The Intimidation Factor?

(Here at WHATAREMENTHINKING.blogspot.com we don't like to edit the questions people send us. That's why we stuck that little disclaimer on the right side of our blog. But with this question, we were given some very specific and personal information that we thought our Questioner might not want us sharing so we took it upon ourselves to scrub a few things out. )

QUESTION: I stumbled upon your website, and I have to say, it’s very good to get a guy’s perspective on things. Especially good, clean, normal men with values. I will be putting you on my blog roll for sure!

I am very nice looking, in shape, 35 yrs young, single mother of a 10 year old boy, financially stable, have kept my job for 10 years. I’m educated, sassy and outgoing—all the things I think I need to attract a guy, but I can’t keep them interested for more than a hot minute. I am not having sex with them. I am not slutty. I have been told that I am a bit intimidating or ‘snobbish’, though I don’t think I am. I am a little picky. I also seem to go for the type of guy that would not usually consider me their ‘type’. (I am black, grew up in England, 6ft tall) I am pretty exotic in a way, definitely not your typical black woman. My last ‘crush’ was a short, white, slightly balding Jewish New York transplant. He is sexy as hell. I like the heck out of him, but I find that I cannot gain his interest outside of the way you would look at a beautiful painting: he thinks I’m great, but probably can’t ‘get’ me, or perhaps thinks that I would not find him interesting.

Through reading your blog and another E-book called Catch Him and Keep Him, I am starting to gain some understanding of myself and my interactions with men. I am one of those women with a tendency towards low self esteem, and I let others (men, generally), dictate how I feel about myself. (bad girl!!!! –slapping my hand!). Now that I recognize that, and the danger in it, I am taking positive steps to do away with that mind-set. Yeay!!!

Anyway, I made some of the typical mistakes with this man. I told him very casually that I had a ‘crush’ on him. I did a few little things here and there to ‘show’ him that he doesn’t need to be scared of me, that I won’t reject him. I feel like I ruined it by doing that. He always says things like, “...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering. He knows what it is. Maybe my little hints were enough, and he is just not that into me? I don’t know. I have been told by ex’s that they were scared sh*tless of approaching me when they first met me!

So knowing my situation a little better, how should I try to get this (or other great guys) to see me as datable? I guess the question is not only about him, but more about me. How do I attract a guy? I’m independent. I walk like I know where I’m going. I don’t trifle. I am smart, educated and witty. I feel that I have a lot to offer, and would make a great companion, but I can’t get guys to see that. My last post on my blog asks, “What is the use in running when no one is chasing!!?? What gives???????????????????????????????????????

GARLAND: Thank you for dropping Chuck and I such a good question.

I guess first off, I'm glad that you seem to understand that self-esteem comes from within not from without. If more people, [WOMEN], understood this, then Chuck and I wouldn't even be doing this blog... so, thanks for trying to put our blog out of business!

Second, I just want to put a man's perspective on one of your specific comments. You said that this guy said, "...you’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering" I just want to let you know that being a top executive, being smart, and being successful are hardly reliable as indicators of how confident a man is when it comes to approaching and being with a woman. I have known a fair amount of guys that look great in a suit and can negotiate their way in and out of meetings and boardrooms and are absolutely clueless when it comes to women. One has nothing to do with the other - so, don't fool yourself!!!

With the one guy, you mentioned that you did little things that "showed him he didn't need to be scared of you..." and you also said that some of your "ex's were scared sh*tless to approach you..." based on your question, I'm going to go out on a limb here, so take what I'm about to say as meant to be positive NOT negative!!!

I'm wondering if you gravitate to shorter men who happen to be very timid. Honestly, I have never heard of guy "scared sh*tless" to approach a woman because she was taller than him. Now, obviously, this happens, but I have not encountered it talking with guys I know. Six feet tall, is tall, but not hardly intimidating to an average guy with even a modicum of self confidence. Guys have an unwritten but widely known joke for very tall and very short women... "Everybody is the same height in bed!" For you to encounter men that act like, claim to be, or just plain ARE scared of you on such a wide scale - it hardly seems like a coincidence. Six foot tall women are just NOT that scary... trust me, I know... I'm six feet tall and my wife is taller than me!

