Chuck and Garland-
I have another question for you concerning a friend. My friend,who I'll call Cissy, works as a contractor at a government agency. Although her job isn't really top secret, the agency she works for is really security-oriented, and she has to maintain a high level security clearance to keep her job.
The problem arises from the guy Cissy's been seeing. Let's call him Curtis. As plain as I can put it, he's a thieving crackhead. Don't ask me how she hooked up with this guy. I have no idea. He's stolen from Cissy and lied to her so many times, I can't believe it. She stuck by him and defended him, while he's stolen her car, her money, even gifts from her!
The agency Cissy works for, during some period when she thought she might actually marry him, has looked into Curtis, and found him undesirable. They have advised Cissy to limit her contact with Curtis because of his criminal record. She told them she would, but she's still seeing him. And she does this knowing that continuing to see him could cost her her security clearance, and her job.
I never thought of Cissy as stupid, but what else would make her risk her livliehood like this? She'd been by herself for a while before Curtis, but so what? Is there anything I can say to her to get her to drop this bum?
CHUCK: Please indulge me for a minute while I lay out some theory. It's really nothing new, but I need to put it out there. Human beings, having free will as we do, are often drawn to persons and things that, despite the momentary pleasure that they offer us, are really no good for us in the long term. But still, people continue to do detrimental things like smoke cigarettes, take drugs, or watch Flavor of Love.
Curtis is probably serving the same purpose for Cissy. She's playing at some real daredevil, Evel Knievel stuff. She's just not using motor vehicles. She may be thinking she can change this bad person. She may be thinking that "love will conquer." She may be doing the female equivalent of "thinking with the little head."
For too many people, the idea of being alone is just so terrible to them that they will accept anything resembling a relationship. No drug addict is capable of having a relationship, because they are incapable of putting anyone in front of themselves. And Curtis' behavior has shown it. There's no way that he could steal from Cissy and endanger her financial well-being if he cared for her.
Talk to Cissy if you'd like, but I wouldn't expect too much. If you say that her job has put her on notice, I don't know what else you can say that will change her mind. And, let's face it, the loss of this job, no matter how good it may be, is beside the point. Cissy has shown the willingness to damage her career and livliehood for this clown. Whether her job is high security or fast food is irrelevant. I hope your friend comes to her senses before she does herself too much damage, but we'll see.
GARLAND: Um... Cissy isn't stupid? Okay - if you say so.
Let's suppose Cissy isn't stupid. Now this is a BIG suppose, alright, but let's just do it. Then she must not either like or want her job. Maybe she just doesn't care about her job. Maybe the pay sucks. Maybe she really wants to get fired so she won't have to hassle with quitting. Or maybe she's one of these insane women that loves to have a roughneck thug to smack her around and treat her like shit to show her how much he loves her.
But Cissy's not stupid, right?
Then again, Cissy may be the kind of woman that foolishly believes 'she can change him.' She has a man that - from your description - sounds like a drugged-out, burned-out, abusive criminal asshole. What a feather in her cap if SHE could turn that kinda' bum around. If she could drown him in defenseless, self sacrificing, self punishing love and have him suddenly bloom into a successful, intelligent, generous, loving, upstanding man - imagine how proud she could walk around her family and friends with this shining gem of a man on her arm! She would probably be giddy as a school girl as she boasts, "I made him everything that he is!"
That's what I think is going on. I think, she thinks - that maybe this guy can be turned around and made into something special and the longer she suffers in her love for him, the bigger saint she'll be in the long run. Either that or she's just so lonely that she feels that no one better will ever come along in her life. I'm not even going to use the word "love" in the things that could be going on with her, because LOVE has nothing to do with letting someone steal from you, threaten your career, or treat you like crap.
What should you tell her? Tell her to read this blog or sign up at Monster.com - because she'll be needing a job VERY soon.
