Time to Reconnect

QUESTION: Garland and Chuck, I don't know if you two are married or not and thus qualified to answer this question, but I need advice on how to rekindle the spark in my marriage.

Let me start by saying I'm married to a great guy. Like all relationships, we occasionally get on each other's nerves and probably miss being single, but I think we both are ultimately glad we're still together and really love one another.

We've been married for almost 11 years now, and we have four kids (all from our marriage), ages 3 months, 3, 7, and 9. When we first got together, things were hot and heavy between us. Lately, however, it's been colder than the North Pole in the Sex Department in our house. I realize that most relationships cool down over time as family responsibilities/stresses take over. I also realize that we've got four kids, including a new baby, but my husband has expressed no interest in having sex with me since I've been cleared to resume sex. Plus, our sex life sucked before and during my last pregnancy. This especially concerns me because we continued our sex life during my first three pregnancies, even though my last pregnancy was a little more difficult. When I think back, it's been almost a year since we've had sex. I think this is very unnatural for a married couple.

I've caught my husband on porn websites occasionally and I suspect he masturbates when I'm not around. I'm no prude and have no problem with porn or masturbation since I've used both tools myself, but I do have a problem with these things when my husband is looking at other women and hasn't made an attempt to lay a finger on me. If I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. during my pregnancy, I might could understand it, but I've actually lost a lot of weight since I had our baby and look better than before I got pregnant.

How should I handle this situation? I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head, such as, "Is he cheating?;" "Is he thinking about cheating?;" "Does he still find me attractive?," etc.

I've considered making a move on my husband, but he's had a few performance issues in the past when I've made moves on him and he wasn't ready or was under stress. I'm concerned that this may happen again since our baby isn't sleeping through the entire night yet and we're sometimes tired.

I need your advice desperately, because I'm horny as hell. I don't think I'd ever cheat on my husband, and I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, but I'm also realistic and know that we're both human and have needs. I've tried to talk to my husband about this and even suggested counseling, but he always has some excuse for why he doesn't think we have a problem. I've suggested things like "date nights," etc., but we've both been guilty of not following through.

I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, raising our children and having fun, both in and out of the bedroom, together. Please help me figure out how to rekindle some of the romance while still managing to juggle family responsibilities. Right now, I admit that we're both giving more attention to the kids than to each other. In fact, I think we take each other for granted. I believe that's the short road to an affair and/or divorce. Thanks for any advice you can give.

GARLAND: Thanks for such a passionate question. I hope we can shed some light positive on things.

Both Chuck and I are married, and he's been married twice as long as I, so I'm sure his advice may be a little more sage than mine.

I don't know an honest married couple who hasn't had a little slow down here or there at least once in awhile and just talking to people and being married myself I think there are a lot of reasons. Right off the bat - as a man - I wouldn't automatically assume that your husband is cheating. Obviously, I don't know him - but I think it's important to keep a positive mindset as you try to work things out.

One thing that your husband might be going through, is seeing you more as The Mother of his Children, and less like the Sexy Lil'Hottie you were when you all were younger and singler. This happens a lot I believe and it probably has some fancy smancy name, but I don't know it. I just think that some guys come to have issues with doing 'certain things' to the woman their kids call "Mommy." I think some time alone - maybe a few days away from the kids at a nice hotel or resort may make a difference. Kids just screw up the whole atmosphere when it comes gettin' busy. BUT, I'm getting ahead of myself...

You say that he won't talk about things, or he won't follow through on time alone [date-night, etc.] or he rejects the idea of counseling. Okay, face-it - most of us guys are stubborn assholes and going to counseling is just like admitting that we have failed something and we need help to fix it. 80% of us just aren't going for that. So, I think you may have to practically force him to talk to you. Whatever you do - don't raise your voice, don't yell, don't get all emotional, don't cry, don't accuse, don't threaten and don't drop ultimatums. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of DON'T DO'S... because it is. ANY of these things can be used by your husband as a reason to argue or blow up or just plain weasel out of talking. Since he doesn't want to talk, consider him a stick of dynamite with a quick fuse and YOU DON'T WANT TO LIGHT IT. Because you need answers, and HE has them.

