In Need of Love Today

Dearest Chuck and Garland,

I thank God for the both of you.

QUESTION: Firstly, i would like to talk about my family background before starting the ball rolling. Well, since young, my family is often not there for me when i need them. I dun get much love from them as both my parents are often working and i have only myself to take care of.

Because of this fact, when i met my first boyfriend, i will unknowingly, depends my love from my boyfriend and that it has never dawned to me that one day he will leave me. and true enough, he did. i have to beg my boyfriend countless of times not to leave me.. it came at the point of time that i needed find another guy to take his place in case he will leave me again and i have no one to turn to. So it became a cycle that every time when my boyfriend wanted to break with me, i would find another boyfriend before he does that. and right now, i feel that i cant be doing this anymore. But i don't know how to stop this cycle and if i have no one to turn to, i will have suicidal thoughts. it felt as though i have lost the meaning to live. i am lost.

Right now, the guy i love most wanted to break with, and i do not know how to react. i love this guy alot but at the same time, i do not see any future with him. I have done so much for this guy, in fact, i have never done so much for any one in my whole life. He's a guy with big ego, everything that he says, i cant say no, i have to listen to every word of his. i paid for his everything. even the present that he wanted to give me for my birthday, i paid for them. in the eyes of all my friends, they see me as a loser. but that shows how blind love is. Throughout this relationship, he has never give in to me, say sorry to me. even when he's at fault, i have to apologise to him and beg him to come back to me. He always break with me over the smallest things, even things that he accuses me which i did not do. i cant live without him. cause i felt i'm too dependent on him for love.

To be frank, i have phobia of love since young. He's the first guy that make me overcome this phobia that whenever i am with him, i cant feel that phobia. We been together for 2 years. But it felt like 10 years. i think this is because we've been through so many ups and downs. He's a very practical and realistic person. everytime when i ask him if he's willing to spend his rest of his life with me he said he doesnt know of the future and he doesnt know the answer. Does that means he don't love me? in fact, although overall, we had a great time and a happy memories, i really don't know if he loves me alot because everytime he can give up this relationship so easily. He has never cry over our break ups or arguments, neither did he show signs of sadness over breaking up. He told me that to have me is a bonus and that no matter what happen, he can live life without me. Seriously, i'm scare that i'm not able to move on without him. I scare my suicidal thoughts take over me. I tried knowing other guys, but it doesnt help at all. I kept begging him back but it's of no use. I think i'm going crazy over this and i seriously hate my life. i don't know how to love myself. and i do not know how to start. Could you give me some advice?

Thank you for your advice and may God bless you.

Love, Miss Unfortunate

GARLAND: Thank you for kind words, the Blessings, and for sharing your question with us!

The first thing I want to get your attention to is this website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
it is a direct link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline! While Chuck and I are grateful that you think enough of us to share such a deep situation, we want you to understand that suicide is an extremely urgent matter and you need to speak with highly trained individuals that can help you through such a difficult time. The people at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) will help you through the places in your life where the journey seems a little rougher than it should be.

Now, for your question.

The very first thing we have to address is the fact that you seem to already know - you HAVE to love yourself. You CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT replace the love of YOURSELF with the affections of some man. YOU have to love yourself, period, BOTTOM LINE, that's it! There is so much I want to say to you - I hope I can get it all out...

You mention all of these different boyfriends and you mention "love" over and over again. No one finds LOVE over and over like this, you are in what is called "DEEP LIKE," you like these guys "DEEPLY" and they may even like you "DEEPLY" but please don't keep saying that what you have is LOVE with all of these different guys. You LOVE this guy today and you LOVE that guy tomorrow. That will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS lead you to emotional ruin. You are putting all of your self worth and value in the hands of men that MAY NOT have your best interest at heart. You are letting THEM define who and WHAT you are and you are letting them establish your measure as a woman and a person.

When you give others the complete ability to define you, and to establish the lows and highs that you have in your life, sadly you leave yourself open to hurt, sorrow and worse.

What can you do?

