Interest-free Relationships

QUESTION: I’m sure this is a question you get often, but I would love an honest answer. My boyfriend of 9 months has lost interest. He lost interest about 2 months ago. Before that we texted all day, he was very affectionate with me, everything couldn’t have been more perfect. Now he never texts me, only answers my texts back and when he does it takes hours to get back to me & the messages are just cold. He hasn’t given me a compliment in 2 months, no longer calls me baby. he hardly even looks at me and all affection is gone, any affection I get, is because I am giving it to him, I feel like hes forcing himself to wrap his arms around me.

When I ask him whats wrong he says nothing, but I know he’s lying.

When I suggested to him that maybe we needed some time apart, he got angry, then was affectionate for about a week, but is back to being cold again. I don’t know what to do, this is really taking a toll on me. I really think this guy might be the one, and he has told me before that I am the one for him, he’s even spoken to me about wanting to possibly start a family, which came as a complete surprise to me because I know that’s something he hasn’t discussed with previous girlfriends (the last 2 gave him the commitment ultimatum, and have all lost, the relationships ended) I don’t want it to end, I want to fix it. (just FYI we are in our 30’s).

I know we have gone through some tough things recently but my feelings for him haven’t changed, but his have seemed to have changed drastically. I have heard that the best thing to do when a guy has lost interest is to break up and drop all contact with them so they have some space & he can take some time to realize that life sucks without me, but I know that back fired to the last girl that did that to him, it sent him running straight into my arms and we have been together since lol. I def don’t want to send him into the arms of a new girl. Please help!!

GARLAND: Thank you for your question! I sincerely apologize for the delay in getting you this answer!

Let me start by hitting two points right off the bat:

#1 Please don’t fool yourself into thinking you know anything about his previous relationships! You know ONLY what he has told you. You know ONLY one side of a story, and that is ONLY if he is not lying! So, please please please - drop the whole perspective of thinking that you know about ultimatums that prior girlfriends gave him, or statements that he did or did not make to them. Once you start taking his word as gospel, you’ll start forming opinions that might be way off the mark, so let’s ONLY work in the realm of what you can see and touch. That will save you a ton of drama later in this relationship. If you listen to nothing else I say, LISTEN TO WHAT I JUST SAID.

#2 The Best Advice is NOT to cut ties with him until he changes his mind. Cutting ties may be the best thing to do, but don’t do it under the assumption that he’ll ‘come to his senses’ and come running to you begging that you’ll take him back. That leads to all kinds of emotional foolishness and was probably started by someone who was not a man. But again, I don’t rule out cutting ties, as you’ll see in a minute.

Now, onto the issue – your man is drifting away. That could be any number of things. He could be experiencing some medical issues and maybe he doesn’t want to talk about them. That would make someone seem distant. He could have some problems going on at work, or he could simply be over-worked. Or, he could be losing interest in you, or any of five dozen other things.

If you’ve called him out on being distant, and he threw a hissy fit, followed by Mad-Love, and then distance again… he’s got some issues. I’m gonna’ be honest with you and I’m gonna’ quote one of my favorite WMAT readers, “Clarice”, and I’m gonna’ tell you “don’t borrow drama.” If this guy is shutting you down and shutting you out, just walk away now. Just walk away. If he can’t stay focused on you and your feelings after seven brief months, how do you honestly… HON-EST-LY… expect him to stay focused on you for a year, or two years, or three or five? If he has something going on and he’s not equipped as a mature person to discuss them with you intelligently, then chances are, he’s NOT ready for a grown up relationship and all the WANTING in the world from you is NOT going to prepare him for it. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I talk to questioners just like I would talk to my sister. I wouldn’t soft pedal her, and I’m not gonna’ soft-pedal you. He’s probably a nice guy and a fine human being, but if he is shutting you out, and won’t talk about it – move on and don’t look back.

CHUCK: There is another possibility with this guy you may need to consider: He may not know how to follow through on a relationship. He's courted you, won you, and nine months later, he doesn't know how to be around you. Some guys like the chase, the pursuit of a woman into a relationship, but don't know how to be in a relationship. It's an emotional maturity thing.

Garland's right about taking what he says about his past girlfriends with a grain of salt. As a matter of fact, here, take this salt shaker. He may be giving his past relationships a spin to make himself look good. And to discourage you from doing something he wouldn't like.

Anyway, you cannot trouble yourself with whether you expressing your dissatisfaction with his behavior is going to drive him away. He sounds as though he has essentially left you already. Responding to you only out of a sense of obligation alone is far from desirable, for you or him. So, it is worth it for you to address the issue with him one more time. Put the onus on him this time: "It seems as though you've been unhappy lately. Is there something going on that I can help you with." Give him the opportunity to be honest with you.

But be prepared. If he blows you off, and is attentive for only a couple of weeks to shut you up, then goes back to being an uncaring lump, get out. You and your self-esteem deserve more. Good luck.

1 comment:

Kimmy J. said...

I think I need to follow this advice myself. My man has been doing the same thing to me and I've been ready to do some things that I'm not proud of to try and keep his interest. I need to think this through. Thanks Chuck and Garland. I love this blog!