QUESTION: Now here is the real deal Hollyfield on EX.... and yes I amembarrassed to be dealing with this.
EX is broke. Not kinda broke. Not something like a broke. Negro is BROKE. He hasn't had a job since I met him. And I dealt with that. Heis not a citizen and he lost his green card so I can understand that.BUT IT HAS BEEN A YEAR. We go out EVERY WEEKEND...a hundred here...twohundred there...five hundred here and there. And it is all coming outof my bank account. *No I don't make that much* He is always depressedabout not having money and I always try to be supportive by spendingmine... foolishness.
I got a cell phone in my name for him...he ran the bill up 500.00 amonth to where I owed freaking Verizon 2000.00. Didn't pay bill one,but always talking. He would have these get quick rich schemes where Iwould put up money and then they would fail. I have given him money totake care of his folks and all that. Did I mention he lives with hisparents? I am having a fit.... Anyway, why his parents don't let himborrow money I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE...yes the cussing is coming out.
Every time I bring up money it becomes my fault. He hates that he everborrowed it BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hell I hate it too.
Granted on all accounts, EX used to make big dough. He used to do"dirt" for a long time and now is too damn old and didn't saveanything. I truly believe that he can do better...I just don'tunderstand why he won't.
He goes on these freaking "trips" where he drives around to differentjobsites around the country with his friend. He says it's to makemoney SO WHY IS HE ALWAYS BROKE? He spends more money with take outand hotels than he makes. He can be broke at home. Then he asks me formoney.....
I AM LIKE NEGRO YOU JUST CAME OFF A TRIP WHERE IS YOURMONEY? But do I say that? No. Why? Because I don't want to be abitch...but damn this shit is getting old. *Sorry more cursing tocome*. I am tired of being a standup woman. I am tired of meeting nice guysand not being able to give them my full attention because I am stuckon stupid.
Case in point. A friend of his has him getting hooked up for a job. SOWHY IS HE ON THE ROAD TO TAMPA? He needs to stay his ass home and sitby the phone. I don't understand what the hell he is thinking. If hethinks I am going to pay for his fucking green card replacement he cankiss my black ass....
Relax Relax Relax. Yes I know you miss your kids. Yes I know that both of your parentsare dying. But is that reason to give up, or to get it together? I gowith GET IT TOGETHER! I am 24 he is 39...what kind of man is coolwith being in a situation where I am basically taking care of him? Iam sure that I will speak to him later and smooth things over. I amsure that I will regret putting all of his business on here. But rightnow I don't and right now I need this.
Whew!
GARLAND: This is both one of the easiest and one of the hardest questions I've seen in a long time doing this blog with my man, Chuck.
This is the easy part:
What kind of man is cool with being in a situation where you [his woman] are taking care of him? A bum.
Your "boy" [because I refuse to call the piece of crap you described a 'man'] is a bum. He is a worthless, lazy, lying, good for nothing, drug dealing bum. That's it. Nothing more, nothing fancy, nothing earth shattering... your boy is a bum. But let's be 100% up front here. You knew he wasn't about shit when you met him. Come on... don't pretend... you knew from the second you gave him the digits that he was a loser!
This is the hard part:
You might get mad at me for the harshness in what I'm about to say. But I tell folks on this blog that I speak in my writing the same way I'd speak to my very own sister. So here goes.
You knew this guy was a piece of crap when you met him. You even say he used to make "big bucks doing dirt". So you knew he was a drug dealer. Why would you even mess with a drug dealer?
Lets keep it real here. For you to give a man all your damn money and your time and let him lie to you in your face is absolutely insane! And please don't call yourself a standup woman. You were a fool, straight up, and you know it - [Thats what is pissin me off! YOU KNEW IT! You and so many other women sometimes KNOW you are being your own worst enemy! Yet, for some reason, you continue to allow yourself to be abused.]. You played yourself over some bum that ain't worth the change in the cushions on your sofa! You let him constantly lie to you and mooch your cash, YOUR finances, YOUR future, YOUR capital... and I'm gonna tell you what else... you let him mooch your welfare. No, not Government 'welfare' - I'm talking about your pesonal mental and health 'welfare.' If you are riding around and partying and clubbin' and hangin' out with a low down, lying, triflin', drug dealer then you are running the risk of being arrested, or even murdered by being in his company. And, please don't think I'm exaggerating, because I'm not.
And just incase you are telling your computer screen, "He's not a drug dealer anymore!" WAKE UP, your boy is NOT going around looking for jobs and visiting job sites. He is what law enforcement calls, 'pushing weight.' He is moving and/or escorting large drug transactions. Don't lie to yourself - you know what time it is. Your boy probably has a fat stash of cash tucked away in mom and dads crib and YOU are helping to keep it fat by supporting his criminal ass!
