the call. I can't decide if he's an asshole, stupid, or just conflicted -- or if I am stupid or conflicted. Your thoughts?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

One thing that I have noticed in the four years that Chuck and I have been doing this blog - is the fact that a surprising number of people, ladies, tend to ignore the fact that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. With this guy you saw something you liked, a year and a half goes by, you hang out for a minute, then two more months goes by and still nothing and yet you still have a candle of hope burning for this guy.

I'm not really knocking you for this, I am just stunned at how you've dedicated so much of your life to hoping this guy gives you the time of day. One thing that I want you to know about men is this: We know when we've found a woman that we want. It typically doesn't take us years to acknowledge it to her or to ourselves. We know, and if we are mature men - WE ACT ON IT.

Since you asked, I don't think you are stupid. In the same vein, I don't think that he's an asshole, stupid or conflicted either. I just don't think that he's interested in you. If he was, it would NOT take him so long to reach out to you. He probably thinks you're nice or cool to chat with once in a while, but I don't think he wants you like you want him - that doesn't make him an asshole or stupid. He's just not that into you.

I suggest you really make strides to move on beyond this guy. Don't make any last ditch / big play moves on his emotions. Don't bother trying to get him on the phone or into a bunch of text messages so you can proclaim your greatness and love to him. Don't put yourself out there and risk him playing you for the fool. A lot of times people will proclaim their love [and inadvertently, their desperation] for someone and that someone decides to use their vulnerability against them.

If you've read our blog before, you may have found that I really hate the "just be friends" thing. I think FRIENDS are great people that are truly loyal and loving to each other - "friends" as many of our questioners present them, are just guys that they don't want to completely let go of. Treat this guy like an acquaintance, if he calls, be polite, if he texts, be cordial, but don't take them or treat them like and invitation to start pining away for this guy again.

Be careful out there - your heart is valuable and should be treated like gold, Don't be so willing to give it away to a guy that clearly doesn't hunger for it.

CHUCK: Garland, I don't know if I can forgive you for using that sentence (you know, the "just not that etc." one). We might have to pay someone now. Isn't that copyrighted or something?

As much as I hate that phrase, though, he's probably right. That time you spent with this man after he broke up with his girlfriend, I think you were so hung up on him you might have "everything but" AND sex, if he'd said the right thing. But you both held your peace then, and I think that was a good thing.

Your "just friends" relationship is a sort of fallacy, because what you have is another romantic relationship that never got off of the ground. He likes you, and respects you well enough. But he is unwilling to go that next step with you. Meanwhile, you continue to subsist on the emotional scraps he sends you, hoping that you've sent him sufficient hints to know that, when he's ready...

It really disappoints me to see women putting so much control in a man's hands. If you had told him how you felt, face to face, back when you spent those days with him, things may have worked out differently. I doubt it. And I think the ship has sailed now. He may be stupid, an asshole, and conflicted. But I think that he has made up his mind about you, and his possibilities with you. Move on.

The Disappearing Window

QUESTION: This guy and I met through a mutual friend we both had. After several months we started talking every day whether it was via text or calling. He called me sometimes I called him. We became very close friends, and he started dating this girl and I started dating this guy around the same time, but me and him continued to talk regularly.

Eventually one day when we were talking he admitted to having more than friendly feelings for me, and I told him the same. However we decided it was best to just be friends, because we were both still in realtionships. A year passed both of us still seeing the other people and one night at a party we kissed, but it didn't go any further.

Anyways he and his girlfriend broke up and me and my boyfriend broke up just before them, and we have started to talk more about an "us", but it doesn't ever seem to go past that, and now our friendship is becoming more straining. We argue a lot more now, and don't talk as often anymore. So I was just wondering like what is going on?

CHUCK: Gee, I don't know. You tell me. If I were to speculate, I would say that the window of opportunity for the two of you to move from friends to lovers has passed. You both have come to some unspoken realization that the Next Step is not going to happen for you, and in the absence of sexual tension, all you have left is just tension.

How did this happen? In movies like When Harry Met Sally..., couples flit around each other for years, flirting and pining, until that romantic moment on New Year's Eve, when they profess their undying love for... Oh, forget it. When has life ever worked like that? Maybe, after months of experiencing obstacles to your getting together, you both are afraid to pull the trigger on dating each other. Maybe you think you know each other too well now.

