Saturday

It Is What It Is

QUESTION: Hi C & G,
Okay, here's one for you. A few weeks ago I met a guy at his house to hang out and catch up. Now, I didn't know this guy very well - he'd worked in the same company as me (although in a different office), and we knew of each other, but hadn't really ever socialised before. When he left the company, we kept in touch via email, and saw each other at mutual friend's gigs once in a while - and had a couple of very entertaining talks. Anyway, one night I called him on the offchance of catching up for a beer. Now, I didn't have any intentions as I was under the impression he had a girlfriend. Somewhere into the conversation, I found out that he'd actually been single for some time. Anyway, a 6 hour marathon conversation about life, the universe and everything ended with him jumping me, and we had extraordinary, passionate sex. Now, I'm a very open woman who is able to separate sex from love, and I'm well used to having guys as sexual partners only.! With this in mind, I got in touch with him a few days later and suggested that we meet up again for another session of talking, having a few beers and some great sex. I couched this suggestion in honesty, which was that my suggestion was probably a bit too fast and forward, but that life was too short to send mixed messages (and I know how guys get frustrated at womens' roundabout way of saying things). He got back to me saying that fast and forward was just fine with him, and that he'd love to take me up on my suggestion....but that he was going out on a date!! I actually laughed at this response in a positive way, because it was so honest - I guess in reaction to what I'd been saying. Anyway, shortly after that I went on vacation, but before I did, sent him a message thanking him "for what I deservë" - yes, a mixed message, but for me, meaning that I was pleased someone was being honest with me. When I got back from vacation a couple of weeks later, I got in contact wit! h him, again suggesting very casually, but very directly, that we meet up for a few drinks and sex. He got back to me and agreed that that was a great idea - and asked me when I was around. And this is where it gets wierd. Over 2 weeks, I sent him a couple of emails letting him know when I was around for that week (which was only on specific evenings). No response.
Confused by this, I decided to write this guy off as he obviously wasn't interested. And then out of the blue, he contacted me at 4am in the morning, and invited me round to his place for sex. As I've said before, I'm very open and relaxed about that kind of thing, so I went along with it. He knew full well that he was making a booty call and said as much, thanking me for going along with it.During the er,proceedings, however, I realised that I actually wanted more than just a F*** buddy relationship out of this guy, so the next morning, I suggested that the next time we meet be for something a bit more civilised - like dinner. He seemed open to this and said he'd be in touch. But at home that night, I got horny and sent him a message letting him know, and that he should do something about it. No response. A couple of days later, again, got horny and let him know, also asking if I was allowed to make a booty call on him (the implication being that it was okay for him! to do it, so why couldn't I?). Again, no response. Now, I've read "He's Just Not That Into You" and I know what the warning signs are in this kind of situation. My question is - there seems to be a double standard here where men can booty call and not follow up on a promise, but when a woman does it is she ""pushing too hard?". And given the background to this situation, is that dinner date going to come about now that Í've booty called him twice?
I understand how the messages I'm sending could be confusing - one minute sexual, the other asking for a proper date - but really I just wanna know if I should even bother. What do you think?


CHUCK: Oh. My. God. I have a headache. All the back and forth here has left my brain spinning. Let me get this straight: You two can't even sustain a booty call relationship, but you expect to start DATING this guy? I'm not gonna say it'll never happen, but the likelihood? Just not there.

I'm reluctant to give that Greg Behrendt guy any more recognition than he's already gotten (did you seen the crappy TV show this guy made?), but this guy isn't that into you. And he hasn't even made a half-hearted effort to show you he is. He has only shown interest in you as a f*ckbuddy, and not consistent interest at that.

Do some men have a double standard about who gets to make the sexual advances, and when? Absolutely. Some guys feel that it's the job of the Man to make the booty call. Others, let's face it, will feel a pressure to perform. Guys talk about being sexually ready at a moments' notice, but sometimes that's not the case. But just as likely, he could have been entertaining another female at the time, and understanding the admittedly trivial nature of your relationship, blew your call off.

Your friend has, I think, already categorized you, and I don't think it is as girlfriend material. He may ask you to make a movie before he asks you out to one. Sorry. At least he's been honest with you, though. The mixed messages between you have confused me, so I can imagine how the two of you must feel. You two need to go your separate ways right now. Maybe somewhere down the line you will be more aligned in terms of what you're looking for in a partner.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! We appreciate everyone that takes the time to ask our opinions on things.

Okay, let me get my ducks in a row. You go to a guy's house to hang out and catch up, yet you say you didn't know him and he worked in a different office...