I'm asking you here to stop lying to yourself. How can you honestly think this boy is any good for you? YOU are playing yourself worse than he is playing you. That's just the truth here. I mean, what kind of man can TRULY make a woman feel guilty for giving him money and then expecting him to appreciate it. A bum can. A bum with a woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her like shit. Let me say that part again... A woman that has no self esteem and is willing to HELP a man to treat her... treat her... treat her like shit.
YOU are helping him to screw you over.
YOU are enabling a worthless bum to play you for a fool.
YOU are throwing thousands of dollars into a flaming bottomless pit.
YOU are declaring yourself worthless and undeserving of decency.
YOU have deemed a bum, more important than yourself.
And please don't say, "I love him." Because I refuse to allow people to use their misconception of what "love" is as an excuse to allow others to crap on them.
So there we have it. You have a guy that you give most of your money to. He hits you with the guilt trip when you discuss giving your money to him. He's a drug dealer who cries poor-mouth and you foolishly buy into it. He travels but has 'no job.' You fund his weekends AND his get rich schemes. You've given him +$2000 in cellphone use. And last but not least, his parents are smart enough to not give him money, THE PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT HIS ASS INTO THE WORLD ARE SMART ENOUGH NOT TO GIVE HIM MONEY, but for some reason YOU think that YOU are so worthless that you can't find a better way to spend your hard earned money on yourself. I bet you'd have a fat "ING Direct" account right now if you had been honest with yourself when you first met him and took all the money you'd foolishly invested in his sinking ship of an ass, and opened an account. Lord, it would probably be five figures right this very second, and I'd be thinking that you were a saavy and 'holdin' it down' kinda' Sista. But instead, I'm wondering when you and your drug dealer boyfriend are gonna' get caught in the line of fire.
And, you are talking about smoothing things over. What freakin' planet are you from? What is there to smooth over with a bum that has taken thousands of dollars in cash from you, has lied to you, used you and is putting your life in danger by just having your number in his cellphone? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, go look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I deserve to be treated like shit?" Do it, and then answer truthfully. If the answer is no, then burn ALL bridges with your boy. If the answer is yes, then go call him and smooth things over. But please remember that I'm telling you now, right here, right now, that all the grief and all of the foolishness that comes into your life from your boy, from this moment on... you bring on yourself. Please remember that. You can stop this madness right here. Lose this guy, please. I don't know who you are, but it saddens me knowing that you are going to ruin [and possibly lose] your life over a boy that is telling you in bold faced letters that you aren't worth a damn, your trust isn't worth a damn, your character isn't worth a damn, and your very soul isn't worth a damn.
I hope your E-Mail to us was a deep down cry for someone to slap your face and tell you to stop bullshittin' yourself and get your shit together. Because THAT is what I hope I did!
CHUCK: Wow. What can I say? Ditto?
13 comments:
I wanted to comment on definition of a Bum. Amen brothers for your candid expresions. The writer asked what kind of a man would let a woman take care of him? One that knows he has a fool for a girlfriend. You are 24 years old, question number 1 why not deal with someone your own age? Question number 2 where are your parents and why aren't they taking care of you? You should not be dealing with a 39 year old. Garland is right you are need to love yourself and a stand up woman puts high value on herself, what your describing is much more a doormat little girl. A woman, values herself more than anything, especially a man, and she is not afraid to walk away when things don't work out for her. As I tell any man who is stupid enough to think I might give him money. If I'm going to pay for it, it will be worth it. You are buying a relationship and you are not getting your money's worth. I never invest in others only myself. I would like you to add up all the cash you've invested in this man over the course of the relationship. You could own a home, have a new car and a couple of Betsey Johnson's in your closet. I really don't like women like you who victimize dating. You know how you should be treated but use your own fear of failure as an excuse not to date a viable partner. You're no different than those helpless girls who always date married men, or the ones who liked to be abused, how about taking some of that cash and paying for a therapist, in about six months you'll be happy you did.
Umm..ok. I must admit I am much more annoyed by this comment than the response that Garland gave. Not annoyed in the way that you would hope leads to self-analysis but in the way that... makes me wish I hadn't even written in the first place.
But I am always one to answer questions that are posed to me so...umm kay.
(1) Why don't I deal with someone my own age? -- I have dated guys my own age before, this one just isn't.
(2)Where are my parents and why aren't they taking care of me? -- What? My parents are in their house and I make 50K a year I don't need them taking care of me.