I think you need to wait until the kids are sound asleep, maybe get a couple of glasses of wine or a mellow CD in the background and just hit him with the most feared five words a husband knows, "Honey, we need to talk." Just walk through how you're feeling, slowly and without a lot of unneccesary emotional words. Give him a few pauses to interject, but whatever you do, don't let him goad you into an arguement. Far too many times, us guys get out of talking about our emotions by raising our voices and bullying our way out of the room. If he walks out, follow him [don't chase him] but I think he HAS to man-up and tell you what's up. Just remind him that WHATEVER his issue is, he is still your husband and you are still his wife, and remind him of his promise to love and cherish you. Remind him that he made this promise to you AND God. Just go steady and go gently. I know the whole "promise" thing sounds corny, but it may work.

Now, let's get back to my assumption that he isn't cheating. If he's not cheating, he may also be having some 'medical' issues. Simply put - he's just not getting the lead in the old pencil like he used to. I think a lot of guys have manhood issues when it comes to this, and they are just too proud and too stupid to tell the women they love. They'd rather have their women be mad at them and that way less likely to get them in a sexual situation. Or they'd rather have their women full of self-doubt and confusion and therefore again, less likely to push the sexual issue. When you talk to him, as a last resort - ask him about his health, his blood pressure and stuff like that, see if he opens up.

I hope this helps. I look forward to reading Chuck's thoughts on this, since he's been in the game longer than I. Best wishes, and good luck. E-Mail us back and give us a follow up... a PG rated follow up.

CHUCK: Young kids.... You want 'em, you love 'em, but they can be ruinous to a normal sexual relationship. Spontaneous displays of intimacy are difficult. Elaborate scenarios are, too. Finding time to be alone is hard, and when you get that time, the temptation to do something else (like sleep) is really great.

A year without sex is a long time. But it sounds as though pregnancy complications, combined with your husband's "performance issues," have combined to create a perfect storm as far as your sex life is concerned. And unfortunately, when bad trends start in relationships, it can be really hard to reverse them.

I would not give too much credence to the idea of your husband cheating on you without some more overt signs (you know them: strange phone calls/hang-ups, unexplained absences, etc.). As for his viewing porn, I wouldn't read more into it than necessary. A lot of married men view pornography as being certain things their wives are not, even in sexual relationships healthier than yours. Porn is available. Porn is undemanding. But it also isn't necessarily a gateway drug to cheating.

I think two things are going to be crucial to repairing your marriage. The first is communication. It could be you husband's performance problems have made him hesitant to initiate relations. And I'm sure that's not easy to talk about. Suggest he see a doctor and maybe he can get prescribed some medication that will help alleviate those issues, at least temporarily. Also, understand: For most Black men, counseling is never going to be an easy sell. Opening up to their partners and family is difficult enough. Letting strangers know intimate details of their personal lives is almost unthinkable. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact. But if you really think that counseling will help you, suggest it. Strongly.

The other thing I believe you two need is time together as a couple, apart from your little darlings. It doesn't need to be a expensive vacation, although it couldn't hurt. A day or two in a hotel 5 or 10 miles away from your home could do wonders for getting you back on the same page sexually. I know that helped my wife and I out a few years ago. Start looking for sympathic relatives or babysitters for this.

Most of all, it's important for you two to realize that you love one another, and display that love. Sexual intimacy is always easier when other kinds of intimacy exist. Try to focus on yourselves as a couple, and not just as parents. All married couples take each other for granted from time to time. With the will to change things, the two of you can turn this around.

Baby Steps

QUESTION: Pat and I met while working out at the same gym. We started out smiling at one another to eventually building a friendship. We would talk for hours at the gym while working out together. Pat started calling me back in November--maybe once a week. I invited him out for my birthday get together (early December) and he came out with us. He brought me home and we continued talking from 10:30-1:00am. Then he called me when he got home so I would know he didn't fall asleep. He called me the following Wednesday night. He also sends me e-mails and I do the same. We planned to go out one night when we both did not have our children. We had our real first date. We went to dinner and bowling. We had great conversation (which is never a problem for us) and fun. When he dropped me off we hugged and talked of doing it again. We worked out together two nights later. Then he called me Friday night and we talked but he did not ask me out. It was Christmas weekend. He didn't call over Christmas but I didn't expect him too. He did send me an e-mail as soon as he got to work yesterday morning. We worked out together last night. But he still hasn't asked me out. I was the one who suggested our first date.

He told me when we first started talking that he is very shy. He also told me that he is very cautious when in relationships and likes to take things slow----baby steps. Should I let him suggest the second date? How long is too long between your first and second date? We have so much in common and our conversation is always so easy. I feel in my gut that he likes me but a woman always needs reassurance. By him not asking me out...I am not so sure. Please help.