Monday
Saturday
It Is What It Is
QUESTION: Hi C & G,
Okay, here's one for you. A few weeks ago I met a guy at his house to hang out and catch up. Now, I didn't know this guy very well - he'd worked in the same company as me (although in a different office), and we knew of each other, but hadn't really ever socialised before. When he left the company, we kept in touch via email, and saw each other at mutual friend's gigs once in a while - and had a couple of very entertaining talks. Anyway, one night I called him on the offchance of catching up for a beer. Now, I didn't have any intentions as I was under the impression he had a girlfriend. Somewhere into the conversation, I found out that he'd actually been single for some time. Anyway, a 6 hour marathon conversation about life, the universe and everything ended with him jumping me, and we had extraordinary, passionate sex. Now, I'm a very open woman who is able to separate sex from love, and I'm well used to having guys as sexual partners only.! With this in mind, I got in touch with him a few days later and suggested that we meet up again for another session of talking, having a few beers and some great sex. I couched this suggestion in honesty, which was that my suggestion was probably a bit too fast and forward, but that life was too short to send mixed messages (and I know how guys get frustrated at womens' roundabout way of saying things). He got back to me saying that fast and forward was just fine with him, and that he'd love to take me up on my suggestion....but that he was going out on a date!! I actually laughed at this response in a positive way, because it was so honest - I guess in reaction to what I'd been saying. Anyway, shortly after that I went on vacation, but before I did, sent him a message thanking him "for what I deservë" - yes, a mixed message, but for me, meaning that I was pleased someone was being honest with me. When I got back from vacation a couple of weeks later, I got in contact wit! h him, again suggesting very casually, but very directly, that we meet up for a few drinks and sex. He got back to me and agreed that that was a great idea - and asked me when I was around. And this is where it gets wierd. Over 2 weeks, I sent him a couple of emails letting him know when I was around for that week (which was only on specific evenings). No response.
Confused by this, I decided to write this guy off as he obviously wasn't interested. And then out of the blue, he contacted me at 4am in the morning, and invited me round to his place for sex. As I've said before, I'm very open and relaxed about that kind of thing, so I went along with it. He knew full well that he was making a booty call and said as much, thanking me for going along with it.During the er,proceedings, however, I realised that I actually wanted more than just a F*** buddy relationship out of this guy, so the next morning, I suggested that the next time we meet be for something a bit more civilised - like dinner. He seemed open to this and said he'd be in touch. But at home that night, I got horny and sent him a message letting him know, and that he should do something about it. No response. A couple of days later, again, got horny and let him know, also asking if I was allowed to make a booty call on him (the implication being that it was okay for him! to do it, so why couldn't I?). Again, no response. Now, I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" and I know what the warning signs are in this kind of situation. My question is - there seems to be a double standard here where men can booty call and not follow up on a promise, but when a woman does it is she ""pushing too hard?". And given the background to this situation, is that dinner date going to come about now that Í've booty called him twice?
I understand how the messages I'm sending could be confusing - one minute sexual, the other asking for a proper date - but really I just wanna know if I should even bother. What do you think?
CHUCK: Oh. My. God. I have a headache. All the back and forth here has left my brain spinning. Let me get this straight: You two can't even sustain a booty call relationship, but you expect to start DATING this guy? I'm not gonna say it'll never happen, but the likelihood? Just not there.
I'm reluctant to give that Greg Behrendt guy any more recognition than he's already gotten (did you seen the crappy TV show this guy made?), but this guy isn't that into you. And he hasn't even made a half-hearted effort to show you he is. He has only shown interest in you as a f*ckbuddy, and not consistent interest at that.
Do some men have a double standard about who gets to make the sexual advances, and when? Absolutely. Some guys feel that it's the job of the Man to make the booty call. Others, let's face it, will feel a pressure to perform. Guys talk about being sexually ready at a moments' notice, but sometimes that's not the case. But just as likely, he could have been entertaining another female at the time, and understanding the admittedly trivial nature of your relationship, blew your call off.
Your friend has, I think, already categorized you, and I don't think it is as girlfriend material. He may ask you to make a movie before he asks you out to one. Sorry. At least he's been honest with you, though. The mixed messages between you have confused me, so I can imagine how the two of you must feel. You two need to go your separate ways right now. Maybe somewhere down the line you will be more aligned in terms of what you're looking for in a partner.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question! We appreciate everyone that takes the time to ask our opinions on things.
Okay, let me get my ducks in a row. You go to a guy's house to hang out and catch up, yet you say you didn't know him and he worked in a different office...
Then you call him to go out and have a beer, yet you say you thought he had a girlfriend...
Then six hours later, uh six hours and ONE MINUTE later, the boots are knockin'...
Then you say you are a woman who "is able to separate sex from love.."
