QUESTION: I met this man a few weeks ago and we began to hook up pretty regularly. He was always talking about how he wanted nothing serious, but the fact that he seemed to feel a lot for me kept creeping out in conversation... he admits that if we were to spend a lot of time together he knows where it would go, and that to him is the evil relationship. I broke it off for a while, saying I needed to get my stuff together, but a few days later realized I could do it with him in my life in an intimate way. Then he stopped returning my calls. A few days later I got a hold of him and he was such an ass - he was rude and hurful and if felt like he was just pushing me away. I had been thinking about ending it anyway because it just wasnt what I wanted, but the manner in which he did it was so incredily hurtful, and he said we was only distancing himself not to hurt ME! Now its been a week, and I was fine a few days ago. But then I was talking to a mutual friend who said he thought this guy was just so into me and scared of how he felt about me. And I cant help thinking its true. I just want to talk to him and sort this out so I can get over it and we can be friends, but he wont talk to me. What is going on? And more over, what do I do?!
GARLAND: Thank you very much for your question! Chuck and I are always appreciative to check our Hotmail and find another one! And, we certainly hope we can make a positive difference with our questioners AND our readers!
So, what do you do?
First - find this "mutual friend" and paint a bright red X on their forehead so you'll know to never, never, never ask their opinion again about this man or any other. They think this guy is "so into you that he decides to treat you like sh*t because he is so in Luv' with you" - say that ten times out loud to yourself.
Okay - any man that is so scared of caring about a woman that he feels the need to be mean, and rude and hurtful towards her to "protect" her from him and oddly, him from her. He has some deep rooted issues - and you, your life, your heart and your time are better spent looking elsewhere. That's just the plain old truth, sorry.
Let me share something with you - I've liked one or two women so much in my life that I thought I might be willing to put up with stupid sh*t to be with them. And at the very moment I realized that I might be willing to bring foolishness and non-sense into my life, because I thought their love MIGHT be worth it. I woke the hell up! And that is just what this guy is going to bring to you! Everytime he can't handle some good vibes and good emotions because HE has issues, with trust or women or monogamy or whatever - he's gonna play the punk role and flip out on you! You will spend all of your time trying to convince him that you are "his girl" and "he can trust you" and "you deserve him" and "you need him"!
Simply put, if he ain't grown enough and man enough and ready enough for a legitimate, intimate relationship with a mature woman - please don't bother with him. If he deals with, what should be a positive opportunity - by straight dissin' you, he is a boy inside and you will be best served to move on. And when I say move on, I don't mean... oh it's cool to hook up on your birthday or at the cookout his mama is throwing next weekend or because you saw him at the car wash - because feelings are gonna' be involved and all the typing I just did will be in vain. MOVE ON means no phone calls, no E-Mails, no accidentally on purpose driving by his job or his apartment 10 or 20 times. It means, just leave him alone.
And one last thing... the whole "I just want to talk to him and sort this out so I can get over it and we can be friends..." (Chuck is REALLY gonna' get you for that line!) But let me start - This is probably the biggest reason women get dogged by losers!!! Listen carefully - Every man that you meet and catch a wiff of emotion for DOES NOT HAVE TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!! Calling guys that you have a "thing" for YOUR FRIENDS after a few hot weeks is an absolute insult to the people that are YOUR REAL FRIENDS and have been for years! A lot of you ladies think that all you have to do with a guy is TALK and everything will be sweet and honey coated and you'll have a new FRIEND. You feel like there is "something to get over" [something to get past; something to resolve] I can't say it any plainer - PLEASE STOP THIS BULLSHIT. Don't try to TALK anything over, don't try to make him explain anything, don't bend over backwards for him, don't try to be his new best friend, don't try to get him to cry in your arms - just say this - "I gave him a chance, he acted like a dick. The hell with him."
I know I'm comin' off kinda' blunt here, but I'm talking to you the EXACT same way I have talked to my family and friends! You thought enough of me and Chuck's blog to drop us a line, and I think enough of you to try and protect you and your heart! Please don't take it personal - just take it to heart!
CHUCK: Garland is referring to a complaint I made in an earlier post that women frequently seek closure with men past any reasonable expectation of a successful outcome. Closure is not always possible in relationships, and I question whether it's even desirable. What response from this guy would you like to get? "I love you, but you scare me?" If something so corny came out of his lips, you should slap it back in. "I want us to still be friends?" People say this all the time. They may even mean it. But does it ever happen? Not so much, I think.
To be fair, let me backtrack. Your friend may, in fact, be into you and be scared of his feelings. Okay. Is it too much to ask for him to get himself together and deal with his feelings like a grown-ass man? It's not like you're asking him to do a 15-month tour in Baghdad, after all. Men trip me out sometimes with emotional childishness like this. "I'm afraid to be in a relationship right now," they say. But what they mean is: "I don't want to get with you as long as I think there's someone better out there."
As for friendship, I don't know about you, but I know enough rude, hurtful people who won't return my phone calls. I can do with one less. Maybe you can, too. Forgive me, but your guy doesn't appear to be such a great prize to lose. He's already shown you what a poor friend he's going to be.
So if you should get the urge to call this guy, hit yourself in the head with the phone until the urge passes. Whether he intended to or not, he's really doing you a favor.