In my humble opinion, AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, but to start loving yourself and your life:

• You have to take away the negatives - The Boyfriends. You have to stop right where you are and either stop looking for the next one, or ask the current one if you all can take a break. I know from your E-Mail that this is going to be very hard. You have made your boyfriends the lifeblood of your existence, but you need to understand and believe that the lifeblood of you is WITHIN YOU. Find a way, SOONER than later and tell your boyfriend that you care about him, but you need the freedom to get to know and love yourself better and the only way you can do that is by being with just yourself for a while, several months, a year, or whatever it takes. (It will NOT take just a few weeks. Don't fool yourself so that you can rush back to him!) Hopefully he will care enough about you to give you a complete break without a bunch of drama. If he gives you a hard time, then he probably doesn't have your best interest at heart. This won't be easy on you, but nothing that is truly great in life is easy.
  
• Then, I think you need to find a way to connect more with your parents. I'm under the impression that you're under 21 and still at home with mom and dad. If you are having suicidal thoughts, TRUST ME, your mom and dad, no matter how busy you say they are, want to know and they want to be there for you. The main reason a lot of parents work so hard is to make life easier for their children. THEY love you, and they want you around with them. Few things will reinforce a person's self love like the reassuring love of a parent. GO TALK TO THEM NOW! TODAY!!!


• Then, change up the scenery of your life. I think when people get locked into the same cycles day in and day out, they lose perspective on the world around them. They get trapped in the same routine of the same places, the same people, the same faces, the same drama, the same old same old. Find new places to spend your time, find new places to mix and mingle, shop in different places, travel in different ways, try to bring a fresh and new perspective on who you are and where you are on this big little planet of ours.


• And, mostly - find the time and place to search into who you are. I think that having all of these boyfriends coming and going and trying to let them define you and make you seem valuable, you are not looking in the mirror and asking that lady, "Just who are you?" You have to find out what you like and don't like, what drives you crazy and what makes you pee in your pants with laughter. You have to make some serious quiet and alone time to find the beauty of you. It's there. It's there for you to find and for you to love. And once you find it and love it... my, my, my.

I want you to really walk away from these "boyfriends." They are going to ruin you. You must find the beauty of you in you. Talk to your parents or call the number I gave you above. There is so much in this world that you have yet to see and do. There are so many people in this world that have yet to be touched by you, to be befriended by you, to be embraced by you and to be enlightened by you! Life and YOU are both too precious to throw away.

Thanks for your question, and you make sure you drop us a line soon to let us know how you are doing. We won't post it, but we want to make sure you're okay.

-G

CHUCK: Miss I'm-not-going-to-call-you-Unfortunate, thank you for the kind words and the question, but before I can even try to answer you, I have to address these suicidal thoughts. To be as direct as I can be: DON'T. While I suppose it is normal to have thoughts of taking your own life, it seems as though you are in an emotional state desperate enough to take some sort of action. Please seek some help. Professional help. Garland and I feel we are pretty knowledgeable laymen in the area we work in, but dealing with folks lonely and sad enough to consider snuffing out their own lives is definitely where our area of expertise ends. Use the information above to contact someone before things get too serious.

You never state what your age is, but I think we can assume that you are a young person. And everything is of crucial importance to a person when they are young. But sometimes the simplest solutions evade us. For example: your parents. I know that times are tight, and people need to work to make sure they can provide for their families. But they need to look out for their family's emotional health, too. Your parents may assume that because you are of a certain age, you can take care of yourself, and their work is done. Obviously, they're wrong. Be straight with them and let them know that you are feeling alone and unloved. I wouldn't mention the word "suicide" to them necessarily at this point, but I doubt that an honest request from you for more of their time could go ignored.

Now on to the subject of these guys. I feel so sorry for young people these days, especially young women. Because so much of what passes for love and relationships these days is utter selfish bullshit. I'm not saying my generation never perpetrated bullshit like this on one another, but it's so much more obvious and unapologetic these days. What kind of guy is such a piece of shit that he makes you feel worthless, threatens you with break-ups, and uses you financially and sexually? One out of every four guys, apparently. And these guys go along about there merry way, going from victim to victim. Because why? They know how to spot their prey. Young ladies like you with "phobias" about love and low self esteem are who they flock to, because they feel like they can run their games on you.

