The One That (Thank God) Got Away

QUESTION: Hey guys,

I adore your site and what you are doing for many women out there right now-it is wonderful!
I am hoping that you can give me your insight about an issue I am going through. About a year ago, one of my best friends introduced me to her cousin at a family party. We knew each other by face, because we had gone to the same highschool and he was a couple of years older than me. Anyway at the party we hit it off, and exchanged numbers. After that we spoke practically everyday. He would call on his breaks from work, and we even went out on a couple of dates. At this time he had just graduated from university and decided to take a post-graduation trip with the boys to Cancun. Up until the night before his trip he called, wishing me a goodnight and basically letting me know he would call when he returned. I had grown pretty strong feelings for the dude-call it sprung if you must lol. So throughout that week I could not wait until he returned. This is where things turned awry, I remember it as though it happened yesterday--he returned the thursday, and i did not hear anything from him. I did not take it as anything personal, instead I thought 'Okay, he just got home. He'll call when he unpacks' Meanwhile I always heard my male cousins say if they were coming home from a trip and genuinely missed a woman she would be the first person he would be calling when that plane touched down. Anyway, a few days passed and still nothing. By the end of the next week I finally texted him asking if he was alright, due to his cousin mentioned a family incident. He said he was fine, and we made small talk for a bit. After that I heard nothing from him. Absolutely nothing. His cousin, who I am fairly close with filled me in that he has not stopped seeing his ex, and was staying at her place that was close to where he worked. She even gave me insight to what he has done to a previous girl who thought they were in a relationship after he had taken her virginity. He ignored her, and finally when she attended the same event as him and he gave her a bunch of excuses she noticed a few 'love bites' on his neck.

Back to the story, about 5 months later he randomly calls me explaining himself after I had finally gotten over the hurt of being abruptly ditched. He said he was having a hard time and the whole 9 yards..blah blah blah. By this time I didn't care as much seeing that I had moved on myself. Realizing he was seeking some sort of forgiveness I told him I had nothing against him and it's in the past. He then suggested coffee, but I did not get back to him. That was 2009. This year after getting back from vacation, I activated my black berry messenger. I spoke to his cousin and she mentioned he had been asking about me as I did not show up to a party he presumed I was going to. I told her nonchalantly he could add me on bbm, not thinking much of it. Not even 10 minutes later he calls, appearing to be a 'changed' man. I almost felt embarrassed for him, the amount of times he would message me asking if he could call and how he wished me luck on every assignment i mentioned i was working on. It sounds nice, but the thing is...I don't trust him. He hurt me, and at this point in my life I find him to be an nuisance. I look back wondering what i was thinking, while it seems he is looking back and realizing what a mistake he made. He was always so conceited just because he now had degree behind his name. It was 'my philosophy' this 'theoretically speaking' that. Could it be he thinks he is that smart, he can pull one over on me?

I don't know why, but I almost feel bad because he continues to ask me out, wanting to go on a date a just spend time together and I just can't trust myself with him. A part of me enjoys that he now knows how it feels to be uncertain, but I can't help to wonder whether he has genuinely had a wake up call? or is he just lonely (he has mentioned something along those lines) and wants to attempt to pass the time with me. What are your perspectives on this guy? and how can I tell him that the furthest we will ever be is friends without being hurtful. I have a really hard time telling men I am not interested but every time my phone lights up with his name there is no longer that feeling I had last year, instead it is one of "Why the f*ck won't he just dissapear again!"
...Why on earth does it take a women giving up, for a man to regain and interest?

Sorry if i appeared to be venting lol and I sincerely thank you in advance for your time and input.

CHUCK: Can I just say: Good for you!

This guy doesn't necessarily mean you any harm. But that doesn't mean he's got anything good planned for you, either. There's plenty guys out there, looking to keep a young lady on the string by doing as little as possible in terms of going out, calling, etc. But let them take their eye off the ball for a while, and their lack of concern becomes apparent. That's what happened when he got back from Cancun. He couldn't be bothered to even keep an appearance up.

But it's good for you, because not only did you not date him, not only did you not give him some, by the time he remembered he should get in contact with you, you had moved on! If there's some potion you're drinking that we could pass on to some of the other women who send us questions here, please let me and Garland know.

Based on the facts provided here, I think it's pretty obvious that homeboy is smellin' himself a lot, basically thinking that you could wait around for him to get himself together. Has he changed now? I wouldn't rule it out completely. But I wouldn't bet a paycheck on it, either.

