Once, Twice... Three times?

QUESTION: Dear Chuck and Garland:

For about a month now, I have been dating a guy in his early thirties, who has been divorced twice. There is not one thing I don't like about him. He is attentive, loving and focused on doing things that make me happy. The only thing I am cautious about is his relationship history. What are your thoughts on this? Is this a red flag? Am I dealing with a case of "he was so charming in the beginning, but turned out to be a psycho?" I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in like everyday, but at the same time I don't want to get into something I may regret later on down the line? Or there any signs I should pay attention to that may tell me if this is all a front?

GARLAND: Thanks for your question! I happen to think that when guys have been married more than once and then divorced more than once, the problem may lie with them, not the women they chose.

This is my reasoning: Most guys that I've ever spoken to about multiple marriages all seem to have the same attitude - once is enough. There is too much to being married to try and go through that two or three times. Now, this is just a lot of the guys I know, 35 to 45, professional, various levels of education, most of us married, no bums living at home with mama! So that is just one part of my rationale.

The other part though, is this: When this guy got married once and it didn't work out, he turned around and did it again UNSUCCESFULLY! So that means that he either picks bad women or he is a bad husband. For example, if he got married the first time and she was crazy, then maybe that lead to the divorce. So if he was smart, he didn't pick the same kind of woman twice, if he did then he is a fool. But, if he picked a different kind of woman, then maybe he was the problem. Either way - I think this guy probably makes bad decisions or he doesn't have his act together.

There could be any number of reasons that he has been married and divorced twice, I'm only hitting on few. Two isn't necessarily a "killer" number, it seems high to me for him to be in his thirties, but I think it is clearly something you should keep on your mind. He may be the kind of guy that is scared to be by himself, so he married women to assure companionship; He could need to have a "mama figure" around so he gets married; he could be the kind of guy that thinks he's in love with love and every woman he sleeps with he proposes to. I honestly don't know, and I'm a bit biased because of a guy I know, who's NOT a friend of mine, but he's been through two wives and he is a very controlling and dark fellow who is quite terrible in relationships.

Tread carefully with this guy, and if you think things are getting serious, you are 100% within your rights to ask him about his marriages and his divorces. You owe YOURSELF loyalty, not him. If he doesn't want to talk about these subjects to your satisfaction, then you may need to prepare for a long and bumpy right with this fellow. Good luck!


Anonymous said...

So much agree with you & in my own opinion, She should go on a little investigation/scooping behind his back...something is definitely wrong somewhere...courtship is different from marriage....i believe his ex-wives might had said the same sweet words about him in the past before the divorce...

Mr. Cautious said...

In the defense of the brother, let me chime in on this one. I have enough credentials to know that just because a brother has gone through one or four marriages and had four divorces, doesn’t mean that the brother is the problem.
Speaking from experience I will say that I am a one woman man and when I get in a relationship with a woman, I tend to chill with just that woman. My intentions didn’t start with me knowing that this is going to be my future wife, but after two or three years in the relationship, “here comes the bride.”
Now, once girlfriend turns into wife, it sometimes calms the flames of the original relationship and the daily stresses of life become two fold, being together may slowly become a burden. The storms come, one or both partners are inexperienced in dealing with storms and neither seeks help. The couple is young the only way they can see any relief is to part and go their separate ways.
The woman seeks advice from her girlfriends, which really know nothing about being married and may not even have a man. The man seeks advice from his friends, whom also may not know nothing about being married and may want the man to leave his woman so they can get her, but the man doesn’t realize this.
The couple follows the advice of their friends, divorce is the decisions. The divorce happens and although it may be a hard thing for both, when a girl or guy comes around the recent divorcees and something is sparked if they are accustom to having a relationship with just one individual then they fall right back into that same cycle.
I know because that was the cycle I was in for three marriages. I had to learn and realize what the problem was after evaluating me and recognizing that there was a problem. The problem was who I chose to be in a relationship with.
I mostly went for the beauty, body and brains, but never really checked the character, in fact I excused many occurrences of their true character peeking out of that mask they had it under.

Chuck and Garland said...

Hey MR. CAUTIOUS, what's up Brother? Thanks for your comment. This is the first time I've seen your name so thanks for giving our blog a visit. Really - I appreciate your thoughts.

I have to say though, you start by saying "[multiple marriages and divorces] doesn't mean the brother is the problem..." then you explain your position and you finish by contradicting yourself and validating my point 100%. You said, and I quote, " I had to learn and realize what the problem was after evaluating me and recognizing that there was a problem. The problem was who I chose to be in a relationship with.I mostly went for the beauty, body and brains, but never really checked the character" " YOU, The Brother, were the problem!

I don't say that like YOU are a bad guy, and I didn't say the guy in the question was BAD, but the bottom line is HE MADE POOR DECISIONS, AND YOU MADE POOR DECISIONS. You said this yourself!

This doesn't mean you or he are bad guys or screwups, you're human! These things happen. I wanted to let this woman know that there are many factors to be looked at. But I have to thank you for validating my point. That was a perfect example.

Thanks again for your comment - I hope we see your name again!


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