Women, readers, I would like it so much if we could put these bastards out of business. If you see a guy trying to be with you, but trying to play you like this, walk in the opposite direction. It's that simple. Being alone is better. Honestly. Love yourself that much.

That is my simple advice for you concerning your sorry excuse for a boyfriend. He's always threatening to break up with you? Take the choice out of his hands and break up with him. Really, what are you losing? You need to feel better about yourself before you can get anything positive out of a relationship with a guy. It's a cliche, but it's true. Dump him. And do all that stuff Garland says above.

Finally, if it seems like I got emotional and rambled on here, it's because I take the issue of suicide very seriously. I lost someone to suicide, and I'd like to think that if that person thought about the effect it would have on those that were left behind, they would have reconsidered. No matter how bad you think things are now, they can get better. They will get better. And I want you to be around to see it.

God bless you.

I guess I'm happy, but there's always room for improvement...

Chuck and Garland, First up, your blog is utterly awesome for real because of the honest insights both of you provide, and I am sure every single women here, including myself, and men really appreciate and value both your input!

QUESTION: I have just got a little to share today about my relationship with my (Ex) boyfriend, let's call him T.

Recently, T and I broke up because of certain trust issues he had been bottling up, and the 'deal breaker' lied in me hanging out with a guy friend I got to know recently through a girlfriend of mine, in the pub. T and I had previously spoken about going out with guys I meet in the pub, and having done it once (last year) and sought his forgiveness, he decided to give me a chance. Recently, I was out with this 'new guy' I met together with my girlfriend for drinks and my boyfriend got pissed and he called it over. I admitted that this was my fault on 2 grounds- First, I lied to him that I was out only with my girlfriend that night. And he was actually testing me because he already knew that I was out with this new guy besides my girlfriend (he found out for his friend)! So Bam! Deal broken. Second, as I mentioned, we had actually talked about this issue on hanging out with 'random' guys I meet in the pub and as I have already given my promise... but broke them again. I am not going to justify myself because I really saw it from his perspective. I felt guilt and pain for hurting him and wished I have thought twice before agreeing to let that 'new guy' hang out with my girlfriend and I that night and had not breached his trust. (my rationale was that since the 'new guy' was a mutual friend between my gf and I, it would be totally fine. Yet at the same time I know it's my fault, after that long talk my bf and I had that night we broke it off).

A few days after we broke up, I sent him a letter on Friday expressing my apologies and remained very cool and calm throughout the letter on the split. I told him I respected his decision to split and agreed that he needed space. He actually replied my e-mail on Sunday which I never expected him to do so at all- knowing that he was still mad at me!

My question is (I am sorry, there is always a question. I am deeply embarrassed.)

-After reading his reply, do you think that this relationship can still be salvaged? I am going to take things real slow and build this friendship all over again and then move on to the next level when the time ripes. What do you think? I don't want to read much into things myself and I know I need a man to put things into perspective for me. What should I do to not intimidate him at all? I do not want to rush into things and destroy every that we still share. I would like to prove to him that he could regain his trust in me through my actions and so I am being very cautious and hope both you Chuck and Garland could provide me with some insights!

Also, I know this sounds really trivial and you would probably ask me not to read some much into it, but again I need someone to put me on the right track! He actually replied my text message when I told him on Saturday that I found an Art Gallery he might be interested in. Anyway, we carried on exchanging a few text messages and out of the blue told me he was going to go to Jakarta for a day or two as that was a new work deal coming up (he goes to Jakarta very frequently for work), which had no link to the text content we were exchanging at that point in time. What do you think it is? Or is it simply nothing at all? Knowing him, I am actually really surprised that he replied both my text and e-mail and explained that he was sorry about the delayed response because he had been really busy with work. I know that at this very moment he is not even thinking about a reconciliation but do both of you think it is possible, for a men's perspective?

