Browsin' for Hookers

QUESTION: How can a guy be so thoughtful and considerate on one hand and then be making phone calls to call girls on the other?

I don't know if appointments are being set up. I doubt it because I know (or I think I know) how much money he's making. Yes, there are definite trust issues. He was caught emailing these call girls and said it was just the thought of what they will do that turns him on. He asked for pictures, which is a turn on for him, as well. He finds it naughty.

So, he was caught sending the emails. I told him I don't care how much porn he looks at, just no personal contact. So, now he's gone to calling them. How much longer before just talking to them won't be enough? We've been together off and on for almost 5 years. Definitely on for almost 2. He does and says very thoughtful things -- he takes very good care of me. We have a very active and great sex life. I just don't understand what drives him to call whores....obviously I'm not giving him something he thinks he needs. How can he tell me how much he loves me and then call these girls????

CHUCK: I feel the need to be blunt here. Although I am speaking as a man who has never "paid for it" (I'm not saying that to brag, I just fear disease and arrest), I can say some things about your boyfriend with a good deal of certainty.

- If he's of a mind to hire a prostitute, he can conceal the transaction. That money he was saving in his jewelry box to buy a new set of golf clubs? That's the hooker fund now. That innocuous-looking charge on his Visa? The girl he called to his room in Atlantic City. That check his parents gave him for his birthday? All gone to the girls selling it on Craigslist. We find a way to buy the things we want to buy.

- He's probably not just sending emails. WTH? Who just emails a hooker? What do you say? "Hey, Brandi. How ya doin'? Just dropped you a line to see if you were still doing half-and-halfs. How much were those again? Okay, well, TTFN. Say hi to your mom." Come on. There are too many guys trolling the internet looking to get busy for hookers to waste time on tourists and window-shoppers.

- Most importantly, his whore-browsing probably has nothing to do with you. Some people can be in safe, long-term, monogamous relationships, and still crave sex with a stranger. It may be for sexual reasons (something new with someone new), or it may be the excitement of the risk involved (i.e., getting caught, the aforementioned disease and arrest factors). You say you have a great, active sex life. That doesn't mean he won't be curious about someone else.

Does any of this make your man less "thoughtful and considerate?" Hmm, yep. You've voiced your objections, and ultimately, he's pursuing, or has pursued, a fetish that could put your lives together at risk. You should call him out on this, and demand nothing less than total honesty regarding his actions. Then decide if this is something you can continue to deal with.

GARLAND: You know, out of this whole letter you know the one thing that leaps out the loudest at me - the line that reads "obviously I'm not giving him something that he thinks he needs." Why in heaven's name are YOU making his problem YOUR FAULT?

Just bare with me for a second here - your Man is E-Mailing and calling and texting and who-knows-what-else'ing with women you claim are whores and YOU are trying to justify it by taking the blame. Please stop playing this made-for-TV-role and point the damn finger where it should be pointing - AT YOUR FREAKY SNEAKY BOYFRIEND

This is quite a question, I tell you. I think your situation is kinda' amazing. YOU are actually pretty understanding, all things considered. You are just curious about why he's curious. You are not calling him your "ex," you are not worried about catching an STD or HIV, you are not worrying about how much money he's spending, you're not mad that he's probably cheating on you, you don't care what kind of sex he's into with some of these women - you just want to know how he can say he loves you and then call prostitutes.

Here's your answer: EASY.

People only do what YOU let them do. If you don't throw his ass out of the window when you find him asking for pictures of sex-trade workers, then he knows it's okay to do so. When you dismiss your man's deep curiosity with the lifestyles and games of women who have sex for money, then obviously you really don't have a problem with it.

Now don't get what I just said confused with my opening comment. It is NOT your fault that he is curious about call girls, but that fact that you basically look the other way is doing nothing to make him want to stop.

Let me put it this way - out of all the married guys I know, 99% of them could not do ANY of what your boyfriend is doing and still walk around with a wedding band on - or walk around BREATHING AIR for that much! You are being REALLY patient with a man that is really being disrespectful to you. Lets be real, he's telling you some innocent sounding BS. If he's going as far as E-Mailing and calling these women, believe me - he's NOT interested in their favorite color or who they voted for or what college basketball team they follow.

Your man doesn't sound truly ready for a committed relationship. That doesn't make him a bad person, but it does waste your time if you want a monogomous relationship. If you let him do it and you stay in the 'relationship' with him, then nothing is going to make him stop. He's showing you what he's about, nothing more / nothing less. He's got a thing for prostitutes and I'm sure he's already acted on it. I'm honestly curious as to how you would feel if the women he was talking to were'nt "working girls" - I mean, what if these were women he worked with, or carpooled with or just knew from the neighborhood? Would you be angry? There's really no difference... at least not from a fidelity standpoint, cheating is cheating. But uh, your man is doing exactly what he wants to and as long as you pretend it's an innocent vice he will continue. Your thoughts and concerns mean nothing to him.

WEAR CONDOMS! The life you save will be your own.


TJ said...

Great advice as usual. Chuck almost made me spray the monitor with that para about keeping in touch with prostitutes, though. :) Like Garland said, it's not about her, it's about him.

Clarice said...

Spot on guys- great advice.

This situation is all about him - his needs, his wants - his self serving, self directed only for self regard actions. Take a page out of his book and be about self - your self esteem, self protection and self preservation.

This 'man' is putting your health at risk by effectively exposing you to every client these pro's have been with. Get yourself checked and provide for your own protection. Regardless as to what you decide to do about the situation - you have to be healthy to enjoy anything.

elizabeth said...

"Please stop playing this made-for-TV-role and point the damn finger where it should be pointing - AT YOUR FREAKY SNEAKY BOYFRIEND".

This is one of the funniest lines I have ever read.
But seriously, great advise guys. SMH. Why do women continue to lie to themselves. It is mindblowing the number of women who can hold their own in almost every situation EXCEPT when it involves the men in their lives.