I just happened upon your blog, and it's so unque that I had to write you. I've been in an LDR for two years. Because I live in a very small town, I have very limited social opportunities and met this man on Match.com.
I am a woman with an independent income, attractive and popular, and he is a construction worker. This is the type of man I am attracted to, and money...or lack thereof..isn't a consideration for me. He has spent some time each month here with me, and I have spent time with him. It usually works out to only about three days a month, one way or the other.
During the course of our relationship, I have helped him financially to a great extent, which I don't regret. Recently, he has broken some promises to me but still asked for financial help. I told him that when I help him financially, it is to make "our" life together better, and I need to know I am a priority to him.
He has mentioned marriage, and several times I have suggested that I need to rent or buy a place near him so that we can spend time together to see if we're compatible in the long run. He has told me that "He likes to spend time with his buddys", the "He needs space" that "he doesn't know why he doesn't want to live together", that "when people spend too much time together, they get tired of each other".
As I write this, and begin to see the picture in retrospect, I feel foolish, When a person is too close to the situation, and when a woman is in love, it's nearly impossible to step back to reality. Good sense flies out the window.
I have not heard from him in four days, which is unusual, and haven't had the urge to call him. But still....my heart jumps when the phone rings...I feel if he should call I would cave in emotionally and not give any hint that I had been considering ending the relationship. I feel like an addict! Addicted to "love" or the idea of this man and I having a future together.
Do you have an encouraging message for me, or maybe validation that I should get out of this relationship? One the other hand, I may be over reacting, but I doubt it. Thanks so much
GARLAND: Thanks for sharing your question with us.
I have to say that I am so VERY glad to hear that you know that you are possibly in love with the 'idea of love' or the 'idea of you and this guy' having a relationship. So many people can't see the difference, so many people think that they LOVE this person, or this person LOVES them, or the LOVE they have is so great... but often times, people are simply blinded by the IDEA' of LOVE.
I think you are coming out much the better by this guy drifting out of your life. You gave him your time, you gave him your heart, and you gave him [some of] your money. Your time and your money you can never get back but your heart is still yours and I promise, it will heal. It may hurt a while, but it WILL heal!
I think he was probably never really up for a serious monogomous relationship. When we [MEN] start talking about "spending too much time together..." "needing to spend time with our buddies..." needing our space..." WE ARE SAYING, WE DON'T WANT TO BE TIED DOWN. WE DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU RIGHT NOW. WE'RE NOT TRYING TO GET TOO DEEP WITH YOU! That's our little way of saying, "Nope, it's not gonna' happen."
Another tad bit of information is the whole, "Investing in our future..." You can talk to a glass of water all day, but it won't become tea from your sweet voice. Telling him that you were investing in the two of you is a bit of relationship nonsense that I think ladies tend to TRULY believe in. I think you all figure that if you 'believe' in a future hard enough and you are willing to put cash in a man's hand under the guise of that belief, he will 'believe' in it too. 9 times out of 10, he won't.
That being said, GOOD FOR YOU, for being strong enough to let this guy fade into the wood work. I doubt that he was the worst person in the world, but he WAS NOT ready for a relationship, he got some of your time and some of your cash and I hope you got some laughs and a few good dates out of it - but he doesn't sound like a guy that is NEARLY ready for a grown up committment. Leave him in the past and keep your eyes open for the Good Guy that IS out there waiting for you. The one that wants YOU more than his buddies, the one that is willing to move closer to YOU and the one who enjoys his space more when YOU are in it!
CHUCK: I'll offer my agreement with Garland's answer, and also another piece of advice: Don't weaken. You have seen that this man has expressed little interest in moving out of the long distance relatioship phase. He's lightened up your pockets and given you a bunch of cliches. The realization has dawned on you that, not only has he not reciprocated your love, but what you felt may not really have been love at all. Great.
But your heart still leaps a bit when the phone rings. You're a romantic. And certain opportunistic men will try to play on that. So when he calls you a week, or a month from now (he will, it's inevitable), sweet-talking you and acting like you two just spoke yesterday, shut him down. I don't care how wistful or lonely you might feel.
I said in a post here a few months ago, that certain men can live in limbo for indefinite periods of time. He has shown no real urge to move your relationship forward, and that is unlikely to change. But as long as you're not holding his feet to the fire, and remain a soft touch for money, he'll string you along. If you're not happy in limbo, this guy is not the man for you. It's that simple.
Be thankful for your common sense and move on.