Good day, Garland & Chuck!Hope all's well with both your families!
I happened to stumble upon your site- well, because I was just on the search for answers to some of my doubts I had- which was- unfortunately- relationships (Not again! you must be thinking). I hope I won't be boring your mind out about a load of questions I am gonna ask but anyway, just wanna thank you both for your really precious time on behalf of EVERYBODY who... well, seem to have their own set of issues in life... your advice has been really candid and I believe that's what we really need to hear. Ok, let me get straight to rumbling now...
Scenario 1: I am currently dating this guy & this relationship has been going on for about 6 months now. He is from NZ and I won't have doubts that he has many past relationships/flings/one night stands with random girls before we met (he is 29 this year).
Well, I do not want to sound too petty about his past.. anyway, it's not so wrong if he had sexual encounters with a couple of girls when he was unattached. Few weeks ago I was just looking at the pictures in his camera and I chanced upon naked pictures of a lady & some of his, on a bed, in the hotel in which he stayed in while he was on a business trip to china. That was in August 2007, BEFORE we met.
The issue now is, because he constantly has to make business trips to china, indonesia, london etc... should I be worried that he might commit them again? I know that it's probably common for men to have flings while working on a foreign soil... and maybe I should not brood too much about it at all since he was single then.. but women are emotional and sensitive creatures, rendering us the ability to fabricate a whole lot of stories outta one single picture, or to interpret words which might not even mean what we think it is. But the pictures still inflict a certain degree of pain unto me (I am just on his computer now and saw the pictures on one of his folders- which prompted me to write to you).
Should I talk to him about this at all? Or should I let it go, like come on it happened before we met? There is just this feeling of insecurity whenever he is away... & I am aware that it's downright unhealthy to distrust, but circumstances haven't assured me that I hold at least a significant place in his heart.. or is he just going out with me because we just 'happen to meet and hang out before he meet some other ladies''?
Scenario 2: I do not know if 6 months is long enough (my one and only precious relationship was 4 years so I am pretty much very inexperienced), but my boyfriend seems a little phobic when it comes to letting his close peers know about our relationship. Why is that so? Is he still unsure whether he should officially introduce me as his girlfriend? Why does it seem as if he is holding back a little?
Scenario 3: Recently, we had this little side talk about his plans to move to china in a couple of years time. And when i asked if he was really moving there (adding a somewhat cheerful tone and trying to sound casual).. he went ".....not in the near future". And he went on to imply that Yes, in the future but not too soon.. and added "you might be going to the states anyway" (i do have an ambition to move there for studies but I have on more than one occassion assured him that I might just stick with a local university), have I not make my "priorities" clear? Even if I have been just too vague and subtle... I am just a little upset with the fact he had a 'future' planned without me in his life... Ok, I hope the both of you aren't feeling the need to punch the screen or the impulse to curse and swear at me, yet.... But I do feel 'exploited' at some point in our relationship. I do not want him to go out with me simply because he just needed someone to spend his time with, besides slogging off in the office most part of the week.
Thanks once again for your time. It's a long mail but I have no way of truncating them without making sure the necessary details are in.
Muchas gracias.
x T
GARLAND: Thanks for such a candid question. You're candid with us, so I'm gonna' be candid with you.
I think you are the only one in your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
I don't mean to be cruel, but I hate to see someone being their own worst enemy. Your "friend" telling you that HIS future plans include HIM moving to China is a 100% certain way of telling you that you are just the woman that he is "hanging out" with at this time. By him following that up with, "You're going to the states, right." He was nailing the coffin shut! An appropriate response by you should have been a moment of polite chatter followed by you leaving and never calling him back again. He wrote it on the wall for you, you just didn't want to read it.
I'm a little puzzled about you roaming through his photo files on his computer. When you look deep enough, you will always find something. He probably knew you did a little snooping, and I bet there's a 50/50 chance that he hoped you'd find them, be offended and then leave him. That way YOU'D be the one who walked out and his conscience would be that much clearer. Let me guess, the file with the naked photos was labelled, "PRIVATE" or "PERSONAL". The kinds of names that no one uses for themselves on their own computer. Those are bait titles, nothing more.
Not telling his friends that you are his "girlfriend" is some classic high school foolishness. I bet that Chuck will tell you that he does this just in case something better comes along - he can slide up to her without the stigma of having a known girlfriend among his friends. Real smooth, real low, real obvious.
Lastly, while I think that it is not uncommon for people to have multiple sex partners, it sounds like you may have a real "Darren James" on your hands. Your boyfriend may have quite an extensive international lovers list and my instincts question the level of your carefree partner's commitment to safety. I hope you keep this one "strapped up" when you are in the bedroom... the sex may be to die for.
Bottom line - cut your losses, wish this one well, and take your heart to someone who'll care for, and deserve, you.
CHUCK: For those who don't surf Garland's link, to be clear: Some solo international travelers will partake in sexual tourism that can be damaging and risky to their partners back home. So whatever you ultimately end up doing with this guy, try to make sure that you have been safe with him, and he has been safe with his past partners.
T, I'll take your scenarios one at a time, rather than just give you one simple answer (i.e., DUMP THIS GUY). You took the time to give some detailed questions, so I'll try to answer them.
Scenario 1: ANOTHER woman snooping on her man's electronical shit? Man, what did you guys do before computers and digital cameras made it so easy for you? I know, you went through his house like 5-0 executing a warrant. There's a chance that he left those files as bait for you to uncover, but it's just as likely he didn't think to conceal or delete them. Because, A) He didn't feel the need to hide proof of something he did before you were together; or, B) He never expected to be snooped on. You know, talk to him if you like about this, but prepare for at least some blowback on your domestic spying program. Some men can laugh things like that off. Others take it more seriously. But you've got other issues with this man anyway.
Scenario 2: You've dated six months and he hasn't introduced you to his close friends yet? Not good. Three months I might understand, but six months... That's half a year. He's trying to keep you from them, because of the things they might tell you about him, or he's trying to keep them from you, because he doesn't foresee you hanging around for very long. Either way, it seems like a jerk move, and you should call him on it.
Scenario 3: Here's the big break, the Chinese Escape Clause. Under other circumstances, I'd suggest that this man was keeping you sort of at arm's length because he doesn't want to get overly involved with someone with a major move on the horizon. Or I'd say that maybe he is taking for granted that you might not want to relocate to China with him, and has thus made his plans without including you. But it just straight up seems as though you are not being considered at all. This guy, based on your scenarios, seems to be using you as an emotional and sexual way station between the current phase of his life, and the next phase. If you don't mind that, stay with him. If you want something more out of a relationship. move on.
