Lies, Lies, and More Lies

QUESTION: First, I love your blog, and thanks for the honesty.

Now, here is my situation. I am 19 years old and I have been in a relationship with a 27 year old for two years. We met on a phone chat line. After six months of dating, I find out that Mr. X is really Mr. Y. The excuse he gave was that I was a minor when we got together, but I was an adult the next month.

Whats with the fake name?

If that is the truth, why did he wait so long to tell me?

I didnt leave because I had fallen head over heels. Two months later, I meet his girlfriend of one year. They both tell me that their relationship is long over and neither of them knew how to end it. I also learn that he has an eleven year old child, with someone else. And to make things worse, I learn that my 27 year old boyfriend is 32years old!?! I am in love, and I stay.

Since then, our relationship has blossomed. He has done everything possible to regain my trust. He expresses his love for me time and time again through romance, chivalry, and other kind gestures. I have now been 3 hours away at school for the past year. After spending spring break with him, I returned to school, and we argued everyday for two weeks. He said it was because he didnt want me to go, but I find that hard to believe. We may have sex once every other month, if that due to our separation, oh yeah, he's a truck driver. So, he is not with me because of hot sex with a young girl.

He is begging me to come home because he misses me. He now speaks of marriage and kids. Can a man of his age love me? Want to marry me? Are there alternative motives?

GARLAND: To answer your last three questions, Yes, yes and yes. But do I think this is the case with your situation? Read the rest of my answer and you decide.

I think by him starting your relationship by lying to you, chances are good that he will always lie to you. It seems to be his "go to" technique when he wants things to go his way.

For a 30 year old man to be trolling phone chat lines and luring in 17 year old girls - he sounds like a sick, sick, socially twisted perv. A NORMAL 30 year old man would be ashamed to be trying to woo a girl that age. And then for him to lie and say, "Oh, I'm 27 baby." It leads me to think that he has SIGNIFICANT problems with women in his own age group. He probably can't maintain a reasonable relationship with a woman a few years older or younger than himself. That is a major red flag!

I know you probably won't like the tone of this answer, because I am using your age as a negative when it comes to your 32 year old beau. But, I think you need a splash of honesty from an older man - for once.

I'm really bothered by the fact that a 32 year old man with a kid that's only a few years younger than you is claiming to be lonely and missing you and is "begging you to come home to be with him!" That sounds like some childish/selfish non-sense! A decent man that really cared about you... well, first of all he wouldn't have been lying to you... secondly, he would encourage you to be with someone closer to your own age... and well, thirdly - he would not ask you to leave a golden opportunity like COLLEGE, to come sit at home to keep him company [when he's not on the road lying to and seducing other young women!]

Basically, this guy started with lies... lies about his name and his age and his paternal status, and then the ex-girlfriend that didn't know how to end things. This whole deal sounds like some made-for-tv drama!

In my humble little opinion - if you buy into this guy's predatorial hype and marry him, in say a year or two, you will drop out of college and become the STEP-MOM to a teenager; you will be at home alone with his kid six months out of the year because Ol'Perv is on the road FULLFILLING HIS DREAM by being a trucker; You won't go back to school because he'll probably get you pregnant as soon as humanly possible, that way you'll be even less likely to ever leave him and you'll be busy as h*ll juggling two children; and to make things worse, hubby-dearest will probably still be trying to satisfy his taste for younger women while on the road - so heaven only knows what he'll be bringing back home to you!

Just remember, your first loyalty is to YOURSELF. You are young, working towards an education and a lot of potential. Think carefully about the steps you take and the decisions you make today and look with a VERY critical eye at the impact they will make on your life years down the road.

CHUCK: This man has sought to play you for a fool from the very beginning. Maybe the reason that he's on the hunt for barely-legal young women may not just be a perv thing. It might also be that a woman his age might be a little more hip to the game that he's running.

I have had to adjust my opinion over the years. I thought the professions with the biggest cheaters were either police officers or military personnel. But to that list, today I'd also add truck driver. These guys can lead a semi-rootless existence that will bring out the worst in some men, in terms of cheating and deception. Your Mr. X/Y is holding true to that stereotype.

I won't belabor the obvious here. Should you have dumped him when you found out that he lied to you for two months? Yes. Can you trust him now? No. Will he lie to you again? Yes. Does he have ulterior motives for asking you to marry him? Absolutely. He doesn't want to marry you so much as he wants to nail you down. He wants you as his wife, and, as Garland says, the mother of his child. You graduating college and advancing yourself is unimportant to him. He just needs someone at home to wash his clothes while he's on the road, checking out other underaged women.

