The Internet Is the Devil (Part 1)

QUESTION: Hi I think I understand men pretty well, but maybe not. What percentage of men search for adult parties and adult massages on the internet?

I found my boyfriend had been looking for such services on the internet. We have been together for three years, and have been planning on getting married. Unfortunately, for him I'm not so into having a third party as being part of our relationship, or keeping him entertained when I'm not around. He stated that he was just looking and has not had an adult massage or attended an adult party.

He is 36 years old, so it's not like he is still a kid. I understand that some men entertain themselves with pornography or masturbation, but am I being naive? Is there actually a high percentage of 'nice men' out there who are just being discreet, and now I have a misperception?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

Honestly, I have no clue about what percentages of men are into "adult massage" or "adult parties." The guys I hang out with are largely married and for the most part older than your 36 year old. However, I do recall one good friend of mine telling me about an "adult massage" place he went to a few times, but he was single and in his 20's when that happened, so I guess that doesn't help.

Okay - let me cut to the chase. I'm my opinion, there's probably a 1 in 3 chance that your man is seriously considering checking out a massage parlor or adult party with high hopes for a "happy ending." Obviously, I don't know your man or anything more than you've told me, but that is just my gut feeling.

Now, as far as the other 2 out of 3 times goes, your man could have simply been curious. Maybe the guys at work were doing some talking and he just wanted to know a little more; Maybe one of his boyz without a computer at home wanted him to get an address for a massage parlor; Maybe a dozen other things could have caused him to look these subjects up. And this leads me to another thought I have about what you've said...

You said that you "FOUND" that your boyfriend had been checking certain things out online - well, my wife and I share a laptop computer and a desktop computer and honestly I can't tell you anything she looks up online, simply because I don't care and I trust her. Now, please don't take what I'm about to say as an assault your character, but... I'm curious as to whether or not you are the kind of girlfriend who checks the last 20 or 30 calls on your boyfriend's cellphone, or you peek at the last 30 or 40 photos on his digital camera when he's not around, This behavior would be both bad and good for your situation - MEANING - it's BAD because deep down it means that you don't trust him and this kind of behavior is one of the first signs that you should not be with him. It is oddly GOOD, because if he has any sense, he knows what you're doing and if he knows that you snoop behind him, then he would have to be stupid to look up sites online that he knows would blow his game out of the water! So, there is a chance that he was just innocently surfing the Internet.

You mentioned "nice men being discreet." I'm not sure if you mean discreetly looking at porn or discreetly getting mind-blowing massages behind their wives backs. I would have to say "Yes" to the former and "I doubt it" to the latter. Yes - there are probably many "nice guys" checking out porn or at a minimum checking out "racey" entertainment. You can't go into a bookstore or news stand and not see magazines with scantily clad women on the cover. We are visual creatures through and through - we can't and we won't ever change that. But we can still be "Nice Men" - loving husbands and boyfriends, fathers and friends. By MAN STANDARDS, looking is completely innocent! Now as far as the "Discreet happy ending" at the massage parlor goes, I think that is over the line for most guys. MOST GUYS, but not all. Some guys can do this [and more] and still go back home to The Wife with a clear conscience. I couldn't, but that is me. And, I know Chuck well enough to know he couldn't either.

All that being said, there is a fair chance that your man may have some sexual curiosities going on, but there are also a very reasonable number of innocent reasons that he could be looking up these things. He's probably still the "Nice Man" you imagine him to be, so be careful not to redefine him based on his last four Google searches! Let's see what Chuck thinks... he'll probably say I'm crazy.

CHUCK: No, my friend, you are NOT crazy.

Curious (can I call you "Curious?"), I'm sorry, Garland and myself don't really have access to any stats on how many men make, shall we say, sex-related searches on the internet. If any men out there would like to give your response on that topic, we'd like to read them, though.

In the alternative, I'm curious about some stats myself. How many women out there feel the need to snoop on their boyfriends', husbands', et al, internet traffic for "suspect" activity? I'm just saying. I may be being naive, but that doesn't speak well of the trust in these relationships.

As for your specific case, Curious, I don't see much cause for concern right now. First of all, the material that he's researching is pretty tame. "Adult parties" and "adult massage" may make you suspicious, but he could be cruising sites like Emperor', or, or even To use my soon-to-be-patented catchphrase, You got off light.

Seriously, though, I think that you are confusing the will to do a search with the will to perform an act. The internet provides an accessibility and anonymity that is almost unheard of. So it is all too easy for someone with a passing interest in something to do a search on the hundreds upon hundreds of websites catering to sexual content. It might mean he has the intent to pursue some things out of your relationship, but not necessarily. Watch out for other danger signs, but don't overreact.

A tip for other women who regularly cruise their men's web browser: I wouldn't dare suggest you stop doing it, but choose your battles carefully. Curious here reacted prematurely, but I think her situation will work out okay. Some guys, however, with more pervese tastes and worse intentions, when confronted with anything less than a smoking gun, may just go completely underground on you. By that I mean, scrubbing his browser clean after every use, getting a new ISP, or even another computer. The thing about computers is for every measure there is a counter-measure. And let's face it, nearly all men have cruised for sexual material at one time or another. But before you unload on the guy, you should make sure that his searches are of a less-than-benign nature.


Anonymous said...

Trust your instincts! If you feel the need to check websites or phonecalls then there is a reason. If they seem suspicious, accept there is a problem and move on. If they seem innocuous, go to a therapist and figure out why you are suspicious if there is no evidence. I'm a woman. I've been in a happy, faithful relationship for twenty of my 51 years. Before that, I met my share of assholes. The best wisdom I can impart is that your instinct is probably right on! Also, a good therapist can help you move a promising, honest relationship into a sphere of understanding and space for growth that you might never reach otherwise. May your life be joyous and shared with many.

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melette said...

Great answer from both of you. Snooping is just way too much work.

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