Security Issues

Chuck and Garland-

I have another question for you concerning a friend. My friend,who I'll call Cissy, works as a contractor at a government agency. Although her job isn't really top secret, the agency she works for is really security-oriented, and she has to maintain a high level security clearance to keep her job.

The problem arises from the guy Cissy's been seeing. Let's call him Curtis. As plain as I can put it, he's a thieving crackhead. Don't ask me how she hooked up with this guy. I have no idea. He's stolen from Cissy and lied to her so many times, I can't believe it. She stuck by him and defended him, while he's stolen her car, her money, even gifts from her!

The agency Cissy works for, during some period when she thought she might actually marry him, has looked into Curtis, and found him undesirable. They have advised Cissy to limit her contact with Curtis because of his criminal record. She told them she would, but she's still seeing him. And she does this knowing that continuing to see him could cost her her security clearance, and her job.

I never thought of Cissy as stupid, but what else would make her risk her livliehood like this? She'd been by herself for a while before Curtis, but so what? Is there anything I can say to her to get her to drop this bum?

CHUCK: Please indulge me for a minute while I lay out some theory. It's really nothing new, but I need to put it out there. Human beings, having free will as we do, are often drawn to persons and things that, despite the momentary pleasure that they offer us, are really no good for us in the long term. But still, people continue to do detrimental things like smoke cigarettes, take drugs, or watch Flavor of Love.

Curtis is probably serving the same purpose for Cissy. She's playing at some real daredevil, Evel Knievel stuff. She's just not using motor vehicles. She may be thinking she can change this bad person. She may be thinking that "love will conquer." She may be doing the female equivalent of "thinking with the little head."

For too many people, the idea of being alone is just so terrible to them that they will accept anything resembling a relationship. No drug addict is capable of having a relationship, because they are incapable of putting anyone in front of themselves. And Curtis' behavior has shown it. There's no way that he could steal from Cissy and endanger her financial well-being if he cared for her.

Talk to Cissy if you'd like, but I wouldn't expect too much. If you say that her job has put her on notice, I don't know what else you can say that will change her mind. And, let's face it, the loss of this job, no matter how good it may be, is beside the point. Cissy has shown the willingness to damage her career and livliehood for this clown. Whether her job is high security or fast food is irrelevant. I hope your friend comes to her senses before she does herself too much damage, but we'll see.

GARLAND: Um... Cissy isn't stupid? Okay - if you say so.

Let's suppose Cissy isn't stupid. Now this is a BIG suppose, alright, but let's just do it. Then she must not either like or want her job. Maybe she just doesn't care about her job. Maybe the pay sucks. Maybe she really wants to get fired so she won't have to hassle with quitting. Or maybe she's one of these insane women that loves to have a roughneck thug to smack her around and treat her like shit to show her how much he loves her.

But Cissy's not stupid, right?

Then again, Cissy may be the kind of woman that foolishly believes 'she can change him.' She has a man that - from your description - sounds like a drugged-out, burned-out, abusive criminal asshole. What a feather in her cap if SHE could turn that kinda' bum around. If she could drown him in defenseless, self sacrificing, self punishing love and have him suddenly bloom into a successful, intelligent, generous, loving, upstanding man - imagine how proud she could walk around her family and friends with this shining gem of a man on her arm! She would probably be giddy as a school girl as she boasts, "I made him everything that he is!"

That's what I think is going on. I think, she thinks - that maybe this guy can be turned around and made into something special and the longer she suffers in her love for him, the bigger saint she'll be in the long run. Either that or she's just so lonely that she feels that no one better will ever come along in her life. I'm not even going to use the word "love" in the things that could be going on with her, because LOVE has nothing to do with letting someone steal from you, threaten your career, or treat you like crap.

What should you tell her? Tell her to read this blog or sign up at Monster.com - because she'll be needing a job VERY soon.