A good, mutually beneficial adult relationship is built on shared interest and attraction. The main thing that you and Mr. X/Y had in common was lying (his willingness to do so, yours to believe them). And I'm thinking that the acts of contrition (the chivalry, etc.) that he performed, were just acts. Maintain your long distance relationship with him if you like, but I think you know this guy ain't good for marriage or anything like it.

The Adventures of "Captain Save-A-Hoe"

I have a dilemma.

My husband and his ex have an "unnatural" relationship. Well, it's not that serious but I'm not sure what else to call it.

I want the communication to end. They have a child together but I don't think their conversation should go beyond that. She has no other friends. They have all dropped off one by one because you can only tell someone something so many times before you snap because they REFUSE to hear you. He is the only one that doesn't tell her that she's a stupid bitch for getting pregnant on purpose trying to trap a guy. He is the only one that told her that it was okay to buy a house when she can't even keep food in the rental she had. So naturally she feels comfortable sharing with him that she is now pregnant for the 7th time by the 6th father. I had to practically pull teeth to get him to tell me that (I'll come back to this in a minute).

Just as you all are thinking, I thought he was hiding it from me because hell froze over and that kid was his. He has sworn to me, on our daughter's life, that there is nothing going on between them. I believe him because if nothing else he is too superstitious, for lack of a better term, to lie and then offer up the life of our daughter.

To make a long story short, I am beyond uncomfortable with their relationship. He shows me his text messages and she NEVER calls or texts to say something about their daughter. She depends on him for her emotional well being too often. He thinks it's his job because she is unstable. She doesn't deal with stress well and he is afraid that she would do something to the children. I told him that I did not marry Captain Save-A-Hoe and it is NOT his job to be her therapist. I try not to push it because in the off chance that she actually did do something to their child he would NEVER forgive me.

I (try) trust him but I don't trust her or the situation. He showed me emails from her last year "hinting" that they should do something on the down-low...saying that she was having dreams about him. He said that she was just trying to make daddy of 5 and 6 jealous. Apparently, he doesn't recognize the game she's playing. He didn't tell me at the time because he knew that I would get at that ass. I still did. Of course she denied it...that he was just "imagining" things to make himself feel like a man. Naw, naw boo, I read it in your own words. He says that I should trust him in spite of what she has tried to do. I try for the most part but you know how guys came be. A couple of sad stories and "no body loves me", toss in a few "no man has ever (insert compliment here) like you, then add in a few tears, the next thing you know you are adopting her kids, you have three more and they are combining both of your names into one nickname.

What I meant to come back too was that getting information from him is like pulling teeth is because she asks him to not tell me things. WTF?! I am his wife. WE are supposed to be best friends and he is supposed to tell me everything. Our relationship is suffering because I feel like he is lying to me for her. I know it's his way of keeping the peace, but fuck her! He doesn't seem to realize that is her way of keeping us from being closer, because you can't be truly connected if there are lies or secrets between you.

I've tried to explain my feelings to him the best I know how. He says that he will "ween" off contact with her. This is unacceptable to me. Why should her feelings matter more than mine because she is on anti-depressants? Do I have to "wild out" so that he shows concern for me? Fuck that!

Wow, I was supposed to be making this shorter, lol. Anyway, so he turns to me and in the sincerest voice ever says, "You can have anything you want, you just have to know how to ask for it." I mean what the hell? I am not a game player. If I want something, I ask for it. I don't try to trick him into thinking an idea was his when I know that it was mine. I don't cry to get sympathy.

This is where you guys come in. How do I explain that we are in a dire situation now? That if this continues that I am prepared to file for divorce? Another woman can not come before me in MY marriage no matter if that makes her want to slit her wrists. Am I cold to not care?

Sorry so long. I just wanted you to have some background so that you can give the best advice possible. Thank you in advance for you answer.

CHUCK: My wife and I have always agreed that it's a good thing that neither of us have any kids outside of our marriage. And your situation is the main reason we say that. You have a woman of dubious character, using her connection with your husband (their child, and whatever emotional hold she still has on him) to get between the two of you. Your husband is stupidly allowing himself to be used, oblivious to the fact that you are reaching your breaking point. Something is gonna have to give soon.

I don't have too much to say about babymama. Straight up, she's a hoodrat, and they're called that for a reason. She has the morals and ethics of a rat, which is to say, none. Six children with six men and another on the way, leaning on another woman's husband for her emotional support, asking him to keep secrets from you, flat-out coming on to him, possibly dropping hints that she would do something to her children. She is freakin' worthless. You know it, I know it, even he knows it. There's no point in discussing her much further. You know where she's coming from.

