The Adventures of "Captain Save-A-Hoe"

I have a dilemma.

My husband and his ex have an "unnatural" relationship. Well, it's not that serious but I'm not sure what else to call it.

I want the communication to end. They have a child together but I don't think their conversation should go beyond that. She has no other friends. They have all dropped off one by one because you can only tell someone something so many times before you snap because they REFUSE to hear you. He is the only one that doesn't tell her that she's a stupid bitch for getting pregnant on purpose trying to trap a guy. He is the only one that told her that it was okay to buy a house when she can't even keep food in the rental she had. So naturally she feels comfortable sharing with him that she is now pregnant for the 7th time by the 6th father. I had to practically pull teeth to get him to tell me that (I'll come back to this in a minute).

Just as you all are thinking, I thought he was hiding it from me because hell froze over and that kid was his. He has sworn to me, on our daughter's life, that there is nothing going on between them. I believe him because if nothing else he is too superstitious, for lack of a better term, to lie and then offer up the life of our daughter.

To make a long story short, I am beyond uncomfortable with their relationship. He shows me his text messages and she NEVER calls or texts to say something about their daughter. She depends on him for her emotional well being too often. He thinks it's his job because she is unstable. She doesn't deal with stress well and he is afraid that she would do something to the children. I told him that I did not marry Captain Save-A-Hoe and it is NOT his job to be her therapist. I try not to push it because in the off chance that she actually did do something to their child he would NEVER forgive me.

I (try) trust him but I don't trust her or the situation. He showed me emails from her last year "hinting" that they should do something on the down-low...saying that she was having dreams about him. He said that she was just trying to make daddy of 5 and 6 jealous. Apparently, he doesn't recognize the game she's playing. He didn't tell me at the time because he knew that I would get at that ass. I still did. Of course she denied it...that he was just "imagining" things to make himself feel like a man. Naw, naw boo, I read it in your own words. He says that I should trust him in spite of what she has tried to do. I try for the most part but you know how guys came be. A couple of sad stories and "no body loves me", toss in a few "no man has ever (insert compliment here) like you, then add in a few tears, the next thing you know you are adopting her kids, you have three more and they are combining both of your names into one nickname.

What I meant to come back too was that getting information from him is like pulling teeth is because she asks him to not tell me things. WTF?! I am his wife. WE are supposed to be best friends and he is supposed to tell me everything. Our relationship is suffering because I feel like he is lying to me for her. I know it's his way of keeping the peace, but fuck her! He doesn't seem to realize that is her way of keeping us from being closer, because you can't be truly connected if there are lies or secrets between you.

I've tried to explain my feelings to him the best I know how. He says that he will "ween" off contact with her. This is unacceptable to me. Why should her feelings matter more than mine because she is on anti-depressants? Do I have to "wild out" so that he shows concern for me? Fuck that!

Wow, I was supposed to be making this shorter, lol. Anyway, so he turns to me and in the sincerest voice ever says, "You can have anything you want, you just have to know how to ask for it." I mean what the hell? I am not a game player. If I want something, I ask for it. I don't try to trick him into thinking an idea was his when I know that it was mine. I don't cry to get sympathy.

This is where you guys come in. How do I explain that we are in a dire situation now? That if this continues that I am prepared to file for divorce? Another woman can not come before me in MY marriage no matter if that makes her want to slit her wrists. Am I cold to not care?

Sorry so long. I just wanted you to have some background so that you can give the best advice possible. Thank you in advance for you answer.

CHUCK: My wife and I have always agreed that it's a good thing that neither of us have any kids outside of our marriage. And your situation is the main reason we say that. You have a woman of dubious character, using her connection with your husband (their child, and whatever emotional hold she still has on him) to get between the two of you. Your husband is stupidly allowing himself to be used, oblivious to the fact that you are reaching your breaking point. Something is gonna have to give soon.

I don't have too much to say about babymama. Straight up, she's a hoodrat, and they're called that for a reason. She has the morals and ethics of a rat, which is to say, none. Six children with six men and another on the way, leaning on another woman's husband for her emotional support, asking him to keep secrets from you, flat-out coming on to him, possibly dropping hints that she would do something to her children. She is freakin' worthless. You know it, I know it, even he knows it. There's no point in discussing her much further. You know where she's coming from.

What I'd like to discuss is your husband's response to this onslaught. He has kept secrets from you. He has lied with the things he has said and didn't say. He has allowed her to take time and attention away from you and your family. He's brushed off her advances, but still keeps her suggestive emails. As you say, WTF?

