Come here... but NOT too close.

First I would like to say this spot is HOT! You both serve it straight up with no chaser. I love it! Well I would like to see if I could get a shot or two.

QUESTION: It's like this: Girl(that would me) meets dude(him) through a mutual friend. We have been dating for about 15 months. He is very handsome and successful. He enjoys his freedom just as much as I do. You see, I base my life on past experiences and I try to learn from them in hopes that I will become a better me.

Dude is a bit mysterious and vague when answering personal questions. So it is difficult to gauge his feelings towards me. He doesn't fit the typical of men actions of men I've dated before him. For example, when we are alone he can be distant; acting as if I am another member of his female fan club. Yet when we hang out, especially around his homies in his hometown, he has to make it overly known that we're together. He becomes offended when the guys get "too friendly". I am not easy or sleazy as he should already know. But who can blame these men for trying. I don't mean to toot my own horn but toot,toot!(lol)
Another thing, he'll text me every morning but will not call unless he wants to make plans to be together. Or sometimes he just shows up no call no text. Then out-of-the blue he'll call asking how my day is going. Here's the kicker. a double please..everytime we bond he disappears for a day or 2 before I get my usual wake up text.
Also after we bond we won't see each other for about 2 weeks. The mutual friend,dude and her go way back, tells me that he has been deeply scared royally a few times and he considered as an " in their hometown. Perhaps he's unsure so she says. Yet I am caring towards him. I am intelligent, funny,open and honest. I usually allow the man to lead as I've learned men prefer to be the hunters. What gives? Where do I go from here?.......Hell, just give me the whole darn bottle!

GARLAND: Thanks for dropping that question with us. So, you want it straight up... DROP THIS GUY!!! No, no, no... I'M JUST KIDDING!!! Honestly!

Okay, so this guy has been scarred and hurt in the past - who hasn't? Really? I mean, who hasn't liked or loved someone that turned out not to be in their best interest? It happens. Now, certainly people deal with it in different ways - but I'm always baffled by people that get hurt, get crushed, DON'T GET OVER IT, and then go right back into the dating pool?

Let me digress for a just a second. A few days ago I was in the swimming pool with my son. He was playing and accidentally wandered out of the shallow end and found himself in water that came to the top of his head. He panicked. He started waving his hands and jumping up and down. I was 2 steps away and yanked him back above the water. He held his breath and was okay, but he was shaken up. I took him to the side and we sat together while he got himself together. It took a few minutes, but he got over it and got back into the water. HE GOT OVER IT. He didn't forget it, but HE GOT OVER IT and moved on. This is what YOUR GUY needs to do.

Enough digression.

Your guy sounds like he's still gun-shy. He wants to be in the game, in the hunt, but he's still too hurt to take the shot. I don't think it was very fair of him to get close to you and bring all of these weird little quirks with him; the distance; the mood swings; the hold you close one minute and push you away the next; and then all of this impersonal text messaging bullcrap.
[Please don't think that getting a morning text from your man is cute... it's NOT! Demand more! YOU ARE WORTH A MORNING PHONE CALL! And besides - Check your man - talking is a little less covert, MAKE HIM DO IT! Texting is easy to hide, he could be sitting on the edge of another woman's bed and while she's in the bathroom brushing her teeth he could bang out a quick and quiet lil'message to you and he's killed two birds with one stone - (1) hooked her up with some face time and (2) placated you with 3 or 4 lines of morning mush. But, if indeed you're his [only] lady he needs to go AT LEAST one step further and hear your voice and let you hear his! Have we forgotten Destiny's Child's - "SAY MY NAME."]
I think you need to bring up some of his behavior to him. Don't tell him that you've got an inside source that said he might be hurting inside, just mention a few things to him and see if that will start a converstaion. Find out why he does the things that he does. See where that leads you. If he's been hurt then - he's been hurt, he's got to find a way to get past that if in fact, that is what is fueling his actions.

The hurt aside, he's not treating you like his girlfriend at this point. If, after 15 months you are NOT The Girlfriend - then you all are just friends with benefits. The whole quiet, vague and distant when you all are together and alone bothers me, especially when he acts like he's "on the scene" when you are around his Boyz and he's all over you. He sounds like... well... like he frontin' big-time. When he needs to puff up his chest around his crew and the girl on his arm is The Cutie-on-Duty, he's all about you. Yet, when the time TRULY counts he's luke warm at best, spotty with the attention, and texting you while he waits for his toast to pop up.
Feel him out. If he's lax on The Luv because he's been hurt, then maybe you all can talk him into giving you some REAL attention, but if he's just keeping you around and at arms length because you're a Hottie - GO BE HOT FOR SOMEONE THAT IS GONNA' BE ABOUT YOU 24/7!!!
Much Love, My Sister-

CHUCK: First, a quibble. "He is considered a " in our hometown." What? A stallion? A wimp? A platypus? At first I thought that my partner, in his zeal to transcribe your email, had left out some crucial information. But no, he has assured me that he cut-n-pasted your question verbatim. I know that we here at WHATAREMENTHINKING are hardly aces at editing and proofreading, but I would ask anyone, please review your question before you submit it to us to make sure we're getting all the facts that we need to answer you. Thanks.

As for your question, Garland's again on the money here. Dude may not be mistreating you, but he's not entirely acting like a boyfriend, either. It seems as though he is intentionally trying to keep you at arm's length. He dodges personal questions, behaves distantly, tries to keep you tied down with a morning text (which takes all of, what, twenty seconds?), and disappears for days on end. All in all, he's not really giving you a lot to base a future on.

He has been scarred royally? I'll refrain from saying, "who hasn't?" (actually I didn't refrain, did I?) But if that was the case, one would like to think that he would have a little sensitivity about how he has been treating you. Because, really two weeks of no contact after "bonding" just isn't cool. I wonder if he's just using his past as an excuse to take his revenge, using you as a proxy for the girl who really hurt him. It has been known to happen.

Either way, you are self-described as intelligent, funny, open, and honest. Talk to this man about some of these things that are bothering you. Don't make it an inquisition. Keep it light. But be decisive that this is behavior that you are concerned about. Depending on his response, you may have to make it the Dreaded Where-do-we-stand talk. And if that's how it has to be, so be it. You deserve better from him. Straight-no-chaser.


TJ said...

Wake up TEXT? Whoo. Yeah, y'all need to talk. Slowly. Extensively. Repeatedly.

Chuck and Garland said...

Hey TJ,

When folks start to accept minimal effort - minimal effort is what they are going to get. I wish I could kinda' shake this young lady and really let her know that this guy is spoon-feeding her his time.


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