Sunday

I want that shaken and not stirred... LMAO.



QUESTION: This is my story:

I met this guy about a year and half ago, he happens to be my best friend's husband's best friend, I was instantly attracted to him but kept my interest to myself because he lives about an hour and half away from me and we have many mutual friends. However, (thanks to the internet) we started to talk on a regular basis on google-chat about 6 months ago - we chatted about everything 4 or 5 days a week for hours on end. Both of us are very shy people, and awkward when it comes to flirting and relationships - so talking online makes everything easier. When I would see him at friends' events I noticed he would look at me a lot, and when I looked at him he would immediately look a way. At the onset of these events and parties, the two of us would ignore each other at the beginning, but by the end of the night we would be chatting alone together.

After about 2 months of chatting online, the two of us were at the same party. We both got fairly tipsy and flirted the entire night, and ended up making out after everyone had gone to bed. But, we never spoke about that instance until several months later. After this drunken make-out session he got a little distant, and we stopped chatting online for about a week, then out of the blue he tells me that he'll be in my city for work, and we should grab lunch! In his line of work he is required to travel a fair amount of the time, and after this first lunch non-date, we would always have lunch (sometimes he would pay, other times we went dutch) whenever he was in town. During these outings we would sometimes talk about past relationships and what we were looking for in a partner. We both have had horrible experiences in long term dating situations. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with someone who eventually became an alcoholic - fortunately for me I got out of that relationship before anything too terrible happened. My love interest was in a relationship with a woman who got pregnant with another man's child the first month they lived together, he had also purchased a wedding ring shortly before he discovered her infidelity. Needless to say, both of us are a little more than scarred.

As time passed, our relationship would slowly (emphasis on the word 'slowly') blossom, and we've started to become closer and closer over the past several months. A month later he and I were at another party, and we both got a little tipsy again and we ended up fooling around (no sex) in my friend's spare bedroom - we were at it for a good 3 hours, I remember the sun coming up and we were still fooling around. It was awesome. Again, we don't talk about this occurrence and he stops chatting with me online for another week. After this event he continued to let me know when he was in town, and we would have lunch.

Our many mutual friends started to catch on that we were starting to be more than friends, and would tease us. Every time I would flirt with him he wouldn't respond or he would get really nervous, so it was hard to tell his level of interest in me. At about month 5 of all of this happening I was still really confused about how he truly felt about me. I couldn't take it any more and let him know all of my feelings, and I had to push him to get any information out of him. Keep in mind I let him know this via text message (I'm shy, talking directly to someone about feelings scares me. Texting/online = safety) - I found out through our conversation that he was 1) concerned about the long distant thing, but we're only an hour and half apart and I let him know that it didn't bother me, 2) he had already been thinking about how things would work if we did start to date, 3) he was concerned about dating someone who was his best friend's wife's friend, 4) he wanted more physical relations with me.

A week later after this discussion, we went on what many people may define as a double date to a movie. It was just our two mutual married friends mentioned above, and us. I paid for the tickets, and he paid for the popcorn/drinks and dinner after the movie. During this non-double date he was flirting with me more than any other time that we had been in public together. Teasing, touching, hugging, texting each other at the table, etc.

Flash-forward another week and we go on our very first official date, I drive to his house and we planned that I would be staying for the entire weekend. Obviously, we end up having sex that night. It was probably the most romantic sex I've ever had. He gently kissed me, gazed into my eyes, pushed the hair out of my face, held my hand, held my face when he kissed me. The foreplay lasted for a good 3+ hours. However, when the actual sex part came around...he didn't last very long, and I could tell he was kinda surprised by this and felt bad. Saturday night came and he was hosting a party, as usual he doesn't pay much attention to me at the beginning, but towards the end of the night he had his hand on my ass in front of 15 of our closest friends - a big step. We didn't end up having sex that night b/c we were both wasted (too drunk to have sex, I know!). The next day before I left we cuddled on the couch watching netflix for a good 5-6 hours. Not to mention that two of his closest friends, who spent the night in the spare room, saw us cuddling in the same bed that very morning.

Since that night he's been a little distant, the texts and google chats have been very sparse. If I do send him a message he will respond almost immediately but the conversation doesn't go anywhere. It's been almost 2 weeks and we've barely talked to each other. So I'm just confused. I want to pursue a real relationship with him, I just don't know what I need to do.

Please help.

GARLAND: WOW? Uh, thanks for your question. In the six years that we’ve done this blog, I have never been a fan of long questions. I try to pick up specific points and sometimes it is hard to pick out the key details when I’m told about all sorts of different things, so I hope I can get to the crux of your concern.

Before I get to my answer let me just hit a few points.

ONE: Please tell me I read this wrong and you were NOT sitting at the same table with your friends and the two of you were TEXTING each other? This is not good. If you two can sit at the same table and chose to tap on your little qwerty keyboards instead of speaking to each other – then unfortunately, rough times may lie ahead.

TWO: Your friends ‘tease’ you because you two are attracted to each other? You may need some more mature friends. I fear they may tease you because you are wearing white on your wedding day.

To me, it seems that the two of you may be too timid and passive aggressive for your own good. I don’t mean to sound rude, and I’m not trying to be callous, but the two of you, according to what you’ve said, basically have to intoxicated in order to loosen-up enough to show each other any affection. That is NEVER a solid foundation for a relationship, though oddly I have heard of quite a few couples that disagreed with me.

And let me just hit this texting thing again. Chuck and I both agree that texting is going to prove to be the doom of most relationships. People rely too heavily on the safety and non-personal nature of texting and they lose the face to face passion that a relationship should bring. You [usually] can’t look someone in the eye when you text them. You can’t hear the changes in their voice to see if they are happy or sad or angry or lying. You can’t gauge whether someone is joking when they text, “SORRY I CAN’T COME OVER TONIGHT. I’M SCREWING MY BOSS. LOL” Now if someone said that to you, you could probably tell it was a joke. In a text message, it could be completely true and when they dump you, they can say, “Well, I told you I was screwing my boss!”

My suggestion is this. Make arrangements for a weekend together. Go someplace right between the two of you – forty-five minutes from both of you. Split the room 50/50 to eliminate that drama, leave your cell phones in the cars! And have NO alcoholic drinks for the whole weekend! If, and I’m dead serious here – if you can’t spend a whole weekend, Friday night to Sunday afternoon without your cell phones, without texting and without booze, then don’t waste your time trying to build a relationship together. Cut bait.

However, if you can pull this off. Take the weekend to talk about your feelings, your ideas, your plans for the future and see if the two of you can forge a relationship together. Really be candid and enjoy the time you have without your friends, and without having to be drunk and without your little electronic chaperones!

Best of luck. “GDBY”

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