My wife and I were in a similar situation as you. We were friends for a couple of years before we started dating. And actually, when we did start seeing each other, it was kind of a relief. We had had numerous conversations about numerous different topics at that point, and there was no period of being on "your best behavior" (i.e., fake) in the early days of our relationship. I think it was actually good, as there was no stress about when either of us would let the mask drop.

I'm not going to try to tell you that things could work out between the two of you, but you should probably try to find out for sure. It may be something that you look back on years from now, and wonder if it could have worked. So I'll ask you to talk to him seriously, try to put your recent disagreements behind you, and maybe clear the slate enough for the two of you to see if the chemistry is still there. It might not be. But one way or another, you should find out.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. The window of opportunity may have passed for you all like Chuck said. However, your situation could be caused by one of several other things as well.

#1. Sometimes things look prettier in the store window than they do on your wrist. The two of you may have seen something desirable and highly attractive in each other when it was safe to do so. You were tied up with someone and he was tied up with someone so as long as you didn't act on these feelings it was safe, dare I say fun, to tease each other and speculate about a hot romance together. Now, the barriers are gone and you are both faced with the reality of having to go into the store and buy that watch you've been looking at for the last 12 months. You may be worried about buyer's remorse.

#2. You both may be a little leery about jumping into a serious relationship with someone who has basically been in a less than sincere relationship for the last year. Let's be real here, he's had feelings for you and you've had feelings for him and yet you've both stayed in your other 'relationships' for over a year. Maybe one or both of you are a little mistrustful of the others true emotional capabilities. Maybe you are worried that you may fall into a sham relationship with one another.

#3 [and last] You both may be Spotters and neither of you are the actual Shooter. What I mean is this - a successful sniper team has a shooter and a spotter, the spotter finds the target and makes certain assessments and the shooter actually uses that information to pull the trigger and take the target out. You both sound like Spotters - talking and making decisions and looking and thinking and yet neither of you is willing to take the shot and start a realtionship.

I think the time has come to either take the shot or walk away. If the target doesn't feel right, move on. If it does - TAKE THE SHOT.

The question now is, are you a spotter or a shooter?

Good luck-

The Not-So-Great Communicator

QUESTION: I've been dating E. for four months. He has a brilliant mind when it comes to his profession (he is a doctor) but I'm having a hard time understanding his mind when it comes to our relationship. We're both mid 40's, divorced, w/kids.

Problem: He communicates with me via text 99.99% of the time, even when we had our first "fight". His reason for not dialing up is he that he doesn't 'like' to talk by phone, he talks so much at work. So much of 'conversation' gets lost in translation. You can't hear inflection in a text. You can't hear sarcasm, nor can you hear warmth/sympathy. There is also the frustrating pause (minutes/hours/a day) between texts. Urbandictionary.com calls this 'textually frustrated'. That I am...Sometimes he won't reply to a text at all which makes me feel like I'm being ignored, what I 'said' wasn't important, etc.

Finally, last week I told him something needed to change. He asked me how many times a week I wanted him to call. As ridiculous as this request seemed, I gave him the answer of a minimum of three. It's Saturday, and we've only spoken once by phone.

E. was out of town for three days this week. The last two days, he sent a total of 20 words via text. Nothing today until he got home and all it said was "Home". Long story short, I went to his place (not in the best of moods but wanted to talk to him about the lack of conversation, etc.) and he didn't answer the door. This has happened to me twice before. This time I left and said to myself F* It! Came home and hours later got a text that he had fallen asleep and knew he was in trouble and "I'm sorry". Replied "So bad I can't f*g see straight".

Silence... Not a call, not a text, f*g nothing.

He told me he loved me last month. Really?!?!?!

Do I let it go???

signed...Mrs. Thomas Edison

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Interesting situation. I have a feeling that your 'friend's odd, anti-social, juvenile and self satisfying behavior probably played a big part in his divorce. I certainly don't know for sure, but he sounds, uh... 'special.'

