Define, DEFINE?

QUESTION:  So I have been seeing this guy since August. We met at a bar through friends who knew friends. I went back to his apartment with him and his friend. He fell asleep on the couch and i left. We then talked a little the next day and he invited me to his friends house the next day. So we hung out there and went back to his apartment. We slept together shortly after.

I went out of town for a week and we then hung out when I got back. He gave me a key to his apartment after i spent the night and he had to go to work before I did. We hang out pretty much everyday over the weekends and sometimes a day or two during the week. We have conflicting schedules that change all the time. Well our sex life goes up and down. One weekend we will have sex 2 or 3 times and sometimes we will go two weeks without having sex. Next monday he goes out of town for two weeks and then about two weeks after that he is deploying for 4 months.

We haven't defined our relationship yet and I dont know how to approach the topic of what are we and where are we going from here. I guess I should mention that I have met some of his friends and normally we hung out with his best friend at least one day over the weekend. He has also met some of my friends. Also, if it matters I am 24 divorced and he is 29 never married.

GARLAND: Thanks for your question and I'm sorry Chuck and I took an unplanned sabbatical from our blog without answering your question.  While it is probably too late to be of any real help to you, I hope that someone else can benefit from your situation and our replies.

So, from what you've given us, I see that sex plays a big part in your relationship, sex and time. Sometimes these things have a way of defining a relationship, especially in the early stages. While I see the importance of both, they can sometimes assume a disproportionate significance in the growing relationship.  If the two of you don't lay some kind of verbal groundwork for where you are headed, you may find yourself headed in two different directions.  One may start to value sex more and the other may start to value time more and in the end, neither of you are satisfied and suddenly you all are talking about each other in the past tense.

I think you should just bring it up casually. "Hey Babe, I'm enjoying this thing we have here, but where are we in your eyes? Where do you think we're going?  Are we just hanging and seeing where things take us, or are we headed to being mutually exclusive for a long time?"  That sounds heavy, but it's not.  Float it at dinner or during a drive... NOT DURING OR AFTER SEX... sadly WE MEN WILL SAY DAMN NEAR ANYTHING AT THAT POINT?

"You want my PIN number?"
"You want my car keys?"
"You want an engagement ring?"

See what he says and then give your perspective too.  Don't get angry if he doesn't say what you want to hear.  Listen to his answer, file it away as a lesson learned and act accordingly - whatever that may entail.  But don't let the sex and the time define your relationship.  Good luck!



Anneke said...

I always think it is just so wrong to ask that question. I am a woman in my late thirties and I have never done so. You know what is on in a relationship if you are really tuned in.

If you are hanging out with his friends and he is introducing you as a friend or girlfriend - that is the biggest clue to the seriousness of the relationship.

If you are really into him let him know that you would like to get serious and see!

Chuck and Garland said...

Hey, Anneke - Thanks for your comment!

I agree that sometimes you can be tuned in and sometimes people are tuned in but they ignore the signals when they don't seem to like what they are hearing.

On the other hand though - being tuned in is a lot about perception and a little bit of mind reading. That's where problems occur. Men and Women are just not always on the same frequency and that's is where you have problems. That's when it's time to talk things out and take a chance at letting someone TELL YOU wants on your mind so you don't have to guess.

At least I hope I'm right!

Thanks a lot for reading our blog! We really appreciate it!