Is you is, or is you ain't my baby?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland,

I need your advise because I am not sure what I should do. So were do I start huh! I have a friend that I have known since high school, we were very close. See the problem is that we have always have something for each other but I was with someone else and ended up pregnant during high school. He always hated how the guy treated me and he was even there for me while I was pregnant, came to hospital when my son was born. After high school we lost contact and I ended up marrying the guy I had my son with and we went on to have another child. We were married for 5 years before we got divorced. After my divorce I decided to look my friend up and give him a call because I always thought about him for all those years. We started talking again and kept in touch. After talking for awhile we planned a trip to Vegas together since I had never been. We both at this point didn't know if we were going as just friends or if it was something more. Well we had a great time in Vegas and ended up sleeping with each other and telling each other that we had always had a thing for one another. Now the thing is he lived in another state than me so a few weeks after Vegas he came to visit me and it was great. After that visit though he didn't really call but I would get an occasional text. So I took the not calling me that he didn't want to be with me. I started dating someone else and a month or so later I got a text from him saying he missed me...I was confused. I told him that I was dating someone else since I hadn't heard from him. So at that point we no longer talked.

Now lets jump forward to a year later. I was no longer dating and we started talking again here and there, not a whole lot though, mostly text messages. We occasionally see each other when either of us is in town but nothing happens. He is very touchy feely with me but it never goes farther than that. I have told him how I feel about him and that I want a relationship but I don't get anything back from him. I told him this in an email since we never seem to actually talk on the phone, just text. He just replied that we need to talk but we never did.

Now I just went to Vail this weekend and we met up and I stayed at his place but nothing happened. I am so confused though because we went out and if any other guy talks to me he gets very jealous. One guy even hit on me this weekend and he almost got in a fight with the guy. Why does he do this if we are not in a relationship? I don't know if I should talk to him about it but I feel since I sent that email he knows how I feel. But why is he jealous if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. It is just so hard to be around him because I really care about him. I am not sure if I should just end our friendship because it is so hard for me. See usually if I don't text him I wont hear from him but then on the other hand he is very flirty with me at times. Please give me some advise as I am so confused and not sure what to do.


GARLAND: Thanks for sending us your question. My answer - Cut your losses and move on.

Now, I know every story has two sides, but based on what you've said here - I think this guy is torn between the image of dating you; the reality of dating you; and the possibility of not dating you at all. What you're saying sounds like a guy that isn't sure what he wants.

I'm going to be real with you. I think that guys, for the most part, know what they do and don't want from a woman. If a guy is really feeling you, he's going to let you know - pure and simple. If he's on the fence or doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he'll drag things out - he'll keep you... as Chuck likes to say... dangling on the hook. This guy, with his ocassional texts and odd jealous behavior sounds like he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want to see anybody else with you. He sounds confused.

I think you should just stop responding to his texts. Sadly, you make yourself look bad by being so accepting [and happy] to get the bits and pieces of his attention by responding back and being so willing to accept whatever little petty crumbs of time he offers. If he was really about getting with you - you wouldn't have the time or inclination to send us your question.

Best wishes -
CHUCK: Ditto from me here. This guy doesn't want to be your lover, boyfriend, or anything e;se. He does not want to expend that much effort. What he does want is to keep up some sort of arms-length relationship, where he can keep seeing you, being around you, even getting jealous if you are talking to another man. Where does he get the nerve, anyway?
This man may be living in some idealized world of his own, where you do have a relationship. We do tend to romanticize our high school crushes, after all. But without anything further being done to nurture it, your relationship has even run out of fumes. It's sitting on the shoulder of the road with a red rag tied on the door handle.
And the texts. I should just write a separate post to address this whole relationship-by-text phenomenon. I don't hate technology, people, really, but the over-reliance on these technological crutches is making me nuts. Let me just say: If you need to be reminded what your boyfriend's voice sounds like, your relationship leaves a lot to be desired.
I think we can all agree that there is nothing going on here, right? Why not let the guy in on it? Talk to him, or just stop returning his texts. He should get the message. You two missed out on your time a few years ago. And wishful thinking alone won't get it back. It's going to take some effort, and someone needs to be willing to make it. Good luck.


Clarice said...

I agree with G! No surprise there :) He does sound confused - suspect he cares but not enough to make a decision and his confusion is feeding your confusion. Decide what you want at this point in life - real deal relationship; a fun fling; or a one and done off thing; then decide does he warrant either of those. While your doing that deciding maintain radio silence - go cold turkey on the texting. Continuing to do the text on off game is borrowing confusion and you have enough on your own - quit renting him space in your brain.

You've put your cards on the table w/ him and he's done nada so treat it like one and done. If he reacts then decide which column he fits and do what works for where you are then.

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