Thursday

The Road to The Moral High Ground - might be paved by jerks.

QUESTION: Hi,

M boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me after he caught me Texting a guy. To him, Texting is as good as cheating and he cannot bring himself to trust me again. We have been through many ups and downs these 4 years and what we had was really good. I deeply regret for throwing that away and has been trying to get back since. When I text that guy, I don't have that kind of feelings Towards him like my ex bf has said. I swear. But he refused to believe.

Occasionally, he will call or text to see how I am doing but yet, when I asked for a patch back, he does not want.

It kills me to be in this cycle. Is there hope for reconciliation or should I just cut it off and spare myself the heart aches?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Your ex bf calling or texting means one of two things two me - (1) he cares about you as a person ONLY and he just wants to make sure things are okay in your life or (2) he's still chaffed about your breakup and wants to tease you periodically with the hope that maybe he wants you back only to smack you down and say he's not interested.

With regards to the former, he could have honorable and friendly intentions and he may still like to hear your voice once in a while and just truly wants to say, "Hello." While this is sweet, it could be very negative in the long run - I'll explain why in a minute.

Now, as far as the latter goes - with him just being mean, I'm bothered that this could very well be the case.  I think that he may still be pissed [or hurt] that you were texting another guy.  Now keep in mind, he could have a new girlfriend right now, or at a minimum be trying to get a new girlfriend, but he still wants to keep that wound open with you.  He knows that EVERY SINGLE TIME he calls or texts you - YOU ARE REMINDED THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDED BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT YOU DID.  It's not my place to say what was right or wrong on your part or his, but part of me is bothered by the fact that he may be trying to "play up" the assumed moral highground on his part by shoving your failed relationship back in your face every month or so.  Frankly, I don't like it.

I can't say for sure if there is a chance for you two in the future or not, but I strongly recommend that you take the... "If you love something, set it free..." approach.  The next time he calls or texts, just tell him that this has to be the last time he calls you.  Tell him that you appreciate him wanting to check on you, but your relationship is over and there is no need to reopen that emotional box every few months. Make sure he understands that you don't want to hear from him again, no calls, no texts, no E-Mails and unfriend him on Facebook.  This will take any moral superiority from him and force him to either determine he does want you back or it will force him to stop playing games with your heart and your head.  You have to take that control from him and be prepared to move on completely.  But make sure you tell him - no more contact.  He'll either never call you again; call you and act like a rude jerk; or call you and ask for another chance.  Either way - YOU ARE TAKING CONTROL BACK.

Good luck!

CHUCK: I find myself in partial disagreement with Garland. I don't necessarily think that your ex is trying to lord some moral superiority over you. It could be that\, when he broke up with you, he went farther than he meant to go, regrets it, but can't bring himself to take you back. He may have staked out a position for himself that he doesn't care for, but pride won't let him take it back.

He calls you because I think he recognizes he wants you in his life. But when you do the expected thing, and ask to get back together, his walls go up, and all he can think of is how he thinks you've betrayed his trust. But then he calls you again.

I agree with Garland completely that this situation can't continue, though. Nobody wants to feel like a bad person ("I broke his trust, and I'm telling him not to call me!"), but this rending of garments and gnashing of teeth on both your parts needs to end. The next time he should call you, put it to him straight: Can he ever forgive you, and have the relationship with you that you once had? If he can't, then tell him that he needs to put you out of his mind. You both need to finally get out of this cycle and try to find some happiness.

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