The Intimidation Factor?

(Here at we don't like to edit the questions people send us. That's why we stuck that little disclaimer on the right side of our blog. But with this question, we were given some very specific and personal information that we thought our Questioner might not want us sharing so we took it upon ourselves to scrub a few things out. )

QUESTION: I stumbled upon your website, and I have to say, it’s very good to get a guy’s perspective on things. Especially good, clean, normal men with values. I will be putting you on my blog roll for sure!

I am very nice looking, in shape, 35 yrs young, single mother of a 10 year old boy, financially stable, have kept my job for 10 years. I’m educated, sassy and outgoing—all the things I think I need to attract a guy, but I can’t keep them interested for more than a hot minute. I am not having sex with them. I am not slutty. I have been told that I am a bit intimidating or ‘snobbish’, though I don’t think I am. I am a little picky. I also seem to go for the type of guy that would not usually consider me their ‘type’. (I am black, grew up in England, 6ft tall) I am pretty exotic in a way, definitely not your typical black woman. My last ‘crush’ was a short, white, slightly balding Jewish New York transplant. He is sexy as hell. I like the heck out of him, but I find that I cannot gain his interest outside of the way you would look at a beautiful painting: he thinks I’m great, but probably can’t ‘get’ me, or perhaps thinks that I would not find him interesting.

Through reading your blog and another E-book called Catch Him and Keep Him, I am starting to gain some understanding of myself and my interactions with men. I am one of those women with a tendency towards low self esteem, and I let others (men, generally), dictate how I feel about myself. (bad girl!!!! –slapping my hand!). Now that I recognize that, and the danger in it, I am taking positive steps to do away with that mind-set. Yeay!!!

Anyway, I made some of the typical mistakes with this man. I told him very casually that I had a ‘crush’ on him. I did a few little things here and there to ‘show’ him that he doesn’t need to be scared of me, that I won’t reject him. I feel like I ruined it by doing that. He always says things like, “’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering. He knows what it is. Maybe my little hints were enough, and he is just not that into me? I don’t know. I have been told by ex’s that they were scared sh*tless of approaching me when they first met me!

So knowing my situation a little better, how should I try to get this (or other great guys) to see me as datable? I guess the question is not only about him, but more about me. How do I attract a guy? I’m independent. I walk like I know where I’m going. I don’t trifle. I am smart, educated and witty. I feel that I have a lot to offer, and would make a great companion, but I can’t get guys to see that. My last post on my blog asks, “What is the use in running when no one is chasing!!?? What gives???????????????????????????????????????

GARLAND: Thank you for dropping Chuck and I such a good question.

I guess first off, I'm glad that you seem to understand that self-esteem comes from within not from without. If more people, [WOMEN], understood this, then Chuck and I wouldn't even be doing this blog... so, thanks for trying to put our blog out of business!

Second, I just want to put a man's perspective on one of your specific comments. You said that this guy said, "’re so tall. I’m scared of you!” in a joking way, but I wonder if there is a grain of truth to it! He is not a scaredy-cat kind of guy, he is a top executive, smart, successful, so he really does not need pampering and mothering" I just want to let you know that being a top executive, being smart, and being successful are hardly reliable as indicators of how confident a man is when it comes to approaching and being with a woman. I have known a fair amount of guys that look great in a suit and can negotiate their way in and out of meetings and boardrooms and are absolutely clueless when it comes to women. One has nothing to do with the other - so, don't fool yourself!!!

With the one guy, you mentioned that you did little things that "showed him he didn't need to be scared of you..." and you also said that some of your "ex's were scared sh*tless to approach you..." based on your question, I'm going to go out on a limb here, so take what I'm about to say as meant to be positive NOT negative!!!

I'm wondering if you gravitate to shorter men who happen to be very timid. Honestly, I have never heard of guy "scared sh*tless" to approach a woman because she was taller than him. Now, obviously, this happens, but I have not encountered it talking with guys I know. Six feet tall, is tall, but not hardly intimidating to an average guy with even a modicum of self confidence. Guys have an unwritten but widely known joke for very tall and very short women... "Everybody is the same height in bed!" For you to encounter men that act like, claim to be, or just plain ARE scared of you on such a wide scale - it hardly seems like a coincidence. Six foot tall women are just NOT that scary... trust me, I know... I'm six feet tall and my wife is taller than me!