Not wanting to speak to you because he speaks so much at work is now the number one ranked crock of BS that I have heard since Chuck and I started this blog. Congratulations and thank you!

Your Doctor friend is pretty much giving you the most that you are going to get from him. A grown man that prefers texting to talking, who refuses to let you in his home, and who has asked you what number of times he should call you each week is nuts. There, I said it - NUTS. I really wanted to give you some fluffy / gentle insight, but that would just NOT be be true. This guy is a piece of work. He is showing you exactly what he is going to give you as your relationship continues. You know what he is about, so everything you do from now on is at your own risk.

You can certainly ask him to change, but I live in this little place called The Real World, and in the Real World a guy with this much non-sense as your fellow has - is going to be almost impossible to grow to where you want him to be. Good Luck... you'll need it.

CHUCK: At the risk of sounding like some grumpy old fart, I'm going to go off on a little rant. I don't know, but the technology that was supposed to bring us together is keeping us apart. These gadgets and gimmicks that were sold as tools to enhance our experiences seem to be replacing actual experiences for some people. So we don't talk, we send 140 character tweets, or twits, or whatever. To make a friend, we put a check mark in a box on a website. And we maintain our relationships with text messages. What the hell.

Mrs. Edison, make no mistake: E. is a jackass. If this were 1840, and you were writing to each other with quills with feathers on the end, he'd still be a jackass. But the technological wrinkles of today have just made it easier for him to live up to his jackass potential. Garland is 100% correct. That "I talk so much at work, I really don't want to talk when I'm off" excuse has got to be one of the most ridiculous I've ever read. If anyone out there has heard a more comically bullshitastic excuse from their boyfriend, let us know. Maybe we'll give a prize.

There are some women who might say, concerning your situation, "at least he's thinking about you." And they would be right. In fact, I'll tell you just what he's thinking: "What is the absolute least amount of effort I can expend on this woman, and still get sex from her?" I mean, he asks you what is the minimum amount of calls he should make to you in a week. You tell him, and he still can't even meet that minimum? Just unreal.

And finally, you paid him a visit, and he didn't open the door, although you knew he was home. When I was about ten, I did the same thing, and didn't open the door for this pesky kid up the street from my house, who liked to play with my toys. It was wrong for me to do that when I was ten. For him to play similar games in his forties is INSANE.

In closing, Mrs. Ed, yes, let it go. Dr. E does not have issues, he has subscriptions. He doesn't possess enough affection and caring to maintain a relationship with a houseplant, let alone a woman. Leave this guy behind, and find someone who you can relate with somewhere other than a 3-inch screen.

Counting your blessings - today, tomorrow and forever

I just happened upon your blog, and it's so unque that I had to write you. I've been in an LDR for two years. Because I live in a very small town, I have very limited social opportunities and met this man on Match.com.

I am a woman with an independent income, attractive and popular, and he is a construction worker. This is the type of man I am attracted to, and money...or lack thereof..isn't a consideration for me. He has spent some time each month here with me, and I have spent time with him. It usually works out to only about three days a month, one way or the other.

During the course of our relationship, I have helped him financially to a great extent, which I don't regret. Recently, he has broken some promises to me but still asked for financial help. I told him that when I help him financially, it is to make "our" life together better, and I need to know I am a priority to him.

He has mentioned marriage, and several times I have suggested that I need to rent or buy a place near him so that we can spend time together to see if we're compatible in the long run. He has told me that "He likes to spend time with his buddys", the "He needs space" that "he doesn't know why he doesn't want to live together", that "when people spend too much time together, they get tired of each other".

As I write this, and begin to see the picture in retrospect, I feel foolish, When a person is too close to the situation, and when a woman is in love, it's nearly impossible to step back to reality. Good sense flies out the window.

I have not heard from him in four days, which is unusual, and haven't had the urge to call him. But still....my heart jumps when the phone rings...I feel if he should call I would cave in emotionally and not give any hint that I had been considering ending the relationship. I feel like an addict! Addicted to "love" or the idea of this man and I having a future together.

Do you have an encouraging message for me, or maybe validation that I should get out of this relationship? One the other hand, I may be over reacting, but I doubt it. Thanks so much

GARLAND: Thanks for sharing your question with us.

