Where You Want to Be
QUESTION: Hello Men. I love your practical and realistic answers.
OK, I met this guy 10 months ago while on holiday in a city, we liked each other, hung out for about 5 weeks, and we started a relationship, before i left the holiday location,(in which he permanently resides.) making our relationship a long distance one. i had always planned, even before meeting him, that i would further my studies at that same holiday location, which i informed him about.
This plan, is what we both banked on as a convergence point for us and an end to the distance part of the relationship. Now, due to circumstances beyond my control, i cannot further my studies as previously planned.
Knowing this, i asked him what his intention was for me, when he asked me into a long distance relationship, in the sense that, what is his convergence plan for us, but he couldnt come up with an answer. I'm thinking in my mind, are we just going to keep dating to infinity?????
Do you think this guy takes me serious? I dont want to waste my time here, and also, i dont know if his case is that of confusion, poor planning or we simply didnt think of the flipside of my going to school? I'm 26, he is 27. I'm considering ending the relationship and moving on to something REAL. Please advise, perhaps i'm being dramatic???? The long distance relationship is 8 months old. Thanks.
GARLAND: Thanks for your question. Until I read that your long distance relationship was 8 months old. I would have been inclined to just assume that he hadn’t figured out what he really wanted. However, 8 months is a sort-of reasonable amount of time for him to have a clue about his plans for you [in his life] long term. But that is just my opinion, and I’m not a mind reader.I do want to point out though that asking a man what “his intentions are for you,” is a really strong request and you are basically pushing him deep into a corner.
He may like you a lot and he may want to see if marriage is something he’d consider somewhere down the road. But he certainly can’t tell you, “Honey. I might want to marry you one day,” because a lot of women would take that as a preamble to a marriage proposal, and he’d always feel that pressure whenever he spoke to you. In other words, it would ruin your relationship from his perspective.
On the flip side of the coin, he may only be mildly interested in you. He may think you are nice and cool, but he doesn’t know what the future holds. So when you put his feet to the fire, he may see that as his last chance to get ready to marry you or leave you, and I think there are still some things in between those two options that you two need to explore, and he may play it safe and use it as a chance to bolt.I see why you want an answer. It’s reasonable, but it isn’t as simple as you saying, “What are your plans for me?” Do you know what your plans are for him? Maybe you need to put your cards on the table face-up and let him play his hand around yours. If you trust him, you should be okay. But I think you need to go to him and let him know how you feel and you need to BOTH figure out where you are between marriage and breaking up.Best wishes to your happy conclusion!
CHUCK: "Convergence plans?" Wow, you make things sound so businesslike... and so serious. First, I suggest you put yourself in his place. He assumed, with your first announced plan, that you would be moving to his city, and all of this could be taken care of. But then, your plans fell apart. Now you are approaching him aggressively, asking him what his intentions are. And when he can't give you the answer you want, in the time frame that you want it, you seem ready to throw the whole relationship away.
You're within your rights, of course, but I don't think you're being entirely fair. First of all, you haven't really described what circumstances are behind his seeming reluctance to relocate. Is his school there? Is his job? Or is it just that he doesn't appear ready to move, for whatever reason? Is there a time factor (i.e., maybe he can relocate later?) If his reluctance relates to a job or school, these are outside factors that he may be able to correct, but not right away. However, if it's something like this city having the best Thai food, or whatever, I'm gonna assume it's something reasonable.
There is probably a solution to this, but I doubt it can be reached by ultimatums. But before you can determine how to get to your mutually-agreed-upon future, you two need to agree on what that is. Talk to him, and find out what he would like your relationship to be. And if his goals are the same as yours, how you can work towards it.
If you are not after the same thing, of course, you should go your separate ways. Since you seem disinclined to engage in a long-distance relationship, even in the short term, you may need to reassess what you want out of this relationship. Good luck.