QUESTION: Hi, I have to say I love this site... only just came across it and its very informative. I would like to ask you about a situation I am in.
I started seeing a guy 3 months ago, we met on an online dating site. It was very fast paced, a little too fast for my liking and I have to admit I did sleep with him straight away as I had not had sex in 5 years. For 3 weeks it was good, he never really called or texted much, but I kept contact as I was keen, you know the early days stuff lol. Well 3 weeks in, he calls and says (after no contact for 3 days) that he thinks that things won't work as I don't like the same music as him and we are too different. Well after chatting for a while he changed his mind, I only said to him, well I can't change how he feels about this, but how you know this after 3 weeks is beyond me.
So we tried again. (note: he was talking marriage kids etc within the first 3 weeks) Another month passed, the sex was amazing when I saw him which on average was 1-2 times a week, we would average 5 - 8 times in one night. I started to grow feelings for him, and well one day he sat me down and said, he just wanted to be friends, I was devastated, I had supported him through some rough patches and we got along generally and the sex was great, so what was the problem??? I said yet again, well I can't change how you feel, he said well he only felt romantic towards me about 56% of the time. I said well if this is what you want you will need to give me time to get my head around it as I can't be intimate then friends over night, but then he said he didn't want to lose me as he knew that if he did this he would lose me (he was right as I have already dealt with this before and well it hurts too much to be just friends) He asked if he could hug me, I said no as I would break down if he did, but as I was about to leave, I felt dizzy and had to sit down on his bed, I then started getting somewhat emotional and said he could hug me, we both broke down in tears, he sobbed more than I did, so much so I had his tears all over my face. We then looked into each others eyes for over an hour and he said there must be something there look at us. Then we agreed to not put a label on anything and take one day at a time. We also had sex after this.
Over the next couple of months, I would get insecure and I would have an outburst, I know this is not good, and of course it would push him away, he rarely calls, he hasn't really since the beginning and well the rest will tell the story.
I have seen him for one weekend in the last month, it was an arranged weekend, he suggested, although initially he suggested a week together, but with my time constraints I said how about we do a weekend. So the day before the weekend comes, and he sends me a text saying he has been asked to work friday and saturday night, and that he has said yes to saturday night, but wanted to talk to me about friday night. I was in the car when I got this msg, and at first I was so angry, but by the time I got home and knowing he has struggled lately financially, I said to him on msn, well why don't you work both nights and I will pick you up and go back to his. He was thrilled about that I must add. The weekend was great, he decided to ask me to come to his work on the friday night on a boat he works on. It was lovely, and he worked saturday night and said he missed me not being there it didn't feel the same, the only downfall was his work mate would come after work both nights, so we didn't really get quality time together, but while his friend was there, he would always touch me rub my back and look into my eyes with gooey eyes. The sex was pretty good that weekend too I must add, although he is starting to not help if I don't get satisfied.
The day after the weekend, I asked him about a movie as I was in a dvd store and wanted to know the name of it, anyway he had a week before he was starting his new job, and I said to him, if he isn't doing anything and wants company to just give me a yell, his response was, oh I want some space and to just play video games and catch up with some mates. I was so irritated by this, not because he wanted his time, but it felt like an outright rejection, I said to him it was not pressure just a suggestion. He would have space a lot I might add.
I had yet another outburst, as from the 3rd week from going out I have felt like he has less interest in me, I did bust him trying to chat another lady up on online dating saying he would let me down gently, then was very apologetic and wanted to make it up to me.. but last week when I tried to confirm arrangements he was making for a concert, he said he was not enthused about the concert anymore as his ex and her new guy would be going to it, and if i minded that we didn't go, my automatic response was, you are not over this girl. My anger got larger, and I texted him a couple of times saying I think its time to talk, he would ignore them so I got really angry and said, I just can't do this anymore, it was great but I can't hold onto false hope and that I would pick my stuff up soon. Well we got to talk online that afternoon and I basically said to him that if he wants out the door that I can open it for him, and his response was and I wouldn't see you again... I like you but I will never be head over heels in love... wow that has played on my mind since, I did admit my outburst was over the top and that it comes down to my own fears, and he did sympathise... he later told me that he hasn't given up on me yet, but basically everytime I talk to him on msn, it takes him like 20 minutes to respond unless he is talking about himself and his new job. So I have not contacted him for the past three days as I want to change the dynamics, and I want him to show his interest in me if its truly there, what the hell should I do? I really like this guy, but I am afraid that he is just stringing me along, its a case of a lot of mixed messages, yet he has said straight out that he wont' ever be head over heels in love with me, and then later admitting he is not over his ex and they broke up 3 years ago. Am I wasting my time, I know he has appreciated me being there for him in bad times, but he doesn't make a lot of effort, although while we were not getting along he brought me a gift. I am soo confused, its probably evident.. any advice would be wonderful thanks, I am 35 years old and he is 38... I have to note too the ex he is talking about was 17 when he was 33, they lived together for 2 years, she dumped him after he had an accident and ended up in a wheel chair for six months for another guy that was his friend too... he has had friends with benefits since, I don't want to be that.