CHUCK: Sorry for the delay in getting your answer to you.

Pat, unlike the guy in the previous post, "Approach/Avoidance," seems to be genuinely shy and determined to take his time where you are concerned. Otherwise, he would have made some type of overt advance on you by now. So, good for him for being truthful with you. But not so good on him for dragging his feet. My father used to say, "He who hesitates is lost." Not necessarily true, but when you procratinate, ground is definitely lost.

I'm not gonna make excuses for him, but can be kind of hard to get a new relationship up and going over the holiday season. Shopping, travel, and family demands can often play havoc with your schedule, and things you want to do get pushed further and further back. I once hesitated to ask a woman I was attracted to out for a first date on New Year's Eve, even after knowing her for a while, because I didn't want her to think I was presumptuous or desperate. Like I said, not making excuses. I'm just saying.

If Pat hasn't asked you out on a second date by now, what the hell, ask him out again. But this time, in a joking manner, tell him you're not going to be the only one trying to advance your relationship. See what he says. If he's attracted to you and has his head on straight, he should get the message. Good luck.

GARLAND: Hello there. Sorry for just getting to your question!

I think your instincts about Pat are probably right. He probably does like you and want a relationship with you, but this snails pace is no good. Taking you're time and moving a moderate pace is one thing, but this is JUST A SECOND DATE! Hopefully by the time you read this, the two of you would have knocked off the second and third dates.

I think Pat may be the kind of guy that is smart enough to know his own limitations - few people truly know this about themselves in my opinion. He may know that he falls deeply [and often stupidly] in love very quickly and this can usually lead to pain, sad and other generally Bad Things. So, he's protecting himself FROM HIMSELF.

My advice to you is - give Pat a little room, he's probably okay in the long run. But, there is no crime in you initiating a few dates - NOT ALL OF THEM - because he still needs to step up and not be a fraidy-cat, but giving him a little push in the dating comfort zone may payoff well in the long run. Please give us a little E-Mail update and let us know how things are going with you two. Good luck!

Call it "the Group-date"

QUESTION: Hi! I'm sure you get hundreds of emails every day, so I'll be brief.

There's a man I go to church with who I think likes me. He writes me emails asking questions he knows the answer to, he got me a card for my b-day and wanted me to open it in front of him, stuff like that to get my attention.

He finally got the guts to ask me out, or so I think, and this is where I need help. We were sitting with a group of people and just talking about movies we'd like to see. About 15 minutes later, he blurts out, "We should go see such and such." I said, sure, sounds like fun! He asked me, he didn't ask his friend or the whole table if they wanted to go.

Anyway, later in the week, he says, "I'm still up for that movie, MaleFriend #1 is meeting us for the movie, and Friends 2&3 are meeting up for dinner." I was furious, thinking it was me and him seeing a movie and then it turns into a group event. Did I misinterpret what he said? Why would he change his mind, when I said yes?

Chuck: Thank you for the question.

You may not have misinterpreted this gentleman's request. He just may have extended himself and lost his nerve. In this day and time, in the dating arena, sometimes it's possible not to take yes for an answer. This guy may have blurted out that you should see a movie together, and later thought, "maybe I was too forward." And he thought that the best way to take some of the pressure off of himself, or to make you feel more comfortable, would be to invite some wing-men and women along, too. It's possible.

The other option is that, although he's attracted to you, he may be seeing someone else. And to avoid looking like a cad, especially in a church-folk setting, he is trying his best to erase any implication of a date from this date that you've made.

Either way, I hope that you didn't over-react to what could be a very benign situation. I understand that you feel that you were misled, but I don't know that you really needed to be "furious." Maybe these clumsy, tentative steps are how this guy goes about wooing a woman (and I can't believe I just used the word "woo"). Every guy out there ain't smooth.

Keep an open mind, try to confirm his relationship status, and, if you like, go out with him if he asks you again. Just find out first if there are any others on the guest list. Don't let some initial clumsiness ruin what could be a good thing.

GARLAND: Usually, Chuck and I don't talk about the questions we get until after we've answered them. We like to keep our thoughts uneffected by one another. However, we found ourselves on the highway this weekend riding together on our way to poker at a buddies house and we were loosely discussing the number of questions we had for this week. And I broke tradition and specifically mentioned this question. Why I just shared that - I don't know.

But uh, I think the guy got in a little over his head with the movie thing. Either he WANTED to go with just you, or after you all parted company the other folks kinda' took for granted that he made a group invite. If the latter is the case, he may not have been smooth or confident enough to say, "Oh, no. I wasn't inviting YOU guys! I was just talking to ------." This would take a pretty confident guy. And, maybe he's just not there yet.