As far as meeting a decent guy goes, I'm a firm believer in going where the men are - electronics stores, home improvement stores, and anyplace that sells DVD's and CD's!!! But, I think you need to pay careful attention to the first few minutes of any conversation you have with a new guy. If he looks or sounds nervous, or shuffles his feet like he's uncomfortable, then walk away and find a Man. If a guy can't handle you being six feet tall, or being pretty, or being Black, or being smart, or being all four - then WALK AWAY QUICKLY, you already have one boy in your life, you don't need two! Don't waste another minute of your life trying to prove to a timid little guy that HE is man enough for you. The love and relationship you want is out there, I'm just afraid that you are missing out on it with these scaredy-cats.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I can see that expressing yourself is no problem for you. Don't ever feel ashamed about that. Frequently I see younger women who seem to be selling out their intelligence to appear more appealing to certain guys. I don't get that. I'm glad we've outgrown that kind of thing by our age.

Garland is right on with his statement that most men do not accept height as a factor when pursuing women. "Everyone's the same height in bed," indeed. If anything, men will go out of their way to go after a tall woman. For the same reason men climb mountains, I guess.

Where I think you slipped up with Baldy is, you may have come on too strong for him. It never fails to amaze me: A lot of men and women think of themselves as modern and what-have-you, but still want to hold on to the old gender roles from centuries past. So, only men are allowed to make the first move. You made the first move, and that, more than anything else, intimidated him.

But you get credit from me. The world needs to change to fit you, rather than vice versa. I'm not going to suggest that you shouldn't be up front with men you're attracted to in the future, but just maybe take a little more time to get to know them and see if they're going to be receptive to your advances. Stay strong.

Oddly Positive

Hello Gentlemen, Your honesty is quite refreshing and I'm hoping that you can give me some insight on a "situation".

QUESTION: My friendship with a guy has evolved from classmates to something deeper. During the last year we've been able to visit each other and talk on intimate details - family, goals, past relationships, etc. When we were out with mutual friends a little while back he shared that he loved me and kept repeating it. I took it at face value and thank'd him. Slightly intoxicated, I didn't reciprocate it. Since that day he has sought to learn everything there is to know about me and uses the term best friend. We talk very often, 3-5 times a week, which is quite high in comparison to my other male friends. The conversations are always mutually initiated - I truly consider him to be a kindred spirit and a stand up guy.

My concern or question is whether or not his actions are saying he's interested in being more than friends? At one time he asked if I every thought about "us" and I dodged the question. Why? I didn't want my single, in heat hormones to take all of his good traits and create a potential new man to pursue. I adore his friendship and don't want to loose that - what are your thoughts?

GARLAND: Sounds oddly positive to me.

I think Chuck and I see so many bad scenarios on our blog, that a real positive situation is amazingly refreshing!

Okay, maybe your buddy was a little buzzed when he repeatedly proclaimed his love for you. But this may have very well be a case of a "drunk tongue speaking a sober mind." Meaning while his mental guard was down he spoke the truth.

I like the fact that you BOTH call each other, and not just you - you - you - you calling all the time. The fact that he calls you his Best Friend and seems to want to know more and more about you seems... well... great.

My only advice to you is, go slowly, there's no need to run and trip yourself up. But I think you should talk to him - preferrably face-to-face, alone - NONE of your friends around, and in a pretty relaxed place. Personally, I'm a sucker for a good park-bench chat. Just feel him out; tell him that you've taken note of the things he's been saying and ask him to just let you know what is what. Are you just a great pal to him, or is he looking for a deeper connection to you?

Good luck to you! Please drop us a line and let us know how things work out!

CHUCK: Oddly positive, indeed. Sometimes, we can be so cautious and jaded about relationships that we can't take yes for an answer. Because that appears to be what you've got here. You're right to be a little suspicious about your friend's original (drunken) admission of his affection for you. But I've got a saying for that set of circumstances, just like Garland does: In Vino Veritas. Literally, "In Wine, Comes Truth." So take that, Mel Gibson. He may have been harboring these feelings for years, and needed the booze to get the courage to speak them.

Another reason to feel encouraged is, since that first incident, he hasn't backed off. A lot of guys, especially when faced with the less-than-enthusiastic response that you gave him, would avoid you out of embarassment. But he has been contacting you on a regular basis, continuing to let you know his feelings are genuine.

What's wrong with this picture? I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say, "Not a damn thing." You may find yourself reluctant to start a relationship with a friend, because you mayloseafriendandblahblahblah. SCREW THAT NOISE. Take a chance. I said the same thing with women I knew years ago, taking the so-called high road. But you know what? Most of them, I'm not even friends with anymore, anyway.

I've probably said this before, but I was friends with my wife for two years before we dated. And because we already knew each other, a lot of the time you spend feeling each other out in a relationship was cut down. Give yourselves a chance and think positively. Garland and I are pulling for you.