QUESTION: I'm a black woman, 38 years old, professional and well educated. I've been spending late nights reading blogs lately and that's how I found yours. The subject of my blog inquiries has been "black women and white men" and there are a million opinions. I'm having some problems finding a good Black man that is interested in getting married and raising a family, and last week I found myself sitting across from a man named Dale in a very beautiful Italian restaurant. I was having a nice time, laughing and talking and it just felt great to be out with someone who didn't clam up when the "M" word came up. What is my issue? Dale is white. When did this happen to me? When did I, Miss Spellman University, Miss Morgan State University, Miss 12 years of Jet magazine and 8 years of Ebony magazine subscriptions, decide to go out with a white man? What in God's name is going on? Come on and tell me What are men thinking?
CHUCK: I'll go you one better: I'll tell you what YOU'RE thinking. You're thinking, "I'm tired of being by myself, and waiting to find a man with the same background as me who's willing to open himself up to a relationship. I'm willing to give Dale a chance, despite the differences that we may have." And there's nothing wrong with that. Nobody's gonna show up and confiscate your Ebony magazines.
Forgive my generalities (of course, Black women have dated White men before today), but there is a sea change going on in the world of interracial relationships. Or maybe it's been something gradual and we're just noticing the results now. Stated plainly, Sistas Ain't Havin' It No More. For years and years, Black women have watched their men go to jail, go to the grave, just GO. Sometimes go to White women. They toughed it out, raised their kids, waited for that Black Man They Loved to get hisself straight. But rarely did they even consider moving on to a man of a different race, let alone a White man.
Maybe that Tom Jefferson/Sally Hemmings type baggage was too much for them to bear. I understand. But if you decide to continue to see Dale because you like him, and despite whatever barriers society is (still) gonna put in front of you, well, everybody else is going to have to get used to it. It's the 21st Century.
Maybe Garland disagrees with me. Let's see.
GARLAND: N0, I don't disagree with Chuck.
I think you are facing the same issue that a lot of black women are facing when it comes to the dating scene. The brothers are not always making it easy - we've got too many in jail, too many in the graves, too many with rainbow stickers on their cars, too many on the DL and too many just trying to run game. I'm not saying all brothers are like that, and I'm not even saying the majority of brothers are like that - but it's enough to make the black y black dating scene hard for a sister.
I think you're tired of waiting for that handsome brother on the subway to ask you for your number. I think you've given up on that cute brown-skinned fellow you always see at the gym asking you out. I think you've had enough excuses from the guy you went to grad school with as to why you can't call him at home. I think you're simply human and I think you're ready to put yourself first - which is where you should always be.
A lot of people worry about the perceived 'stigma' of dating someone of another race - to me, if someone is sincere and they are treating you with respect and honesty and they are not dating you BECAUSE you are the color of coffee, or tea, or they've always wanted to 'do it with a black girl'... then relax and enjoy yourself with Dale or anybody else you want to be with. All I say is, don't slap a color resrtiction on your heart - don't run to the brothers because they're black and don't run to the white guys because they're NOT.
And Chuck is also right when he says, "Nobody is gonna confiscate your Ebony's."