Tuesday

Get Out of Orlando


Hey guys,

I hope both of you are well...I haven't written in a while but at this point I am looking for advice and I have no one to give it to me, so I decided to give you two my scenario and ask your advice.

QUESTION: I am 24 and my BF and I have lived together since March. I graduated in December and moved to Orlando to make a relationship easier between us. Prior to us being in the same city, my mate complained a lot it , but itwas due to distance. Now that we live together, I don't think I make him happy. For starters, he just doesn't look happy. I asked what was wrong but he said nothing, but I knew it was something. Last night I tried to initiate sex and he pushed me away, that hurt. I am not very vocal sexually, so I consider it a big thing when I initiate it.

This morning I sent him an email telling him that since he rejected me, that I wouldn't try anymore (which is the attitude he has taken (in the past he says i have rejected him for Oprah, and then once before when we were in a sub-par hotel, i wasn't in the mood because I didn't feel the room was sanitary, may be bad reason, but i wasn't in the mood) and true to his word, he hasn't tried since). He countered by saying that although he loves me he is not happy with the 'crap' i give him in our relationship. He says that I don't have ideas for things to do in our relationship, I just got out of college so my finances are strapped, (hell if we didn't live together, i'd be in real financial trouble) which means I dont have $$ for us to do things, which he says is an excuse, we have sex every 3-4 days, which is also an issue, as well as average communication.
Before him, I felt like I was a great communicator, never had an issue with it before. With him, I find it difficult. He's not always the most approachable person. We have talked about it and he's told me that despite what his outside demeanor is he wants me to talk to him...that piece of advice didn't work bc I still don't always feel comfortable approaching him. He says everything I say is an excuse. I want to know how to make him happy, or even if i should
try.

I feel like w/o all the extras, if you are in a relationship with someone you should be able to enjoy that person. My BF gets bored with the everyday routines of life, and i guess he looks to me to make interesting things happen...but I don't know how to. I never thought I'd be in the situation where I couldn't make my man happy...Honestly I didn't think it would be that difficult.

Whoever said a relationship is work, never lied. I am wondering if I know how to or will ever know how to function in a healthy relationship...honestly I've never seen one. My parents were only together (I feel) because of their children and my grandparents stayed together because it was the 'right' thing to do in their time. I don't know what to do, because at this point, neither of us know how our relationship will work, in its current state, although we want it to. It makes me unhappy that he's unhappy but i don't know what to do to remedy this situation.

Misery&Company

GARLAND: Thanks for taking the time to share your question.

Where do I begin? IN MY OPINION - and please remember that Chuck and I are no EXPERTS, but your man, your BF, is PROBABLY not really in love with you.

Folks throw the word "love" around so much that it hardly means anything now. Some guys like to throw it out because there is this belief that men can't use the word. So when a guy says "I love you" it's NOT always true. Sometimes it's just thrown out there because guys know you all WANT to hear it. I wish I had a penny for everytime THIS YEAR that a guy told a woman "I love you, baby." and didn't mean it. I would be richer than any Saudi prince you name.

Not all guys are lying when this is said, but it happens.

I think your guy probably likes you, but he doesn't love you. Love, TRUE LOVE does not make you walk around angry and fussy. TRUE LOVE doesn't make you tell the person you love that all you do is give me crap and grief - BORING crap and grief at that!

By the way, your "mate" didn't complain before you moved down because of the distance, he complained because he either didn't love you then or because he knew you were that much closer to coming to Orlando.

Your man is bored - he probably likes you, but he just doesn't want to give you the "its me NOT you," speech. LOVE is not supposed to make you feel emotionally beat up. You are clearly Emotionally Beat-Up. I think you're wasting your time with your "BF" as you call him. He's miserable and you sound like it to. LOVE is NOT supposed to be this hard and it is not supposed to be such a draining fight. I can never understand why people [men AND women] will stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay in an unhappy situation like a new sunrise will bring the joy they want, or like the Relationship Fairy will flutter down from the heavens and award them "The Bravest Little Relationship Trooper" pin. Your man ain't happy, YOU ain't happy, it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better... go prepare to find your joy!