Then you call him to go out and have a beer, yet you say you thought he had a girlfriend...

Then six hours later, uh six hours and ONE MINUTE later, the boots are knockin'...

Then you say you are a woman who "is able to separate sex from love.."

Then you try to get the hook up again, but old boy brushes you off for more booty because he has a date. He strings you along for two weeks - knowing the sex is his for the taking and then at 4AM (!!!) He calls you for sex, you get out of your warm and cozy bed and drive to his place to give him the good stuff and then your nose gets opened up and you now want to be The Girlfriend.

I think I got all of that right.

As you read what I'm about to say, keep in mind that I am always frank and brutally honest when my female friends and family ask me about men.

Please either leave this dude alone or accept the role of Jenny B. Readybooty. Right now, you are Jenny B. Readybooty! This guy is doing nothing more than what you claimed to be able to do yourself. He's keepin' it Strickly Dickly. But anyway - he just wants you when HE wants YOU, nothing less and certainly nothing MORE. By telling you that he had a date and didn't have time to get busy with you, he laid the rules out in your face. YOU chose to ignore them! Sadly, I think you THINK you can keep sex and love separated but at least with this dude you can't. I'm not knocking you because being human is being human! But, don't lie to yourself about that! If you are honest about that, the next time you need a hookup, just do it and walk away - no numbers exchanged, no e-Mail addresses, just do what you have to do and walk away.

You can't change the rules in the 8th inning. If homeboy kept you dangling on the hook, which is what he did - FOR WEEKS, you can't suddenly say, look I want dinner and dancing, I want movies and concerts, I want to meet your mom... you can't do that switch around. ONE - it's not realistic and TWO - it's NEVER gonna be what you want it to be. Leave dude alone. All he is good for is using YOU to get his sheets wet, and he doesn't even seem to want to do that much. He's not worth the time and energy, Sis.

And one more thing! GIRL, if I EVER hear about you getting out of YOUR bed at 4AM to go to some dudes house to give him sex, I'm gonna'...!!!! Look - the rules are bootycalls up to 2AM, after 2:01 AM folks are interfering with the next work day!!! Don't you EVER get out of your bed and go to some dude that calls you for sex. Shit, Honey - YOU HAVE THE MAIN EVENT!!! Make them come to your crib!!!

7 comments:

Sugar said...

Great response guys! My sister, you kept reiterating that you can separate sex from emotions and this is an argument that will be made until the end of time...whether we women can actually pull this off. As a hot-blooded black woman, I'm going to cast my vote as a strong and resounding, NO!! You kept saying you could, but you proved you couldn't after dude knocked you down the second time, you were hooked and wanted to "go together"(lol).

Just charge it to the game and take C&G's advice. Another one bites the dust.

SimplEnigma said...

LOL @ "Oh. My. God."

I totally agree with the advice though. I think that most single men would love the opportunity of "no strings attached sex" and if he's not even following through on that, then ix-nay on the relationship. You already can see what that future is gonna be like.

@Sugar, I've had a sexual relationship where it was just purely physical and there was no messy "I'm startin' to catch feelings for you" so I do think it's possible. You just have to know yourself and know the kind of person you are.

Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...

Hey SUGAR & SIMPLENIGMA-

I really think that for this young Sista', she needs to be TRULY honest with herself. I think she's kidding herself and thinking she's stronger and tougher than she really is. That's not a bad thing, though. It's PERFECTLY reasonable that someone has problems keeping their deep emotions from creeping into such an intimate [and intense] experience as sex.

Basically, if she can't do it - she needs to set some new rules about her intimacy or she needs to spend sometime with herself and REALLY REALLY look at what she wants from a man [or men]. But it all starts and ends with self honesty.

Garland

Kris said...

I have tried to have hot-and-heavies but I always end up being their gf. It sucks. It's like guys aren't used to a woman just wanting to "do it" so they decide that they must conquer them.

And my dear Garland -- I love you and your last comment...in the bold print. I think I am going to make my new nickname Main Event.

Smooches!

Oh and Hiya @ Sugar :)

Chuck and Garland (What Are Men Thinking?) said...

Hey Kris

"Main Event" was the first thing to come to mind. I think if more women opened their eyes to the power they were born with, you'd find a lot less guys doggin' them and getting away with it.

Whenever I see guys mistreating their women or I hear about a woman that is just settling for far less than she deserves in a relationship with a man, I just shake my head and wish she fully understood the power she has. And, I don't mean having sex, per se, it's just kinda' bigger than that.

But in this woman's case, if she wants do like she's doing - then SHE needs to adopt the Main Event attitude! : )

Thanks for the comment!
-Garland

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