Tuesday

The Third Wheel


QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I am a very young looking, attractive 50 year old woman. I am divorced.

I have been friends for 5 years with a very young and good looking, professional black man of 46. For the first 4 years, I would venture in and out of his life. An email here, text there, telephone conversation, etc. We also went on three great dates during that time as well. Well, finally, last year I decided to become intimate with him. Sex is great.....then I ventured back to my old ways.....a text here, call there, etc. He says it's because I have "distractions" and he is waiting for the time when he is a "distraction" for me.

So, last week I called him and he invited me to his home. (My first visit there, he's always been to my home). We haven't seen each other for over 6 months. Also we live about 30 miles away from each other.

So, yesterday I go to his home, he has a long time friend over visiting from out of town - male and the three of us have a great time just talking and listening to music. I did not know he was expecting company and he said that he knew and that it was not a problem at all. My friend and I sneak upstairs for a quicky and return to continue with his friend. He was very, very charming and attentive. I really had a great time and saw him a different side to him that I really, really like!

Anyway, as I was leaving, he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me not to be a stranger.

Here's my question: What does he think about me? I want to take it to the next level, but I just can't find the right words. I don't want to be rejected, but I am very curious as to what he is thinking. It's been 5 years and I am ready for him to be mine!!!!

Hope you have an answer for this one.

GARLAND: Thank you for your question!

As a guy, I'm going to tell you that he probably doesn't want you like you want him. I'm always leery of guys that move like turtles. I think us guys tend to know when we've stumbled across that special lady and while moving at the speed of light is definitely a no no, moving like molasses in January is bad too.

What really screams Bad Things to me is him inviting you over to his place and then having a "long time friend" come over and hang out with the two of you!!! THIS IS JUST A BAD THING ALL THE WAY AROUND. Let me tell you why...

Men DON'T invite their Boyz over to "Hang out with this great woman I'm seeing," we don't ask our Boyz over to, "Give me your opinion of her," MEN DON'T OPERATE LIKE THAT.

Women like to have their friends 'look over' guys they are interested in. MEN DON'T.

Before I go any further, let me address another point - let's suppose his friend was in town visiting on a scheduled trip. If he was trying to really see you, his boy would have left the house - caught a movie, did some site seeing, went to a club, had dinner - he would have done something to give you two some real alone time, especially because you are not his girlfriend. He would have given you some grown-up space!

Now keep in mind that I obviously don't know your guy, but I'm going to tell you - if I was a gambling man, I would bet my next paycheck that your fella had a little something up his sleeve by having you AND his boy over the house at the same time. Either he was trying to show off for his boy by getting you to come over and sex him up while his buddy was in the other room OR he was trying to sneak you into a comfort zone where a little three-way might pop off! I just DON'T like the fact that he would invite you over, have his friend there, have sex with you and then send you on your way with a pat on the butt.

If he REALLY cared about you, he would not have broken off a little 'quicky' with you while his friend was chillin' out in the house too. That is just some high-school foolishness, grown men that respect their women don't do that childish mess. There is NO WAY... NO WAY... that after you left, he told his buddy, "Man she is so special. I really want a future with her. I'm going to make her my lady." There is ZERO CHANCE that that happened. He said some things about you though, believe me, but it was nothing sweet.

Will he reject you? I'm not sure, but I'm almost afraid of what will happen if he accepts you.


CHUCK: I don't know that this guy was trying to get a threesome rolling with you and his buddy (at the risk of not sounding progressive and modern, can I just say... "ew?"). I mean, if he's that bold, and that freaky, I think he wouldn't have left any room for doubt. But I do think, like Garland, that it really serves to illustrate how much, or how little, he thinks of you.

Here's my reasoning: When I was single, and my lady friend was coming over for a weekend, I wanted there to be no impediment to us enjoying the pleasure of each other's company at any time or place in my apartment (ah, to be young again...). That means not having to entertain my buddy, or being self-conscious thinking that he's listening in on me and my lady friend's "quickies." Again, "ew."

So, I'm left with the thought that he was not taking the weekend entirely seriously, and was not really concerned with just having time with you. I think it's safe to say he was not really seeking a romantic weekend with you. I don't think that he sees you as just a booty call, but I don't think he places you too many rungs up the ladder from one.

You both have apparently had no problem in the past with keeping your relationship a little casual. And some guys are absolutely have no problem saying, "Hey, if that's all right with her, it's all right with me." But it's not all right with you anymore. So let him know it. Tell him that you didn't mind having the third wheel around on your weekend, but you were hoping for some alone time. Put it to him just like that, don't jump in his shit. See what his response is. Hopefully, he'll be apologetic and you two will have another chance to get things right.

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