As far as the new car -- It's a 2005 but was new when I bought it. As far as the new house -- My parents just gave me a 3/2 house. I move in May.
And as far as my shoe game -- You have absolutely no clue.
As far as you not liking women like me... kudos to you. I swear women feel so great talking down to other women so that they feel better. Talking down to me doesn't make you a better woman. And the difference between you and I, is yes I can leave this man alone and not be a victim anymore, but regardless of who you date you will always be a bitch.
Hello 'Author',
I didn't really expect you to be jumping for joy over my reply. I stared at your question for a long time before I started typing, and when I was done I still had to refine it about 5 times.
Despite my comments, it wasn't my goal to beat you up. But I couldn't just say, "Girl, he's an asshole, just leave him." You sounded you've put a lot into this sinking ship, and I told you the same thing - the same way I would have said it to my sister or any of my close female friends. I wanted it to sting... not bruise.
Chuck kinda' bailed on me with his answer and left me out there as the only voice from a two-man show. But he may have been blunter than I was
You are always welcome to leave us comments or questions, our goal is to help people with what we call, "Non-Girlfriend" and "Non-Mama" truth. We're not here to hug and tell ladies what they may WANT to hear, we hope to tell folks what they NEED to hear.
I know my answer was rough and I know it took a lot for you to put your business out there like that, but I hope you take what I said to heart. I also hope that my answer will help other women that are dedicating themselves to men that are totally undeserving, in looking at their own situation.
-Garland
I wasn't upset by your answer. I really appreciated yours...it was this comment but I.A. that I was sounding off against.
Asking where my parents are and why they aren't taking care of me is very patronizing and has nothing to do with anything. I am a reader of your blog and you have commented on quite often so I knew what I was going get. I don't have you on my blogroll for nothing :)
Smooches!
I just came across this blog and what an great idea it is to have two men give us ladies some hardcore advice.
Garland's reply at first had my mouth hanging open, but after a few minutes his frustration sort of set in and I think it was the right advice.
I'm going to stick around for awhile and see if Chuck and Garland know what they're talking about.
Nice job so far guys!
Jen-
I am glad Garland said like it is! Hopefully this 'slap' will be enough for the author to get the point that this bun aint shit and will never be shit!
As for her response... it sounds like she is very delusional when it comes to relationships. In fact, it sounds like she is comfortable with the abuse the bun is dishing out and yes it is mental and even possibly phsyical abuse.
Garland is absolutely correct that this kind of relationship is likely to ruin her life if she keeps up with the dude.
Sista do yourself a favor and learn to truely LOVE YOU (not buy you or anyoneelse).
As for your compliment, thank you so much for calling me a Bitch. You should try to be one yourself, you'll find that you are so much happier because men respect bitches. I didn't mean to upset you, when asking about your parents. I meant they should be taking care of you emotionally, making sure that you are dating the right kind of man for you. Sista, I don't want to put you or any other woman down. That's the problem it bothers me to see a young woman being used by a man 15 years older and obviously wiser. Take my advice spend your money on yourself, be more of a bitch and get angry with the right people -- men that are using you. And by the way Betsey Johnson is a clothing designer although she dabbles in shoes from time to time she is well known for her awesome dresses.
I just want to add YOU ARE A DAMN FOOL!!!
This boyman is 39 years old and robbing the cradle with you and STEALING your money. If he can rob you of your youth then what do you expect with your money???????
P.S.
Ask yourself, "HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE MIDDLE OF A SUCKKA?"
Because a "suckka" is what you are being for this BOYMAN!!!!!!!!
Dag! Chuck gave a healthy portion of advice. I hope the author doesn't continue to feel slighted by these comments. Sometimes tough love is the only way, but judgement is never a good idea......we've all played the fool at some time or another. Some of us more often than others, but everybody has a story to tell. Anybody who sits up here and says they've never been played for a fool has lived too cautiously. That's the only way to truly find what you are looking for in this life...by giving some things a shot.
Now, after you start getting raked over the coals by this "shot", over and over, it's time to hit the highway. I hope the "author" will think about this. Be strong sista!
*sigh* @ Sugar... so you found it huh? Blah.
C&G, I agree with the advice you gave, because in this case the situation was pretty much clear cut. What about the times when the definition of a bum is not so plain? What distinguishes a "bum" from a dude who's down on his luck for an extended period of time, or are they one and the same?
This dating scenario convinces me that some people think being involved means abuse, turmoil and drama.
also the fact that the Author is more upset by some stranger's commentary than by her wack relationship mothering someone else's child
explains why she has to write in to two men for insight, clarity and a dollop of wisdom.
Finally, I have to say I hope Author doesn't breed with her bum.
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