Wednesday

Interracial dating

QUESTION: I'm a black woman, 38 years old, professional and well educated. I've been spending late nights reading blogs lately and that's how I found yours. The subject of my blog inquiries has been "black women and white men" and there are a million opinions. I'm having some problems finding a good Black man that is interested in getting married and raising a family, and last week I found myself sitting across from a man named Dale in a very beautiful Italian restaurant. I was having a nice time, laughing and talking and it just felt great to be out with someone who didn't clam up when the "M" word came up. What is my issue? Dale is white. When did this happen to me? When did I, Miss Spellman University, Miss Morgan State University, Miss 12 years of Jet magazine and 8 years of Ebony magazine subscriptions, decide to go out with a white man? What in God's name is going on? Come on and tell me What are men thinking?

CHUCK: I'll go you one better: I'll tell you what YOU'RE thinking. You're thinking, "I'm tired of being by myself, and waiting to find a man with the same background as me who's willing to open himself up to a relationship. I'm willing to give Dale a chance, despite the differences that we may have." And there's nothing wrong with that. Nobody's gonna show up and confiscate your Ebony magazines.

Forgive my generalities (of course, Black women have dated White men before today), but there is a sea change going on in the world of interracial relationships. Or maybe it's been something gradual and we're just noticing the results now. Stated plainly, Sistas Ain't Havin' It No More. For years and years, Black women have watched their men go to jail, go to the grave, just GO. Sometimes go to White women. They toughed it out, raised their kids, waited for that Black Man They Loved to get hisself straight. But rarely did they even consider moving on to a man of a different race, let alone a White man.

Maybe that Tom Jefferson/Sally Hemmings type baggage was too much for them to bear. I understand. But if you decide to continue to see Dale because you like him, and despite whatever barriers society is (still) gonna put in front of you, well, everybody else is going to have to get used to it. It's the 21st Century.

Maybe Garland disagrees with me. Let's see.

GARLAND: N0, I don't disagree with Chuck.

I think you are facing the same issue that a lot of black women are facing when it comes to the dating scene. The brothers are not always making it easy - we've got too many in jail, too many in the graves, too many with rainbow stickers on their cars, too many on the DL and too many just trying to run game. I'm not saying all brothers are like that, and I'm not even saying the majority of brothers are like that - but it's enough to make the black y black dating scene hard for a sister.

I think you're tired of waiting for that handsome brother on the subway to ask you for your number. I think you've given up on that cute brown-skinned fellow you always see at the gym asking you out. I think you've had enough excuses from the guy you went to grad school with as to why you can't call him at home. I think you're simply human and I think you're ready to put yourself first - which is where you should always be.

A lot of people worry about the perceived 'stigma' of dating someone of another race - to me, if someone is sincere and they are treating you with respect and honesty and they are not dating you BECAUSE you are the color of coffee, or tea, or they've always wanted to 'do it with a black girl'... then relax and enjoy yourself with Dale or anybody else you want to be with. All I say is, don't slap a color resrtiction on your heart - don't run to the brothers because they're black and don't run to the white guys because they're NOT.

And Chuck is also right when he says, "Nobody is gonna confiscate your Ebony's."

18 comments:

Evia said...

Y'all are hilarious!

LOL@confiscate your Ebonys.

I think we black women just take this ir thing too seriously. Too many black women think that their dating practices are on everybody's front burner when actually what they do and who they're doing it with is just not that important to other folks at the end of the day. LOL!

JJ said...

LOL on the "confiscat ur Ebobys" That's funny....Good answers too...

Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...

Evia-

I whole heartedly agree! They stress over other people way too much.

Nothing releves stress to me better than throwing two middle fingers up in the air for anybody looking to see. Maybe thats what soem of the people in IR's need to do! Just throw 'em up one time! : )

(Garland)

Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...

JJ

If you want a good laugh, just browse through some of our archived answers! Chuck is the clever wise ass in our duo!!!

He cracks me up all the time!

(Garland)

Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...

Evia, JJ-

Thanks for the comments. These can be serious issues we write about, but we try to be entertaining. Stay tuned.

(Chuck)

BeautifulBrownGirl said...

Im glad to see two black men encouraging a black female to date a white male. I've been through a lot of websites, blogs, forums, etc., and this is the first time I have seen black men (not one but two) tell a black women it is OK to date a white male as long as there are pure and honest intentions. It makes me so happy to finally come across this!

Just to let you all know I am a black female in a loving relationship with a white male (10 months stong!). A couple of weeks ago my boyfriend and I had our first encounter with a black male who came up to me, while completely ignoring my boyfriend, and asked me as if he knew me personally, "Do black men not do it for you?" I was so shocked I almost didn't know how to respond. But I held my composure and told him that men are men, and I am dating Matt (my boyfriend) because I love him, not because he is white and not because I somehow despise black men or "they don't do it for me." (lol. I can laugh at it now, but at the time I was shocked.) I don't want black men to think that I somehow "hate" black men because I am with a white male. I just happened to find a wonderful loving male who treats me with respect, understands me, accepts me as I am, and he just happens to be white. There are good men out there of every color: black, white, and every shade in between. That's it, nothing more, nothing less. Our relationship is what it is.

