I just wanted to let you know that I just visited your website and I loved it! I hope someone discovers you guys because your advice is just so straight forward and honest.
QUESTION: Okay, here I go. Recently, I have tried a couple of the online dating sites with not much success. I posted my cutest picture, talked about my travels, my likes and my desire to find a man with a good sense of humor.
I spoke to a couple of guys who would e-mail me a couple of times or send me those annoying winks. Sometimes, they would give me their personal e-mail address, but when I would e-mail, they would not respond back. I mean, they gave me their address, not the other way around.
Anyway, I finally spoke to one man and we really seemed to connect. He wanted to go out with me one Friday, but when I did not hear from him, I decided called him that Thursday evening. He apologized profusely, stating that he was in the process of relocating to Baltimore and had to leave town again unexpectedly. He claims he had every intention of calling me to reschedule for the following Friday. I was annoyed but against my better judgement, I decided to give him a second chance. Well of course, he did not call me back. I was really hurt.
My self esteem has been in the toilet every since I started this online nonsense, to the point that I have made an appointment to have a nose job. I figured, I must not look as pretty or as glamorous as the other ladies on the sites. I have always had a problem with my face and I feel like the number of men who pass on my profile only validates my suspicions (you can see how many people check you out). I am 41 and single. Should I just accept the cards I have been dealt and get over it? Sorry to dump on you, but you are cheaper than a therapist and your advice seems to be so on point.
Baffled in Baltimore
GARLAND: Thanks for your question, we really appreciate it!
HOLD ON with the rhinoplasty! Just SLOOOOOW down for a minute! That is a major major move you are about to undertake! From a man's point of view, I'm sure that 95% of your dating woes have nothing to do with your nose, or any other part of your body!
Let me jump right into the deep end of the pool - online dating will probably usher in the end of mankind as we know it. Okay - THERE, I said it!
About 9 years ago when I got my first computer, I jumped right into the AOL and Black Planet chat rooms. I jumped in and stayed in until I discovered there were a lot of crazy people in there with me. Don't get me wrong, I chatted with some cool and down to Earth people, but honestly, I ran across more nuts than diamonds. I believe that dating today is harder than it has ever been with technological advances shrinking the world and expanding interaction among people from state to state and even country to country.
WIth this expanded inteaction, you unfortunately have people believing that true love can be found online tucked snugly into the megabytes of datastreams circling the globe. But sadly - online, people can become their truly worst, they can hide behind slick names and amazing webpage designs, they can hide behind one dimensional E-Mails and text messages offering shallow lies and even emptier truths...
- "Yeah, uh, my uh, mom came by unexpectedly last night."
- "Of course I'm 6' 3" and look like Shamar Moore."
- "My Lexus is in the shop, so I'll be in my buddy's LeBaron when I come get you."
When you seek something like a quality date or the start of a quality relationship on an avenue like our wonderful Internet, you open yourself up to all sorts of unworthy individuals. It is hard enough to walk up to someone face to face and say, "Hi, how are you?" and get an equally pleasant, "I'm good. How about you?" Allowing someone to say whatever they want to you from behind a glowing screen and a keyboard, opens you up to potentially more harm than good. So, as far as online dating goes - take everything with a grain of salt
As far as the nose job goes... I've got two words for you: "Lil' Kim"Okay, now that I've shown you just a glimpse at how jacked-up a bad nose job could leave you, let me share my Man Thoughts with you. DON'T DO IT! You say you're 41 and if you've gone 41 years without one of your friends or family members saying that you looked like "Witchy Poo" from H.R. Puff-N-Stuff, chances are you're fine!!! Leave it alone! Changing your nose will be the thing to do now, next year it will be a quest to get your 21 year-old breasts back, the year after that, a tummy-tuck for those 19 year-old abs. That's obviously NOT to say anything is wrong with any part of you, I just want you to understand that you should not make unneeded physical changes to who YOU are simply because some vague bums gave you the cold shoulder. I wish I had better answer for what you are looking for. But I can tell you this, don't give unworthy people title and domain over your self-worth and self-esteem. The woman in the mirror deserves far more than that!!!
CHUCK: There are a few areas where blatant lying is not only accepted, but condoned. Politics, show business, car sales, and online dating. People lie about their descriptions, professions, contact information, and intentions on a regular basis. The odds of finding a suitable mate online, based on the reports that I've heard, are pretty bleak. You'd be better off getting tax tips from Wesley Snipes.
Some of these online trolls will make assumptions about your self-esteem and desperation, and try to take advantage of you. The fact that you haven't yet made contact with one of these bums is something to celebrate, not be upset about. Given the tone of your question, starting a relationship with a lying, predatory creep would probably deal you a hit your self-esteem couldn't take.
So are you better off for never really hitting it off with one of these online chumps? Absolutely. But you obviously can't see to feel that way right now. However, I would cousel you to reconsider having any cosmetic surgery done. Because, frankly, I doubt that it will make you feel better in the long term. You may feel good about it for a while, but unless it produces the results that you want (i.e., dozens of male suitors), you may feel the need to go back and "fix" something else. And so on, until your face is an immobile mask, like some I've seen. Go to http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/ for a laugh... or a scare.
I wouldn't necessarily say that a therapist is a better usage for your money, but I would say stay away from the online dating sites for the foreseeable future. Sometimes we put ourselves in situations designed to destroy our self-esteem, and then wonder why our self-esteem is so low. So push away from the keyboard, and commit yourself to finding an analog relationship. They are still out there.