I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your...

Hey guys, I ran across your site and fell in love with it!. You guys serve it up "real" something most people say they want, but can't handle.

QUESTION: My question is this when a woman is involved in a "friends with benefits" relationship and the man has made it clear he isn't ready for a commitment/relationship, but continues to accept the benefits of relationship (i.e, sex, spending time together, dinners, movies etc.). While being intimate he iniates kissing. I would prefer we leave the kissing out because I feel that creates a special bond. Its all very confusing because we function as a couple without the title?

For me, I must say a woman cannot engage in this activity without getting emotionally tied into it. I would lie and say this type of relationship works for me, but I am emotionally bonded and can't seem to break away. I do date other men which helps build a little distance, but in reality I understand a new relationship can't survive if one party is emotionally unavailable.

What's confusing is the kissing, the dating because we do the typical date stuff and his admission that he isn't ready for a relationship. Does a man ever change his mind or how can a woman read between the mixed messages/lines?

Seeking truth!

GARLAND: Thanks "Seeker" for this question.

The whole "Friend's with benefits" situation is always interesting. It's the only game in town where the first one to 'catch feelings' is the loser. I'm with you when it comes to kissing - it's a VERY intimate thing and when it comes the to FWB rules - it should be a major PENALTY! But that's MY opinion...uh, and yours too I guess.

I think YOU need to set some rules if you're going to play in the FWB arena. And, you are going to get your heart broken if you don't set them and HE doesn't follow them. Yeah, yeah - it sounds so simple... "Hey, no kissing! You can lick that, tickle this and rub on that - but when it comes to these - NO KISSING!" Will he follow in the rules during the heated action? NO. So, that leaves the ball squarely in your court. He wants all the perks and you're left paying the emotional bill.
He wants it all, with no fees. He gets you, your time, your sex and your lips and yet he remains free and clear to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. It is just about the best of both worlds. Sit him down and tell him what is what - either you all are going to stay FWB's with no kissing, or he's going to have to make some real promises to you. If he doesn't want to do either - then start waving your hand in the air frantically, because FWB's are just like cabs... there's always another one just around the corner.

CHUCK: Ah, yes, friends with benefits. When one person tries to deny that they have entered into a relationship with a person who will not be available to them any way but sexually. It all sounds so mature at the beginning. Both of you will enjoy each other's company with no emotional strings attached. And it goes fine for a while. Until some starts catching feelings. Or one partner starts getting more, or better sex on the side than the other. Or one partner likes kissing with his impersonal sex. FWB can work, I think. Just not for very long.
At any rate, I would think that, just because of the potentially raw emotional territory that you and your FWB have ventured into, that you set some rules for yourselves in the beginning. Maybe you didn't. But you should have. Because that is the best way to avoid the kind of confusion you're experiencing. So if kissing holds that great an emotional connection for you, you should have taken that off of the table right off the bat.

So does it mean that your FWB is considering a change in your relationship because he has kissed you? No. Let me repeat that: No. More likely, he got swept up in the heat of the moment, and either forgot, or disregarded your no-kissing policy. To assume that he wants a more substantial relationship, you would need to base it on something more concrete. Like a conversation.

Approach him about this kissing issue again, before you two hook up again. Emphasize again to him that you feel that kissing should be something restricted to a more intimate relationship than the two of you currently have. If he wants that kind of relationship now, he will tell you. If not, he should tell you, too. And then the ball is in your court as to whether you want to go on with him.


Clarice said...

The title of this is great -it also is telling. The guys as usual are right on target. Personally I have no 'extra time' - I can make more money I can't make more time - so I spend/invest my time even more carefully than money. Anyone planning on wasting my time had best be prepared to get their feelings hurt and be shown the door with a quickness. Bring it and we can take it there. To this woman let me be blunt - this 'man' is no friend. Friends do not use friends - a friend has your best interest at heart as much as their own. Bring the kissing issue to his attention and put your cards on the table as to what the rules are. Based on your comments you know that you are invested more than he is or rapidly heading that way and that is a recipe for disaster - your first last and only objective is to protect yourself. If he is your friend and does not want to hurt or exploit you he will respect that and either change his actions to avoid setting you up for future hurt. FWB situations have a short self life and it sounds like you are at or past your expiration date and heading for danger.The reason most people do not set up ground rules at the start of FWB situations is because with a friend - there does not seem to be a need to set boundaries. The implied trust is that the other person is a friend and would not hurt you, also there are some assumptions that go with friendship - shared - similar goals, needs and values - implicit understanding that do not get checked to ensure they are in synch. Many FWB situations just happen. Intentionally they would not but unintended consequences are a fact of life because people get caught up in the moment. Regardless of gender there is only so much blood in the body and the brain needs oxygen which is supplied by blood and when the brain is oxygen deprived folks do not think clearly.For women that means emotion fills the gap for men instinct takes over. Fact is no matter how much you want things to change and your growing attachement to this person - his kiss does not mean that his feelings toward the situation have changed - it merely means he has gotten more comfortable. Bottomline now that you have come up for air - be honest with yourself about how you feel and where you are emotionally - decide what you want from the situation and what you need to protect yourself. Identify the non-negotiables and set some limits for yourself and for him - then talk to him. State your non-negotiables as this is how it is going to be - based on what you need and let him respond. Make your moves based on the response and protect yourself.



Sandy said...

Clarice, sweet comment but I think Chuck and Garlan were not talking about this man using her "time" in their title. I think they were using a line from an old Prince song "I just want your extra time and your KISS."

Clarice said...

Sandy - if the man wants her kiss but it creates an un-desirable, uncomfortable situation for her - which based on the letter he appears to be doing. He is wasting her time.


Love your blog...I actually love kissing, so it helps in my "fwb" well as other dating situations..., I think kissing is a little bit safer, and less intimate than say oral sex...I'd personally rather kiss...

TJ said...

I think the guys gave some terrific advice - as usual. FWBs are short shelf life situations, at best. If he doesnt respect your rules, they are like cabs, buses and trains. Wait a few minutes, there is another one right around the corner.

Miss Natalie said...

this post hits home kinda with me!!!
i a m recently in this kind of relationship, which at first i said i didn't want to ever be in because i felt like the whole situation is just a selfish way for somebody to get all that they want and have an excuse to all the other things they want to do. but unfortunately i got caught up in this realtionship. The young lady posing the question, at first it wasn't as bad because i was also messing around with somebody else so in the times that FWB #1 wasn't around i didn't miss him because FWB #2 was there!! but eventually it came down to me catching feelings for FWB #2 and eventually # 1 being pushed out of the picture. that's when the trouble started casue now that it was just me and him i wanted more time! i wanted more intimacy! i just wanted more and i start to realize just how little i was getting from him and so i started complaining more and nagging more and became very needy!!!
needless to say thi ngs got very tense and well at least we are still friends just NOT w/Benefits~!!
so my point or opinion is be real honest about your feelings. like she stated some women just can't handle any realtionship -sexual especially and not gain feelings!! be honest about yourself and your feeling and just not set yourself up for that kinda and pain!!!!

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