The whole "asking you questions that he knows the answers to," and wanting you to "open your card in front of him," it sounds very cute and very unpolished. Let me guess - this guy is between 19 and 22? He sounds young and he sounds coached.

But this isn't a bad thing. I'm willing to bet that we likes you and wants to go out with you - just you. He's just rough around the edges. I'm willing to bet that you are between 20 and 23? Am I right. If that is the case then you are like... what... 10 YEARS MORE MATURE THAN HIM!

I say, he's okay. Be a little patient with him and let him know that it's cool to go out alone sometimes. It sounds like your a lot more comfortable with the whole dating thing than he is. Good luck and slip us an E-Mail or a comment letting us know how things are going!

I Love Football (but wait a minute...)

QUESTION: Met a man 39yrs old and he pressured me to have sex. Because i didn't we broke up. Then we got back together and we did have sex. Initially we'd do it every weekend..that's when we'd see each other. Then i noticed he started skipping weekends. We moved in together and now NOTHING. He talks a BIG game BUT NEVER any action. I don't get it. Just don't get it. i mean we will go for months. Once I TRIED to initiate and he said he was watching football. I've sent smoke signals up and he just doesn't respond. Always having excuses.....his back hurts. Meanwhile he's dancing and driving all over town. But when night falls or he is in the house.....his back hurts. I KNOW he is faking. If it isn't the back he is tired. Ain't no man too tired for sex....or are they? What is the deal? What is he thinking? Help!!

GARLAND: Thanks for your question. It sounds very interesting.

Assuming that you haven't left out anything significant, and based on what you're saying, I'm not getting a good vibe from boyfriend here. He pushes you for sex, walks away when you balk, comes back when you give in, cuts you off and THEN moves in. Sounds like you've gotten played.

Men know that you ladies, for the most part, form a big emotional bond once sex is put on the table. I bet he wanted you to form that bond so he could get a place to stay and somebody to either cover the bills or at least split them with. When you didn't go for the sex, he walked away - probably counting the days until you called him and told him you were ready. He got you to form that emotional bond and believe that you may have had something long-term setting up, and now you're more of a Number Two Big Mama and less of a Number One Hot Mama.

As for being too tired for sex, it happens - once in awhile. But NOT all the time. And as far as the hurting back goes, a hurting back won't kill him when he's on the bottom!!! Dancing and driving and hanging out all hours, but too busy to be with you... I don't mean to be cruel, honestly, but you have been taken advantage of.

And as far as football goes - I'm a big football fan and I have seen some amazing games, but none that would make me turn my lady away - after all, isn't that why they invented the VCR?

CHUCK: I don't know that this guy got you to move in with him just to trick you and thwart your sexual advances. I mean, he could have found a guy to move in with and completely avoided the chance of any sexual demands... I guess. I'd like some more info. Are you paying the majority of the household bills? Apart from sex, do you spend any time together?

Based on the info you've provided in your question, I would have to say that your relationship seems to be barely on life support. You are not getting what you want out of this relationship, and apparently, neither is he. He seems to see this as an exclusively domestic arrangement, when he sold you on something else. A man can be too tired for sex, hard as it may be to believe, but his other activities (dancing, excessive driving) make that excuse sound very suspicious.

As hard as it is to accept, he just may not be attracted to you anymore. Or, and it's such a cliche I hesitate to suggest it, he's got somebody else. I don't know, you don't know. What you need to do is confront him with your concerns, and get him to tell you what he sees your relationship as being. Lapsed lovers? Roomies? Get him to say it. If he, as the old song says, forgot to be your lover, set him straight and both of you can commit to do better in the future. If he doesn't want to even try, well, hopefully you're on a month-to-month lease, 'cause you need to go your separate ways.

Approach/Avoidance

QUESTION: I know this man who, after we have been emotionally and physically intimate, he seems to pull away for a while. It's almost like it's too much for him and he needs distance. After a while, he contacts me again all happy and missing me. What's up with that? And if he's confused or whatever, what do I say or do when he contacts me again. To try to end it. Do you tell him why or just ignore him and hope, in time, he should stop? I love this guy, but I guess I'm ready to let things go if they are not meant to be.

Help please!