What I'd like to discuss is your husband's response to this onslaught. He has kept secrets from you. He has lied with the things he has said and didn't say. He has allowed her to take time and attention away from you and your family. He's brushed off her advances, but still keeps her suggestive emails. As you say, WTF?

There are many things that make a man think he should be Captain Save-A-Hoe. Some of them are unselfish. Your husband wants to protect his daughter, make sure she's safe in her environment. He wants to make sure her obviously shaky mom doesn't go off the rails entirely. But there are selfish reasons men try to be the Captain, too. They may feed off the drama. They may like to be looked on as the hero. They may like the ego massage they get. They may like getting other things massaged.

Your husband has sworn to you on you daughter's life, that he's been faithful. Okay. One hopes he wouldn't play with stuff like that. But if he has been faithful physically, I question whether he has been mentally. He could be keeping those emails to protect himself, or he may whip them out for the occasional cheap thrill.

Either way, he needs to speed up that "weaning" process he's talking about. And you need to, one more time, let him know just how serious you are. There are ways you can do that that may require some sacrifice on your part. If he feels his daughter is in any way unsafe with her mother, maybe he should go to court and seek to have their custody arrangement changed. That might be more than you are willing to commit to, and it might make matters worse, but at least think about it. Let him know that his behavior has damaged the trust between you, and things will have to change. Don't say, "or else," but make your meaning clear.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

So, you're married to The Captain? I'm trying to figure out how long it would have taken my wife to sit me down and lay out The Law to me if she were in your shoes. Not long, probably. So let's get you started.

Like Chuck said, even if there isn't any physical cheating going on, there is a certain amount of emotional cheating on your hubby's part. He should NOT be keeping ANY secrets from YOU! Especially not secrets with his ex-lover - that is just insane! If she is telling/asking him to keep secrets from you, all she is really doing is testing his loyalty, and creating their own little special place of things THEY share with each other and NOT with you. That is how people come between married folks. She is clearly dividing his loyalty and I'm willing to bet that deep down she's getting off on it. To take a married man, and then get him to make promises to you, OVER his wife, clearly makes him put his concerns for her before you. To some people - that is a major coup.

I am a tad bit doubtful that your husband is sleeping with his ex. It seems to me that if he was, she would go out of her way to get proof of it and then throw it back in your face. Then, if you divorce him, he'd have no choice [in her eyes] but to come back to her. This is just my little opinion. But, by asking him to keep secrets, and sending him freaky-sneaky text messages, and playing the role of the lost little lamb needing the brave Shepard to guide her - she is laying the groundwork for bigger things. He needs to put her at arms length as soon as possible.

I'm probably stepping way out here, but if his main reason for keeping in touch with old girl is the safety of his child with her, then he needs to consider taking primary custody of his kid. Guys sort of kill me when they hook up with a woman with multiple kids and then drop another one on her and then they get all 'protective' and start boasting about 'the environment their kid is being raised in.' These guys [and I'm sorry to say, your husband too, probably] knew what 'the environment' was all about when they were getting these women pregnant. So, these dad's that get all puffy in the chest over how their babies are being raised - they need to make better decisions about themselves and the women they are so willing to sex-up and knock-up! Handle your business on the front end better, and all will be squared away on the back end!!!

Sorry, I kinda' went on a rant there...

But you need to really point out to him that her asking him to keep secrets from you is only serving to stroke HER ego and strain your marriage. If he's worried about his kid, then he needs to get more custody. If she's working on baby number 7, then I'm sure a reasonable judge will help him to get more custody of his child. [Please note that I said MORE not ALL, she'd have to be a truly awful human being to lose all custody of their child!] There are ways that he can block her text messages and E-Mails - he chooses NOT to do this, but he could if he wanted to. You need to pull him on this make him do it. He could also set his cell phone, probably, to route all of her calls to your house - that way you could monitor the volume of traffic between them and she could still have emergency access to him in case their child had some sort of problem. Sadly, for every one way he could limit his contact with her, there are three other ways she could still get to him. HE has to want to stop the extra communications! Right now, she's really stroking his ego and really making him feel needed - unless he works RIGHT NOW, to end the extra stuff with her, he probably never will.

She's certainly a shark, but that shark can't get your man unless he CHOOSES to get in the water. Right now, he's at the edge of the beach with his feet in the water, splashing around and looking towards deeper water.