Then you try to get the hook up again, but old boy brushes you off for more booty because he has a date. He strings you along for two weeks - knowing the sex is his for the taking and then at 4AM (!!!) He calls you for sex, you get out of your warm and cozy bed and drive to his place to give him the good stuff and then your nose gets opened up and you now want to be The Girlfriend.
I think I got all of that right.
As you read what I'm about to say, keep in mind that I am always frank and brutally honest when my female friends and family ask me about men.
Please either leave this dude alone or accept the role of Jenny B. Readybooty. Right now, you are Jenny B. Readybooty! This guy is doing nothing more than what you claimed to be able to do yourself. He's keepin' it Strickly Dickly. But anyway - he just wants you when HE wants YOU, nothing less and certainly nothing MORE. By telling you that he had a date and didn't have time to get busy with you, he laid the rules out in your face. YOU chose to ignore them! Sadly, I think you THINK you can keep sex and love separated but at least with this dude you can't. I'm not knocking you because being human is being human! But, don't lie to yourself about that! If you are honest about that, the next time you need a hookup, just do it and walk away - no numbers exchanged, no e-Mail addresses, just do what you have to do and walk away.
You can't change the rules in the 8th inning. If homeboy kept you dangling on the hook, which is what he did - FOR WEEKS, you can't suddenly say, look I want dinner and dancing, I want movies and concerts, I want to meet your mom... you can't do that switch around. ONE - it's not realistic and TWO - it's NEVER gonna be what you want it to be. Leave dude alone. All he is good for is using YOU to get his sheets wet, and he doesn't even seem to want to do that much. He's not worth the time and energy, Sis.
And one more thing! GIRL, if I EVER hear about you getting out of YOUR bed at 4AM to go to some dudes house to give him sex, I'm gonna'...!!!! Look - the rules are bootycalls up to 2AM, after 2:01 AM folks are interfering with the next work day!!! Don't you EVER get out of your bed and go to some dude that calls you for sex. Shit, Honey - YOU HAVE THE MAIN EVENT!!! Make them come to your crib!!!
Okay, here's one for you. A few weeks ago I met a guy at his house to hang out and catch up. Now, I didn't know this guy very well - he'd worked in the same company as me (although in a different office), and we knew of each other, but hadn't really ever socialised before. When he left the company, we kept in touch via email, and saw each other at mutual friend's gigs once in a while - and had a couple of very entertaining talks. Anyway, one night I called him on the offchance of catching up for a beer. Now, I didn't have any intentions as I was under the impression he had a girlfriend. Somewhere into the conversation, I found out that he'd actually been single for some time. Anyway, a 6 hour marathon conversation about life, the universe and everything ended with him jumping me, and we had extraordinary, passionate sex. Now, I'm a very open woman who is able to separate sex from love, and I'm well used to having guys as sexual partners only.! With this in mind, I got in touch with him a few days later and suggested that we meet up again for another session of talking, having a few beers and some great sex. I couched this suggestion in honesty, which was that my suggestion was probably a bit too fast and forward, but that life was too short to send mixed messages (and I know how guys get frustrated at womens' roundabout way of saying things). He got back to me saying that fast and forward was just fine with him, and that he'd love to take me up on my suggestion....but that he was going out on a date!! I actually laughed at this response in a positive way, because it was so honest - I guess in reaction to what I'd been saying. Anyway, shortly after that I went on vacation, but before I did, sent him a message thanking him "for what I deservë" - yes, a mixed message, but for me, meaning that I was pleased someone was being honest with me. When I got back from vacation a couple of weeks later, I got in contact wit! h him, again suggesting very casually, but very directly, that we meet up for a few drinks and sex. He got back to me and agreed that that was a great idea - and asked me when I was around. And this is where it gets wierd. Over 2 weeks, I sent him a couple of emails letting him know when I was around for that week (which was only on specific evenings). No response.
Confused by this, I decided to write this guy off as he obviously wasn't interested. And then out of the blue, he contacted me at 4am in the morning, and invited me round to his place for sex. As I've said before, I'm very open and relaxed about that kind of thing, so I went along with it. He knew full well that he was making a booty call and said as much, thanking me for going along with it.During the er,proceedings, however, I realised that I actually wanted more than just a F*** buddy relationship out of this guy, so the next morning, I suggested that the next time we meet be for something a bit more civilised - like dinner. He seemed open to this and said he'd be in touch. But at home that night, I got horny and sent him a message letting him know, and that he should do something about it. No response. A couple of days later, again, got horny and let him know, also asking if I was allowed to make a booty call on him (the implication being that it was okay for him! to do it, so why couldn't I?). Again, no response. Now, I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" and I know what the warning signs are in this kind of situation. My question is - there seems to be a double standard here where men can booty call and not follow up on a promise, but when a woman does it is she ""pushing too hard?". And given the background to this situation, is that dinner date going to come about now that Í've booty called him twice?