I have to say that I am so VERY glad to hear that you know that you are possibly in love with the 'idea of love' or the 'idea of you and this guy' having a relationship. So many people can't see the difference, so many people think that they LOVE this person, or this person LOVES them, or the LOVE they have is so great... but often times, people are simply blinded by the IDEA' of LOVE.

I think you are coming out much the better by this guy drifting out of your life. You gave him your time, you gave him your heart, and you gave him [some of] your money. Your time and your money you can never get back but your heart is still yours and I promise, it will heal. It may hurt a while, but it WILL heal!

I think he was probably never really up for a serious monogomous relationship. When we [MEN] start talking about "spending too much time together..." "needing to spend time with our buddies..." needing our space..." WE ARE SAYING, WE DON'T WANT TO BE TIED DOWN. WE DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU RIGHT NOW. WE'RE NOT TRYING TO GET TOO DEEP WITH YOU! That's our little way of saying, "Nope, it's not gonna' happen."

Another tad bit of information is the whole, "Investing in our future..." You can talk to a glass of water all day, but it won't become tea from your sweet voice. Telling him that you were investing in the two of you is a bit of relationship nonsense that I think ladies tend to TRULY believe in. I think you all figure that if you 'believe' in a future hard enough and you are willing to put cash in a man's hand under the guise of that belief, he will 'believe' in it too. 9 times out of 10, he won't.

That being said, GOOD FOR YOU, for being strong enough to let this guy fade into the wood work. I doubt that he was the worst person in the world, but he WAS NOT ready for a relationship, he got some of your time and some of your cash and I hope you got some laughs and a few good dates out of it - but he doesn't sound like a guy that is NEARLY ready for a grown up committment. Leave him in the past and keep your eyes open for the Good Guy that IS out there waiting for you. The one that wants YOU more than his buddies, the one that is willing to move closer to YOU and the one who enjoys his space more when YOU are in it!

CHUCK: I'll offer my agreement with Garland's answer, and also another piece of advice: Don't weaken. You have seen that this man has expressed little interest in moving out of the long distance relatioship phase. He's lightened up your pockets and given you a bunch of cliches. The realization has dawned on you that, not only has he not reciprocated your love, but what you felt may not really have been love at all. Great.

But your heart still leaps a bit when the phone rings. You're a romantic. And certain opportunistic men will try to play on that. So when he calls you a week, or a month from now (he will, it's inevitable), sweet-talking you and acting like you two just spoke yesterday, shut him down. I don't care how wistful or lonely you might feel.

I said in a post here a few months ago, that certain men can live in limbo for indefinite periods of time. He has shown no real urge to move your relationship forward, and that is unlikely to change. But as long as you're not holding his feet to the fire, and remain a soft touch for money, he'll string you along. If you're not happy in limbo, this guy is not the man for you. It's that simple.

Be thankful for your common sense and move on.

Relationship Autopsy

QUESTION: Hi Chuck & Garland

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me recently because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. He is 30, while I am 10 years younger, and hence he felt that there wasn't any end to this relationship at all as he would love to settle down and THINK that I did not. This came as a blow dealt to me as it wasn't what I had on my mind at all. I loved him and I had intentions to spend my life with him. Just 2 weeks ago, we came back from our new years holiday and everything was fine. Until I confronted him about some issues and he got upset with me for a week and said he needed a break. He finally talked on Sunday that week and that was when he said he needed to move on and find someone who would settle down with him. He felt that it was not going to be neither me nor him. He also claimed that it had nothing to do with ME, but it was him.

What really hurt me was when he said his feelings for me were always in a haze, when i asked him if he loved me before. Then when I asked him if he meant those things that he said before ie I love you and he said he meant it at that time but IT WAS HARD TO DEFINE. I was so terribly confused but he did not bother explaining anyway. He also said that I had not told him I loved him before but I did on a few occassion. I was thinking if it was because of the lack of reciprocation on my part that left to his insecurity in our relationship. He said I was right to know that he did truly care for me throughout our relationship. We practically lived together, me spending 4 days at his place and 3 at mine. I asked if there was someone else, he denied at first. And with my second probe, he said Yes maybe he was developing something for this girl back home in new zealand. I didn't know if it was true. He seemed pretty intent on this "quest" to look for a life partner, to the extent that he said we should limit contact because although he does spend time with his friends, he would love to devote/invest his time now to find "the one" now. I told him he made our relationship sound like a work transaction.