Good luck-

Counting your blessings - today, tomorrow and forever

I just happened upon your blog, and it's so unque that I had to write you. I've been in an LDR for two years. Because I live in a very small town, I have very limited social opportunities and met this man on Match.com.

I am a woman with an independent income, attractive and popular, and he is a construction worker. This is the type of man I am attracted to, and money...or lack thereof..isn't a consideration for me. He has spent some time each month here with me, and I have spent time with him. It usually works out to only about three days a month, one way or the other.

During the course of our relationship, I have helped him financially to a great extent, which I don't regret. Recently, he has broken some promises to me but still asked for financial help. I told him that when I help him financially, it is to make "our" life together better, and I need to know I am a priority to him.

He has mentioned marriage, and several times I have suggested that I need to rent or buy a place near him so that we can spend time together to see if we're compatible in the long run. He has told me that "He likes to spend time with his buddys", the "He needs space" that "he doesn't know why he doesn't want to live together", that "when people spend too much time together, they get tired of each other".

As I write this, and begin to see the picture in retrospect, I feel foolish, When a person is too close to the situation, and when a woman is in love, it's nearly impossible to step back to reality. Good sense flies out the window.

I have not heard from him in four days, which is unusual, and haven't had the urge to call him. But still....my heart jumps when the phone rings...I feel if he should call I would cave in emotionally and not give any hint that I had been considering ending the relationship. I feel like an addict! Addicted to "love" or the idea of this man and I having a future together.

Do you have an encouraging message for me, or maybe validation that I should get out of this relationship? One the other hand, I may be over reacting, but I doubt it. Thanks so much

GARLAND: Thanks for sharing your question with us.

I have to say that I am so VERY glad to hear that you know that you are possibly in love with the 'idea of love' or the 'idea of you and this guy' having a relationship. So many people can't see the difference, so many people think that they LOVE this person, or this person LOVES them, or the LOVE they have is so great... but often times, people are simply blinded by the IDEA' of LOVE.

I think you are coming out much the better by this guy drifting out of your life. You gave him your time, you gave him your heart, and you gave him [some of] your money. Your time and your money you can never get back but your heart is still yours and I promise, it will heal. It may hurt a while, but it WILL heal!

I think he was probably never really up for a serious monogomous relationship. When we [MEN] start talking about "spending too much time together..." "needing to spend time with our buddies..." needing our space..." WE ARE SAYING, WE DON'T WANT TO BE TIED DOWN. WE DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU RIGHT NOW. WE'RE NOT TRYING TO GET TOO DEEP WITH YOU! That's our little way of saying, "Nope, it's not gonna' happen."

Another tad bit of information is the whole, "Investing in our future..." You can talk to a glass of water all day, but it won't become tea from your sweet voice. Telling him that you were investing in the two of you is a bit of relationship nonsense that I think ladies tend to TRULY believe in. I think you all figure that if you 'believe' in a future hard enough and you are willing to put cash in a man's hand under the guise of that belief, he will 'believe' in it too. 9 times out of 10, he won't.

That being said, GOOD FOR YOU, for being strong enough to let this guy fade into the wood work. I doubt that he was the worst person in the world, but he WAS NOT ready for a relationship, he got some of your time and some of your cash and I hope you got some laughs and a few good dates out of it - but he doesn't sound like a guy that is NEARLY ready for a grown up committment. Leave him in the past and keep your eyes open for the Good Guy that IS out there waiting for you. The one that wants YOU more than his buddies, the one that is willing to move closer to YOU and the one who enjoys his space more when YOU are in it!

CHUCK: I'll offer my agreement with Garland's answer, and also another piece of advice: Don't weaken. You have seen that this man has expressed little interest in moving out of the long distance relatioship phase. He's lightened up your pockets and given you a bunch of cliches. The realization has dawned on you that, not only has he not reciprocated your love, but what you felt may not really have been love at all. Great.

But your heart still leaps a bit when the phone rings. You're a romantic. And certain opportunistic men will try to play on that. So when he calls you a week, or a month from now (he will, it's inevitable), sweet-talking you and acting like you two just spoke yesterday, shut him down. I don't care how wistful or lonely you might feel.

I said in a post here a few months ago, that certain men can live in limbo for indefinite periods of time. He has shown no real urge to move your relationship forward, and that is unlikely to change. But as long as you're not holding his feet to the fire, and remain a soft touch for money, he'll string you along. If you're not happy in limbo, this guy is not the man for you. It's that simple.

Be thankful for your common sense and move on.