I have learned to take responsibility to my actions and am remorseful about it. I would like to show him that he really could trust me again... What should I do to not 'scare' him away? I did love him and my actions weren't representative of my actions (and I know it's not a valid reason... ha ha).

Thank you so much, Chuck and Garland! I really do not know who to turn to for some substantial and concrete advise on my relationship! Oh god, THANK YOU!!!

Kind regards,Trust-seeker.

GARLAND: What a great compliment you gave us at the start of your E-Mail! Thank you and thanks for your question. By the way, you have nothing to be embarrassed by!

This is an interesting situation, and I read the reply from him. He sounds like an impressively sensable guy. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't sound angry, he sounds a little hurt and a little disappointed but he sounds really cool about it. And, I think his reply is proportional to what happened. You didn't run off and sleep with half of the local rugby team in the middle of the town square. You just wanted to hang out with some new faces and have some fun - the last time I checked, that wasn't a crime.

Your ex, "T" probably wanted a little more exclusivity between the two of you... I bet he's about 3 years older than you... and you probably wanted him to be your main squeeze and yet you still wanted to enjoy being single and carefree. Very reasonable from both of you.

As a man, and reading T's thoughts - give him some room. A few months, or a year or so and then WHEN YOU ARE READY to pass on the 'new guys' at the pub. Invite him over for a cookout or some coffee and something casual. I think he'll probably welcome you back into his life at some point, but not until you lose your interest in hanging out with new guys.

The BIGGEST issue isn't when HE is ready to take you back per se, the BIGGEST issue is when are YOU ready to be taken back. If YOU want to hang out and meet new guys, then you need to go ahead and do it! Don't worry about getting back with "T" right now, go out and get what you are looking for, if, after a while, you haven't found anyone or anything special then maybe it's time to give him a call.

And keep in mind - you probably don't want to hear this - but maybe T isn't the guy you're supposed to be with. MAYBE you know that deep down, and maybe that's why you don't mind having a pint at the pub with the new chaps. Maybe you are just weighing your options and that is a very good thing, more people need to do that! The fact that T is probably a nice guy doesn't make what I just said any easier, but it still might be true.

If you really want T, you must give him a few months away, you must find out what draws you to these new guys and you have to satisfy this need - then things should unfold as they should.

CHUCK: Trust-seeker, thanks for the kind words and the question. You have to be one of the more self-aware persons who've ever sent us a question. You lied to your boyfriend, and not only did you acknowledge it was wrong, you give us two reason why it was wrong! All right. You get extra credit points for that.

As for your indiscretion, you messed up, but I've seen worse. You didn't, after all, fall into bed with those blokes from the pub. However, you did lie to him, and for the lied-to, the degree of the lie is not easily dismissed. He needs to figure out whether, and how, he can trust you again. That will take a little time. Maybe not a year, but a few months.

He's already trying to show you that he's willing to forgive you by staying in contact with you, and not acting angry towards you when you speak. But the odds are, he's still rolling the idea around in his head, "Will she go out on me again?" If you got back together tomorrow, your relationship couldn't be good with that hanging over your heads.

So give him some time. Stay in touch, but don't crowd him. Take into account Garland's words about whether this guy is, in fact, the right guy for you. Think that over. Mind yerself at the pub. And I think you've got a chance things will work out your way.

Is you is, or is you ain't, My Baby?

Hi guys,

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, so I’ll just start. I met this guy about 7 months ago at a training for our current job. From the moment I saw him I knew instantly he was drawn to me, you know when you just get that feeling? At the time I was not, I couldn’t have cared less! But any time I would walk into the same room as him, his eyes automatically followed me, and if I caught him looking he would continue the gaze. Anyway, I’m not sure how but I became attracted to him, and one day while walking into work I bumped into him. We walked and ended up talking, which lead to us having lunch and dinner together. Soon after, each evening he would wait for me and walk me to my car. In my mind I thought to myself, “There is no way this man does not have feelings for me”. So one day, whilst having lunch with him I coolly brought up whether he had a girlfriend or not. Expecting a ‘no’ he answered (well, mumbled) that he did. Shocked as I was, I decided that I would not cross that line and remain friends with him. We grew closer and more comfortable with one another, and nothing really seemed to change.

