QUESTION: Hi Chuck and Garland, I found out about your blog through a link in someone else's signature on another blog. This is such a great service you guys have!
I will be 34 years old this spring and am starting to panic. I am an attractive AA woman from NJ but I can't seem to find The Guy for me. I've been on dates, have flirted back and forth at work, did the online dating service thing, have dated some more butI can't seem to find The One.
I know that NO ONE is perfect, so I'm not looking for "perfection" in the shallow sense of that word. I don't know about other cities but it seems there's some sort of competition between the sexes, almost like men have stopped trying to make friendly
Is this what it has come to? Are guys resolved to lying in the cut and waiting for women to make the first moves? Sometimes, walking around the city, men don't want to speak or they'll look and don't speak but then you catch them looking BEHIND them.
I'm looking for a man I can spend the rest of my life with and start a family. I don't really have time, LITERALLY, to be playing these types of hide-and-go-seek games. I'm thinking of doing the adoption thing if push comes to shove and I don't have the opportunity to start a family with my husband.
I don't really want to be a single parent but a lot of men I've come across don't really want that kind of commitment. Am I wrong for not wishing to sacrifice my maternal yearnings if I can't/don't find a husband? Maybe you guys can start your own online datingservice?
I think I'm running out of options.
Please reassure me (or not!). Thanks, Chuck andGarland!
GARLAND: Thanks for your question and your compliments!
I've kinda' come across a decent amount of Sista's in your same situation. You've got things going for you, intelligent, attractive, focused and ready for that commitment that so many people want. There's only one problem...
I would love to give you some warm and fuzzy and sappy answer like, "Hold on Sister! Love is just around the corner." While that may be true, it just sounds too cookie-cutterish for me.
The thing about me and Chucks blog is that it is called "What are Men Thinking" which has a duel meaning... (1) What are Men [out in the world] Thinking when they do various things? and (2) What are [the] Men [named Chuck and Garland] Thinking about various things?
I'm going to answer you from both sides: First, in most major cities the number of single, eligible, adult women is so much greater than the number of single, eligible, men that a lot of guys don't feel the need to "go out of their way" to court a woman. Sadly, some women have to practically throw themselves at [some of these] men to get anything more than a "Hello". This is just a bad spot all around.
But what am I thinking? I thinking that maybe you should consider broadening your dating pool. NOW HOLD ON - Before folks want to snatch my BROTHER CARD [that I love so dearly!] let me plug in a caveat. I am all for same race dating. It is all I have ever done, it is all I have ever wanted to do. But the reality is - there are a lot of Sister's holding out, and holding out for that Brother in shining armor to roll up on them with roses and a ring. After a certain point, that "Brother" may not be coming on "your" schedule. And when that ring bearer arrives - he might be named Hector or Chad.
Another thing to consider is your comfort zone - sometimes we get so set in our ways that we don't really bring new people into our lives. I'm a big proponent of changing your scenery: a new grocery store, a new gas station, a different work schedule, new restaurants, a different branch of your gym, just anything to bring a new group of candidiates into your life!
I'm a romantic at heart, I always believe that love is out there to be found, it's just a question of when, where and how it is going to find you. Unfortunately, TRUE LOVE is like having the planets line up a certain way, IT HAPPENS, you just can't necessarily MAKE IT HAPPEN when you want it to!!!
The main thing is - Stay confident in who you are. Don't hesitate to "look" twice at the men you meet and NO MATTER WHAT just make sure you don't settle for ANY less than you truly deserve.LOVE IS OUT THERE FOR YOU.
CHUCK: US? Start an online dating service? HAH! I don't know about Garland, but if I was looking for a scam to steal people's money, it'd probably involve foreign lotteries or the Prince of Nigeria. Sorry.
Seriously though, I agree with Garland's assessment in large part. Black men have been fed a whole lot of crap about ratios of men v. women in urban areas, and too often it breeds a certain smugness. "I've got a job and make over $50,000 a year. There's 4 Black women to every man here. Why should I go after them? They better come to ME!" That's the attitude you're up against.
I agree completely with Garland's advice that you should open yourself up to other choices, both personally and environmentally. You'd be surprised how doing something simple like taking a class or visting Home Depot on the weekend can open you up to new experiences and maybe new people. And if you feel like you want to date outside the race, go ahead. We won't tell nobody.
However, I strongly suggest that you stop putting pressure on yourself with all that biological clock stuff. There's too much of that going on with women these days. Women are so focused on the objective sometimes (husband, kids, etc.) that they neglect the journey to get there.
And when I say that, I mean this: DON'T JUST SETTLE. There are a lot of women who will hold a rhinestone close to them, thinking that that's the only jewel they're ever gonna have. But you don't make that mistake. Ask any woman with a cheating, trifling, deadbeat babydaddy if they wished they hadn't settled for the man they ended up with, you might be surprised at the answer you get. Don't let that ratios and the biological clock force you into making a lasting mistake.
So, to sum up: Explore your options. Keep an open mind. Don't get discouraged. Sometimes, when you place less focus on things, they come to you. You're not even 34 yet. Hang in there.