Ask him straight up if he wants to call it quits and move on? If he says, "No," then don't mince your words - tell him what a dick he's truly been acting like. You tell him he's got 30 days to do a 180 or you are walking out of his life forever! If he says "Yes, its over." Then rejoice at his honesty, and enjoy the fact that you still have 70 years of life to find and enjoy TRUE LOVE! If he wants to part ways but still be... "friends," walk, jog, run, ski, roller blade, surf, skateboard, hitch-hike, luge, swim, fly, para-sail, bungee jump, jet-rocket, or just plain drive to another city as fast as you can.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Consider him here for a reason: "To teach you what a good relationship is NOT."

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. I don't know if you possess any other obligations, financially or otherwise, that are keeping you in Orlando, but frankly, if this relationship is all there is, you might as well start packing now. Because, unless, a change takes place soon, you two are heading for a break-up. But it may be the best thing that could happen to you.

I wonder how many couples start off in long distance relationships, then make arrangements to close that distance, only to find that maybe the distance was the only thing holding them together. It looks like, now that you are physically together, you couldn't be more apart emotionally and sexually.

All couples who decide to cohabit are going to be facing some adjustments. Getting in sync sexually is going to be one of those adjustments. but communication and an eye for your partner's likes and dislikes (i.e., dirty hotel rooms) should help resolve these issues. Unless your partner, or BF, if you will has no interest in resolving them.

I realize that it's you writing, and, intentionally or not, you may be coming off biased. But it sounds to me as though not only are you doing all of the work in your relationship, your BF EXPECTS you to do all the work. What's that about? Why should it be only your responsibility to "make interesting things happen?" Dammit, he can make something interesting happen himself! What is this guy, a four-year-old that needs to be entertained?

I'm not going to suggest that this man doesn't love you, as Garland does. But I think it's possible he may have some unrealistic assumptions about what an adult relationship in the real world really requires. As a result of which, he's running you down and making himself unhappy, as well. You're just 24. And you haven't made a mistake that can't be corrected. If he is determined to be unhappy and uncommunicative, leave him and this relationship behind. And tell him, if he wants a girlfriend who will keep him entertained, start dating women from the circus.

6 comments:

Clarice said...

Decide what it is that will make you happy first and foremost. Your happiness is the only thing you can control. Your happiness is your responsibility and should be your 1st priority - if you ain't havin' it - then no one around you will. Get clear about what you want in as much detail and specifics as you can so you are:

1) clear in your own mind
2) able to articulate it in practical implementable terms if BF asks.

Get clear about what it will take to make that happen in terms of money, job etc. and what you are and are not willing to do or put up with to make that happen and lastly what you expect from him as part of this happiness plan. Write it down if need be so it is clear in your mind. This sounds long and involved - but the reason for this is that the time it takes to do this and really get clear will give you time to get your finances in order, arrange for a place to stay if it comes down to 'it is over'. This gives you options, and it takes back control of the situation and your for yourself. Right now from what I have read BF is calling all the shots and you are focused on his needs. He expects you to relieve his boredom - excuse me but what is he a toddler. His boredom is not your responsibility! He's at least legally and on paper an adult his amusement or lack of same is his responsibility!

Then as the guys here have wisely advised talk to him and see where he is at and where the "couple" that consists of you and him are. If he says he wants out then you have a plan kick it into action - this prevents him from falling back on the sorry.

Chuck and Garland said...

Clarice has good points here. Get your "just incase" ducks in a row. Because if you have to roll out, you have someplace to go and stay for awhile.

Stick some money aside or whatever you need to do to get out of Dodge.

Clarice hit something I forgot about too... the whole "you have to ease his boredom" Where in the H#ll do this weak baby'fied males come from? I would have NEVER told a woman I was dating some bullcrap like that, I'd be too afraid that she'd be like,"Yeah, this Brother is pretty boring. I guess I'll dump him." That is obviously the last thing he is worried about.

-Garland

TJ said...

Um I am the mother of a toddler and if he comes at me lookin to relieve boredom, I'm going to hand him a book. Won't even go there with a grown ass man. And that's real.

If he is bored now, what's marriage going to be like? I've been married over a decade, and trust, you have to be okay with just hanging out around the house sometimes.

Listen to Clarice. Get your ducks in order. And uh, Garland, if you find a way to get a penny every time a dude says "I love you," can I get in on that action? You know, increasing fuel costs and all. :)

Chuck and Garland said...

CLARICE and TJ,

From me and Chuck I just want to thank you both for being such faithful readers and always being willing to share your thoughts.

I think THAT is really great of you!

-G

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