There are many things that make a man think he should be Captain Save-A-Hoe. Some of them are unselfish. Your husband wants to protect his daughter, make sure she's safe in her environment. He wants to make sure her obviously shaky mom doesn't go off the rails entirely. But there are selfish reasons men try to be the Captain, too. They may feed off the drama. They may like to be looked on as the hero. They may like the ego massage they get. They may like getting other things massaged.

Your husband has sworn to you on you daughter's life, that he's been faithful. Okay. One hopes he wouldn't play with stuff like that. But if he has been faithful physically, I question whether he has been mentally. He could be keeping those emails to protect himself, or he may whip them out for the occasional cheap thrill.

Either way, he needs to speed up that "weaning" process he's talking about. And you need to, one more time, let him know just how serious you are. There are ways you can do that that may require some sacrifice on your part. If he feels his daughter is in any way unsafe with her mother, maybe he should go to court and seek to have their custody arrangement changed. That might be more than you are willing to commit to, and it might make matters worse, but at least think about it. Let him know that his behavior has damaged the trust between you, and things will have to change. Don't say, "or else," but make your meaning clear.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question!

So, you're married to The Captain? I'm trying to figure out how long it would have taken my wife to sit me down and lay out The Law to me if she were in your shoes. Not long, probably. So let's get you started.

Like Chuck said, even if there isn't any physical cheating going on, there is a certain amount of emotional cheating on your hubby's part. He should NOT be keeping ANY secrets from YOU! Especially not secrets with his ex-lover - that is just insane! If she is telling/asking him to keep secrets from you, all she is really doing is testing his loyalty, and creating their own little special place of things THEY share with each other and NOT with you. That is how people come between married folks. She is clearly dividing his loyalty and I'm willing to bet that deep down she's getting off on it. To take a married man, and then get him to make promises to you, OVER his wife, clearly makes him put his concerns for her before you. To some people - that is a major coup.

I am a tad bit doubtful that your husband is sleeping with his ex. It seems to me that if he was, she would go out of her way to get proof of it and then throw it back in your face. Then, if you divorce him, he'd have no choice [in her eyes] but to come back to her. This is just my little opinion. But, by asking him to keep secrets, and sending him freaky-sneaky text messages, and playing the role of the lost little lamb needing the brave Shepard to guide her - she is laying the groundwork for bigger things. He needs to put her at arms length as soon as possible.

I'm probably stepping way out here, but if his main reason for keeping in touch with old girl is the safety of his child with her, then he needs to consider taking primary custody of his kid. Guys sort of kill me when they hook up with a woman with multiple kids and then drop another one on her and then they get all 'protective' and start boasting about 'the environment their kid is being raised in.' These guys [and I'm sorry to say, your husband too, probably] knew what 'the environment' was all about when they were getting these women pregnant. So, these dad's that get all puffy in the chest over how their babies are being raised - they need to make better decisions about themselves and the women they are so willing to sex-up and knock-up! Handle your business on the front end better, and all will be squared away on the back end!!!

Sorry, I kinda' went on a rant there...

But you need to really point out to him that her asking him to keep secrets from you is only serving to stroke HER ego and strain your marriage. If he's worried about his kid, then he needs to get more custody. If she's working on baby number 7, then I'm sure a reasonable judge will help him to get more custody of his child. [Please note that I said MORE not ALL, she'd have to be a truly awful human being to lose all custody of their child!] There are ways that he can block her text messages and E-Mails - he chooses NOT to do this, but he could if he wanted to. You need to pull him on this make him do it. He could also set his cell phone, probably, to route all of her calls to your house - that way you could monitor the volume of traffic between them and she could still have emergency access to him in case their child had some sort of problem. Sadly, for every one way he could limit his contact with her, there are three other ways she could still get to him. HE has to want to stop the extra communications! Right now, she's really stroking his ego and really making him feel needed - unless he works RIGHT NOW, to end the extra stuff with her, he probably never will.

She's certainly a shark, but that shark can't get your man unless he CHOOSES to get in the water. Right now, he's at the edge of the beach with his feet in the water, splashing around and looking towards deeper water.

Good luck-

1 comment:

TJ said...

I'd just like to say I dated one man with a kid. ONE. That experience shut it down for me, so I can't even imagine being married to this level of drama. The fact that he was involved with a woman on this level would have raised big red flags for me. I hope she take the you guys' advice and it works out.

Garland, you know you PREACHED A WORD for somebody when you talked about dudes who keep questionable company then want to puff out a chest when that stuff comes home to roost. You can't kick it with crazy and then expect domestic tranquility when you have kids with her.