Monday

Holiday Uncertainty

Hi guys,

I have being receiving mixed signals from my boyfriend of a year. I do not know if a year is long enough for him to bring me back home to meet his parents yet, so I may sound a bit ridiculous on the way.

The both of us are living in Canada, while his parents are in London. He goes back there every christmas for a traditional family get together.

Here is the deal: It's strange to me why he would not bring me back for this "family" event this year (hence my initial question on whether a year is a long enough period), neither has he offered at all. He has, in the past, indicated to me that Christmas is more a 'family' event whereas New Year's would be a more fun, lively and informal event spent with friends, and we will be spending new years together this year! He has also mentioned before that he would only bring the girl he thinks he might marry "home". I reckon it is because we have had certain issues in the past, which although are sorted out and fine now, that he might probably not be too certain about "us"? Im not rushing in marrying him... but just a thought on whether he is just uncertain about us having a future together, or whether he doesn't love me enough to bring me home?

And the thing that really stirred my mind was when he mentioned on two occasions, while we were out having a casual dinner/drinks and engaging on some serious couple-talks, that I should feel free to come and join them for christmas 'as part of the us (his family)'. Did it probably slip out of his mouth because he probably had a few drinks then, and was just being more "open" with his feelings- i do not know. Any piece of advise on that? DEEPLY appreciated!

Additional:
To make myself clearer, he offered an invitation couple of months back, and never brought them up anymore afterwards.

God Bless you and your families!

B.

GARLAND: Good question. I think you're jumping the gun with a lot of stuff here.


First - Going home for Christmas. Me and Chuck, when we were single didn't bring many women 'home.' I'll let Chuck speak on his perspective in a second, but for me - I just didn't feel like the post visit commentary from Mom. Was I getting engaged? Is she the one? She's so cute! She's not so cute! I liked Shelly better than her! Is she older than you? Blah, Blah, Blah...


For some guys - it's not you, it's them - when it comes to taking that special someone home to meet mom. Don't look too deep into it and for heaven's sake don't press him over it, it's not personal.

As far as ARE YOU THE ONE goes... you may or may not be. For some people it takes more than a year to be sure. Don't push the issue too hard and don't use your lack of Christmas invitation as a relationship barometer. You might not like the readings. Give him some room and let him visit his family for the holidays and you do the same. Try not to make his and his family's Christmas about you and what you want your relationship to be. We he comes back, take your time and enjoy what the two of you have don't worry about invites and weddings and all that stuff right now. Enjoy what the two of you have right now.

CHUCK: Ah, yes, Christmas memories. I've had Christmases where my family members misbehaved embarassingly. I've had Christmases where my girlfriend and I had a screaming fight in front of my mother. I had a Thanksgiving once where I was invited to a girlfriend's mom's house for dinner, and her mother, after being there for a couple of hours, told us, in effect, "Oh, we weren't planning on making a big dinner today." But enough about me. All I'm saying is, be careful what you wish for.

Like Garland said, some mothers, or other family members, will make any holiday guests visiting "a thing." That is, a catalyst for a lot of embarassing questions. And they might not wait until you're gone to ask them. He may be trying to spare you from some family quirkiness that might not be so endearing the first time out.

A year may or may not be too soon to make those kind of introductions, but what you don't think of as a big deal may in fact be to him. Maybe he wants you to meet his family on an occasion that isn't as loaded with meaning, like say, Easter. Then it won't be as big a thing.

Don't look for signs for what this means for your relationship. It may not mean a single thing. It's obvious he's thinking about you in that context, because of his slips, or whatever they are. But give him time, don't pressure him, and you'll meet them soon enough. Happy holidays.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Chuck & Garland

thks for your wonderful insights on my situation. i feel so much better after hearing from you guys and do believe that i'll just have to let nature take its course.i was too preoccupied with using this whole christmas visit thing our relationship barometer, as you have put it. im enjoying my xmas right now, will be seeing my guy in a couple of days for new years. we were just talking the other night(nothing at all about christmas trips etc.....) and he said that we should make a trip to London & travel europe for next xmas! naturally, i was delighted because i wasn't expecting too much outta it! i should really stop being sucha depressing kid. thks for taking time off on your holiday to reply to our many questions!!! have a good one with your family and kids, you both!!!!

B

Chuck and Garland said...

Hey - Great!

Thanks for the well wishes! And enjoy your holiday AND Your Man as well!

-Garland

Anonymous said...

B, I'm glad to hear things are working out with your boyfriend, and you're enjoying your Xmas.

My only comment is to you and other women who want marriage. All too often, women let men set the timetable for when marriage occurs. I don't believe in pressuring a man to marry you, because he shouldn't need pressuring or ultimatums to marry you. However, I do think all women who want marriage should have an unspoken timetable in their head for when the question should be asked. It never ceases to amaze me how many women waste years with one guy who never pops the question, or who pops the question then continue in an "engaged" stated for years without ever getting married.

If you know you want marriage, set yourself a time frame by which your man needs to shit or get off the pot. If he doesn't get off the pot, you need to move on and find someone who wants the same thing you do, marriage. Stop letting your man have all the control. Relationships, like marriage, should be about shared goals and commitments. If your boyfriend doesn't share your ultimate goal of marriage, find someone else who does.

Now that doesn't mean nag him or send "subtle" signals of what you want. When I said "unspoken timetable" I meant just that. Enjoy the relationship, relax and let things take their course. Just don't be a fool if, after a certain time frame, the relationship isn't on the course you'd like.

Good luck to you, and I hope you meet the family next Xmas or sooner. Sounds like you've got a good guy overall.

Anonymous said...

Damn, Chuck. What kinda hoodrats have you dated in the past!?

TJ said...

Okay. Chuck. Wow. LOLOL. Be careful what you ask for indeed.

AdviceMaven said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. I had to stop by and check out your blog especially after reading your profile where your talk about women being their own worst enemies--very few men know this so you're very astute.

I'd love to quote you some time on my blog. Let me know if you're interested.

Nice to see a post about the downside of holidays when it comes to relationships.
Best,
Tina

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