Not the Man You Think He Is

QUESTION: First and foremost i wanna say you guys do an awesome job and i am totally impressed with this site. i dont know who you two are but i wanna hang out lol. so here is my dilemma kinda stupid but still wasting energy on it :(

Two years ago I met my a man 11 yrs older than me while he was working in my country. He was single and handsome, so loving and so kind towards what id been thru in my broken marriage. it seemed like i really had a chance to be happy with someone again.

We saw each other everyday for 10 months and my little girl adored him. When his contract ended and he had to leave he asked me to go with him back to his country but i couldn't because of my job and i wasn't ready to give up everything, but he came back to see me and two months later i went to see him.i stayed with him for two weeks and it was magical.

Although there were red flags, he was seen around with other girls while i was away and he was terribly controlling, i was so blinded by the love i felt for him. When i left he begged me to come back. In December last year he asked me to move to him again, and when i finally accepted, quit my job and gave up my apartment, he wrote to me a month later (after becoming distant) to tell me that i cannot come because he is not the man i think he is, that he is not ready for the commitment. This is after promising me the earth moon and sun for 10 months. Saying that he was ready to be like a father to my child and to love and care for us. I was so heartbroken and left with nothing, i cut off all contact with him from that day.

Even if i wanted to try and move on, 10 weeks later he started calling saying how sorry he was and how he wants to make things work. I stupidly forgave him That was in Feb and we talked everyday since then and he made plans to come seeme in august. two months ago he got cold and distant again calling less and less and when i asked him he said he was busy and we haven't seen each other for so long maybe that's why. So i told him then while chatting not to come if he's losing interest in me again because he had changed towards me, i said this hoping that he would try to be nicer, but he never even replied and i never heard from him again. So i deleted him again from all my contacts and tried to move on again.

Now two weeks ago he texted me saying he misses me, and i stupidly kept contact again for two weeks, yesterday i asked him why are we talking again and why did he stop talking to me for two months he didnt even reply and signed out. So once again i deleted his ass and sent him an email basically saying do not text me out of boredom, or cos its been two months, or if you're just checking to see if your fanclub of exes is still intact. i told him i am not interested in being his friend and i made it clear to only call me should he wake up one day and magically realise how great we were together and that he loves me enough to work things out. I even recently found he had been sleeping with a lot of other women while he was in my country we’re a very small community, all the while seeing me and asking me to never leave him and telling me how i’m the one.

Why do men do these things and im praying i will be strong to tell him where to go should i ever hear from him again. It hurts but i know i need to move on. My question is why does he keep coming back if hes not interested inhaving a relationship? why was he texting? its not like i'm a phone call away for a shag why play these games then. Do you guys think he'll respond to my email or will i hear from him again this time?

GARLAND: Thanks for the question. You'll hear from him again.

This guy sounds like a game playing nut and not much more. And sadly, it takes at least two to really play games. Any idea who the second person is?

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but I need to be real with you. If you think enough of us to ask our opinions, then we should think enough of you to be honest. By your own words, you knew this guy was shady but you let him push and pull you around and you said that Love blinded you. Let's not go around giving love a bad name.

But, I'm not answering your question - Why do some men do these things? Some guys do this because they are stupid and weak and they like to keep willing women dangling on the hook. Some guys just like a fail-safe for when times get tough and the lovin' is lean. I'm beating around the bush here, so let me stop... Look, some guys are just assholes. There, I said it.

This guy is a game playing asshole and sadly you are helping him play the game. He does his thing, he gets his booty from the other women, he's eating his cake and then when the phone stops ringing, he knows you'll be entertaining for a few weeks and he still gets to have more cake - then you get the, "Baby you know I love you... Baby I'm sorry I've been a ignoring you... Baby I'm gonna do better... Baby, baby, baby...," E-Mail. To which you reply... TO WHICH YOU REPLY!

TO - WHICH - YOU - REPLY! Your reply plays right into his hands. He loves it. He loves the fact that you will help perpertuate his foolishness.

HE will play with your emotions as long as you allow him to. As long as you keep telling him, "When you decide to do this..." "When you decide to do that..." "When you're ready for this..." "When you're ready for that..." he'll continue to treat you like he is. You keep giving him the power, and like anyone that is power hungry and wanting to play games, he will. You've got to come to the point when you accept and believe that you are not a toy and you are not to be toyed with. That means no returning of his calls and texts, blocking his E-Mails, moving on AND NOT LOOKING BACK and more importantly, being blinded by the love of yourself, not the misplaced love of an unworthy scrub.

CHUCK: Let me give you the benefit of a conversation I heard on the radio this morning. It concerned relationships between men and women, and the shady behavior that sometimes takes place. This woman said that, men will always be honest with you. And before I could even fully voice the word, "WHAT?" she amended her comment, "if not in their words, then in their actions." And I said, "Damn." Because, whether you realize it or not, that's what's taking place here.

He tells you that he loves you, asks you to forgive him for the last time he came around and ruined your life, and then shortly thereafter, he's growing distant again, and breaking off contact. Despite his flowery words, his actions display what he truly means. Which is more like. "I'm lonely now, and I need some attention, but I realize the only way that I can get it from you, is if I act like I'm sorry for the last time I hurt you. So, accept these lies first, then hang with me for a while, until I start feeling better about myself, and I can cut you loose."

In response to your question, though, Garland is pretty much right. The reason that men do stuff like this is mainly for the ego massage. They like the idea that no matter how bad they've treated a woman, she will still accept his weak lines and insincere apologies. He has no intention of doing right by you. EVER.

That being the case, and considering that what you need in you life is good, loving people, and not emotional parasites, feel free to ignore any future contact from this man. He's probably decided long ago that he does not want to be in your life in a significant way. It's time you made the same decision about him.


Anonymous said...

Great advice as usual guys. & Can there be a remote chance that he already has a wife somewhere huh? It's glaring he is toying with her emotions & wants to keep her as a 'reserve' in case he needs her in future. said...

I just happen to be passing by when I read your post. Nice post and keep up the good work!