Not Feeling You

QUESTION: Okay, so I've been reading your blog for a while...and now, I actually have a question for you guys. I met a guy about a month or so ago via an online ad. After corresponding by e-mail for about a week, he asked me out. We went out about 3 weeks ago, nothing elaborate, just dinner and a movie, and I had a good time-it seemed he did as well. I did notice he was yawning towards the end of the movie we saw (it was after midnight when it ended and he had worked that day) but didn't think a whole lot about it-I merely chalked it up to the fact he was tired after having worked that day. Anywhoo, I sent him an e-mail the next day thanking him and letting him know that I had a nice time and looked forward to seeing him again. He actually didn't respond for a couple of days, so I then assumed that he perhaps was no longer interested, and sent him another e-mail saying that I supposed he wasn't, and wishing him the best-very cordial. He responded back saying I'd "written him off too soon" and he'd been "working like a Hebrew slave" (he just started his own business several months ago)...but that he did have a nice time and I'd done nothing to not make him want to do it again.
My question-as it has been three weeks and he hasn't asked me out again (we have corresponded via e-mail off and on during this time), should I assume that he ISN'T interested?
Thanks for any insight you can provide, guys!

GARLAND: Hello! Thanks for your question!

I think it's safe to say he's not interested. I wish my instincts didn't point to that conclussion because you said you had a good time with him. But after three weeks, if he hasn't set up another date, then he's not going to.

As a man, if I meet a woman and I'm feelin' her - I'm going to snatch her up before someone else does. Even if it doesn't mean a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship right away, I want to make it plain and clear that I like her and I want to get to know her. There wouldn't be a whole lot of non-face-time back and forth.

Several thing about his behavior reinforce this to me: FIRST - The yawn. If I had yawned on a first date I would have made a big deal out of it and I would have made 100% sure that my date knew that I was tired, but NOT bored! SECOND - As a man, I think it is a big sign of respect to be proactive in reaching out the next day. Personally, I've always worked hard to be the first to make contact the next day. THIRD - The whole "you wrote me off too soon" line, if he was interested, he should have and would have made it clear to you. FOURTH - If he's working like a "Hebrew Slave" then he didn't have the time to be doing online dating in the first place.

I think he's not feeling you and he probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I don't want to hurt them either, but let this one go. Don't chase after a guy that's dragging his feet. If a guy is starting weakly, he'll probably finish weakly. You may want to stop the E-Mail traffic with him too, there's no need of dangling at the end of his line. Get back in the water and make another catch!!!

CHUCK: Should you assume he isn't interested? In a word: YES. There are any number of ways that a man can show a woman that he is sincerely attracted to her. He has shown you exactly none. Waste no more time trying to stay in contact with him.

That whole business about him working too hard to contact you I don't really buy. People will make time for the things they want to make time for. Even Hebrew slaves. I mean, where did the little Hebrew slaves come from?

However, I think it would be helpful to at least cursorily examine this guy's behavior. Because there may be a simple explanation for it. Some guys have women that they want to date, or would like to engage as, um, sexual partners, but they are unwilling or maybe unable to expend the effort necessary to achieve their objective. They remain in contact with these women, just in case, but they are not going out of their way for them. They're certainly not spending money on them. That sounds like what you're dealing with here.

So forget this guy and don't even bother to send him one last email for "closure." That is SO MUCH a woman thing to do, by the way. If he wants to get back in touch with you, he will. But don't hold your breath waiting.


angie said...

I just recently came accross your blog. I am so impressed and appreciative to the types of answers you give! Honest, yet respectful and not hurtful (when a less then desired answer is in order). Please keep it up! And as a single woman struggling out there in the dating world, I may hit you up with my own questions some day soon, God knows I need some answers sometimes! :) Thanks!

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