Extra rinse cycle, please.

QUESTION:  Hello,
Here's my issue i've been with my daughters father 14yrs our sex life has always been a problem. Mainly for me. years of blaming myself for his lack of interest in sex I finally stopped its not my fault. Im attractive I get hit on by guys of all ages . Leaving things as He has a low sex drive. Life went on. I guess. Until now here's the thing seldomly I will do his laundry. Cause he says he'll do his own. Well a few days ago after finishing the kids clothes. I thought why not do his. So I get his basket and hes telling me he'll do it. I told him I got relax its Sun football. So I'm in the wash room and he comes in again saying he can do it. Only this time he reached in and grabbed a pair of boxers and tossed them in the machine. Again I said I got it. He stood there for a few min then walked out. Still putting his clothes in low n behold I come across a pair of boxers w/cum stains, and another and another and another. I waited til the game was over to confront him and his answer was he had wet dreams he's 43yrs old. Really.. That means 5 out of 9 days he had wet dreams. At his age. I can't even look at him cause I personally think he's full of shit. I'm about to throw him out. I'm crushed. How is it that we have sex once a month or not at all. And the man has all these boxers with cum stains. I'm blaming myself again this shit kills a women's self esteem

GARLAND: Thanks for your question.

Let me be upfront about a few things before I start.  Chuck and I aren't doctors, so what I'm going to say and what I assume he will say will be largely "assumptions" so don't take it as gospel.

Since I only have what you've given me, I am going to say that I'm 95% sure, you were looking to find something in your husband's laundry when you 'volunteered' out of the blue to wash his clothes at the same time he was watching football. I have to admit that was quite a strategic move.  I assume you were checking his pants pockets for receipts and phone numbers as well before you checked his underwear.  But, considering all that you found, I guess that was enough.

As I first read your question, I assumed that you were maybe seeing the result of your boyfriend's unusual uncontrollable bladder problems.  I assumed that maybe you were seeing one thing and assuming that it was another - but he comes into the laundry room and says, "Uh, baby, I still have wet dreams... uh, 6 or 7 times a week."

If he had a bladder issue and maybe accidentally stained his underwear throughout the day, I could see how that would be embarrassing, but it wouldn't be something most women hold against their men and I think - I THINK - most guys would have acknowledged their medical issue and moved to see what their wives / girlfriends / Baby-Mama's would have thought.

But not your guy - he says he has wet dreams... let's just call them what they are - Nocturnal Emissions.  While that sounds like something that only happens to cars and teen aged boys - it's not. From what I understand, men of almost all ages can have nocturnal emissions.  As a man gets older, they become rarer, but a man in his 40's... if he is having a vivid dream, an intense dream, he can certainly fire off a few rounds.  Or would that be fire off 'one round'? Hmmm?

Anyway - I don't know what to make of your discovery or his claims. I do want to suggest that you try and find a way to take yourself out of his issues.  You say that you blame yourself for his underwear issue and it hurts your self esteem. You HAVE to take a step back and take your self out of this equation - most of your boyfriend's issues are his and his alone.  Sure - they impact you indirectly, but you are making this about you and frankly, it's not. Either he's got some weird physical / psychological issues, or he's cheating and he's just a nasty bastard about it, or he's masturbating at traffic lights - but whatever he is doing - it's not about you, it is about him. I understand how you could feel that maybe you're doing something wrong - but chances are, you are not.  He'd probably have these same problems with 9 out of 10 other women.

Before you toss him out the window though, I'd suggest you give him a chance to rethink and re-offer his answer.  The wet dreams claim sounds weak.  As a guy in his age group, I'm dubious. He may have some kind of porn addition going on and is addressing those desires at inopportune times - see my traffic light comment above; or he may have some darker things going on.  Give him a chance to come clean... Oh geez, did I just say that? Well, look - you know what I mean.  Best of luck to you in this sticky situation.  Oh no - there I go again.

CHUCK:  Garland, bless him, sometimes likes to see all sides of an issue. I do, too. But I can be a little more cynical. I have never heard of a grown man having involuntary ejaculations, or "wet dreams." I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I haven't heard of it. It sounds to me like what it probably is: A weak excuse improvised on the fly.

So, if we can acknowledge what the cause of these deposits is not, let's think about what they might be. Garland speaks briefly of an affair. Hmm, don't think so. If he was hitting it off with someone 5 out of 9 days, as you say, you would have a better basis for your suspicion. Most affairs, that frequency just isn't feasible.

I think, most likely, your man is initiating those wet dreams while wide awake, if you get my meaning. He's been helping himself out, and is soiling his own undies. Has this man never heard of Kleenex? And he's ashamed and embarrassed, hence his reaction to your fact-finding laundry mission. Everyone who participates in such activities has their own particular like and dislikes. But I will say his frequency is off the charts.

You two have so many issues to resolve. The sex life between the two of you has dried up. But your boyfriend is getting his sexual satisfaction from somewhere. And apparently, he still has an active sex drive. I have written here before on the lure that porn and masturbation can have for some men (they set the time and pace, no concerns about pleasing a partner, etc.), but he is not being fair to you. And despite what I agree is a little passive aggression on your part (the Laundry Snooping), you need to be heard here, and have some questions answered. It's could be painful and uncomfortable for you both. But if you two are going to stay together, even in the stunted relationship you have now, you need to air things out.

A personal aside: Garland and I have been doing this blog for a few years, and just when we think that we've heard it all, we get an email like yours, that kind of just makes our jaws drop. Anyway, thanks for your question, and good luck with your situation.