It's Not You, It's Me

QUESTION: Hi Guys,I came across your website and I think it is great. In Sept 2008 I met I began talking to this guy that I have had a crush on for 8 years but for some reason we never talked and circumstances led to our talking in Sept 2008. What I liked about him is that he was not any of these pushy guys, he was just cool. He would call me everyday even if it was just to say hi. Other times we would have nice lengthy conversations. We would do our morning calls just to chat and wish each other a good day. He would always bake me stuff especially Strawberry...he knows I like strawberryand other nice things we would do for each other. Anyway after about 3 weeks I began having very strong feelings for him - the typical butterflies, thinking about him all the time etc. I am 30 , He is 46.

After about 5 weeks we when to dinner one night and we ended up having sex , like a typical woman I began to think that this was the beginning of something. Don't get me wrong his calls did not stop and he did not ignore me in any way I would even say that he was drawn to me a little more but things did not progress to way I thought they would have after we made love. Anyways I then told him that I liked him and he did not respond the way I thought he would have either and I had an outburst and told him off. He became distant after that. He told me he didn't like how I behaved and after we talked we decided to put it to a misunderstanding. Again things were going cool and went back to normal.

I will admit that I had a part to play in how things ended up. I was often insecure and was always thinking this is too good to be true and was waiting for the other shoe to drop.One time I accused him of driving a woman's car when all it was ....he had taken his vehicle to get serviced and the company have him a car. I would question why he took so long to answer the phone or why he didn't answer it the first time. The straw they broke the camel' back I guess was when I called his office and I accused him of having a woman there because he sounded "funny."

I remember a time I passed his office and his vehicle was not there and I was convinced that a woman had it.........his secretary told me afterwards that it had gone to get cleaned. I never told him this but I always thought along those lines.

After the office incident I asked him about our "relationship" and he said he thought it was best if we remained friends right now. I was devastated because I really liked him. This happened in Dec 2008. Since then his calls decreased significantly and things aren't the way they were. Recently he started calling back a little more often, the morning calls have returned and he brought me some Strawberry cookies on Sunday. Still things aren't like before I know I made a lot of mistakes and I have issues to deal with but I am truly sorry and I want another chance. Do you guys think its possible?

GARLAND: Sure, anything is "possible."

One thing I like about how you present this question is that almost everything you say is relevant. Okay, maybe the cookies were in a gray area, but you put down all we probably needed here.

Frankly, I think you need to leave this guy alone and give yourself some time to get ready for a relationship. Honestly, right now... and it doesn't matter how much you are feelin' this guy, how good the sex was, or how good the cookies are... you don't sound like someone who is ready for a serious relationship.

Let me just explain, or let me just REALLY point out what you told us. You've admired this guy from afar for 8 years - or, since THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION! In that kind of time, its only human to create this 'fantasy' kind of image about someone you want to be with. Chances are, he'll NEVER be able to live up to this image, no matter how 'real' you think it is. I think that is part of your "too good to be true" insecurity with this fellow.

Then, you hit him with the "I'm really feeling you, baby" after you have sex [note, I didn't say make love, technically its not making love unless both people love each other - TAKE NOTE READERS!] and when he doesn't proclaim equal, if not deeper feelings for you, you get mad. You are just WANTING too much at this point and you are WANTING it on YOUR terms. I think a lot of guys would have backed away from you too. Not because your not desirable or whatever, and not because a lot of guys are bums, but simply because men move at a slightly slower emotional speed than you ladies. Maybe he needed a few days to really put his feelings into perspective before saying something deep to you. To steal my homeboy Chuck's world famous line - "You got off light." He could have told you he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and cleaned out your bank account the following week and never spoke to you again. Be glad that he just wanted to scale things back a little.

As far as the sweet sweet way you mentioned "a time when I passed by his office" and his car wasn't there... come on... say it... say it... THE TIME I WAS CHECKING UP ON HIM... he wasn't there and you went nuclear assuming that a woman had his car. Why automatically a WOMAN? Why not one of his guy friends, why not a male co-worker, why not a friend that needed to just borrow his car? Why a woman? And let me tell you - you went and talked to his secretary about it?!?!?!? WTH? You really shot yourself in the foot with that one. You probably came off like a straight up stalker to her, despite the sweet nonchalant way she probably answered your question. Just because you two are women, that doesn't assure you her loyalty and understanding, she probably told him, "Your little girl friend is stalking you, you better watch your back."

