Same Old Game

QUESTION: Hi what are men thinking team, I am a little confused what are men thinking when they are around you for a few years nothing has changed and suddenly this year he says I am important in his life more than I know. Yet it goes for weeks having no time to even speak for a minute on the phone.

What does he want? I have tried asking this question he said we will chat, that was weeks ago. I do not push quite happy if he just pisses off if that is what he wants.

We are intimate only sees each other when he can spare an hour in a blue moon. Yet we are close when we are together. Sounds blooney to you I am sure. I am giving up. Do I have to tell him I am moving on or do I just close this door and move on?

He tends to suddenly sms me out of the blue once in awhile not yet this month. He did sms and said he did not want to lose me. Does he mean he just wants to string me for another year and another? I am a young 49 yr old, and he is a fit 54 yrs old. I am well balanced emotionally easy to live with and loving, have an independent 21 yr daughter. I do not need him at all. But I like him a great deal and we are good together. I am happy to let go but I do not understand silence and cowardly motives. Can you help?

GARLAND: Uh, okay. Thanks for the question. Honestly, I'm having a bit of a time understanding your question: You have a guy that you've known a while, then he changes but won't tell you how he's changed, but you're intimate with him and you don't need him but you're good together but he's a coward. I'm so sorry - but I think I am completely lost.

I think from what I can piece together, your man is all over the place with his feelings about you. If this is the case, then you need to sit him down alone and make him talk to you. If he keeps putting you off then tell him that you can't be bothered with him anymore. If he can find time to be 'intimate' with you, then he can find the time to be respectful enough to talk and listen to you! We only do what you ladies allow us to - REMEMBER THAT!

CHUCK: Yeah, it's kind of like that old joke: How do you keep a nitwit in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. Ah, yes, comedy...
I'm not trying to call you a nitwit, by any means, since you are aware you're being played on some level. But his principal is the same as the joke: Lay some vague bait out for you, and see how long he can string you out for it with no payoff. You are more important in his life than you know? But he can't even spare you the time for a phone call? Come on. You know this guy's full of shit.
Simply, he wants you to endlessly wait for him to tell you what he really wants, while you give up the goodies to him on demand. This is nothing new. What I find distressing, however, is the fact that this man is 54 years old, and you are 49. One of the beliefs that I've held onto since Garland and I started this blog, was that, at some point, maybe by the time you hit the half-century mark, all these deceitful games would fall by the wayside. But obviously, in your case, they haven't. This fifty-plus man is running the same weak game as the peers of your 21-year-old daughter. Sigh.
Anyway, I'll be brief. If you are fine with continuing to see this man, only on his terms, Then by all means, do so. You're a grown woman. However, unless he makes a serious attitude adjustment, you have no reason to believe that he has stronger feelings for you than any other booty call. Your instincts say give up. Your instincts sound good to me.


Pamela said...

Chuck I totally agree with you. will be 49 in less than a month. My tolerance for madness like this ended in my 20s. Basically I have never had any tolerance for that foolishness. Either he was straight with me or I left the rascal alone. I have not regretted my approach.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Just stumbled onto your blog.

My 2 cents: if she enjoys the occasional sexual companionship and no one else is on the horizon, then stop trying to turn the relationship into more than what it is.

Frankly, at 48, most men her age and older will leap over her to spend time with a woman 3/4 her age and sexual opportunities with someone halfway decent thin out considerably.

Since he hardly ever sees her, she has plenty of time to meet and try to develop other relationships, and workout at the gym or do whatever she might need to do to hang onto youthful attractiveness. She may look great, but fact is, most men will opt for okay 35 over a great 48.

I'd bet the bank that this guy will NEVER commit to her based on his actions to date. To hang around waiting for him to do so is nothing short of wasting time. This doesn't mean she can't enjoy an occasional frolic the way he's been with her, unless it's a pride thing.

The thing about pride, however, is that her alternative will be sitting around horny when she doesn't have to. To me, this is more foolish than to expect commitment from a man who clearly isn't interested in it. My advice goes for women half your age too, but in middle age, it's even more important to heed since time is not your friend.

If you read this, sistah, good luck, and for God's sake, keep looking if you want a full time partner.

Clarice said...

Great job guys as always -
"Your instincts say give up. Your instincts sound good to me." Pay attention to them - you are asking a question because on some level you 'feel' something is not quite 'right' i.e. in sync with what you want, disrespectful. Trust those instincts and pay attention - consciously decide what you want long and short term and ask where he fits based on that and then roll out. If as has been said in the short term he meets a 'need' effectively then - recognize that for what it is - it is what it is - no more no less, without slowing your progress to your long term goals. Keeping this situation in perspective - grounded in the here and now; and not 'seeing the potential', frees you to pursue other options with that are more inline with your long term needs and wants. Sounds like your instincts are saying quit giving it up as it stands now - because he is being disrespectful. Fix that! Re-negotiate it so that you are being treated fairly and with the respect you deserve - if you choose to keep it going to meet a 'need', or even if you just want to remain friends w/out benefits. A little bit of feel good goes along way but not far enough to let a friend disrespect you. No 'need' is worth - disrespecting yourself or allowing yourself to be disrespected.



TJ said...

You guys answered this beautifully.

In my mind I'm hearing thoughts like, "Huh? For real? 49 and 54? For Real? Dang," because like Pamela, I was past this stuff by the time I graduated college. To each his or her own though.