Wednesday

Here comes the Bride and the Gloom...

QUESTION: What's up guys? My girlfriend turned me onto your blog so I hope that you can answer my question because I hope I'm wrong. My boyfriend proposed to me four months ago and we are getting married this September. I am very excited! We're getting married in my parent's church, I've picked out my bridesmaid's dresses and shoes. I'm looking at the invitations and interviewing photographers. Next week we will be putting a deposit down for the reception hall and tasting cakes and dishes for our dinner.
My problem is this, my fiance isn't excited. He doesn't talk about the wedding, he doesn't talk about the honeymoon, he doesn't ask me any questions he just says, "Yes." and "Okay, that's fine."
Does he not want to get married? He says he does, but he never wants to get involved in the process and this is our wedding, not mine by myself. Should I give him an ultimatum and make him be a part of this wedding or what?
GARLAND: Congratulations on your engagement! But hold on a second before you start throwing around ultimatums, you might hurt somebody!
Let's look at this one of two ways:
On the one hand, your soon to be hubby could want out of the whole deal. That is possible, he would not be the first man to get cold feet.
However, I'm thinking about The Other Hand... He DOES want to marry you and he wants your wedding to be a special day that makes your dreams come true. Let me tell you what I think Your Man might be thinking - he might be thinking, The wedding is really for YOU. YOU and your family and maybe his Mom and Grandma. For him, as with many grooms, he's just showing up to go through the formalities of getting a wife. It's not personal, and it's not a lack of love, it's just that a lot of guys don't care what the bridesmaid's dresses look like. A lot of grooms don't care if the cake is yellow or chocolate, or if you have chicken or fish, or if the invitations are white or eggshell. Some guys just don't care.
It's not that he doesn't care about your feelings, maybe he just doesn't want to be fake, maybe he doesn't want to lie to you when you ask if the strapless shoes will look good on your cousin Sheila's fat ankles. No they won't look good, but he doesn't want to have to lie and say they will. He wants you to be happy, he wants you to be happy with the font on the invitations and he wants you to be happy with all of the pomp and circumstance around your wedding day. I say "your" in the sense of yours and his - but the details and the minutae of the day, are probably above his artistic perception and he, in his eyes, is staying out of the way.
You may want to look at his demeanor as his effort to not cause problems and not rock the boat. I'm sure he loves you and I'm sure he wants to marry you. But that is my opinion. Look at my answer and find a way to ask him if this is what he is feeling. If he says, 'yes,' then you are okay. Let him know that you'd like him to be a bit more involved but don't expect a 180 turn, maybe he'll do a little extra for you.
If he doesn't agree with what I've said, then you may have a problem, and you should send us a follow up question. Best of luck and CONGRATULATIONS again!
CHUCK: Let's just face it: There are many items associated with a wedding that NO man should be expected to care about.
When I was getting married, I was asked repeatedly for my input on invitations, decorations, centerpieces. No man should be asked about centerpieces. Most men never even notice a centerpiece, unless it's in our way when we're reaching for our drink. And then our thoughts go to, "Why is that damn centerpiece in my way?" Just trust me on that.
What I would find a little worrisome, is that, according to you, there seems to be no aspect of the wedding, great or small, that he has an interest in. Whereas I could not be expected to care in the same way about everything associated with our wedding, some things I did take an interest in. Like the reception menu. Like the deejay. Like whether we were going to have an open or cash bar. Like the honeymoon.
At the very least, to have no opinion about where you want to go for your honeymoon sounds pretty strange, to me. But, to be fair, let's examine your behavior, too. Is it possible that you may be a little dominant of your future husband in your relationship? Do you ask for his opinion when you really don't want it, and are determined to do things your way, regardless? Because, if he feels that he won't be heard, he may have just decided to go along to get along. If that isn't the case, I apologize, but I had to ask.
One thing that you can do, to test his resolve, is turn one aspect of the wedding entirely over to him. Tell him that you're too busy with other things, and you need him to work with the caterer on the menu, or notify the travel agent about the honeymoon. You can see how he does with his own project, and no constant oversight. But I don't think you should worry that he doesn't want to marry you. He wouldn't agree to subject himself to the wedding process, unless the goal was something he really wanted. Congratulations.

4 comments:

Shannon said...

Havng just gotten married, let me offer a few tips:

1. The wedding is in September. To you, that's six months of ohmyGOSHhowiseverything going to get done. In Guy Time, that's like thousands of light-years away and not worth worrying about. My husband wasn't too into the wedding until a month out, and then he started to throw himself into it. And freak out, which was pretty funny.

2. You would be hard-pressed to find a guy who cares about flowers or bridesmaid dresses. Ask him to focus on stuff he cares about, like booze and music.

Chuck and Garland said...

Shannon - that is a beautiful point! You are 100% on the money! Six months is a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time in a guy's perspective. To most of us, that's after the NBA finals, after 90 percent of the baseball season, after the NFL preseason, after the Summer... there a million days between now and September!

My wife wanted me more involved too. I tasted the cake [it was good] and I looked at the invitations, but I don't think I got really ramped up until the last month or so. So - Great comment, great point!!!

Garland

Shalagurl said...

Hey...I absolutely agree with Chuck/Garland. Men tend not to get their heads into all the details. Some don't even like the task of picking out the suits the groom men will wear. I think that she may want, as we all do, more involvment from her man...but that doesn't necessarily mean he's doesn't want to get married or he doesn't love you!

I have a blog as well...about what are men thinking...this is more like how we get along as men and women...if interested please see
whatarementhinking-shalagurl.blogspot.com

Chuck and Garland said...

Hey SHALAGURL! Thanks for the comment! You're right, we still love our ladies through the process even if we keep a low profile.

So... another blog called "What Are Men Thinking?" - and run by a Sista none-the-less, ambitious! I like that! I don't think I'd be brave enough to start a blog called "What Are Women Thinking?" I don't know if I'd even know where to begin.

But, I like the look of your blog. It's really snazzy. Good luck and if it's your first blog - I say ENJOY IT!!! And, I'll see you in the 'comments' field! Take care!

-Garland