CHUCK: Thanks for the question. This guy seems to be what I'll call "emotionally stunted." He's goes through his life all bottled up, unafraid to deal with his feelings. Maybe he's been hurt in the past. Maybe he thinks it's "unmanly." Either way, push him too far out of his comfort zone and he's gonna run like you just pulled the fire alarm.

Fine for him. But as he goes forth on his "journey" to "heal himself," he's dragging someone else along: You. And it is completely unfair for this self-absorbed guy to do to you what someone else may have done to him at some point. But you're supposed to understand that it's hard being a Black man (and it is), even if he gives you nothing back.
By all means, let him know how you feel. And you call HIM and let him know what's up. The main reason he's treating you like this is because he knows that he can go missing on you and you will be there when he wants you again. Give him the chance to grow up and do right by you. And if he's unwilling to do that, no big loss.

GARLAND: I can appreciate a guy being sensitive sometimes, but this guy is taking 'sensitive' to a whole new [and creepy] level.

I guess my big concern is, do you REALLY LOVE this guy? You kinda' stuck that in like a footnote... "my guy is kinda' weird, he comes he goes he comes he goes, should I drop him... oh yeah, I love him but I'll drop him." Some people toss the word LOVE out pretty easily, so I guess I want you to figure out whether you are in love with this guy, or is he just cool to hook-up with.

But, either way - you have to pull this guy up and tell him that his actions are baffling you. Don't push him hard, because some folks can't handle that and they'll clam up and this is no good if infact a good talk could straighten things out. Just find a good time, a calm place - maybe dinner in a restaurant, or someplace where he'll be less likely to jump up and flee! Just let him know you want to know why he drifts away and let him know how you'd like to be treated. For all we know - he may not know how strange his actions seem.

But, in my book - I think he's trying to make sure he doesn't catch any real feelings for you. Getting close and hookin' up is cool as long as he can flush you out of his system for a week or so before coming back. THIS is why I want you to figure out if you LOVE him or just LIKE him. If you LOVE him, you need to know what he IS and ISN'T willing to do with you and your heart. Good luck!

Tired, or Just Confused?

QUESTION: Hi Chuck, Garland. Have you heard of this website called, Tired Black Man (http://www.tiredblackman.com/). It will be out in the theatres soon. The owner of the site is suggesting that a white woman is their best option in finding a loving, stable relationship, blah, blah blah. Please give me your take on that site and explain to me why would a brotha would believe there isn't a good sistah out there who can also provide a loving, stable relationship with them?

CHUCK: Having taken a cursory look at the site, let me tell some of you what it's about. This is a site to promote a movie by some guy named Tim Alexander. The title of the movie is Diary of a Tired Black Man, and as far as I can determine, it seems to be an independent movie opening in '07 about a Black man who has grown tired of of dealing with "angry Black women," and is seeking another alternative. From the tone of the material, I think it's supposed to be a comedy. Hmmm.

This dude is, of course, fully within his rights to make a movie about this subject. Lord knows, there are plenty of other people making money depicting and commenting on the supposed rift between Black men and women. Not me and Garland, though. NOBODY'S PAYING US.

There's always money in controversy, and Alexander's obviously courting it. The Washington Post Sunday Outlook piece will almost write itself. I find some things about his point of view faulty, though. Are Black women angry? Sometimes I don't think they're angry enough. Black men often treat them like marks for their sexual con games. Hip hop culture totally treats them as objects, to be lusted after and despised. They are either misrepresented or under-represented in the mainstream media. Where's the Black feminist screeds? The marching in the streets?

What some Black women are, that I think this guy misreads, is jaded. By a certain age (around 30), they've heard and seen and had so much bullshit perpetrated on them that they can be resistant to an approach from a guy with no agenda. And they get mistaken for angry. Also, there is a disturbing contingent of women who, almost deliberately, make the wrong choices in men. You know who you are. We've gotten your questions.

A brotha would come to believe that there isn't a good sistah out there for him the same way a lot of women feel there isn't a guy for them. It's rough out there. But it's not hopeless, folks. Just stop freakin' generalizing about the opposite sex so much. As for this guy's movie, based on the site, I don't know if it's for me. Check it out for yourself. Let us know what you think. As for movies, see Dreamgirls. Or Children of Men.

GARLAND: Judging from this trailer, I agree with Chuck that this guy Tim Alexander is trying to cash in on his independently filmed, self generated contraversy. He's at the start of his 15 seconds of fame and he's gonna' ride it for all it's worth. Actually, he may not even believe what he is trying to sell. Almost like George Lucas most likely doesn't believe in Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker - they just put money in his pocket.