In fact, if you've grown tired of being pursued by a man that you can't trust, and aren't really feeling anymore, there's a guaranteed way to get rid of him: Act like you're interested in him again, and watch him disappear.

GARLAND: Nice answer Chuck. "Act like you're interested..." that is hilarious! But questionner - DON'T REALLY DO IT! We don't want to run the risk of you giving in and getting burned by this dude!
There's a chance that Ol'Boy has really seen the light, but based on what you've said - I'm not really feelin' that. Okay - sure, he dogged the young lady that your friend knew about but that doesn't make him a serial dogger per se, but after five months to be blowing up your bbm like that - it just doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy. And, if your friend knew that her cousin had done some shady stuff before, why didn't she bring this to your attention when she first brought him up to you? Not a big issue - but I did want to point that out.

I'm not sure what he's up to, but you'd probably be better served given him a wide berth. Even if he does want to try something serious with you, he sounds wishy-washy to me. You'd end up sleeping with him and catching feelings and then in a month or so, he'll be crying about how confused he is and he's been texting his ex lately and she was his first love and then he'll say he doesn't want to hurt you, and basically you'll be yesterdays news.

You want him gone - I'd say you do one of two things: A. straight up tell him him. Don't act high and mighty or smug - yes, you have the upper hand, but gloating brings bad karma. Just let him know that you want to keep things to a minimum between you two. But don't say, "lets just be friends," I don't think trying to stay 'friends' with someone you had feelings for is ever a good thing AND it's a mockery of your true friends. B. You can just ig him. Just plain old ignore him. When he calls or texts you, just don't reply. Maybe he'll get the message. If he doesn't and corners you at a party and asks you whats up, you can tell him you were busy OR you can go back to A.

I like A the best, myself.

Just don't spend too much time stressing over this chap. He may be harmless, but if you don't want him in your life, get him out of your mind first and everything else will fall in place.

Good luck.


clarice said...

Guys normally I would say you are spot on and in this case you are tracking. However as a woman I would tell this very lucky lady - thank God he is out of your system and keep moving. Do not pass go do not collect 200.00 - do not waste time letting him think you are interest as was suggested. Just keep moving. Lose him like the bad habit he is - he may have changed but that changes nothing about how you feel.

Do not give this man another thought - analyzing his motives etc is giving him real estate in your mind, psyche and potentially emotions that he does not deserve.

Be civil when you see him, cordial when required but be gone!

Time and energy are like money once they are gone they are gone well spent or otherwise. Go green recycle the energy and time you are spending thinking about him on something real.


Anonymous said...

Garland, thanks for also calling out this so called friend. After everything hits the fan, she decides to give you the real deal on her cousin. Maybe the guy is not the only that needs to be dumped in this situation. If you continue to hang with her, just keep in mind that she may not always have your best interest at heart.

I can relate to this post. I just finished telling a guy this week, "I deserve better, I need a guy who can show me some real attention." I wasn't sure I did the right thing or whether I was being needy, but your statement below hit it right on the head for me.

"There's plenty guys out there, looking to keep a young lady on the string by doing as little as possible in terms of going out, calling, etc. But let them take their eye off the ball for a while, and their lack of concern becomes apparent. That's what happened when he got back from Cancun. He couldn't be bothered to even keep an appearance up."

Anonymous said...

Thank all of you (commenter’s included) for telling me what I needed to hear. I took chuck’s suggested and just decided to ignore the dude. The more I answered his calls, I realized the more he thought it was going somewhere or he could continue whatever it was he was up to. He left voice mails, telling me he would wait for me to return his call (which I didn’t) then finally messaged me on bbm one last time saying something like “Hey, remember me? Or do you not want to? LOL (<--He knows his a*s was not laughing. ) Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you are okay and your exams went well”
I ignored the first half of his question and answered “I’m great thank you, I hope everything is well with you.” After that he deleted me lol You two were absolutely right. He wanted his ego stroked and probably some other things as well, but it definitely was not going to happen with me. I am glad I just kept my head up and saw things for what they were. I realize nothing good could have ever came from this situation. As for the ‘so-called’ friend, I decided that I might as well ‘kill two birds with one stone’ so to speak, and drop the both of them. A true friend would not wait for the bomb to drop before letting you know what was going on, it’s almost as if she was setting me up to fail. Not good at all.

Thank you again for the honesty,

Take care!

Anonymous said...

oops I meant to say


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