I understand how the messages I'm sending could be confusing - one minute sexual, the other asking for a proper date - but really I just wanna know if I should even bother. What do you think?
CHUCK: Oh. My. God. I have a headache. All the back and forth here has left my brain spinning. Let me get this straight: You two can't even sustain a booty call relationship, but you expect to start DATING this guy? I'm not gonna say it'll never happen, but the likelihood? Just not there.
I'm reluctant to give that Greg Behrendt guy any more recognition than he's already gotten (did you seen the crappy TV show this guy made?), but this guy isn't that into you. And he hasn't even made a half-hearted effort to show you he is. He has only shown interest in you as a f*ckbuddy, and not consistent interest at that.
Do some men have a double standard about who gets to make the sexual advances, and when? Absolutely. Some guys feel that it's the job of the Man to make the booty call. Others, let's face it, will feel a pressure to perform. Guys talk about being sexually ready at a moments' notice, but sometimes that's not the case. But just as likely, he could have been entertaining another female at the time, and understanding the admittedly trivial nature of your relationship, blew your call off.
Your friend has, I think, already categorized you, and I don't think it is as girlfriend material. He may ask you to make a movie before he asks you out to one. Sorry. At least he's been honest with you, though. The mixed messages between you have confused me, so I can imagine how the two of you must feel. You two need to go your separate ways right now. Maybe somewhere down the line you will be more aligned in terms of what you're looking for in a partner.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question! We appreciate everyone that takes the time to ask our opinions on things.
Okay, let me get my ducks in a row. You go to a guy's house to hang out and catch up, yet you say you didn't know him and he worked in a different office...
Then you call him to go out and have a beer, yet you say you thought he had a girlfriend...
Then six hours later, uh six hours and ONE MINUTE later, the boots are knockin'...
Then you say you are a woman who "is able to separate sex from love.."
Then you try to get the hook up again, but old boy brushes you off for more booty because he has a date. He strings you along for two weeks - knowing the sex is his for the taking and then at 4AM (!!!) He calls you for sex, you get out of your warm and cozy bed and drive to his place to give him the good stuff and then your nose gets opened up and you now want to be The Girlfriend.
I think I got all of that right.
As you read what I'm about to say, keep in mind that I am always frank and brutally honest when my female friends and family ask me about men.
Please either leave this dude alone or accept the role of Jenny B. Readybooty. Right now, you are Jenny B. Readybooty! This guy is doing nothing more than what you claimed to be able to do yourself. He's keepin' it Strickly Dickly. But anyway - he just wants you when HE wants YOU, nothing less and certainly nothing MORE. By telling you that he had a date and didn't have time to get busy with you, he laid the rules out in your face. YOU chose to ignore them! Sadly, I think you THINK you can keep sex and love separated but at least with this dude you can't. I'm not knocking you because being human is being human! But, don't lie to yourself about that! If you are honest about that, the next time you need a hookup, just do it and walk away - no numbers exchanged, no e-Mail addresses, just do what you have to do and walk away.
You can't change the rules in the 8th inning. If homeboy kept you dangling on the hook, which is what he did - FOR WEEKS, you can't suddenly say, look I want dinner and dancing, I want movies and concerts, I want to meet your mom... you can't do that switch around. ONE - it's not realistic and TWO - it's NEVER gonna be what you want it to be. Leave dude alone. All he is good for is using YOU to get his sheets wet, and he doesn't even seem to want to do that much. He's not worth the time and energy, Sis.
And one more thing! GIRL, if I EVER hear about you getting out of YOUR bed at 4AM to go to some dudes house to give him sex, I'm gonna'...!!!! Look - the rules are bootycalls up to 2AM, after 2:01 AM folks are interfering with the next work day!!! Don't you EVER get out of your bed and go to some dude that calls you for sex. Shit, Honey - YOU HAVE THE MAIN EVENT!!! Make them come to your crib!!!
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