I just wanted to let you two (Chuck & Garland) know that you made my day when I came across your blog. I plan on reading more posts and look forward to new ones in the future!

Please excuse any typos.

Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...

Thanks BEAUTIFULBROWNGIRL for dropping us a comment!

I'm glad you're happy in your relationship.

The guy that approached you was pretty bold! I know it took me some time to try and be open minded about interracial dating. I used to take it as a personal assault by Black women that said they'd be open to the idea of dating outside of the Black race. I used to think they were saying that we Black men weren't good enough for them. After some time, I realized that that was NOT the case per se.

My biggest concern was [and still is] in B/W - W/M relationships is true honesty and sincere respect towards my Sisters. As long as men [of all races] hold Black women in the highest of regards and esteem - I'm okay.

(Garland)

Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sean said...

Pardon me for going there but I cna't help it. In the midst of waiting for "Mr. Black & Right" where is your faith? I am one brother whi is NOT in jail, NOT with a white woman, NOT on the DL and NOT all the other negative things that BLACK MEN are being called and stereo-type as being.

I mean it is a pain in my (well you know) when I see so much BLACK MEN AIN'T all over the place. I wasn't this way all my life but it took me time to grow into this. One thing I didn't want to do was to be married and NOT be able to do what a husband should do. I still had to get that stuff out of my system.

Transitions come at different times for people and just because you may be ready to marry doesn't mean he should be. Look at how patient some of us have to be when a BLACK woman is going through. What about the BABY's DADDY's drama we have to deal with? What about the I been hurt too much be men drama?

Oh I could preach a sermon on this but before you start putting all black men out consider what he may want.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...

Sean-

We're not droppin' the "black men ain't sh--" as you claim. We're BLACK MEN for God's sake! And, I don't think the women commenting are saying that either.'

I think the woman that sent to question in is tired of [like you alluded to] Black men in transistion that aren't ready to be serious or to settle down. Me and Chuck were trying to be as realistic as possible here - If our Black Women would like to be with Black Men and the Black Men they encounter aren't ready... it's only reasonable for them to move on to ANY man that is ready!!!

You mentioned...
I wasn't this way all my life but it took me time to grow into this. One thing I didn't want to do was to be married and NOT be able to do what a husband should do. I still had to get that stuff out of my system.

Hey, I feel you on that, but what if you had a real good woman in your life? Is she supposed to just sit around for years and years waiting and hoping and praying that you grow out of whatever it is you'd rather do that step up to the plate with her?
Some women will sit at your doorstep patiently while guys grow up. But many won't!

Men of all ages need to be READY to step up when a good woman comes into their lives. It's not a Black thing or a White thing or a Latino thing - it's a MAN THING! You find a good woman. a gem, a TREASURE- you cut your bullsh*t out immediately! Drop the booty-calls, come in off the basketball courts, start working harder at your job, turn off the Playstation and REPRESENT. So, really - in my opinion, a decent woman shouldn't have to WAIT for you to grow up.

Garland

Jason said...

I'm sorry that the lady in question is confused, but seriously....why? I really can't even believe we are still at a point where "educated" people worry about this stuff. And as a black man who has always dated women of all races from day one, and a lot of white ones I have never given a damn. People think it's funny when I refer to myself as the Baskin Robbins of Love (31 flavors), but I mean it. And I went to a rural high school that was 700 white kids, me and 2 gay brothas, so spare me the lectures about seeking out/coveting white women whatever 'cause there literally WERE no sistas. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is just the 100th time I've heard a sista complain about not being able to find a good black man. Just find good damn MAN period.

penalverwpu said...

Why it is that black women feel they need to find a ‘good black man’ in order to get married and raise a family? What ever happened to finding a man that you feel 100% comfortable with, that understands you, accepts you for you who are and vice versa?

Many people today put too much emphasis on the race of someone they are dating. People need to break free from the way society (and sometimes family) has imprisoned their mind and shaped their view on who they should date/marry. One shouldn’t care about what others think, they can’t live your life for you, only you can and you need to be happy in life because its way too short. It’s about whom you feel you are compatible with and what you can offer each other mentally and spiritually first.

In her question, I saw that she asked “what in God’s name is going on?” I for one believe that if God didn’t want you to marry outside your race he would have made everybody the same (but how boring would the world be then).

If you feel there are no ‘good black men’ out there right now that can meet what you’re looking for, you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold and wait when there is another man from a different race that could be or has been ‘Mr. Right’ all along. Please don’t make the mistake of shutting out someone that could possibly be the one for you because you may be worried about the stigma attached to interracial couples.

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