He has admitted that she was the one he was most in love with and that is why he treads carefully... ahhhhh Thanks so much
GARLAND: I usually try to find a hint of a silver lining in the questions that come to me and Chuck, but I can't in this one... and there is so much in this question! First, I'd like to say that these long long long questions full of little details like which DVD he wanted, how he had to work late on a Friday, how he didn't want to go to the concert, and how he cried and looked into you eyes for an hour - while cathartic to you, they tend to hide the real issues at hand. I think sometimes people tend to try and study each little tree and have no idea that they are looking at a forest.
Well, upfront I'd like to say thanks for dropping us a line, and hopefully someone reading this will take our answer to heart and save themselves some serious drama.
You are being nothing more than your own worst enemy here. If your guy is giving you good sex - take it and run! You are NOT getting anything more from this fellow - aside from heartache and maybe an STD or a little HIV threat. All of this foolish bullcrap that he has been giving you is only validated by the fact that you are taking it to heart and acting like he is speaking true gospel to you. HE only likes you 56% of the time; HE and you like different music so he can't be with you; HE stills feels for his ex*; HE is so confused; HE'd rather play with his X-Box 360 than chill with you and HE cries endlessly in your arms because he is so torn... this is some World Class Bulls-it you've gotten into with this fellow and you guys are GROWN FOLKS! You're in your 30's and he's almost 40!!! As I read your question, I figured you all were 20 and 21 and still trying to figure the dating thing out!!!
Please wait a second while I go barf...
Okay, (yuck) I'm back. Please stop the BS with this guy. He has issues and he is pulling you neck deep into them. HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE YOU, HE IS NEVER GOING TO VALUE YOU AS A WOMAN, HE IS NEVER GOING TO MARRY YOU... He just wants [for the most part] the sex you are giving him. I think you should take that as the most you are going to get from him - sans bullcrap.
Listen, this guy has issues. And you are buying into them. WHOLESALE buying into them too! You are letting him twist you up into a ball of confusion and mixed feelings. Please take that control from him and get your self together WOMAN! You are letting him make a fool of you. You like the "nookie" - let that be enough until you find a real man that doesn't bring so much BS to the table. But keep in mind - if you can't take the heat [form being with him] then walk away - stay out of the kitchen, lose this dude's... uh, dud's number and tell him to hit the bricks. You are just wasting your time.
*and another thing... for this guy to tell you that he is hung up on a girl that was 17 and living with him when he was 33!?!?!? Let me tell you and ANY other ladies reading this now - when a man pulls some shit like this... leave his loser ass alone. Now, let me say that again - when a grown man, past the age of 21, lives with a 17 year old GIRL - he has problems and he will bring those problems to YOUR LIFE. Leave his ass alone! For a man of 33 to be living with, sharing a life with, having sex with a 17 year old GIRL, he is a pedophile and he has serious social issues that cannot be helped or cured with the "love of a good woman" that so many women feel they have and can be used to cure ANY man's ills. When a GROWN man PREYS on a GIRL, he is telling the world, and listen good here ladies... he is telling the world "I cannot relate to a mature woman who is close to my age. I cannot create a reasonable relationship with a woman my own age and therefore I must use my age as a tool to impress and thereby draw-in young girls who believe womanhood is thrust upon them by my mere presence and age. A mature woman would see right through me if she was gifted with a reasonable amount of sense and self esteem."
Chuck, am I right, or am I right?CHUCK: Garland, you are too, too right, my friend. Writer, this guy doesn't love you. He doesn't really even love this ex-girlfriend he obsesses over. She's a crutch for him, because he only loves himself. He wants to keep you around for commitment-free sex, and to listen to him whine, but can't be bothered to show you any consideration. And you hang in there because he pays lip service to being in a relationship, or he buys you a gift. But he's not going to change the fundamental neglect he shows you. So you have "outbursts" that don't help you, or make him think any better of you.
The thing is, he has, against his best interests, let you know just how little he cares for you. He only feels romantic towards you 56% of the time?! What kind of bullshit is that? Not 50%, not 55%, but 56% of the time. How nice that he could break it down for you that exactly. But when he tells you something like that, or he tells you that he wants just a platonic + sex relationship. and you hang around, he will assume that your self-esteem is just low enough that he can push you even further, be even more neglectful, and you'll go along.
Sidebar: You seem to think it was a big deal that this man was talking about marriage and children in the first three weeks. It's not that big a deal. This is called the Hook. People talk a lot in the early stages of relationships, feeling each other out. A guy will assume that he can get a lot further with a female if he shoots some vague, non-committal marriage and kid talk her way, just to make her think that he's not just a creep scamming for booty. Does he mean it? Maybe, maybe not. In this case, certainly, he was just blowing smoke.
What should you do? If you want to just be with him for the sex (which seems to be turning more and more into the jump-off variety), then stick with it. You're within your rights. But if the f-buddy route is not for you, if you want more than this guy has repeatedly shown and told you he can give you, then let your next outburst blow you straight out of his life.