Thursday

Is it worth it?

QUESTION: Why do you think so many of us women wait until we reach the age of 35 or better and start to second guess our decisions in life?

-We allow the so called 'men' in our lives to lay guilt upon us for having education, homes, cars, etc.

-We allow them to make us less than a priority.

Is it worth it? Just to say we have a MAN!!!!!!!

GARLAND: I call some of this behavior: "Understanding your way to happiness."

You hit several issues, so I'm gonna try to hit them all...


To start - I'm willing to bet that in most major metropolitan areas, men and women roughly break down like this: FOR MEN - 60% are married; 10% are in jail; 10% are gay; and 20% are single, free and straight. FOR WOMEN 45% are married; 5% are lesbians; and 50% are single and straight.

So - theoretically 20% of the men are either dating or in committed relationships with 50% of the women! And, I think most women in that 50% know that. They feel that they are often trying to stay competitive for these guys. Unfortunately, most of the guys are fully aware of this, and they know that some of the women with lower self esteem will allow themselves to be treated like dirt, over and over again just so they won't be alone..

This brings in the "Understanding your way to happiness." Some women, when they start to feel the self esteem and self confidence fading, they begin speaking to the man in their life like this:

"Oh, you couldn't pick me up because your car broke down. I understand."

"Oh, you didn't answer your phone all night because your battery was dead. I understand."

"Oh, we can't go out tonight because you spent all your money getting your braids done? I understand."

Once women start "understanding" when the neglect begins, they open up for the self doubt. They start allowing themselves to taken for granted.

I think lowered self esteem and lowered self confidence, causes many women to allow bad guys into their lives. I think, unfortunately, a lot of women are scared that if they let these scrubs, cheats and liars go from their lives that they'll never find another man to be with.

You mentioned 35 years old, I think many women approaching the big "4-0" don't see themselves as refined, polished and elegant - as they should. Social trends sometimes force many of these women to feel inferior to the younger, perkier, 20-somethings fresh on the scene. This is another element that makes some women more inclined to put up with crap from sorry men.

Is it worth it? Not in my opinion. But unfortunately there are countless decent, strong women that have low self esteem and see very little self worth without a man, ANY man, on their arm. I wish I could tell all of them to just "STOP UNDERSTANDING" why you are being treated like less than a queen. Make that man respect you, or make that bum hit the streets!"

Chuck: I don't know the source of Garland's statistical breakdown. I don't know if things work up the same for both sexes in every city. But I will say that it's obvious who conventional wisdom like that serves: Straight, single men. Hmmm...

Some men will use stats like those against women, to infer that their unfaithful, inconsiderate selves are really some sort of precious commodity whose every flaw and fault must be accommodated. NOT SO.

For a man to feel so threatened by what a woman has achieved in her 30's, that he is constantly trying to undermine her, that means his own self-esteem is pretty weak. And to bolster his self-esteem, he is trying to make yours as low as his. Doctor Phil would call that transference.

It's not unusual to second guess the decisions we have made in our lives. I do so nearly every weekday when I have to roll out of bed at 5:30 AM. But when someone else is trying to make me feel guilty about the decisions I've made in life, I question their motives.

I'd say that putting up with neglect and insensitivity are scarcely worth it, just to say that you "have a man." Because he's most likely not the kind of man you're going to have for very long anyway.

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