QUESTION: okay, here goes..... i am in a relationship with a man and we don't have sex....ever. its been seven months and we've had sex maybe three times. we've been together for a year and 4 months. our relationship started out as more of a friendship with lots of sex,always while we were drunk b/c thats what we did every night. he hadnt been in a relationship for 12 years (he's 34) before him and i got together. about four months in we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend and both agreed that we should take a break from the sex thing for a few months and kind of "start over" as if it had never happened and also both agreed we should try it out sober, which we hadnt done yet. so we waited 4 months then tried at it again, and it was great. he had some issues with staying hard though. that lasted for a few months. also you should know that i am never the one to initiate sex because i need to be turned on and also have a sence of being wanted. so then i realized one day that we hadnt had sex in a long time and deccided to talk to him about it. he said that there were a few issues with sex he was having and trying to deal with. one of them being he now realizes that he loves me and it is hard for him to do the dirty things that he used to do to me, but those are the things that really turn him on. another issue is that he feels like he doesnt please me..... hes always been really good in bed and had "one night" stands that last a few weeks. its been 12 years since hes had to keep someone happy sexually for more than a few weeks, and he says it makes him feel insecure. we talk about this every so often because it just makes me feel so insecure about myself. you should also know that he loves checking women out. that didnt used to bother me, but i guess because were not having sex, it does now. i just picture him picturing himself having sex with these women, and i can undress in front of him and he has no urge to fuck me. i guess what im asking, is there anything i can do in this situation?? do you think this is somethign he can overcome. I love him to death but i cant go the rest of my life wondering if the guy who loves me so much is ever going to want to fuck me ever again?? and he says he does, but i just wonder how someone can know if theyve overcome anything w/o at least trying it out to see if they still feel the same. the three times we have had sex in the last seven months, ive initiated..... which ive recently said im not doing anymore, b/c i need to feel wanted by him and i havnt in so long..........please help, any advise would be great.
GARLAND: Okay... WOW. Uh, that was a lot of information. I think when people give all of this extra information they're mainly venting, and the real question is lost. So, sadly, I just don't have it in me to read this a third time. After reading it twice, I finished with the same impression. This guy has to be drunk to sleep with you.
Now THAT has been a running joke with guys for the last 400 years, but in your case - IT'S TRUE! If you have sex like horny, Red Bull fueled, teenagers when you are blitzed out of your mind and yet when he sobers up, he's so blown away by this heavenly love he has for you that he wouldn't dare defile your virtue by touching you with an erection... I can only say, "Give me a break, please."
I don't know what his deal is, I don't know what he's thinking, but I can tell you that your future, at least your sexual future with this chap is going to be pretty bleak unless you BOTH change. He's got to stop being a frilly prude when you want to get your swerve on, and sometimes you are going to have to stop waiting to be hunted and become the predator!
And by the way - to quote our beloved reader "Clarice" - Please stop "borrowing drama!" The whole - 'picturing him, picturing himself having sex with these women,' sounds really... uh... dangerous. Please don't let your fears lead you down the road to serious paranoia. 99.9% of all straight men, even those in relationships, look at women! We are visual creatures, we see a fine looking woman, we are going to look at her - hopefully in a subtle and respectful manner to everyone involved, but we are going to look. Don't make a man's natural urge into something overly dramatic when it doesn't need to be - please don't 'borrow drama' and insert it where it doesn't really exist.
The two of you need to have a serious and heart-felt talk about your relationship, but until that happens, I say, get your guy a six pack of Dos Equis, a couple of condoms, a tub of cool-whip, a pair of handcuffs and a squeeze bottle of Smuckers grape jam and GET BUSY!!!
CHUCK: I'm going to get Psych 101 here for a minute, and talk about something called the Madonna/Whore Complex. Basically, it's a psychological principle that states that men either view women as a Madonna (no, not her): pure, virginal, and untouchable; or as a Whore: approachable, sexual, nasty.
Of course, most real women are human beings who can't be defined so easily. So men who adhere to this complex usually find themselves facing problems in the real world. Such seems to be the case with your man.
He feels as though he needs to be drunk to have sex with you, since he feels unclean doing "dirty" things with/to you sober. He feels as though he cannot approach you in this way without being altered. That's really unusual.
What's mainly happened, though, is that he isused to having sex a certain way, and doesn't feel as though he can change. During the 12 years he was not in a relationship, he evidently got used to drunken, short-term flings. He's evidently turned on by that kind of thing, and doesn't think he can change. So he doesn't even want to try.
He can change, though. You can, too. Given some time and patience and understanding, you can learn to be together and appreciate each other sexually. Sober. One problem men have, and I've written about this before, I think, is if we have an episode of impotence, or are unable to perform once, we dwell on that occasion, and let the anxiety build up until, DAMN, we're not functioning again. And for some men, the fear of facing that kind of situation again will lead them to not initiate sex at all.
You two need to approach this topic again, and agree to help each other with the issues that you both have. Because you have some issues to address. too. You are insecure about him looking at other women because right now, your sex life together is not good. But let me assure you, even if you two were going at it two or three times every night, he'd still look at other women. That's just how most men operate. We are visually oriented beings. The main problem I see would HOW he looks at other women in your presence, and is he respectful to you. Remind me to write about this at length sometime.
The other thing is, you need to get over your reluctance to initiate sex. I know it makes you feel desirable to be pursued, and all that, but to have you kick things off might be just what he needs. You can see that waiting for him hasn't been very productive. So as I say, talk to each other, make a decision to try to change things between you, without using liquor as a crutch. What have your livers ever done to you to deserve such punishment? And please, keep in touch and let us know how things are going.