In my humble opinion, you need to move past this guy and all that you THINK you might have with him down the road. You have some insecurity issues and some serious trust issues when it comes to this guy and all of these other 'women' that you think are lurking in the shadows ready to take him from you. I just doubt if that will ever work out.

One other component to all of this is the 16 year age difference. For a typical guy in his 40's to date someone who is technically young enough to be his daughter, he is going to need and expect a certain level of 'dating maturity'. He is not going to put up with a lot of sneaking around and spying on him, he is not going to deal with too many questions about who's car he's in and why does he sound "funny" on the phone and why did he wave to 'some woman' in the mall and all this foolishness. At this point, we guys expect our woman to be savvy, cool and confident, the days of jealous phone calls and Secret Squirrel missions should be behind us.

Now, keep in my that I'm not an expert, I'm just 1 of 2 guys TRYING to do the right thing on an advice blog. You are NOT the only person in the world with insecurity issues, you are NOT the only person in the world to do a little secret check up on a dating interest, and you are NOT the only person who suspects that maybe someone else is after the person they want. ANd most of all you are NOT a BAD PERSON... I just don't get a good vibe from you and this guy you are dealing with - as a couple

The final decision has got to be yours.

Good Luck.

CHUCK: Writing this blog over the past few years Garland and I have heard from women about men who were deadbeats, dogs, and emotional basket cases. We've advised on relationships that could benefit from an intimate conversation, a harsh word, or a temporary restraining order. So I hope that you will not be insulted when I say that I don't know that this relationship is salvageable. And most of that is because of you.

Let's start at the beginning. You carried the torch for this man for eight years before you became intimate. Wow. On one hand, I want to congratulate you. A lot of the girls I had crushes on, I never got close to. But I think you had unrealistic expectations when you did have sex with this man. I believe that you thought that the sky would open up for him, and he would fall deeply in love with you. And when that didn't happen, you let your insecurity take control of you.

Now this man didn't run away from you. He didn't even back away immediately. He was merely taking some time to process his feelings. I know, that sounds like bullshit, but it's probably true. Some men don't come quickly to a realization that they are in love with a woman. They have to mull it over and deny it to themselves for a while before they can come to a realization. Not the most mature behavior, but what can you do? That may have been what was going on here.

At least until your outbursts, accusations, and overly suspicious behavior worked to drive him away. I agree with Garland that you just didn't "pass his office" that day. You were checking up on him. Own your stalkerish behavior. And I think it's safe to assume that he found out about it, too. After all, he's paying that secretary to look out for him, and that includes, unfortunately for her, acting as a buffer between him and suspicious girlfriends while he's at work.

Can you get this relationship back together again? Yeah, anything's possible. But frankly, why he'd want to, I don't know. He may really have feelings for you, after all. But my advice, if you two do try again would be for you to grow up and calm down a little, not try to force things, and let them grow naturally on their own. Thanks for the question.


Anonymous said...

Girl, just like C&G said, anything is possible. But you need to leave this guy alone and find someone that you feel more confident with. Stalking a man is not healthy for you or him.

TJ said...

Great advice. The three things that stick out to me are that stalking a man for eight years is not healthy, it is REALLY important for people who want a relationship after a sexual encounter to TALK about the relationship before the sex, and stalking a man for eight years is not healthy. Yeah it was crushing, but still.

searchingwithin said...

Chuck and Garland,

Great advise. This woman is not ready for a relationship with this guy, or any guy, and if she continues with it, she is going to execute a slow miserable death.

She seriously needs to work on herself and her insecurities before she is fit for a relationship. If you don't love yourself, how can you possibly think that someone else should love you.

They are not committed, yet she has entered into an imaginary relationship. I hate to see how she would behave if they had committed. It would only get worse.

Best Wishes

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