As far as meeting a decent guy goes, I'm a firm believer in going where the men are - electronics stores, home improvement stores, and anyplace that sells DVD's and CD's!!! But, I think you need to pay careful attention to the first few minutes of any conversation you have with a new guy. If he looks or sounds nervous, or shuffles his feet like he's uncomfortable, then walk away and find a Man. If a guy can't handle you being six feet tall, or being pretty, or being Black, or being smart, or being all four - then WALK AWAY QUICKLY, you already have one boy in your life, you don't need two! Don't waste another minute of your life trying to prove to a timid little guy that HE is man enough for you. The love and relationship you want is out there, I'm just afraid that you are missing out on it with these scaredy-cats.

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I can see that expressing yourself is no problem for you. Don't ever feel ashamed about that. Frequently I see younger women who seem to be selling out their intelligence to appear more appealing to certain guys. I don't get that. I'm glad we've outgrown that kind of thing by our age.

Garland is right on with his statement that most men do not accept height as a factor when pursuing women. "Everyone's the same height in bed," indeed. If anything, men will go out of their way to go after a tall woman. For the same reason men climb mountains, I guess.

Where I think you slipped up with Baldy is, you may have come on too strong for him. It never fails to amaze me: A lot of men and women think of themselves as modern and what-have-you, but still want to hold on to the old gender roles from centuries past. So, only men are allowed to make the first move. You made the first move, and that, more than anything else, intimidated him.

But you get credit from me. The world needs to change to fit you, rather than vice versa. I'm not going to suggest that you shouldn't be up front with men you're attracted to in the future, but just maybe take a little more time to get to know them and see if they're going to be receptive to your advances. Stay strong.


TJ said...

If a guy can't handle you being six feet tall, or being pretty, or being Black, or being smart, or being all four - then WALK AWAY QUICKLY, you already have one boy in your life, you don't need two!


me said...

It's kinda sad that despite all the social advances made in all areas of life, normal, intelligent wonderful women with so much to give still run rings around themselves as they try to mold and shape themselves to become the "perfect ideal woman a man will fall madly in love with!" Why does it always have to be the woman's fault? "You may have come on too strong", "You are choosing boys not men", "well done for realising you have low self-esteem"! WTF!! For goodness sake! Why try to twist this into more than what it is? Now we need to go and get degrees on "How to snag a man and keep him wanting you forever" too!! This lady sounds great - it may be hard to tell from an email but she sounds witty, humble, nice, caring, not to mention hardworking, successful etc, etc. I am sure she is fine just the way she is and I hope and pray she fulfils all her dreams no matter what they are. It is defintely a mans world for sure. How some short bald jewish nobody can make a nice woman feel like shit is just nonsense. And she is not alone, everyday there are thousands of worthy women who are defined and controlled by the men (or lack of) in their lives, who desperately cling to the belief that "if only I were a little thinner/nicer/more confident/prettier/had a bigger bustline/ whatever - then he will magically appear and adore me for the rest of my days. And what do they get? Men with more self-esteem and emotional problems than the shoe bomber. Women need to wake up, value and accept themselves and bar any man from their lives who refuses to love, honor and accept them - warts and all.

Chuck and Garland said...

Thanks a bunch, TJ

Hello, "ME". I think you're cutting up what Chuck and I said and are trying to spin it like we're telling this woman that she has to change who she is to snag a man. Your exact words are "Why does it always have to be the womans fault?"

I can tell that you haven't read our blog a lot. It is NOT always the woman's fault when things don't work with a man - BUT sometimes it is. Sometimes you HAVE to look at the lowest common denomiator, SOMETIMES the answer is in the mirror, with WOMEN and MEN. With this particular questioner, Chuck and I found it hard to believe that short, scared little men keep flocking at random to this tall beautiful Sister. We are NOT attacking her by suggesting she change up her approach. We have better things to do with our time than put Sisters down.

Chuck and Garland said...

I don't want to pile on here...

Having read her comment a couple of times, I don't think that ME is really taking us to task, Garland. And ME, you're free to correct me if I'm wrong.

I Don't think that any point either Garland or myself stated that this woman should become some meek shrinking violet to attract a man. My assertion was that she may have come on too strong for Mr. Short Baldy. That's on him, not on her.

I further believe that we both encouraged her to continue doing what she was doing, but to select her men more carefully FOR HER SAKE. Nobody needs too much rejection, even from unworthy men.

Thanks for reading and commenting, ME. Still friends? said...

Hi there...

You said:
...everyone is the same height in bed

That is just so SCANDALOUS!!

{shaking my head}

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