But let me look deeper at this for a second. I think Alexander is going hard and heavy for the obvious hype and anger this film is going to generate. He's calling Black women out on false charges and on charges that are going to get his film and his name some serious attention.

I think he is sadly selling Black women down the river on this one, though. And that angers me. But, you know what - the attention [in my opinion] shouldn't be focused on this man and this movie that will leave theaters and go straight to DVD so quick your head will spin. The attention to the degradation of The Black Woman should be focused on the thousands of hip hop vidoes that have been [and will be] made presenting and displaying Black women as mindless half-naked play-toys. To me, this guy, Alexander, is a meaningless, simpleminded, disloyal fellow that will be off most peoples radar before the days start getting long again. The real villians are the video producers that create hours and hours and hours of music videos seen all day, everyday by thousands of young, horny, [and often narrow-minded] young males. These guys see these beautiful Black women falling all over people like 50 Cent, Snoop Dogg, The Game, R. Kelly and others and they start to believe that this is all Sista's are good for. Being wet, being half naked, and bouncing around like sex-starved robots.

But uh, I digress.

I think this movie is going to be far less than people think. It may be a comedy like Chuck said, but when its all said and done - nobody will remember this movie six months after its released. 7 of Tim Alexander's 15 seconds of fame are ALREADY gone.

Busted by MySpace!

QUESTION: About two weeks ago just after Thanksgiving I found out this guy that I am in love with and have been in a long distance relationship has been seeing another woman. I found out when i saw a picture of him and another woman on myspace. She also had notes sent to him proclaiming her love yada yada. When he contacted me I let him know I knew. He tried to downplay everything so I tried a different approach. I contacted her through myspace to let her know what the deal was. He later calls me demanding that I stop contacting her. My question basically is what would lead him to contact me to reason with me about telling her the truth. How could he expect to reason with me after what he had done?
- Thanks

GARLAND: Thank you for your question.

I think you're looking way too deep into his call to you. You ask why is he trying to reason with you to convince you to stop calling her. Regardless of how the conversation went over the phone, he wasn't trying to 'reason' with you about anything. He was trying to get you to stop blowin' his game up. Obviously you were cutting him off from the sex with you [at least I hope] and now you were starting to interfere with his fall back luvin'.

He knew he had nothing more coming from you, but at least in his opinion, he could tell the other woman that you were some crazy chic that got a hold of his cellphone or something and you were stalking him and just plain nuts. That way he could still get in between the sheets with her. He had to shut you down before the other woman started to believe that you were not crazy. Your ex is covering his bases, nothing more nothing less.

He really doesn't plan on reasoning anything out with you, so don't fall for any of the non-sense. Don't let him flip the script and have YOU feeling guilty for living so far away, bottom line is your ex is just cheating on you and he doesn't want to lose BOTH of you. One is okay, but not both - and that is assuming the one other woman is the ONLY one he's messin' with. You may be one of four, five or six.

Sorry-

CHUCK: Garland is 100% on point here. This weasel is in pure self-preservation mode, trying to salvage what he can out of this situation he's created.

Presuming that he had not been truthful with her about you, what he's probably telling Ms. Myspace is something like this: "Aw, baby, I'm sorry that b---- contacted you. You know who she is? That's some girl I kicked it with for a minute last year and she think she's my girlfriend. She's on some stalker shit. Let me know if she calls you again. I'ma get a TRO." That's a reliable fall-back for dogs who get caught, if they think their girlfriends are gullible enough to go for it.

But the problem with that line of crap is, if Myspace Woman talks to you at all, she will find out that you're not some stalker, but someone who was trying to put her up on the deceitful creep who she's having a long distance relationship with. And he can't have THAT. Hence the call to "reason" with you.

Unless you're bound to get revenge on this guy (and who am I to say that that's wrong?), I would take this opportunity to completely withdraw from this mess. Don't contact him, don't contact her. Just be thankful you got out when you did and chalk the whole thing up to experience. But if the other person contacts you, if you can, answer her questions. She's just as much a victim as you.

W.A.M.T. DOWNTIME! TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!!

Happy New Year to our loyal readers!

Chuck and I have several more questions waiting to be answered here. Unfortunately we are experiencing some computer problems on our end, so we will not be able to post new questions and answers until January 12, 2007.

So please peek at our archives for the time being and please drop back in on the 12th. Thank you all for stopping by our blog, its means a lot to us and we hope we're able to help at least a few people out there.

-Garland