The last morning I was working on my shift with him before I changed to nights, I decided to give him my number to keep in touch. As I got into my car and drove off, my phone rang and it was him making sure I had his number as well. I was very adamant that I would not be calling him (not only because I am not much of a phone person) but because I found it disrespectful to phone another woman’s man- especially with my impending feelings for him. I even told him that (my feelings for him not included). He got somewhat upset, but for months he was the one who would call me once or twice a week, resulting in our conversations lasting until 4am in the morning. Somehow I believed that with us not seeing each other as much, we would grow apart, but it has turned out to be the opposite.

At work if he comes in early to see me, he‘ll make a point of hugging me in front of everyone numerous times and will have his arm around my shoulder when we‘re walking. Any chance he gets to put his arms around me, he’ll take.

A couple of days after I gave him my number I texted him, and ever since then we text one another everyday. The most that he or myself will not hear from one another is 1 day, 2 maximum. If he thinks the slightest thing is wrong with me he assures me that he’s there, and will not stop until he knows that I am okay.

Ex. I forgot to text him back on day and was kind of cryptic on what was going on. The next day he texted me asking if I was alright and when I tried to find out how he was doing, he responded that as long as I was fine everything is good with him.

It is safe to say it has gotten to the point where he is very open and confides in me with things I’m sure not a lot of people know. If I am on instant messenger we talk for hours--the communication is non-stop. We even meet up occasionally outside of work and hang out for hours. If people mistake us for a couple, he does not get offended, instead we simply reply ‘we’re just friends’ and laugh it off because we’re so use to it. We flirt all the time, and our conversations usually come back down to relationships; our likes and dislikes in them, which usually result in our agreement of the same things. He attempts to skillfully ask me about things that I look for in I like in men and appears to really takes note of what I say, or he will answer in a way that says he is that type of guy.

For example, one day I told him he looked really good in blue, and every since then if we meet up outside of work he is wearing black (lol).

When it comes to his girlfriend, I have tried not to pry too much, but whenever I do ask he is more than willing to answer. Usually he is the one who brings her up, if we talk about something we dislike in relationships, such as the other person already having kids and the stress it brings. From what he’s said, she is already a mother of 3 children, none of which are his own. He has been with her for 4 months, and they were first friends before getting together and his fear is that is he leaves her, her baby father will come in and treat her poorly. He has mentioned that he is unsure of how long the relationship will last because he does not see himself with her in the long run and also, situations like people mistaking the children as his when they’re out and how he finds it somewhat embarrassing to correct them. I never sound angry when she is mentioned, instead I try to tell him to let things take their course but I don’t know if maybe I’m just screwing myself over by being nice about that.

My isue is, no matter how much he flirts and confides in me…he still has a girlfriend. If he really could not see the relationship lasting that long, he would have left her already, no? I always tell him to just let things flow, that if it’s meant to work out it will and if it isn’t, it will be a learning experience. He even went on to say that if it doesn’t work out he will never date another woman with children again. My friend thinks it’s all too clear that he does have feelings for me and that I should express my own to him, that possibly he is just intimidated by me (which may be the case, because he has seen me shoot other men down and he is considerably shy) but why should I do that? I am not the one with the baggage, I’m single. I feel that if he really was interested in me, he would have already ended the relationship.

Also, clearly things cannot be that bad between them if he is still with her. This only makes me want to stay way and ignore him, because the more I talk to him, or see ‘ you have received a text message from…’ only makes me want what I cannot have. I’m growing so impatient of all the wondering, and constant innuendoes between us, leaving me thinking it may just be me who is looking too much into things, and he really only sees me as a friend or he is trying to play with my head.

I’ve already heard that if a man has a girlfriend, just let him go he just wants you as his side-thing. But I know this man as well, and I know he would not intentionally hurt me. I am hoping to get a perspective from someone who does not know me and can be straight up!
Sorry about the length of this, I needed to get things off my chest!

