So what do you want ME to do?

QUESTION: Chuck and Garland,

I am so happy I found this blog. While looking through your past posts, I am thankful for the wisdom and advice you are sharing with us confused women.

If you could take a minute and share your thoughts about my problem (a problem that I think many women face) it would be very very appreciated.

I'm 23 years old and I've been dating this guy (that I really like) unofficially for about a month now. He made the first move and we hit it off right away. Our chemistry (physical and intellectual) is amazing (we haven't slept together yet, but we've done everything but...) We have a very similar since of humor, have a lot in common, and when we are together we totally fit. I know he feels the same way because whenever we get done from a date, he will always text me (usually 15 minutes after the date. sometimes the next morning) how good of a time he had, how much he loves hanging out with me, etc. I've also met a lot of his friends at a party he hosted - I could tell he loved to show me off. He compliments me (but not too much) and is always remembering little details I've shared with me. When we are together, I genuinely feel like he is interested in me.

What i'm struggling with is the fact that i'm setting up all the dates. Sometime's he'll hint that we should go out by saying something like "Oh we have to watch this movie soon" or "I can't wait to take you to this" but it's always me saying "Awesome, when do you want to go?" And other times, when I just ask if he wants to hang out soon, he'll say something like "Absolutely! Let me cook you dinner. How's sunday work?" or whatever. But he's never the initiator.

i've tried not instigating the dates, but then we end up not hanging out for like 6 days. He still texted/called/fbed me during those 6 days, but he never asked me to hang out. I don't call/text/fb him too much because I don't want to come off desperate, and because i'm already the one instigating the dates, i don't feel like instigating the rest of the communication.

I guess how I feel is if he really liked me, wouldn't he actively persue me? I've always been told men should persue the woman, not the other way around. So should I ignore our awesome chemistry and all the other signs that he is into me and stop pursuing him? Or should I continue what i'm doing and stop overanalyzing? Or should I be straight up and ask him "Hey, I can't really tell how into me you are. When we're together, It seems like you totally are into me. But you never really instigate hanging out so it's kinda giving me mixed signals."

Anyways, I would love to hear your feedback on if you think he is really into me and what I should do about this behavior.

Thanks so much!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. I see that this one has been unanswered for a while, so I apologize for that. It would seem like after six years, Chuck and I would have our system down better, but alas life and work have a way of pushing our blogging to the back burner sometimes.

So – let’s see. I want to start by saying that I’m glad you seem to be in a good, though not great, situation. I know that you say “The Man is supposed to pursue The Woman,” but sometimes such general rules are either subject to interpretation or simply non-applicable. Now, granted, I do believe that a man has to make his interest in a woman clear, but all guys aren’t “shooters” some are “spotters”.

Let me explain. I think you may have a “spotter.” When it comes to military operations, “shooters” and “spotters” form a lethal and highly effective sniper team. The “shooter” aims the rifle, he/she looks through the sights and factors in elevation, wind, distance and a number of other factors and PULLS THE TRIGGER, The “shooter” makes the action happen. The “spotter” on the other hand, compiles the factors like elevation, wind speed and direction, distance, temperature and all sorts of other things and they give them to the shooter. But they do not PULL THE TRIGGER, they simply help the trigger pull result in a successful action.

I think your guy might be a “spotter.” He may like doing things and he may enjoy being with you, but he just isn’t good at pulling the trigger and making something happen. Maybe over time he will, but right now he doesn’t. He also may call himself seeing how interested in him YOU ARE. Yeah – SURPRISE! Sometimes us guys get a little insecure and we want to make sure you ladies aren’t playing us either. And yet again, he may consider himself to be a gentleman and he doesn’t want to crowd you by laying out times for you all to be together. In his mind, it may be enough to say, “Yeah, we need to see that movie…” but he wants to get together when it’s most convenient to you – so he lives the date and vacant pending your availability. Sure, that’s a bit extreme. But it’s possible.

I think you should assume that he likes you and he’s on the up-and-up, and just tell him that you’d like for him to be a little more aggressive when it comes to planning the things you both do. Tell him that it’s okay and you don’t feel boxed in when he suggests a time and place. Best of luck to you and drop us a line and let us know how things are going!


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