I am aware that I have to move on right now. It's so hard to remain here where I live because we have practically traveled the whole country and almost all her neighbours. I live in asia and it's so hard to stay anymore.

Thanks for letting me rant. There isn't any tangible questions in my letter but I am too confused that I do not know what too ask! There are so many things I want to know- Why does he not love me anymore? He just never give me a concrete answer for a proper closure.

GARLAND: No problem. I'm apologize for us taking so long to get to your question, sometimes questions get a bit lost when we carry them over from our inbox, I'm really sorry. I'm also sorry to hear that your boyfriend just switched on you like that.

I really wish I had some great insight for you, but sadly, some people are just jerks.

Giving you the runaround and then denying and then admitting that there was [or wasn't] someon else is the sign of someone that you are much much better off NOT having in your life. Don't sit back and waste time beating yourself up, look in the mirror and take a deep breath and remember that the woman you see is better than him and she deserves better for herself.

You are pretty young, 20ish, and believe me - you will look back on this guy as one of the positive things in your life. His treating you bad will make you stronger - TRUST ME ON THAT. If you don't believe anything else you hear in the next 12 months - BELIEVE THAT. You will come away from this stronger and wiser than you can ever imagine. You may not see that now, and your emotions may still be a bit raw - but down the road you are going to look back at this guy and laugh at what a loser he is and you will be so much the better by having moved on beyond him. TRUST ME, TRUST ME, TRUSE ME.

Best wishes to you!

CHUCK: I know that when someone breaks up with you, before you're ready to break up with them, there's a need to pore over the relationship to try to figure out what you did wrong. It's human nature. But that doesn't seem to be necessary here. Either this man is telling you the truth, about not feeling that you are the person that he wants to settle down with. Or he's giving you this line because he wants to be with someone else.

But does it really make a difference? Whatever the reason he broke up with you, he broke up with you. And, although he wasn't trying to spare your feelings when he did it, he did you a favor. The same way he believed you're not right for him, he's not right for you.

Take your time sifting through the ashes of this relationship if you must. But don't take too long. It seems it was hardly worth the effort. You're young, and when you're ready to settle down, you're going to find someone willing to settle down with you. Let the past be the past.

Moodswingin' (or Internet: Still the Devil)

Hi, I came across your site and thought it would be great to get an honest opinion -

Here's my relationship issue-

QUESTION: Met a wonderful man through an online dating site recently - we dated for about a month - the chemistry is/was super intense - and we both seemed to connect on an emotional, physical and intellectual level. We enjoy the same type of music ( rather rare as not many people are into this genre) and we are in very similar professions (have bonded over shop talk as well). Our first date lasted 8 hrs - the most charming, scintillating conversation that I've had in a long time not to mention the physical chemistry - somehow the connection was electric ! Time just flew by each time we met.

Some warning signs however did come up - he completely over-reacted the 2nd week into our budding romance when I was a little busy and told him I could not talk to him on the phone as I had errands to run - he apparently felt like I was treating him like he was not significant - and grew very distant till I point blank asked what was the matter - we made up and things were getting much better and we drew closer. Almost a month into this and I spent the weekend at his place - we slept together and the passion/sex was fantastic ! That Sunday when I was back at my place I told him that I had removed my online profile and expected that he would do the same - and his reaction is not at all what I had expected - this is where it gets VERY confusing for me ! He lashed out at me about how I do not have any trust and how it has only been a month and that I've made him feel bad about many things, something about a horrible past relationship and 'self-preservation' whatever that means - about how he is by himself (true - he has no family here) - and has to take care of his own well-being.

So, after spending an amazing weekend together at his place (the concert/the sex/the breakfast in bed) - I cannot understand how he can change from making plans for upcoming weekends, even Christmas vacation, 'joking' about getting married, saying that he feels soo strongly about me and generally having a great time together to not wanting to see me or even explain himself to me AT ALL !