Thank you.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

I would love to give you some warm wonderful reply. But we didn't start this blog to lie to folks.

Basically, you've caught big-time feelings for a dude that is too weak to toss the girlfriend to the curb. Seeing as though he's been majorly emotionally unfaithful to her with you, I don't see why he doesn't push her all of the way out the picture.

The whole White Knight nonsense about him not wanting to drop her because one of her Baby-Daddies coming back in and treating her bad is the biggest load of bullcrap I've heard in months. Either his lady is breaking him off something proper or she's kickin' him some financial assistance. If he is coming in early to work to hug on YOU, and he's texting and calling YOU like crazy and he's strolling around in public with YOU and he's confiding his deepest empotional secrets with YOU - why does he need her?

There is some straight BS somewhere in this equation and sadly - he's dishing it to YOU. Mark my words, his girlfriend has shown that she's fertile, so the man that you are feelin' right now is gonna' be the baby-daddy to her #4 child. Then I'm sure he'll dump her in a heartbeat, pop a ring on your finger, make YOU be the step-mama to the child he had with the woman he WOULDN'T DUMP FOR YOU and while you're at home with Junior, Daddy will be at work hugging on the next Cutie-on-Deck. Yeah, I know I sound cynical - but bullshit in high doses tends to make me that way.

He's using you because you are his emotional outlet. You're probably cute too, so that doesn't hurt his image either. A woman with three kids is a big emotional and time commitment, if he's as free as you make him out to be, something ain't right. Have you met this "girlfriend"? I'm almost scared that he DOESN'T have a girlfriend with all these kids - he may have another YOU in a nearby town and he uses the "girlfriend" line so that when she's fulfilling his other needs YOU won't bother him. OKAY - OKAY, I'm reaching there, maybe.

In a nutshell, you liked this dude from day one, that's why you slipped him your number. The whole - "I wouldn't dare disprespect another woman by calling her man" was a cute line, honestly. But, you are human, you liked something about him and wanted to keep in touch - it happens. But, this guy is BS'ing you. No guy in his right mind... IN HIS RIGHT MIND... is going to continue to date a woman with three kids and Baby Daddy issues THAT HE ADMITS doesn't seem to be going anywhere - while he has a nice, single lady with no kids and a lot in common that he is just BEING FRIENDS WITH. Make this dude an ultimatum!!! Either he drop the ex THIS WEEK or you walk and PLAYTIME is over. This whole "we're just friends" foolishness that you all have between you, is what grown folks call, "Serious Sexual Tension." If he is so scared to leave her, then you need to move on and stop enabling him to be emotionally unfaithful to his uh, "Girlfriend."

CHUCK: Well... Okay, Garland. And here I thought I was the cynical one. There's very little here for me to disagree with, though. Writer, you are deluding yourself that you are in a 100% rewarding relationship with this dude. And you are letting him be the only one who defines your relationship, why? Because it's cute? Because it keeps them talking at work? Because it's not as risky as being in a real romance with someone?

I agree that his story about staying with his girlfriend to "protect her" from going back to her abusive ex is some Grade-A prime bullshit. And my take is that he's probably staying with her for financial or sexual reasons. Because these are two things that he isn't getting from you right now. And he's not talking about leaving her, so these reasons are evidently pretty strong.

I'm not suggesting that he doesn't care for you. He's spending a lot of time with, and on you (and the texting... God, don't get me started). But you have given him all the power in this relationship by letting him define you as "just friends," when it's clear you want to be more. And you don't know how it tortures me to say that, because normally I refuse to think of things like who has the so-called "power" in a relationship.

Something that also needs to be addressed is your feeble rationalizations for, in effect, taking another woman's man away. People: If you know that it is wrong to have your emotional or sexual needs fulfilled by someone else's mate, DON'T DO IT. Plain and simple.

Finally, if you're happy to continue as this man's work girlfriend, continue to do so. There are worse things to be. But if you want a little more from your friend then what he's currently offering, ask for it. As I said in a response to a previous post, men can live in limbo-states for indefinite periods of time. Women cannot. The time to take the next step may be now.