We have only corresponded via email since then - sharing music - and he mentions how he remembers our last date ... but as soon as I mention anything to do with feelings/emotions he clams up and doesn't respond at all -

Anyways, looong story short - is this man just afraid of rejection/commitment phobic or was he playing me ( I don't think so ) - btw I know he has since then removed his online profile. Also, I'd like to move on - as an attractive woman, I find it easy to meet men - just not someone who can mesmerize me the way he did ! These churning emotions are new to me - I don't understand it esp. since it has only been a month of knowing him - but I found him to be an intellectual and physical equal - not sure now whether to pour my heart out in one final email ( along with sending him some self-help links on how not to sabotage relationships) and move on or just let it go and not get in touch ever again ..... and save my pride and not be that vulnerable to someone else (I'm such a feminist - that is so not me - I hate that I feel this way about a man ! )

Your perspective will be appreciated ! By the way I'm 30 and he is 29 .

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest !

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I apologize that it took us a while to answer it.

If it's not too late - DON'T SEND THAT LAST E-MAIL POURING YOUR HEART OUT, it will not do any good. If anything, it will put all of your vulnerabilities out on display and when you are dealing with a guy with "issues" [because you ARE dealing with a guy with issues] it will not bode well for YOU.

Don't bother with the self help links either, that will scream pretentious. It's fine that you want him to talk to somebody to deal with his issues, but you can't just TELL HIM THAT. I think had you not been intimate with him and maybe you all were just friends and hanging out you could have slipped it in, but for him to just rail at you over little things like his online profile or talks about a relationship, he has some DEEP issues and you may be better off cutting your losses.

Not to flip-flop, anything is possible, but as a man, I have to say that this guy shouldn't be in the dating pool. He needs to be in the gym, in school, in an art class or somewhere else occupying his time. This is, of course, assuming that a broken heart is his REAL issue. People handle getting hurt different ways - for me personally, I'd say I've had my heart broken twice - the first time, I learned that the sun will STILL rise the next day and the day after, and life goes on; the second time - I decided that the way I'd move on was to live well for the rest of my life. This guy needs to channel his hurt [or fear] into something positive. THAT positive, sadly, may or may not be with you.

I think you should trash the big emotional production with him, toss the help links out the window, and just be a casual friend to this guy for now. Don't JOKE about marriage, or love, babies, or sex or anything - just be a friend to this guy and see where things go. EIther he'll open up or he won't. But whatever you do - keep your dating options open!!! Why miss out on another decent guy if one is headed your way. However, If you find that you can't be around him without wanting to jump his bones, and he doesn't seem to want to stop being hyper sensitive, maybe you've got to sail on and see what else the world has in store for you. My best wishes to you and whatever comes next for you.

CHUCK: I have to agree here. Do not call this guy to pour your heart out one more time. All you are doing is exposing yourself to more hurt, because there is nothing that he will say that will make you get you back to where you were. He doesn't seem to have much interest in getting back together with you. It's a nice gesture to think that you could actually assist him by sending the self-help links (or maybe you just wanna get a dig in on him), but I doubt he'll accept it.

Because he has closed himself off to you. Whatever you did to him (um, NOTHING), it was more than he could handle. And frankly, his outburst was so irrational and off-the-wall, I can barely speculate as to what caused it. You might want to try visiting whatareemotionallyscarrednutsthinking@blogspot.com. I'm kidding, but honestly, what the hell? I don't believe he is playing you. But either you got too close, and he got scared. Or he felt that you were making an unfair demand by asking him to take his profile down, and he got his back up. He might be scared of the feelings he has for you. Jeez, he could be anxious about starting a relationship because he knows the Mothership is coming for him soon!

If love is a battlefield, this guy definitely has post-traumatic stress disorder. And even if he didn't just reduce the two of you to IPod buddies, he needs to do some growing up or calming down if he wants to be in a relationship with anybody.

As it stands now, it looks as though even your music trading relationship will peter out soon. Let it. It must be hard to see things going so wrong, after what seems to have been such a great weekend for you. But keep the good memories in your mind, and try not to focus on how things ended up. There's a man out there who able to relate to you the way this one did, but mature enough to handle an adult relationship.